Need a sense of perspective

[Yaffle]

I just want an idea of whether the amont I do round the house is normal or excessive really.  None of my friends are in a similar position in that they either haven't got kids or if they have then the partner still works.

M uBPDgf left work 12 months ago and has since been feeling ill so I probably felt at the time that I needed to help get the kids ready for the school run in the morning to help but now I feel like I do too much and it grates when she still moans that she's got too much to do or hasn't got enough time. 

I'm up at 6.10 and leave for work around 8.10. I get home at 5.45pm and often don't get to sit down till 8.30 or later.  The sort of things I'm doing are the kids breakfasts, washing up, the youngest's lunch for the 2 days he's at nursery, get at least one of them changed for school,sometimes both,do their teeth, do their suppers,make gf a cup of tea in bed before she gets up at 7.30.  She has to leave with the kids at 8.15-8.20 and does do anything that I've missed towards getting the kids ready but constantly gripes about how much she has to do and also often does stuff that doesn't need doing like getting cutlery out for the kids tea and then moans that she hasn't got time for breakfast.  I'm forever telling her that one of her main priorities should be having breakfast as one thing she has been diagnosed with is anaemia but her usual response is along the lines of 'I don't matter' or 'I always have to put the kids first unlike you'.

Sometimes its quite laughable - a couple of weeks ago I'd got the kids ready pretty much all by myself even down to putting their coats on I think.  I said 'Right I'm off to put muy shoes on'  Her response was 'Well I've still got to put my shoes on too' 

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[123Phoebe]

Hi Yaffle

I just want an idea of whether the amont I do round the house is normal or excessive really.  

From what you've described, you do a heck of a lot more than any other working man I've heard about (out in real life).  One wife described her husband as "such a sweetie" because husband fed the kids breakfast, so wife could have extra time addressing Christmas cards-- and she meant it, it was sincere.

So yea, I think you do a lot for your household.

Are you feeling unappreciated?

Sometimes its quite laughable - a couple of weeks ago I'd got the kids ready pretty much all by myself even down to putting their coats on I think.  I said 'Right I'm off to put muy shoes on'  Her response was 'Well I've still got to put my shoes on too'

I so wish you could talk to this one friend of mine---  you guys would be rolling on the floor laughing so hard at that response from your gf.  He can relate!  Keep your wits about you, Yaffle!  Having a good sense of humor will help save your sanity  

[Yaffle]

Thank you Phoebe,

I feel that I'm doing plenty but still get moaned at frequently but it least it will help me let it wash over me rather than trying to do more.  One thing I'm definitly not doing is getting up any earlier just to do more!

 

[123Phoebe]

One thing I'm definitly not doing is getting up any earlier just to do more!

[waverider]

Fair has nothing to do with BPD. What is achievable and what you can live with is more important. If things were "fair" then they probably wouldn't have BPD.

I do about 95%, in return I have 95% control and freedom of choice.

Fighting for 50% across the board can see you embroiled in conflict forever pursuing the unachievable.

Take your pay off elsewhere.  For me that means if the conditions are right and there is no practical reasons why I cant, I can throw my kayak and fishing rods in the car a disappear for the day as it suits me. Thats my price for doing all the stuff she can't organize herself to do. She is happy now to pay that, we have a reasonably happy balance.

Works better for me than spending my life trying to push rocks uphill being the reluctant martyr.

In other words give her the choice, state your value, If you want me to do X, then I am entitled to Y in return. If she doesn't want you to have Y then it is her choice whether to do X herself or not. This means your default is your choice and it is up to her to action something if she doesn't want it.

[Yaffle]

I think that's something I've got to work for but there's a long way to go.  She doesn't even acknowledge that I do stuff.  I had a comment along the lines of 'You do nothing to help round the house or with the kids' 'I've just done X's lunch'  to which she replied 'And so you should'.  That was before I'd heard of BPD but its not that long ago so I know now that my answer probably wasn't the best! 

I offered to have the kids whilst she went to the doctors once but said that I'd have to work late over the week to make the time up.  All she could say was that she'd have to suffer twice as she had to go to the doctors then look after the kids for longer.  Humph!

[waverider]

  She doesn't even acknowledge that I do stuff. 

She is probably oblivious that it needs doing. In her mind it is something you are doing so is of no interest to her. She is only interested in what she is doing.

Many pwBPD are motivated simply by impulse and need (this includes doing things for reward or recognition, not because it needs doing). If something is not on the list of impulses or needs then it is optional, which to them means it can be ignored and left to someone else.

It is a bit like trying to get a 6 year old to proactively do housework. Housework is an alien concept to a 6 year old. It something a 6 year old is vaguely aware that parents do but has nothing to do with them and so is of no interest.

[terranova79]

Hi Yaffle,

As an outsider, I can tell you that it certainly sounds like you do a lot around the house and--at a minimum--are putting in an honest effort to be helpful.  I know its hard, but I wouldn't put too much stock in your wife's criticisms of you.  I say that because I am in the exact same boat as you--I try my honest to God best to be helpful at home with the kids, but it's never enough for my wife.  Sure, I don't do as much as my wife, but that's because I have a job and she stays at home.  But still, when I am home, I put in the effort just like you.  But it's never enough, and never will be.  It's like being on a hamster wheel--you can run faster and faster but it will never be enough and won't get you anywhere.

Ask yourself this.  Imagine you were in her shoes and you saw your spouse doing all that you do for the household.  Would you whine and moan and criticize your spouse for all that she did.  I seriously doubt it!  Sure, you might have some constructive criticism from time to time, but it sounds like you would be reasonable about things and not men or critical.  From that perspective, I'd say you are doing fine.

I hope this helps!

[Yaffle]

Thank you all for your replies.  I think I'm aware really that I do plenty but with claiming to be ill etc my opinion just needs backing up.  Got the usual type thing this morning when I was almost ready to leave for work I shouted down stairs 'Is S4 dressed yet?'  I got a grumpy reply 'No but I've done his teeth'.  Whoopy do, well done!  All I wanted to know was whether to take clothes down for him.

The impulse thing makes a lot of sense too.  There's loads of things where she's fixated on her way of doing things and nothing will change it, from chopping food on the worktop when it might not be clean, if the kids have had a glass of milk that doesn't count as them having had a drink or being ott on whether the kids are warm enough or not.  Pretty much all the sun has to do is go behind a cloud and she's got the kids in hats and gloves.  My eldest is getting teased a bit at school as she insists he wears really long socks to make sure he's warm for the walk to school.

[Rapt Reader]

Got the usual type thing this morning when I was almost ready to leave for work I shouted down stairs 'Is S4 dressed yet?'  I got a grumpy reply 'No but I've done his teeth'.  Whoopy do, well done!  All I wanted to know was whether to take clothes down for him.

I have a thought here about communicating with your wife, and wonder what you think about this:

When you asked her "Is S4 dressed yet?" I know that you were just looking for an answer and not intending to be critical of her in any way. However, I've learned that the way I phrase things can spark the "I'm being criticized here" button in my BPD/BPD traits loved ones, which then causes their anger or "grumpiness" that can fuel discord between us.

If you had actually asked her: "Would you like me to bring some clothes down for S4?" instead, might that have not pushed any buttons in her, and maybe have sparked a different--more friendly--response from her? Is there a way that just changing the phrasing of your conversing with her could help change things for the better between the two of you? Have you checked out THE LESSONS and the other links to the right-hand side of this page?

I know that my BPD loved ones (diagnosed adult Son, Husband with traits, undiagnosed BPD Mother-In-Law and Daughter-In-Law) are easily offended, hurt or angered by how I talk to them, and I've drastically changed the way I phrase things in order to not push those buttons in them. And I've found that all of my relationships with them have improved drastically as a result... .

[Yaffle]

I haven't really had chance to look at the lessons as I'm only on here while at work.  I'm hoping to get some time when things are quieter here.  Trying to re-phrase things is going to be quite difficult but I have made progress.  Some of it seems very unnatural for me.  Its the off the cuff remarks like I made this morning where you'd think it was quite straight forward thats going to cause issues.  If we're in mid conversation and I can see where things are going then I've got a chance to think about what I'm saying. 

We'll get there eventually

[terranova79]

Got the usual type thing this morning when I was almost ready to leave for work I shouted down stairs 'Is S4 dressed yet?'  I got a grumpy reply 'No but I've done his teeth'.  Whoopy do, well done!  All I wanted to know was whether to take clothes down for him.

I have a thought here about communicating with your wife, and wonder what you think about this:

When you asked her "Is S4 dressed yet?" I know that you were just looking for an answer and not intending to be critical of her in any way. However, I've learned that the way I phrase things can spark the "I'm being criticized here" button in my BPD/BPD traits loved ones, which then causes their anger or "grumpiness" that can fuel discord between us.

If you had actually asked her: "Would you like me to bring some clothes down for S4?" instead, might that have not pushed any buttons in her, and maybe have sparked a different--more friendly--response from her? Is there a way that just changing the phrasing of your conversing with her could help change things for the better between the two of you? Have you checked out THE LESSONS and the other links to the right-hand side of this page?

I know that my BPD loved ones (diagnosed adult Son, Husband with traits, undiagnosed BPD Mother-In-Law and Daughter-In-Law) are easily offended, hurt or angered by how I talk to them, and I've drastically changed the way I phrase things in order to not push those buttons in them. And I've found that all of my relationships with them have improved drastically as a result... .

This is what I hate about being married to a uBPDw--anything you say can be an insult so you have to go out of your way to say things just the right way (often unnaturally) to avoid meltdowns.  I'm so-so at doing this, but only because I've learned the hard way over so many years.  But for unsuspecting family members, it's impossible.  My entire family has inadvertently offended my uBPDw so many times over the years.  It got to the point where they were all afraid to talk to her for fear of offending her and I was a nervous wreck when all of us are together.  It's gotten so bad that now my uBPDw hates my entire family and thinks they are mean people who hate her--but all of his is a result of her own doing. 

Sorry, I know this is completely off topic, but I had to vent because my uBPDw has ruined the family life I've always wanted.

[Yaffle]

I don't blame you for venting your frustations.  I know just getting it out there can help!  Unfortunately I've been found out doing that a few times and now apparently all I do is have a go at her to other people to try and make them feel sorry for me and to make them hate her.  Not at all true.  I don't wan anyone to hate her - she's done nothing to hurt them so why should they but I do need the release occasionally and would also like people to understand why I act like I do at times, such as rushing home earlier than everyone else etc