Building your support team

[Grey Kitty]

I've mentioned a few times how much I treasure the people who are on "Team Grey Kitty" who support me in all I go through... .mostly involving drama from my uBPDw, but also my own issues that really have nothing to do with her, even if they came out in spaces in our marriage.

I know I wouldn't be in my current good mental/emotional condition without them.

What does YOUR support team look like?

If you got down to a low point where you had NOBODY left you could reach out to, how did you build the team up?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Yaffle]

I'm pretty low on the support team at the moment.  Used to talk to a work colleague but she left for a new job and the gf going through my phone messages put a stop to that.  My general friends, I don't see a lot of and when I do it tends to be in groups so pretty difficult really.  They know things aren't good but not the cause.  A new years resolution I think!

I'll be interested to see how others have built their teams!

[Ziggiddy]

oo my. This really got to me. I guess I am still afeared of leaning on anyone or anything too much. I feel like a burden despite reassurance from friends and some family members.

Last weekend, I turned to a girl who was my bff for more than 10 years, knew my family and situation intimately and works in the nursing field - she said she takes her stuff to a professional and dumps it there. I didn't know if it was a hint to me but when i asked her to recommend someone (professional help is difficult to come by geographically here) she suggested I ask my friends. Huh? isn't that what I was doing? it really shook me. Maybe I'm just sensitised at the moment but I felt like it was so damned hard to reach out and it left me with less than I had when I started!

i have a wonderful friend so patient and kind and experienced in the psychiatric field but having her own crises as well as ADHD and husband with depression etc that I feel like too much for her.

Another old close friend had her house burn down a few months ago and lost everything and then ended up with PTSD on top of other issues so not comfortable in burdening her further.

I suppose in answer to your question that I think it takes an enormous leap of faith to ask for help and I am not sure how to put a management plan in place in the 'catastrophic' event that my request is declined. I hope that persistence and patience and prayer will reveal more options but I confess myself at a loss as to how to develop a support team that I can return to when I'm struggling. Much more familiar with helping than being helped!

In fact I'm tempted to post about this. Good thread subject, GreyKitty!

I look forward to seeing how others manage though!

[Grey Kitty]

$.02 more about how I see a support team given this comment:

oo my. This really got to me. I guess I am still afeared of leaning on anyone or anything too much. I feel like a burden despite reassurance from friends and some family members.

Support can be a heart-to-heart about the difficulties (crisis?) in your life.

Support can be going out fishing, watching a movie, or going on a picnic and playing with their kids. In other words, enjoying the "normal" pleasures in life with somebody.

It can be as validating to have a normal fun outing as it is to share your deepest worries and fears!

[Ziggiddy]

haha excellent notion! Funny I was reading my trauma handbook last night and it mentioned how children from abusive backgrounds don't always recognise that forms of leisure can be applied directly to stressful feelings. It's odd really as I always assumed those kind of things were escapism  and not necessarily a healthy response.

[Grey Kitty]

Ziggiddy, I think that those sort of things done with other people is a great way to work on building your support team. It is all about building relationships.

And perhaps the next time something big comes up, you it may feel right to confide in your friend you've gone out to a movie or lunch with every month for the last year. Or perhaps that friend will need somebody to confide in and pick you.

[jedimaster]

I've posted in other places about the people who are now on my support team, but I'm starting to add recreation and personal activities as well.  I had pretty much given up any hobbies and activities other than places I went with my spouse and endless hours of work on the farm.  I am starting to add some things back bit by bit.  I'm taking my time so as (hopefully) not to provoke a reaction.  I'm starting by just expanding upon some of the things I already do.  Instead of just going straight to support group and back, I either go early or stay in town after for a bit, for some me time.  For a while we have led an exercise class for special needs adults, and once again I would go home afterwards. I have started staying over for some additional workout time after everyone leaves, and I usually have the fitness room to myself.  I rejoined the church band and started attending more regularly (she hasn't gone in a while; they're all far too "sinful" for her tastes.)  

After these have had a little time to become routine I plan to add back some hobbies and interests which I have let drop.  Or maybe look for new ones.

I have found that by adding little extras for me here and there, my otherwise routine activities have become highlights of my week.  They're all the more enjoyable and restorative because they are just for me; no one else.  I didn't realize how much I missed those little things and how much I had given up for her.

[maxsterling]

Some of my support team was built after a breakup from a previous PD girlfriend   Then there is my brother, with a BPD wife, a co-worker, who sounds like she has a BPD sister, another coworker, who seems to have a PD mother in law and a depressive husband, my dad, whom I have gotten close to over the past 10 years. 

My support team was in place before my current r/s.  If I hadn't spent the previous few years fostering those relationships, I probably would be much worse off right now. 

[Grey Kitty]

max, I find it interesting that your team dates back to a breakup from a prior relationship.

I was looking at my team and remembered the people I had supporting me during prior rough periods in my marriage, particularly 2009-2010 and another one in 2011-2012.

Many people have stayed on the team, however the two I'm getting the most support from this time are new members. A few have either faded from my life or fallen off the team.

There are times when the "Back bench" of the team is as critical as the "captain" of the team is.

[Rockylove]

I'm having a difficult time with the support team.  I've asked so many favors of friends and my family that I really feel that I'm a huge burden.  I've heard it over and again that if their spouse had a stroke, they'd be there 24/7 forever if that's what it took.  Not necessarily from my family/friends but from HIS family.  This is just what you do.  AHHHHHHHHHH!  Really?  I feel guilty asking my family and friends that were mine before we met to help out when his aren't even acknowledging his disability. 

[Grey Kitty]

I'm having a difficult time with the support team.  I've asked so many favors of friends and my family that I really feel that I'm a huge burden.  I've heard it over and again that if their spouse had a stroke, they'd be there 24/7 forever if that's what it took.  Not necessarily from my family/friends but from HIS family.  This is just what you do.  AHHHHHHHHHH!  Really?  I feel guilty asking my family and friends that were mine before we met to help out when his aren't even acknowledging his disability. 

I gotta wonder if HIS family saying that is their way of saying "We won't help, it is your problem as his spouse", packaged up with extra guilt? Whatever... .you probably just don't have time for people like that in your life. Sigh.

When i started this topic, I was talking about emotional support for challenging times. (i.e. being married to a pwBPD!) With the care your H needs, you have another whole layer of physical/logistical support you (and your H) need too. I can see how it would exhaust the network.

AND exhaust you.   How are you holding up?

[Bloomer]

It sort of happened for me based on the situation. I reconnected with some friends from high school when H first moved in. After months of rebuilding our rs, I opened up to one of them. Over time, she had her own stuff going on and so I shifted the weight to other supporters. Now, H is a bit more stable but it still helps when I'm in meltdown mode to have someone to talk to.

I think the hardest thing about the support system for me was that after a while, or for the ones who know the worst of it, you start noticing, not only how much they care about you but, that they also seem more enthusiastic when you talk about leaving your spouse. For me, I had to come to terms with my own emotions around my expectations of my support system. It's ok that they want me to be happy above all else. And it's ok if I determine that what makes me happy is making my marriage work. This can get sticky in other ways when your BPD spouse makes a big deal about you sharing with "mutual friends" and tries to make you feel guilty or they just start feeling judged by everyone and withdraw from people who still care about them, even if they know they have BPD and haven' been an angel. I do feel like I'm defending my spouse sometimes though and I've felt it here too. He's not perfect but he's committed to changing and I have my own issues too. It's hard to feel like I've driven people away from him, when all I wanted to do was get some support for me :-\

[Grey Kitty]

Bloomer, that problem brings to mind why I am soo grateful for the best of my support team.

They can listen to me, and care about me, and not be invested in the outcome of whether my marriage succeeds or fails, only that I'm happy with my choice. (And yet still hold my feet to the fire when I'm looking like I'm trapped or making choices that don't match my real feelings or values.)

It is hard when somebody pushes you toward leaving... .if you aren't ready or aren't feeling it, you find yourself defending your spouse, and that is NOT where you want to be, or the kind of support you want to get.

It is also feels good when I've been able to support some of these same people in what they are dealing with. So perhaps their difficulties are somewhat of an opportunity for you. (Funny... .it sure is easier to cope with problems when YOU aren't responsible for making and implementing the tough choices!)

[Wrongturn1]

Good topic!  My only support team is the group of great people right here on the boards.  Would be nice to have a support team in place of people I know in the real world. 

uBPDw was very effective at isolating me for many years, but I have started getting out more and having more contact with the outside world, such as fellow musicians in our area.  Still, while I have many acquaintances, I can't think of anyone that I would consider a "friend", which is a bummer.  I'm not really close with anyone in my family - although my sister is an M.D. psychiatrist, so she would be a great candidate for the support team if I could figure out how to make that happen. 

I see this as an area where I need to put in some work, so thanks for raising the topic.

[braveSun]

I started out with going to proper support groups for partners of SAs. After the groups dissolved, I was lucky enough to have 3 members of these groups who were interested to continue meeting over coffee and lunches, and who knew well about my story without placing judgements on whether I should leave the r/s or stay.

It really has been a blessing for me. 

I have found that some of my old friends, who don't have any experiences with PD nor serious addictions, gradually got annoyed with my predicaments. I had to find new sources where people are knowledgeable about my situation.

[waverider]

I found my best support were those that could distract me with other things and yet know I was doing it tough. It was not those who wanted me to pour out the details. They didn't live it, so they don't really understand and so I was left feeling even more down and not understood.

Details of the disorder were hammered out the best here with folks who are not pretending they understand, but do.

Life is not wholly about BPD, good support will demonstrate this

[Grey Kitty]

Wow. I just read a couple things and realized another way I am completely blessed with the kind of people in my real life support team.

I don't go to them for all the day-to-day issues with my BPDw. This community is fantastic for that! My team was really really there for me when I hit crisis level stuff (like the cheating last fall!) that could be the end of my marriage. And more for me than for this sort of stuff.

I just realized that most of these people in my life either A) had a pwBPD or two in their life, and found tools to deal with it [Both co-captains!]... .or had a career in mental health... .or had significant mental health issues in themselves, or in family members that they had coped with well.

So while I tried not to dump ALL the BPD crap on them, they were far better equipped to understand than say, my parents or sister who have no real exposure, and I don't share nearly as much with.

And friends like waverider has are invaluable! The reminder that there are good and normal and fun things to do with life, not about this kind of crazy... .and that people care. Yay!

[Grey Kitty]

For people working on their support network... .I've been finding lots of inspiration lately!

This article on how to deepen an existing friendship is one:

www.lifehacker.com/how-to-move-past-the-superficial-and-build-deeper-frien-1685595122

I've also been watching some of Brené Brown's videos on vulnerability, empathy, and other good stuff. [All over YouTube, some from RSA and TED] Lots in there about what sort of friendships you want to cultivate and a bit on how to do it.

[ColdEthyl]

This topic has been screaming in my face the past few weeks. I don't have any real people I speak to about any of this... .only here. These boards have been great! I am thankful to each and every person on here who makes me feel not alone in this fight.

But, it's obvious it's not enough. I'm ok most of the time... .but I have other days where I feel like I cannot hold one more brick in my bag. Of course, those bricks come... .and I still keep truckin' along.

I'm not a really good people person. It's probably one of the reasons my H honed in on me... .I'm sort of a recluse in nature. I don't trust easy... .and I don't like most people. I'm thinking if I start counseling... .that would be a good first step.

I do talk with my co-workers. I work with 2 older ladies who I am very fond of, but I would never speak to them about this.

[Grey Kitty]

I don't have any real people I speak to about any of this... .only here.

There are so many other things to life besides BPD, or at least there sure outta be! As waverider said, the BPD-specific tools and support here is unbeatable; you don't need a lot more of that outside.

Having people who you can share many of life's joy's and sorrows with is wonderful--even if you don't have to delve into the depths of this crap with them.

It is amazing how good it feels for me to just go to lunch with somebody and talk with him about his grandkids, or the bizarre history of the boatyard I'm at... .which involved several people I'd bet had diagnosable mental illnesses(!) I asked about a guy no longer here's departure, and got a story of family+business politics, including his acrimonious divorce... .no discussion at all about what mental illness anybody might have had. It was very refreshing not to get into that for a change!

[braveSun]

I think it's awesome that I can come on this board, and feel that no matter what happens in my r/s w my SO wBPD, there is someone who will understand, validate me in my quest, and be able to relate and gently re-direct my mis-interpretations, mis-anything...

There is so much joy to be had in just accepting to live the good parts of a r/s with a pwBPD. None of them I could have felt free enough to live like I feel tonite, because there is such a support as to this place on Earth: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php

And with all the people who are dedicating their lives, working at making this a possible way to be a human being, therefore to love,

thank you!   


Thank you GK for sharing of your living experience so candidly with all of us who cares to read. 

I am grateful for you, and for everybody (too many to name), all you out there who beleive that there is more, there must be something more than just say give it up...

That alone makes me safer. Safe enough maybe to go into the world and engage with those who don't necessarily know about it. That silent smile inside... .