Communication

[Ripped Heart]

Had a conversation with gf tonight, like last night she seemed in a better place. I find it difficult to converse with her without wanting to make sure she is ok but fought off the urge again tonight. I kept the conversation in the present and the future such as asking how her day went at work, what her plans are for the rest of the week, if there is any food she would like me to pick up for Christmas Day and Boxing Day for when I go over there.

Resisted the urge to tell her how much I love her or that I miss her, just wanted to focus on the positives and not include anything that might set her off right now.

She told me that she has fallen out with her daughter this week (something else that is quite regular) but that they made up again today. I told her I was glad they were able to sort things out.

Thankfully I have my appointment with Therapist tomorrow because I am finding it difficult to navigate around. I never want to push too far but at the same time, I want her to know I'm there, that I care without being overbearing and also at the same time, not come across as too distant. It's a tough spot to navigate.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Ripped Heart, you've got in going on!  Believe in yourself, her and everything else... . 

Thankfully I have my appointment with Therapist tomorrow because I am finding it difficult to navigate around. I never want to push too far but at the same time, I want her to know I'm there, that I care without being overbearing and also at the same time, not come across as too distant. It's a tough spot to navigate.

In time, the analyzing and making sures will go away (for the most part ), hopefully being replaced by a really nice relationship, where you don't worry about all of that because you feel secure  

[Ripped Heart]

Thanks again phoebe 

It's difficult for me because I'm lonely child and she is abandoned child so it's a tough dynamic. My brain also leans towards the logical side rather than emotional so that is often difficult to navigate too. I started in a caretaker role from a young age which also doesn't help and makes it difficult for me not to rush forward and help out. I really have to think about asking people if they like help rather than doing for them, it's sometimes impulsive, especially when you see someone you care about suffering or struggling.

[123Phoebe]

It's difficult for me because I'm lonely child and she is abandoned child so it's a tough dynamic.

In what ways does this manifest in your relationship?

[Ripped Heart]

Issues around weak boundaries, I don't have an issue setting them but I do have one maintaining them. I've let my partner get away with murder simply to keep the peace and part of that is for very selfish reasons. We use each other in a sense, she has me to guard against her abandonment issues and I have her to avoid feeling lonely and put up with the rollercoaster. Never a good combination.

[123Phoebe]

Issues around weak boundaries, I don't have an issue setting them but I do have one maintaining them. I've let my partner get away with murder simply to keep the peace and part of that is for very selfish reasons. We use each other in a sense, she has me to guard against her abandonment issues and I have her to avoid feeling lonely and put up with the rollercoaster. Never a good combination.

No offense, but this is a pretty vague description.  If you truly believe that you're using each other, then hopelessness about your future together is sure to follow; almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Where's the love?

Is your life aside from this relationship fulfilling?

[waverider]

You have a neediness for validation from her. You need validation from her that you are doing a good job of looking out for her.

This is why you fold on boundaries, because you dont want to seem harsh, you still want her approval for your boundaries. Hence you will only stick to them if she is happy to let you you stick to them.

You are not looking out for you enough. You lack independent self confidence.

You are correct in that this is a codependent relationship. You are enabling each other

[Ripped Heart]

Many thanks for that waverider, it does make sense and does resonate with me 

I do believe you are right in that I seek that validation and find the more it lacks, the more effort I put in. If I'm honest about how I think it's about understanding if I'm doing the right thing. Was in an abusive and toxic relationship before where I was constantly told I never did enough. Had a strict mother who no matter what I did, was never good enough. She wasn't around much growing up, (not because she didn't want to be involved but out of necessity to take care of our family) and I was left to take care of my sister so have probably seen caretaking as a way of seeking approval. That has kind of sat with me and I've tried to over compensate this time around for the reason you say, approval. This has nothing to do with gf and more to do with me.

Phoebe, apologies, it was rather vague. It's something I've only just started to touch on with therapist so don't have a full grasp of it just yet. In answer to your other question, yes, outside of the relationship life is fulfilling. I have a great job, great colleagues, great friends, involved in a lot of activities (which diminished slightly as part of the relationship, she was jealous of my friends and my family, thought some of the things I did were too risky for her, didn't really want to get involved in most of the activities I did but told me we had to speak every day and she had to see me within 4 days otherwise her abandonment issues kick in and she becomes a mess. This is the kind of things where I cut back on my things to give her the attention after she complained I didn't spend enough time with her, despite seeing her 4 or 5 days out of the week. I guess that was a trigger for me and the dynamic changed at that point.

I was in hospital one night, doctors couldn't get hold of her but the following morning she was angry when I didn't call her later that day. Despite the fact I was in for a potential life threatening problem, her response was that because she was angry at me, she was going out drinking with friends. She lives 70 miles away and later that evening I got a call from her because she was lost, had no money and her friends had left her. On the day I just came out of hospital I drove down to pick her up and she acted like nothing had happened when I got there. At first I was annoyed, because as waverider said, I kind of wanted the approval, but then again I felt that was unfair. Just as I was also angry because I thought she would have cared but again I felt it was unfair to have that expectation. So rather than address the issue and communicate, I kept silent which again is on me. I just learned to accept that I love her for all she is, the good times, indifferent times and the bad times and that all of those things are her.

The relationship hasn't always been that way, for the most part it's been great, just the occasional curve ball which became a monthly thing. No pattern to it, can be about anything at all and not related to anything going on. Hope that makes things a little clearer.