Why do they try so hard to avoid us?

[oortcloud]

Is it guilt? Shame?  

My exBPD broke up with me 5 months ago, and what was initially bittersweet turned sour after I confronted her about badly she had treated me during our 2.5 years together. I was instantly raged at, discarded, and blocked from her life.

Since then she has gone out of her way to avoid seeing me. The one time she saw me, she literally ran in the opposite direction and hid until I was presumably out of sight. She has dumped my belongings on my front porch on two separate occasions when I was out of town, without contacting me beforehand (I wrote a separate post about this). And just 2 weeks ago she suddenly unblocked me on Facebook - presumably to make sure we don't end up going to the same events together.

Why do they insist on making everything awkward like this? Does seeing me remind her of what she's lost? Of how unstable of a person she is? Does she feel guilty about hurting me? I just want to be cordial to each other. The community we live in is small, so we're going to run into each other at SOME POINT. I just find this whole thing insane and unnecessary.

[Infern0]

Some of it is down to shame.

My BPD knew that she had hurt people,  she told me on some occasions and that she hated herself for it etc.

But they can't face/handle that truth on any consistent basis although it is in there knawing at them.

Some of it is fear too,  if you have sustained nc or moved on then they have no control over you and BPD hate not having control.  And they are paranoid so they may fear you confronting them etc.

It's a funny old thing,  mine does that hiding thing from me when I'm painted black then pretends it didn't happen when I'm painted white haha

As for it being insane. Well BPD are not sane my friend.

[jhkbuzz]

Don't forget:  things are black or white.  You're great or horrible, in her eyes.

[expos]

It's guilt/shame.  They don't want to deal with the mess they KNOW they made. 

[EaglesJuju]

It's guilt/shame.  They don't want to deal with the mess they KNOW they made. 

PwBPD's emotions are so intense.  I think it is a combination of not wanting to deal and cannot actually deal with the guilt/shame. 

[HappyNihilist]

Several possibilities, and they're by no means mutually exclusive--

• guilt/shame



• fear (remember, we trigger them now)



• they don't want to or can't deal with our emotions, so they avoid that by not engaging



• we're split black

[EaglesJuju]

Several possibilities, and they're by no means mutually exclusive--

• guilt/shame



• fear (remember, we trigger them now)



• they don't want to or can't deal with our emotions, so they avoid that by not engaging



• we're split black

[oortcloud]

So they can feel shame ? And What is the "fear" we trigger in them?

I remember I used to ask my ex why she never apologized for [insert horrible behaviour towards me here]. Her answer: I don't see the point of apologizing for something I meant at the time.

I never understood this, but I guess it's a symptom of the disorder. And I've given up on ever expecting a thank you for how well I treated her, or a sorry for how poorly I was treated.

[oortcloud]

Some of it is down to shame.

My BPD knew that she had hurt people,  she told me on some occasions and that she hated herself for it etc.

But they can't face/handle that truth on any consistent basis although it is in there knawing at them.

Some of it is fear too,  if you have sustained nc or moved on then they have no control over you and BPD hate not having control.  And they are paranoid so they may fear you confronting them etc.

It's a funny old thing,  mine does that hiding thing from me when I'm painted black then pretends it didn't happen when I'm painted white haha

As for it being insane. Well BPD are not sane my friend.

Infern0, what caused you to go from split back to white?

[Deeno02]

Well, I know Im tired of looking over my shoulder all the time, so I stopped. So far all contact has been avoided and Im so happy for that. I will be about 7 months NC when Volleyball season kicks in(she coaches my son's HS team) and then Im forced to see her. Im not looking forward to it because Ive changed alot, lost weight, different style, more tats, worked out more and Im trying not to attract attension from her. I dont care if she feels guilt, shame, pain or whatever. I just want to be left alone. If anyone has any tips with which to not fall for any of her BS, Im all ears. I do have a plan of indifference but always looking for help!... .

[Leaving]

Well, I know Im tired of looking over my shoulder all the time, so I stopped. So far all contact has been avoided and Im so happy for that. I will be about 7 months NC when Volleyball season kicks in(she coaches my son's HS team) and then Im forced to see her. Im not looking forward to it because Ive changed alot, lost weight, different style, more tats, worked out more and Im trying not to attract attension from her. I dont care if she feels guilt, shame, pain or whatever. I just want to be left alone. If anyone has any tips with which to not fall for any of her BS, Im all ears. I do have a plan of indifference but always looking for help!... .

Deeno, I'm so happy for you!  You should feel very proud of yourself and not worry about falling into the trap again. You are growing stronger and more confident every single day and trust in that.  You will protect your happiness, trust in that.   I feel the same as you about my husband and I want to be left alone once I'm out of here. I no longer care about his well-being.  The truth is, he has an enabling family that created him and they can care for him.   I don't want to ever touch that 'dirty' place in my life ever again and although I do worry about triggers from others, I know I am a reasonable woman who can discern between reality and past trauma.  The best tip I can give you Deeno is to be logical and don't deviate from necessary dialogue- keep the discussion very focused on just straight forward comments.   If she wants to create lots of unnecessary conversation, be polite but just say that you have to leave. 

One thing I do very often is role play responses out loud when I'm alone.  I practice how to respond to certain situations so that it becomes second nature to me and I don't get emotionally triggered. 

 

[Deeno02]

Well, I know Im tired of looking over my shoulder all the time, so I stopped. So far all contact has been avoided and Im so happy for that. I will be about 7 months NC when Volleyball season kicks in(she coaches my son's HS team) and then Im forced to see her. Im not looking forward to it because Ive changed alot, lost weight, different style, more tats, worked out more and Im trying not to attract attension from her. I dont care if she feels guilt, shame, pain or whatever. I just want to be left alone. If anyone has any tips with which to not fall for any of her BS, Im all ears. I do have a plan of indifference but always looking for help!... .

Deeno, I'm so happy for you!  You should feel very proud of yourself and not worry about falling into the trap again. You are growing stronger and more confident every single day and trust in that.  You will protect your happiness, trust in that.   I feel the same as you about my husband and I want to be left alone once I'm out of here. I no longer care about his well-being.  The truth is, he has an enabling family that created him and they can care for him.   I don't want to ever touch that 'dirty' place in my life ever again and although I do worry about triggers from others, I know I am a reasonable woman who can discern between reality and past trauma.  The best tip I can give you Deeno is to be logical and don't deviate from necessary dialogue- keep the discussion very focused on just straight forward comments.   If she wants to create lots of unnecessary conversation, be polite but just say that you have to leave. 

One thing I do very often is role play responses out loud when I'm alone.  I practice how to respond to certain situations so that it becomes second nature to me and I don't get emotionally triggered. 

 

Thanks Leaving! I do the same. Im sure the people at the stop light think Im certifiable, talking to myself. But yeah, it does help! Im preparing for it. So far so good though. 4 months out and not a sighting or any contact! Fingers crossed!

[EaglesJuju]

So they can feel shame ? And What is the "fear" we trigger in them?

I remember I used to ask my ex why she never apologized for [insert horrible behaviour towards me here]. Her answer: I don't see the point of apologizing for something I meant at the time.

I never understood this, but I guess it's a symptom of the disorder. And I've given up on ever expecting a thank you for how well I treated her, or a sorry for how poorly I was treated.

A common characteristic of pwBPD are intense feelings of anger followed by shame and guilt.  The fear that we trigger in them is abandonment.   They associate abandonment with them being "bad." 

The response your ex gave you is a good glimpse into their emotional dysregulation, how it lasts for a relatively short period of time. 

Many of pwBPD do not overtly apologize for their behavior.   

[guy4caligirl]

Eagle JUJU

we talk about fear, abadement, deregulation  etc , why do they prefer to go through all that while with a replacement ,

instead of coming back and get treatment with someone that know them better ?

[EaglesJuju]

Eagle JUJU

we talk about fear, abadement, deregulation  etc , why do they prefer to go through all that while with a replacement ,

instead of coming back and get treatment with someone that know them better ?

There are individual differences that can be factored into a certain situation. I cannot answer that all pwBPD act a certain way, since it is a spectrum disorder.  Although, from a generalized perspective, it has to do with them "dissociative splitting" and devaluing the partner.  It is a coping mechanism, where it is easier for a pwBPD to avoid the negative feelings associated with that partner.  Instead of coping with the intense feelings associated with that partner, they seek a new one. 

[guy4caligirl]

Makes a lot of sense ... .

Here  am five months out NC , 12 days NC waiting on a validation , yes you were right !

But it seems that I am not going to get it or is it still early or she is just gone for ever and am  still have hope ,

this is how I feel today , I don't know what tomorrow will bring .

I am in a company with another girl , but she knows am not ready , I feel, I can't wait for her to go home which's today .

I really can't have a relation or even sex relation with someone else , why is that ?

[oortcloud]

Eagle JUJU

we talk about fear, abadement, deregulation  etc , why do they prefer to go through all that while with a replacement ,

instead of coming back and get treatment with someone that know them better ?

There are individual differences that can be factored into a certain situation. I cannot answer that all pwBPD act a certain way, since it is a spectrum disorder.  Although, from a generalized perspective, it has to do with them "dissociative splitting" and devaluing the partner.  It is a coping mechanism, where it is easier for a pwBPD to avoid the negative feelings associated with that partner.  Instead of coping with the intense feelings associated with that partner, they seek a new one. 

I guess in this respect, we are doing our ex's a favour by keeping NC... so they can continue avoiding the truth.

Part of me dislikes this since I really wish they could feel as hurt as they have hurt us, but I know that's a bit selfish.

[EaglesJuju]

Here  am five months out NC , 12 days NC waiting on a validation , yes you were right !

But it seems that I am not going to get it or is it still early or she is just gone for ever and am  still have hope ,

this is how I feel today , I don't know what tomorrow will bring .

I am in a company with another girl , but she knows am not ready , I feel, I can't wait for her to go home which's today .

I really can't have a relation or even sex relation with someone else , why is that ?

You  still have not detached from your ex. 

[EaglesJuju]

Eagle JUJU

we talk about fear, abadement, deregulation  etc , why do they prefer to go through all that while with a replacement ,

instead of coming back and get treatment with someone that know them better ?

There are individual differences that can be factored into a certain situation. I cannot answer that all pwBPD act a certain way, since it is a spectrum disorder.  Although, from a generalized perspective, it has to do with them "dissociative splitting" and devaluing the partner.  It is a coping mechanism, where it is easier for a pwBPD to avoid the negative feelings associated with that partner.  Instead of coping with the intense feelings associated with that partner, they seek a new one. 

I guess in this respect, we are doing our ex's a favour by keeping NC... so they can continue avoiding the truth.

Part of me dislikes this since I really wish they could feel as hurt as they have hurt us, but I know that's a bit selfish.

NC is for you to heal and work on yourself .  It has nothing to do with them.  We cannot control or change their behavior.  They can only do that themselves.  PwBPD do feel hurt and other negative emotions on a constant basis.  Their emotional sensitivity is a cause for many of their behaviors. 

[guy4caligirl]

I agree , every case is different ,it  depends on what and where in life we are .

It's the phase I am .

In my case I invested five years , others more , married , children , none of that applies to my ex .

How can I detach ? Looks like NC is ok but not doing the job ?

Should I go back to LC since I didn't hear from her ?

please help clear my mind ?

[EaglesJuju]

I agree , every case is different , depends on what and where in life

's stage I am or anybody else in .

In my case I invested five years , others more , married , children ... .

I don't she doesn't have children .and so on .

How can I detach ? Looks like NC is ok but not doing the job ?

Should I go back to LC since I didn't hear from her ?

please help clear my mind ?

Have you read the lessons--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->?

I cannot make the decision for you to either continue being NC or LC.  That decision depends on your feelings and what you seek to gain.  With that being said, I do understand the desire to want to continue contact.  On the other hand, to truly heal, you have to stop making the wound worse.  NC provides a way to do that.  The journey of NC is not easy and detaching does not happen instantaneously, rather it is a process of discovery and healing. 

[oortcloud]

Eagle JUJU

we talk about fear, abadement, deregulation  etc , why do they prefer to go through all that while with a replacement ,

instead of coming back and get treatment with someone that know them better ?

There are individual differences that can be factored into a certain situation. I cannot answer that all pwBPD act a certain way, since it is a spectrum disorder.  Although, from a generalized perspective, it has to do with them "dissociative splitting" and devaluing the partner.  It is a coping mechanism, where it is easier for a pwBPD to avoid the negative feelings associated with that partner.  Instead of coping with the intense feelings associated with that partner, they seek a new one. 

I guess in this respect, we are doing our ex's a favour by keeping NC... so they can continue avoiding the truth.

Part of me dislikes this since I really wish they could feel as hurt as they have hurt us, but I know that's a bit selfish.

NC is for you to heal and work on yourself .  It has nothing to do with them.  We cannot control or change their behavior.  They can only do that themselves.  PwBPD do feel hurt and other negative emotions on a constant basis.  Their emotional sensitivity is a cause for many of their behaviors. 

Thanks Eagles, you've been very helpful and insightful!    I still can't wrap my head around being discarded after how much I did for this person, and I wish they weren't treating me like I never existed   But I guess I can only push on and continue to heal.

[guy4caligirl]

looks like sometimes being BPD has it's advantages , you can just go on like nothing happened , resume life with someone else quickly  

No hurt nothing , or do you think they hurt too and think of us ?

[oortcloud]

looks like sometimes being BPD has it's advantages , you can just go on like nothing happened , resume life with someone else quickly  

No hurt nothing , or do you think they hurt too and think of us ?

I think they hurt from time to time, but find ways of burying the hurt so they don't feel it. Burying it = not acknowledging they caused the misery that they now can't stand.

[EaglesJuju]

Thanks Eagles, you've been very helpful and insightful!    I still can't wrap my head around being discarded after how much I did for this person, and I wish they weren't treating me like I never existed   But I guess I can only push on and continue to heal.

Hang in there.  

When my bf left, that was the hardest part for me to cope with was his avoidance. It really triggered my own abandonment issues.  I knew the rational reason why he was behaving that way, but my emotions took over.  He even told me that he was avoiding me because, talking to me made him really upset.  Still my emotions eclipsed the logical reasons.  It took some time but, I finally balanced my emotional and logical thoughts.  I realized that his behavior had nothing to do with me and was used a defense mechanism.  That really helped me in my healing process.    

[EaglesJuju]

looks like sometimes being BPD has it's advantages , you can just go on like nothing happened , resume life with someone else quickly  

No hurt nothing , or do you think they hurt too and think of us ?

They do feel hurt. Marsha Linehan (founder of DBT and former sufferer of BPD) states,

“People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.”

[oortcloud]

Thanks Eagles, you've been very helpful and insightful!    I still can't wrap my head around being discarded after how much I did for this person, and I wish they weren't treating me like I never existed   But I guess I can only push on and continue to heal.

Hang in there.  

When my bf left, that was the hardest part for me to cope with was his avoidance. It really triggered my own abandonment issues.  I knew the rational reason why he was behaving that way, but my emotions took over.  He even told me that he was avoiding me because, talking to me made him really upset.  Still my emotions eclipsed the logical reasons.  It took some time but, I finally balanced my emotional and logical thoughts.  I realized that his behavior had nothing to do with me and was used a defense mechanism.  That really helped me in my healing process.    

Did your bf ever come back into your life, Eagles? I think part of me holds out hope that me and my ex can be on neutral terms one day because we went through so much together. but the more time that passes the more futile I think my hope is.

[EaglesJuju]

Thanks Eagles, you've been very helpful and insightful!    I still can't wrap my head around being discarded after how much I did for this person, and I wish they weren't treating me like I never existed   But I guess I can only push on and continue to heal.

Hang in there.  

When my bf left, that was the hardest part for me to cope with was his avoidance. It really triggered my own abandonment issues.  I knew the rational reason why he was behaving that way, but my emotions took over.  He even told me that he was avoiding me because, talking to me made him really upset.  Still my emotions eclipsed the logical reasons.  It took some time but, I finally balanced my emotional and logical thoughts.  I realized that his behavior had nothing to do with me and was used a defense mechanism.  That really helped me in my healing process.    

Did your bf ever come back into your life, Eagles? I think part of me holds out hope that me and my ex can be on neutral terms one day because we went through so much together. but the more time that passes the more futile I think my hope is.

Currently, he is still in my life from a distance.  I understand the hope that you hold on to.  Especially with all that you have been through together. Time and NC do help you gain a different prospective on your situation.  I went NC to heal myself and to focus on my own issues.   

[guy4caligirl]

Thanks Eagles, you've been very helpful and insightful!    I still can't wrap my head around being discarded after how much I did for this person, and I wish they weren't treating me like I never existed   But I guess I can only push on and continue to heal.

Hang in there.  

When my bf left, that was the hardest part for me to cope with was his avoidance. It really triggered my own abandonment issues.  I knew the rational reason why he was behaving that way, but my emotions took over.  He even told me that he was avoiding me because, talking to me made him really upset.  Still my emotions eclipsed the logical reasons.  It took some time but, I finally balanced my emotional and logical thoughts.  I realized that his behavior had nothing to do with me and was used a defense mechanism.  That really helped me in my healing process.    

That is a good way to heal , I agree knowing them they do react this way not they don't want us but for them not to be hurt  "behavior  Has nothing to do with me and was used a defense mechanism "

[evilpepsi]

Thanks Eagles, you've been very helpful and insightful!    I still can't wrap my head around being discarded after how much I did for this person, and I wish they weren't treating me like I never existed   But I guess I can only push on and continue to heal.

Hang in there.  

When my bf left, that was the hardest part for me to cope with was his avoidance. It really triggered my own abandonment issues.  I knew the rational reason why he was behaving that way, but my emotions took over.  He even told me that he was avoiding me because, talking to me made him really upset.  Still my emotions eclipsed the logical reasons.  It took some time but, I finally balanced my emotional and logical thoughts.  I realized that his behavior had nothing to do with me and was used a defense mechanism.  That really helped me in my healing process.    

Did your bf ever come back into your life, Eagles? I think part of me holds out hope that me and my ex can be on neutral terms one day because we went through so much together. but the more time that passes the more futile I think my hope is.

Why would you want to subject yourself to this all over again? Especially when you haven't healed from this time... .