She is now having unbelievable realizations...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have officially filed for divorce and my dBPDw has been served with the papers.

Just before I filed and recently I have been getting normal comments from her: about how much she realizes she hurt me and how crazy some of her actions were in the past.  She has apologized for things I forgot about.  Sometimes it takes the wind of of sails because it seems honest and sincere(i believe much of it is).  I keep think why did this not happen years ago.  She seems like she is being honest, gives me the answers I want to hear, and is willing to look\talk about things she never has before.

I need to leave because I have nothing left.   My questions is this, what is the best not to become trapped?

[Mike76]

I have officially filed for divorce and my dBPDw has been served with the papers.

Just before I filed and recently I have been getting normal comments from her: about how much she realizes she hurt me and how crazy some of her actions were in the past.  She has apologized for things I forgot about.  Sometimes it takes the wind of of sails because it seems honest and sincere(i believe much of it is).  I keep think why did this not happen years ago.  She seems like she is being honest, gives me the answers I want to hear, and is willing to look\talk about things she never has before.

I need to leave because I have nothing left.   My questions is this, what is the best not to become trapped?

[Pingo]

Hi Mike, I think many of us hope and wish for our exes to 'see the light'.  I wish and dread this at the same time.  Because if he came and seemed like he was healthy and really sorry, it would confuse me.  I think, for me, I'd be looking at actions, not words.  It's easy to express an apology.  Mine admitted he had been an a$$, needed help, etc. but when it came right down to it he hadn't changed anything, they were just words trying to seduce me back into the game. 

[Targeted]

That's where I am out with my ex GF.  I am currently in NC and do not want her anywhere near me, I fear that I would just give in and try again because of what she tells me,  I wish for this and I dread it at the same time as well,  but I know if I went back because of her words nothing has changed, actions are the only thing that matters.

[Pingo]

That's where I am out with my ex GF.  I am currently in NC and do not want her anywhere near me, I fear that I would just give in and try again because of what she tells me,  I wish for this and I dread it at the same time as well,  but I know if I went back because of her words nothing has changed, actions are the only thing that matters.

That is exactly what I did, after we split up the first time last January.  We recycled and after 2 mths back together nothing had changed!  It actually got worse!

[Mike76]

I this time I am not worried I am going to fall back... .lets hope I stay this way.  With the Christmas holiday I have put some pretty strong boundaries in place.   For my right now it is not even really just words, I have scene actions.  It is rather freaky, in fact it is to much.    

She mentions I look nice in person,  she also sends words of affirmation via text, email, or on the fridge.  I keep thinking you have gave 10% of this things would have been so much better.

[Panther123]

Yup, mine is doing the same thing.  Saying sorry, how she wished she did it different, etc.

I did not fall for it, but have it pretty easy because the sorry only lasts for a day or two then I'm a dirt bag again. She keeps reminding me why I ended it.

I loved her deeply when she was good.  Not anymore, you need to let her go and fall out of love.  Sever connections, etc.  I know this is not easy to do.  I've been seeing counselors and doing repatterning therapy, writing a journal.

We all got into these relationships and stayed because we have problems too.  Once we fix our own problems its so easy to see how a relationship like this is horrible.  So how to not get sucked back in?  Learn to love yourself and live alone - no partner, no dating, nothing and work on self.

I got into these relationship because I thought I wasn't good enough for anything else, that it was better to be with someone than alone even if they harmed me or my kids. I realized I learned this from my mom (she is still doing it).  Each of us needs to fix ourselves, set strong boundaries, communicate them and if they are crossed do something about it.

Good luck

[NYMike]

That's where I am out with my ex GF.  I am currently in NC and do not want her anywhere near me, I fear that I would just give in and try again because of what she tells me,  I wish for this and I dread it at the same time as well,  but I know if I went back because of her words nothing has changed, actions are the only thing that matters.

I am with you on this.I have been recycled 4 times and nothing changed.It is the same old words and BS.

I want to believe her but she lies and manipulates and has no empathy or compassion who she destroys and abandons in the process.

They do a number on us that care about them and love them.It's gets to the point that the pain of leaving is not as bad as the pains of staying in the game.

I am working hard to not engage with her,ignore her and STAY NC AGAIN.I pray I don't get sucked in like before if she reappears.

[Ripped Heart]

Hi Mike,

If there is one thing I learned from my previous relationship (and to some degree my current one) is that those words are a survival instinct. They cling on to anything they possibly can to avoid the abandonment.

After I managed to get away from my previous toxic and abusive r/s, I received threats that the police would be called if I ever got in touch and lots of abuse. I went NC immediately and never looked back. In the time since (3 years) I have received over 250 emails from her, found as fast as I was blocking her from one thing, she was popping up somewhere else, she even set up false facebook profiles under her children's names and sent requests to my family and even phonecalls to my family in tears and begging them to speak to her. Quite ironic considering I was the one threatened if I ever contacted her.

A few months ago, I got what was one of the nicest and politest emails from her, she used manners for perhaps the first time ever too. I don't believe for one minute she has changed and see it for exactly what it is. I didn't bite then and shortly after the last email she sent me was back to her usual self. 3 years and she is still trying.

[Targeted]

Telling you you look nice is just words, her saying she wished it could have been different is just words, saying sorry is just words, acting nice and kind is acting, is I think actions could be different for different people what they would like to see like stopping this or that or start doing this or that,  but I believe the this or that that you would want changed is due to the disorder anyway. The only action I would ever accept is accepting that there is a problem and finding out what it is exactly and fully committing to therapy in correcting the issues and seeing actual progress!    Without that I do not even want to have a cup of coffee with her to say goodbye.

[downwhim]

Mike, they play us just like a fiddle. I allowed him to recycle me 3 times. The 2nd time he said, "I have never stopped loving you, do you miss me?" Yuck. Being the codependent I am of course I said ye. It shad been 18 months. My friends and family were so proud of me for moving on from this guy they did not like. We got engaged during the 3rd recycle and almost from the minute he put the ring on my finger he changed.

Picture this, driving down the freeway 3rd lane over, see his sports car flying by in the fast lane. He could have called me and said hey, see me over here but no, he had my replacement in the car with him! He called in the morning to say I love you, let's make plans. You see, words as they are saying on here mean nothing. The actions speak.

Anyway they can suck us in they will. Be careful.

[Pingo]

Mike, they play us just like a fiddle. I allowed him to recycle me 3 times. The 2nd time he said, "I have never stopped loving you, do you miss me?" Yuck. Being the codependent I am of course I said ye. It shad been 18 months. My friends and family were so proud of me for moving on from this guy they did not like. We got engaged during the 3rd recycle and almost from the minute he put the ring on my finger he changed.

Picture this, driving down the freeway 3rd lane over, see his sports car flying by in the fast lane. He could have called me and said hey, see me over here but no, he had my replacement in the car with him! He called in the morning to say I love you, let's make plans. You see, words as they are saying on here mean nothing. The actions speak.

Anyway they can suck us in they will. Be careful.

Downwhin, did he admit to or deny that he had his replacement in the car?  I caught mine stalking me when I was visiting my gf and to this day he denies it and told anyone who would listen that he was worried about me driving home in the fog so that's why he had driven by where I was!  So infuriating! (This is what led to our first BU)

[downwhim]

Pingo, never admitted anything. We went to Costco together one day before b/u and he wanted my opinion on sheets. I told him a didn't like fleece sheets. He said just pick the pattern and laughed. He grabbed a pair. I said, who are they for your internet friend? He gave a smirk. Jerk... .

These two were a lot a like.