I'm a woman of 27 from the Netherlands with a uBPD mom.

[polly87]

Hi everyone,

So this is my first post on this forum   . In a nutshell: I'm a woman of 27 from the Netherlands. My mother has (undiagnosed) BPD, which I only found out last year. In early 2013, when I moved in with my partner, my mother gave me hell. She tried to kill me because I "left her alone". Early this year, I decided to quit seeing her or speaking to her and the rest of my family from mother's side (who blamed me for everything). Shortly after that, I suddenly remembered how my mother sexually abused me as a child. I am now trying to heal from this trauma and from the emotional abuse, which continues to trouble my moods every day.

My parents are divorced and I did not know my dad and the rest of my father's side of the family until July 2014. It's been great getting to know them and their presence has helped me through many difficult moments, as well as my lovely partner without whom I would not be here today.

My biggest challenge is learning to allow myself to feel emotions such as anger and not to beat myself up about it. I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression and I'm kicking the habit of self-harm.

I hope I can learn from your stories and experiences and hopefully I can make some useful contributions to the forum in return

I don't mean to trigger anyone's emotions by this post and if so please let me know and I'll edit it.

[Kwamina]

Hi polly87

Welcome to our online community  

Having a uBPD mother isn't easy. Many of our members know what it's like to have a parent with a personality disorder. I am very sorry that you were sexually abused by your mother. That's very traumatic for a child and I can see how your mind might have sought for ways to protect you by blocking these memories out.

You mention that you were diagnosed with PTSD and depression and that self-harming has also been an issue Are you getting help from a therapist to deal with what you've been through and the things you are still going through right now?

She tried to kill me because I "left her alone".

What you say here sounds quite alarming. Could you perhaps tell us a bit more about what happened? Do you literally mean that she did things with the intention of killing you?

I hope I can learn from your stories and experiences and hopefully I can make some useful contributions to the forum in return

I don't mean to trigger anyone's emotions by this post and if so please let me know and I'll edit it.

I can tell you that just by sharing your story in this first post, you've already made a very useful contribution to this forum Reading your story can be insightful to others and might encourage them to post their own story and/or get help. That's why I give you a

[Harri]

Hi Polly.  I am glad you found this place and posted.  You are certainly in a place where other people can relate and hopefully we can offer support when needed.  I too was sexually abused by my mother and I was diagnosed with c-PTSD as well as depression.  Sexual abuse of any kind is difficult to process, but I have found mother-daughter incest to be harder to discuss and get help as so few people accept that it can and does happen.  Anyhoo, there are quite a few of us here with PTSD, so again, you are not alone.

When you can or want to, please share more of your story.  Everyone here is very supportive and willing to share what worked for them and to hash things out when you just need to talk.

[Woolspinner2000]

Polly87, 

I am very glad you found us here and that you have begun by telling us a little of your story. We are a family of support here, so many of us having PTSD including myself due to growing up with an uBPDm.

Memories can be tough to work through.  Like Kwamina, I'm wondering if you have someone to help you walk through these tough issues that you are facing? My T has proven so helpful to me, and the support of finally having someone to walk beside me, encouraging me to work through those memories when they come up has been huge. I'm also glad that you have gone NC right now, especially for your physical and mental safety. Keep posting and let us know how you are!

Woolspinner

[Ziggiddy]

Hello Polly  - I would like to add my welcome in with the others and congratulate you on your courage to post your introduction.

The others here are all genuinely correct that it is a terrific family and a great place for support and education.

It seems as though you have been through a really hard time of it   - PTSD is no picnic and I can't believe that your mother tried to kill you! What a shocking thing.

You may find it beneficial to have a read of the Survivor to Thriver manual that is located to the RHS of this board ------>

I found it no end of help to get a sense of what to expect. It's a tough road but a worthwhile one. I am glad you are embarked on it and look forward to you expanding more on your story.



All the best

Ziggiddy

[polly87]

Thank you all for the warm welcome!   I'm trying to figure out which topics to read first - there's such a lot of information here! The Survivor's Guide is really interesting. I seem to be at step 4 - I'm trying to deal with the horrifying memories and I'm trying to understand that she cannot harm me anymore in the present time.

Kwamina, I'm sorry to have to say that my mother did try to kill me. I was standing on top of the stairs and she was trying to throw me down. My ex-therapist confirmed my fear that she was not just fighting but intended to kill me.

I now have a new therapist since I moved away from my home town to the other side of the country. I started therapy with her in July and I still find it difficult to speak frankly with her, despite the fact that she has never judged me. I wish I could see her more often than once every two weeks, but that's how the system works here in the Netherlands.

My mother still stalks me by calling a couple of times in a row every few days or weeks. Strangely enough, this does not bother me at all, instead I get strength from it, knowing that she finally has to deal with her bad conscience now.

The thing that I really struggle with and that triggers me without exception is the feeling of powerlessness. It also happens when someone else seems powerless in my eyes, like when my partner is given way too much work or when someone is really rude to him. It's as if my body needs to experience the powerlessness again and wants to do something about it this time. That's where things tend to go wrong... .I get all worked up and angry at myself, as if I am or was to blame for not being able to stop the culprit. I'm ashamed to say that in very few cases I do direct my anger at my partner, but in most cases I direct it at myself. I get furious with myself and at that moment I cannot tell why. I sometimes think it is because my mother herself is not around (thank God for that) but in clearer moments, I realise it is because I still blame myself for what happened. I mentally know that this is unfair, yet I cannot seem to stop believing this. I'm learning to feel compassion for myself in small ways, such as allowing myself to have meals on time. I've a long way to go yet... .

Harri, thank you for sharing your story and I'm very, very sorry you have been abused as well. It's true that people have a hard time to believe that incest between mother and daughter does happen. I think there are few people who have experienced it... .May I ask when you found out what had happened?

I have yet to tell my dad and stepmum what has happened to me. Even my best friend doesn't know yet. The day after the memories returned, I went to my inlaws because I was too afraid to be alone in case more memories came back (I didn't know my dad and stepmum back then and my partner had to work that day.) I have told them what happened and I've regretted it since. They do not seem to fully understand the impact of PTSD (but then again, who can?). Sometimes I'm on the brink of telling a friend, but I'm afraid they won't understand or I'll freak out because of all the emotions.

If there's anything you'd like to know about me feel free to ask and thanks again for your replies

[Kwamina]

Hi again polly87

Kwamina, I'm sorry to have to say that my mother did try to kill me. I was standing on top of the stairs and she was trying to throw me down. My ex-therapist confirmed my fear that she was not just fighting but intended to kill me.

Wow... .I was hoping it wasn't really so. I am very sorry that your mother tried to do this to you. Had she ever done anything like this before? Would you say she's a violent person, particularly when she perceives she's being 'abandoned'? The fear of abandonment is something many people with BPD greatly struggle with.

The thing that I really struggle with and that triggers me without exception is the feeling of powerlessness. It also happens when someone else seems powerless in my eyes, like when my partner is given way too much work or when someone is really rude to him.

I can relate to your feelings. Events like this probably trigger emotions and/or memories inside of you related to your experiences with your mother. It's interesting that you mention being at step 4 of the survivor's guide. The next step is accepting that you were powerless over your abusers' actions which holds THEM responsible.

I get all worked up and angry at myself, as if I am or was to blame for not being able to stop the culprit.

... .

I realise it is because I still blame myself for what happened. I mentally know that this is unfair, yet I cannot seem to stop believing this.

Getting from knowing it on a rational level to also truly accepting it on an emotional level isn't always easy. These things can take some time and it is indeed important to treat yourself with compassion as you work on your healing. You've made the first step and that is becoming aware that there's something wrong and identiifying the areas you might need to work on

[Harri]

Hi Polly.   

May I ask when you found out what had happened?

For me it was not one instance or one memory.  The sexual abuse was, mostly, a daily occurrence and was such a part of life that much of it happened right out in the open with my father as a witness and observer.  Very little of it was hidden.  So for me it was not a matter of remembering it was more a matter of labeling what happened as sexual abuse and accepting that it was wrong.  It was a long long process to get there with lots of periods of denial and minimizing precisely because it was accepted (after all my father would watch much of it) and to deny my mother was a threat to my own security as she believed my body/life was hers to do with what she though was right and necessary.  On top of that, I was still very much enmeshed and to stop her required understanding and acceptance that I just did not have at that point and I am not sure I could have handled it then.  After I first labeled it as abuse there were periods where I would try to stop her and say no but it took a good decade more before I stopped it for good.  The last part is what I struggle with the most right now.  In essence, for the last decade of it, I was a willing participant.  It is a total mind ___.  On an intellectual level I understand it, but emotionally I am in a state of flux    For now, it is what it is.

I am sorry that your mother tried to kill you (and only here can someone write that sentence and not have it be part of a movie!).  That is serious stuff and must add to the fear and anger.  Have you ever heard of the medean mother?  She is described briefly in "Understanding the borderline Mother" as a subset of the witch.  There is not a whole lot of information out there though.  In general, that book is a good one to read, but it can bring up some tough emotions (just a caution).

I'm glad you found the board!  Keep sharing.  We can all listen and support you. 

[polly87]

Best wishes to you all for the new year 

Thanks Kwamina and Harri for your replies. It is a comfort to me to know that I'm not the only one who has suffered these terrible things.

Kwamina, yes, my mother was aggressive to people who were close to her, especially when they were about to leave her. She once knocked my stepdad down the stairs (one of about ten stepdads in a row) while I was watching her. She then tried to knock the poor man down with his suitcase. Apart from that, the 'bullsh!t' as my partner and I call it, started when I went from dating to a serious relationship with my partner. My mother picked verbal fights with me and abused me emotionally day and night (which she has done ever since I was little, but then it intensified). This drove me so crazy that eventually I went NC.

I don't think I'm ready to accept that I was powerless and that the abuser is responsible for what happened. The grief and fear are too intense to handle. I wish I had more people to be around during the day, so that I'd be able to turn to them while trying to grasp the actual truth and the emotions it causes.

Thanks for your kind words, I guess I need to hear I'm doing things right... .

Harri, how sad that you had to suffer the abuse for such a long period. I don't want to compare anything but I have to tell you that in my case, the abuse also lasted for years. It happened a couple of times a week. I hope I don't trigger any strong emotions by telling the following. I was told I was being  'cleaned' while I was actually being abused. I didn't know any better. What is more, I was made to feel dirty, worthless and powerless. These feelings still last. I remember that one time, though it might have happened more often, I was penetrated (raped) with an object.

I totally agree that these sort of things cannot be understood soon. I guess it takes a lot of time to understand with the heart that we weren't guilty and that we are powerful women now. I hope you and I will feel this eventually.

Yes, I've read Understanding the Borderline Mother. It was a revelation to me. My mother is the medean type. My partner keeps reminding me that the most important message from the book is that hatred can only be cured with love.

Are you getting professional help at the moment? It must have been very difficult to know what was going on while you couldn't do anything about it.

Meanwhile I'm working through the Survivor to Thriver book, which I think will be really useful to me in the coming months and maybe even years.

[Harri]

Hi Polly.  I am glad to see you back here.   

No worries about comparing.  I see it more as relating and sharing so it is all good.  Also, please feel free to talk about any aspect of the mdsa (mother daughter sexual abuse) you like with me.  I view being triggered as a mostly positive thing as if/when it does happen,  I see it as a reminder of points I need to work on or where I am not fully healed (though i am not sure such a thing is always possible).  That being said, I do not enjoy feeling triggered but I will not shy away from it either.

The examples you gave are both familiar and, I think, somewhat common for those who have had this type of abuse.  I am not saying that to minimize, but to let you know there are others out there talking about it and who have experienced the same, including me.  It is such an abuse (that word seems too gentle here) of trust and exploitation of our vulnerability and dependence as children.  The fact that the very person who gave you life and who is supposed to protect you is anything but safe and caring is outrageous to me.  To then turn things around and make you feel "dirty, worthless and powerless" is, I think, evil.  That is not a word I use lightly either.  It hurts to know you had to endure that and it hurts even more to know you are feeling shame.  It is not yours and never should have been put on you. 

I am not getting professional help at the moment but I have in the past.  I had reached a point where I saw no point in going to an office only to sit there saying "Yes, I get it.  It was bad, but what do I do now?"  I left to work on it on my own as I got out in the world to learn how to live.  I have recently run into a couple things that let me know I am getting to a new point that may be a bit over my head so I am proceeding with caution and will seek help if needed.  How about you?  There is an online resource for mother daughter sexual abuse that I can pass along to you here if you are interested.  There is a member only board and there is a $5.00 monthly fee, but I can vouch that it is a legitimate place (or at least when I was posting there several years ago).  It sounds like you are pretty raw right now so I would suggest not poking around too much on your own at least for a while.  This site is a wonderful place to get support, validation and understanding as well.

I don't think I'm ready to accept that I was powerless and that the abuser is responsible for what happened.

<wry smile>  I hear you.  Boy do I hear you.  Believing I was the cause or at least held responsibility for my part is what has helped me not feel like such a victim... .but in the end I have only victimized myself.  There is a recent thread by justnothing on this very thing.  That thread and some conversations with others on this board and via messages here have sort of pushed me into a new awareness and closer to shedding the shame I feel.  It is a bit of 'awww crap, I have to do this aGain?" and "gosh I am tired right now" combined with some excitement that I feel about this whole thing. 

Again, feel free to ask/share whatever you feel comfortable asking and sharing.  I am willing to walk beside you as you move along.  I don't necessarily have any answers or a how-to list, but I can be a cheerleader for ya!  I wish you the very best as you keep on this incredible, difficult, and wonderful journey! 

[polly87]

Wow that is sure a new idea to me, triggers as positive reminders of the stuff you have to work on... .  Thanks for sharing this and thanks for your kind words. May I ask what happens to you when you are triggered? What kind of things tend to trigger you? Do you ever feel that you aren't moving forward despite these reminders?

I myself have been struggling with triggers the past year or so. (It has gotten worse since I can't seem to find a job, which is partly caused by moving away from my home town because of uBPDm. Being unemployed makes me feel even more worthless.) When I am triggered, I am subconsciously reminded of the words of uBPDm: "look, you're getting too stressed out! You can't handle life! You're good for nothing! It's only because of me that you're still alive". This is what she would literally say to me, sometimes in different wordings. So, when I am triggered, I get even more freaked out because I am freaking out. No-one can reach my heart then. This circle seems impossible to break. I don't know what to do. In most cases - I hope I don't trigger you by telling this - I get mad at myself and I hurt myself, after which my partner tries to comfort me and if even that doesn't help, I have to take my medication and go to sleep.

Thanks for the info about that board; I don't think I'm ready to read much more about the topic at the moment... .This board alone is more than enough for now

What kind of therapy did you use to get? Do you mean to say that your therapist did not offer enough help to cope with your daily life?

Thanks for the cheerleading... .   In a way, I'm also excited about the journey to recovery which I feel has only begun a week ago or so... .

[Harri]

Hi Polly. 

I am going to pass on something a friend explained to me long ago and see if it is helpful for you.  If it is, great, and if it ins't, just leave it.   --->

I am thinking about where you said you have had a hard time with triggers this year and how being triggered 'freaks you out'.  A friend explained to me long ago that after growing up with what I did, it would be more odd and more abnormal for me *not* to have issues. 

When they told me that I clung to that as my lifeline.  It helped me to put things into a workable context without spiraling out of control in that circle you describe.  The thing is, others may be able to give you a bit of a jolt, but you have to get yourself out of that circle.  Acceptance is the key I think.  Accepting that you are feeling triggered and that there are reasons for you to be triggered and it is an entirely normal response to a lifetime of insanity.  Then stay with the trigger and work it though.  Definitely talk with your counselor about this though.  It has helped me immensely but I still struggle with not self-harming (eating) or isolating myself to save all the poor defenseless people from the evil that is me   , etc.  It is only very recently, through posting here, that I have figured out that my binging is a sign that I am *triggered*. Seems crazy that I was aware that eating is a self-harming defense behavior but was unaware that it is something I do as a result of a trigger. 

Will answer your other questions in a different post.  Don't want to lose this

[Harri]

Hi again.  My connection was a bit wonky earlier today and I was on a tablet... .have yet to figure out how to save stuff on the darn thing, never mind that my typing is seriously hampered. 

One thing I wanted to add to what my old friend told me about how having 'issues' is entirely normal given the circumstances is that I recently learned, again through my interactions her on the board, that I had been trying to live as if I could be 'normal and without issues'.  So not only did I have to accept that it was normal for me to have issues so I could stop freaking out about the fact that I had them, it took me a long long time to realize that I could not go through life expecting me to have 'normal' responses just like most people out there who had never experienced abuse.  I hope that made sense.  I can find the thread and the post for you if it does not make sense and yet you want it to!   

You what happens when i am triggered.  Well, it varies but I have flashbacks, usually visual but sometimes auditory and sometimes both at the same time.  I sometimes feel anxiety/have a panic attack where I shake, sweat, my head pounds and I feel like I am going to pass out.  When it is like that, sometimes I vomit.  What usually happens though is that I shut down emotionally.  I look fine on the outside, but inside I have checked out.  I believe it is called mild dissociation.  Sometimes I sort of float above the room watching myself and anyone else.  I mentioned that I eat/binge when i am triggered.

The biggest trigger I have right now is feeling hot breath on my face whether it is my own when the bed covers are too high up, when I am in a close place with no air circulation (I am a big fan of fans!  )  or someone else (this makes kissing a pretty big challenge though i can usually make a joke about it cuz it really is funny in a weird/hysterical way sorta like "sure, we can kiss just don't breath on me!". 

There are some things that I just do not like and I can link them to the abuse but i do not consider them triggers.  I just hate, get very annoyed or frustrated when i have to deal with them but i am able (usually) to do so with a minimum of fuss so i do not consider them a trigger.  They are more of a dislike or a quirk.

I think it was back in august where I started having flashbacks, was binging more than usual, went back to fearing monsters under my bed and had to sleep with the light on.  It took a few months to get over it all and it is only the last week or so where I can turn off all the lights.  The thing is, when I get like that, it means that something is coming up from deep within that needs to be processed and dealt with.  As annoying and as frustrating as that was, I saw it as very positive for me as it meant I was ready to move on and through.

I've mostly done talk therapy with a bit of DBT in it.  I have done quite a bit of work on my own or with supportive (mostly) friends over the years.  Recently i stated at mood gym which is DBT (I believe) based.  It is online and free so you may want to consider it though definitely talk with your T about it.  I did not mean to imply my T was not good (I had a few, some better than others).  My last T was awesome and she is the one who sent me out in the world to learn how to live.  I had to as I had been so isolated and enmeshed that I was paralyzed trying to buy things for my new apartment.  Haha, I could not pick out a dish pattern and decided on clear just to make a choice!  I still have and use those plates and I am glad I chose them.  they go with everything! 

Are there any particular triggers or behaviors you have that you want to talk about?  I feel bad as this is your thread but in answering your questions I have done nothing but talk about me.  it is helping me though and I am hoping it is of some help to you too.  I haven't asked you specific questions only because you are a bit fragile (understandably!) right now and i do not want to bring things up for you but please do keep talking about the things that are important to you.  If asking me questions helps you, I am totally fine with that.  Like I said, it is helping me too.  In the meantime, I can relate to having free time and feeling worthless not having a job.  Try to find easy hobbies or set goals for learning things or do something to help you keep busy.  It is all too easy to get bogged down in the past, get triggered in the present and fear tomorrow.  Be easy on yourself okay?

In a way, I'm also excited about the journey to recovery which I feel has only begun a week ago or so... .

Happy adventuring!   I am glad to see at least part of your journey!

[polly87]

Hi Harri,

Thanks for your elaborate posts . Why yes it is true that it wouldn't be normal if I didn't experience triggers after the stuff I've been through! I seem to have a different standard for myself though and I mentally know that this is unfair. I'm not ready to be that gentle with myself. I wish I could, though.

I do talk with my therapist about the triggers. I feel like this tends to take up too much time and it takes up EMDR time. But then I sometimes doubt if EMDR is the right thing for me because I struggle especially with emotions and not so much with flashbacks. This week's session did seem to reduce the nightmares I'd been having for the last month (I hadn't seen my therapist for about a month because I got the flu and then she was on holiday) but I wonder if that's because of the talk or because of the EMDR. I have a hard time trying to connect with my emotions during therapy sessions and I think that's what keeps me from greater progress.

Thank you for sharing what happens to you during triggers. It's interesting that in my case, the opposite happens... .all the emotions of the past want to come out, especially anger and fear. I don't know what to do with these emotions and from there, things tend to go wrong as I said before. I get dizzy, I want to scream and shout, I want to run away, sometimes my heart pounds, my vision gets blurry, and I become very afraid of these emotions. In some cases I manage to calm down but in most cases things go from bad to worse as I described.

I have flashbacks but they are emotional rather than visual. This makes me doubt if they are flashbacks at all. I sometimes wonder if I suppress the actual memory, which is there under the surface, but then it's not really one moment in time but more like a hundred memories at once, for example about "not being good enough". That is actually my biggest trigger. Shame and guilt. Another big one is powerlessness. I wonder if it would help to have a couple of sessions about this with my therapist. I don't think I've told her clearly enough how these emotions affect me. I think she thinks the trouble is in the flashbacks.

May I ask for how long you've been healing? It sounds as if you've been healing for quite some years. It's a long road isn't it.

I looked up DBT and my first thought was wow why don't I do that! It seems like an effective therapy to 'correct' (I can't think of another word) the behaviours and thoughts that aren't helpful to yourself, the 'fleas' that you've picked up from living with the abuser.

I used to be isolated like you, not being able to make decisions and not seeing anyone. Since I moved to a different town last summer, I can now see friends who live nearby and this really helps me to feel better. I find it difficult to even think about hobbies. Luckily, yesterday I got the green light for a freelance project which will keep me busy for a month or so. I'm very happy about it. I can finally earn some money. We've been having a hard time trying to make ends meet since about a year and a half so this is very welcome.

Love,

polly

[Harri]

Hiya!

I seem to have a different standard for myself though and I mentally know that this is unfair. I'm not ready to be that gentle with myself. I wish I could, though.

Okay, I get that.  I am going to challenge you on this a bit.  You walked away from an abusive situation with your mother and put yourself first (rightly so)  .  You are no contact with the rest of that side of your family because their enabling and encouraging your mother was causing you pain/was also abusive ( ).  You came here and started posting about very hard stuff and have followed through on this post in particular    

**So you already are being "that gentle" with yourself**.  Your feelings will follow your behaviors Polly (I learned that here too!)  Waiting until you feel ready to do something or to allow yourself to believe something that can help you move forward does not work.  If you do not have the energy to embrace this  right now that is okay too.  But when you do have the energy, remember you don't have to actually *believe* it to say it to yourself or for it to eventually work.  

When I was in T, I had a hard time even talking sometimes and definitely struggled with the emotions part of it.  I finally had to resort to writing notes or a list of things I wanted to talk about otherwise it was 45 minutes of silence as I shredded tissues.  I don't know if that will help you or not but yeah, I do understand.  It is hard work but you are doing it rather than avoiding.  

... ."not being good enough". That is actually my biggest trigger. Shame and guilt. Another big one is powerlessness. I wonder if it would help to have a couple of sessions about this with my therapist. I don't think I've told her clearly enough how these emotions affect me. I think she thinks the trouble is in the flashbacks.

Definitely tell your T.  It sounds to me like you are very in touch with your feelings and you know what needs to be addressed first.  You have described your challenges here very clearly.  Maybe writing things down will help you focus in the T's office?

May I ask for how long you've been healing?

Well, I moved out of the family home when I was 37 or so and I am now 49.  I worked on things off and on since then.  I had gone for counseling prior to my move for maybe 2 years a long time ago, but it was not for the sexual abuse or BPDmother/?father issues.  It does take time.  I tried to speed my way through a few things because so much of my life was 'wasted'.  For some things the speed style worked and for others... .not so much.  I am hitting some walls now that I think I 'should have' overcome already, but whatever.  I can do this.  I just don't *want* to  but I will.  

Polly, as always, take whatever works for you and leave the rest.  No pressure from me, even if I do get wordy and may sound bossy.  You know yourself and your needs best.  I am glad you checked out DBT.  It can be very very helpful.  I am also very happy that you were able to move to a new town!  That is exciting and so very good as you move along in your healing.  Never doubt your capabilities Polly.  You survived an awful childhood and came out a decent person with a few 'issues'   and that is pretty impressive on it's own.  On top of that you are working hard to find better ways of thinking and living and that takes a whole boatload of courage.  Carry on my friend.     Oh yeah, congrats on the work project!  That is wonderful!

[Ziggiddy]

 Your feelings will follow your behaviors Polly (I learned that here too!)  Waiting until you feel ready to do something or to allow yourself to believe something that can help you move forward does not work.  If you do not have the energy to embrace this  right now that is okay too.  But when you do have the energy, remember you don't have to actually *believe* it to say it to yourself or for it to eventually work.  

^This. I love this. I am going to have to write this on my chart!

[Harri]

Argggh!  I just realized that I made it sound like I have been in therapy and/or working on healing for 12 years straight through.  Sorry.  All told, I would say i have had a good three to four years total of therapy.  I know a few other people who have experienced abuse like we did including the incest who were able to function and have healthy relationships (with kids even!) after about 3 years.  :)o not underestimate how helpful sites like this one can be.  Please do not use my longer time and need for continued work as an indication for how long it will take you.  There were other variables that slowed me down or diverted my therapy.

Okay, I swear I am done talking... .for now!  

[polly87]

 Your feelings will follow your behaviors Polly (I learned that here too!)  Waiting until you feel ready to do something or to allow yourself to believe something that can help you move forward does not work.  If you do not have the energy to embrace this  right now that is okay too.  But when you do have the energy, remember you don't have to actually *believe* it to say it to yourself or for it to eventually work.  

^This. I love this. I am going to have to write this on my chart!

Yeah, wow!  That's really something I'll try to remind myself of! Thanks so much Harri.

I didn't mean that your recovery time would necessarily be as long as mine... .I just wondered about your journey and when it started and how it has been for you. It sounds as if you had a hard time talking about the abuse itself... .I hope you did manage to talk about it as much as you needed in the final years of your therapy.

I'll write down the stuff about triggers to discuss with my therapist. She told me the EMDR will help me to manage my feelings, but I'm not so sure because, as I said before, I'm not sure if I actually have the classical PTSD flashbacks.

I know what you mean by not wanting to overcome the abuse stuff, but still trying to go for it. Sometimes I feel that I just want to hide and forget everything but unfortunately we can't... .we've been through hell and now we have to deal with the memories and the 'fleas'.

What sort of walls are you hitting at the moment? If you don't want to tell, just don't, I'm only curious where you are in your journey.

This site and in particular the threads I've been contributing to have been a great help to me. I feel I'm finally on the right track.

Thanks again for your kind words and encouragement. 

[Harri]

You are most welcome Polly.  I am glad it made sense to you (and you too Ziggiddy!) but it is not really mine.  It is something I picked up from someone here.  The best things about these boards is how we can all learn from each other.   There are so many people who get this stuff and have worked it through and are willing to share.  

Thank you.  I have been able to talk about the abuse as I need to in therapy and I consider myself fortunate in that.  Outside of T I don't often talk about it though.  I don't think most people need to know about it.  I will talk about it with those who I believe can either benefit from it or those I want to know because of the nature of our relationship and they have been quite supportive for the most part.  Writing that made me realize I still do not feel comfortable sharing it.     LOL  I think it is the whole 'drama' that surrounds it that makes me hesitate sometimes.  I don't want people to treat me differently or expect them to coddle me and I am a bit afraid they will.  

I did a very few sessions with EMDR (don't remember much about it though) but I did not trust the process for whatever reason.  Polly, if you think you would rather not do EMDR or would benefit from something else, tell your T.  If she does not listen to you, then that tells you a lot about her.  I also read a post you made elsewhere about guilt.  Like just nothing and Ziggiddy, it sounds very off to me.  

About your flashbacks.  Emotional flashbacks are sort of the hallmark of complexPTSD (c-PTSD) so yours do fit the criteria.  I do get them, but when it happens, I shut down very quickly sometimes before I am even aware of having the emotions.  I find it very frustrating because it makes it very difficult for me to work things through I suppose what you experience is not easier.  heh, too bad we could not combine our reactions to get a more workable level of emotions that can be worked through!  

One of the walls I am/was hitting is shame/guilt/blame (it is all jumbled together into a big mess).  I've been holding on to a lot of it and only recently had a few interactions here that are helping me to break through but I am still all foggy and confuzzled about it.  I really should start a thread on it soon before I block things out and get all comfy in my shame/guilt/blame cycle.  LOL I talked with a friend about it and made little sense so I think it is going to be a long chatty one when I do it.

I know what you mean by not wanting to overcome the abuse stuff, but still trying to go for it. Sometimes I feel that I just want to hide and forget everything but unfortunately we can't... .we've been through hell and now we have to deal with the memories and the 'fleas'.

Yes, we do have to deal with it all.  Thanks for that.  

PS Zig... .you have a board?  What kind of board?  Can you describe it?  I need some way of writing this stuff down as I have a tendency of forgetting lessons learned and then have to do them all over again.  

[Ziggiddy]

Hahaha yes a board! I often refer to this terrible movie from the 80's called Dream Team - about a group of escaped mental hospital patients. One of them, played by Christopher Lloyd always pretends he is a doctor and every time someone does something he gives them a stern look and says "I'm going to have to WRITE. THAT. DOWN."

So I pretend to have a clipboard ... .. It makes me laugh anyhow 

But seriously there really are so many gems of information worth keeping that I just open a document, call it something innocuous like "If you don't read this you'll blow a hole in the space time continuum" and then every little nugget gets copied and pasted into it. Then when it's big enough, I print it and start another.

I often take whatever I've printed - eg from webpages, articles books pdfs etc down to the school bus stop and read it while I wait for the kids to come home. it helps settle the info in my mind.

Now as far as you hitting a wall with the shame difficulty, remember that it takes time to nravel it. You are making new neurons and forging new pathways into your brain.

Changing an entire belief system doesn't happen in a heartbeat.

If you think about your times tables how did you learn them? By repetition. Insight and psychoeducation create new avenues but it is repetition and finding things that corroborate  your new beliefs that thicken the neural networks.

You could think of it like this - you drive to work the same way every day. Then you change jobs but find yourself driving the way to your old job.

Memory and beliefs are quite resistant to change and only respond to repeated overlaid memories and beliefs.

It is unfortunate that so many memories and beliefs that are mixed in with BPD/NPD are emotionally charged. Shame is incredibly resistant to change. Perhaps the hardest thing of all to address.

(Many many addiction specialists will testify to this)

You may try some exercises to contact your outrage which will do a great deal to obliterate your false conditioned sense of shame.

One I heard of recently is this: you write a letter to your abuser (in your case, your mother) outlining what she did to you (this can be as vague or specific as you like) Now the intent is not to send the letter but rather to direct your mind to the abuse. In this you let out as much outrage as possible - using words like "How DARE you?" and "What gives you the right?" etc.

Then you write a letter to the passive parent who did not save you or rescue you.

next, you write a letter to the damaged child from your adult self expressing whatever you feel you need to say to her.

Then you write a fairy tale about what was or what could have been, casting yourself as the princess/star whatever. This story you write in the third person referring to yourself as 'she.' You refer to monsters and dragons and call the incest the Black Plague or the thunderstorm etc It's all metaphor.

This helps put some distance between you and your emotions and get a more external perspective.

There's more stuff like this. I guess it's important to take it slow and be caring to yourself.

Annnnddd just realised I have post-hijacked again. Sorry polly!

[polly87]

Haha Ziggiddy I don't mind your post-hijacking, feel free to speak your mind while you're here! 

Thanks for reminding me that it takes time to change the way I think and feel about what has happened... .That exercise is interesting, I think I'll try that out while I'm still not able to do the exercise of writing everything down about the abuse. I like the distance that the letter writing creates between me and what has happened, as if it were fiction... .I think the only way to deal with it for now is to see it as if it happened in a horror movie or a book.

With so many suggestions for exercises and therapies and other stuff to check out I'm going to have to make a 'board' as well!  I'll take it slow though because I feel vulnerable and my energy is low now.

Harri, it doesn't really matter to me who thought up that "feelings follow behaviours", the main thing is that I know about it now and I find it a real gem.

Wow, I didn't know that cPTSD was about emotional flashbacks... .I read some basic information about it and though I'm of course no psychologist, the symptoms seem to match the way I feel. This is another thing on the list of stuff to discuss with my T. Thanks a lot for pointing out the difference between PTSD and cPTSD 'cause I wasn't aware of this. It makes me wonder why my T never talked about the possibility of a cPTSD diagnosis... .I don't mean to talk about my T too much and I'm sorry if I do. It's my mother and my memories of her that are the actual problems of course.

I would sure like to combine our reactions to flashbacks - that'd be good for both of us! Do you know why you shut down though? Does it have to do with not feeling safe enough to experience these emotions? I tend to shut down when I'm on my own or with people I don't trust (which feels very similar if you know what I mean  ). Only when I'm with my partner, I feel safe enough to allow the emotions to surface, but I can't regulate them (and neither can he, of course). I guess it's very difficult as well to experience the other extreme... .I hope you'll be able to overcome this so that you can make another step in your recovery process.

Love,

polly

[Kwamina]

Hi again polly87

You've gotten some great responses here

Do you know why you shut down though? Does it have to do with not feeling safe enough to experience these emotions? I tend to shut down when I'm on my own or with people I don't trust (which feels very similar if you know what I mean  ). Only when I'm with my partner, I feel safe enough to allow the emotions to surface, but I can't regulate them (and neither can he, of course).

I can't asnwer this for Harri of course, but in general what I can say is that it's nearly impossible to heal if you don't feel safe. Keeping that in mind, it makes perfects sense that you would only allow the emotions to surface when you're feeling safe like you do with your partner.

Feeling like you're shutting down is actually probably quite common when you're trying to process these intense emotions and memories. You've been through a lot and that (unfortunately) often will also mean that it will take a lot to work through certain issues. It might help to observe yourself and your own thoughts when you feel like you're 'shutting down'. Some questions to ask yourself that might help:

• What goes through your mind when this happens? What kind of thoughts are going through your head right before you feel like you're starting to shut down? Can you pinpoint and describe these thought?



• What are you telling yourself when this happens?



• Are you judging yourself for what you feel is 'shutting down'?



• Would you say that you are deliberately shutting down because you don't want to explore certain things now or more like you are getting overwhelmed by your intense emotions? Either way it's ok, healing takes time as well as commitment and also practice.

I sometimes wonder if I suppress the actual memory, which is there under the surface, but then it's not really one moment in time but more like a hundred memories at once, for example about "not being good enough". That is actually my biggest trigger. Shame and guilt. Another big one is powerlessness. I wonder if it would help to have a couple of sessions about this with my therapist. I don't think I've told her clearly enough how these emotions affect me. I think she thinks the trouble is in the flashbacks.

I find this part of your post very interesting in which you mention the issue of 'shame and guilt'. This is something many children of BPD parents struggle with. Thoughts such as "not being good enough" are what you can call automatic negative thoughts. They automatically pop up in your head and can have a huge impact on how you feel. Do you experience more of these kind of automatic negative thoughts? And when do you experience them, only when you're doing this deep emotional work or also during the rest of the day?

PS.

But seriously there really are so many gems of information worth keeping that I just open a document, call it something innocuous like "If you don't read this you'll blow a hole in the space time continuum" and then every little nugget gets copied and pasted into it. Then when it's big enough, I print it and start another.

Recent scientific research has actually shown that a high concentration of BPD energy has the potential to greatly disrupt the natural flow of time. When these phenomena occur it's crucial to take a step back and mindfully examine your surroundings

[Ziggiddy]

But seriously there really are so many gems of information worth keeping that I just open a document, call it something innocuous like "If you don't read this you'll blow a hole in the space time continuum"

Recent scientific research has actually shown that a high concentration of BPD energy has the potential to greatly disrupt the natural flow of time. When these phenomena occur it's crucial to take a step back and mindfully examine your surroundings

I KNEW it! <Looks suspiciously at Chesterfield sofa bobbing weightlessly in nearby field>

[Ziggiddy]

But seriously folks ... .

Emotional flashbacks are incredibly debilitating and that is why it's so easy to fear them.

It has been a huge relief to me to identify what they are and to know that they can actually be great opportunities for healing and growth.

Me I never knew that being shot through with adrenaline and face all flushed with heat and shrinking up inside were not usual feelings for others nor were they related entirely to what is going on in the present.

Accessing the view of the inner child helped me no end.

Also to understand that the shutting down was an integral part of protection and safety stopped me feeling bad about that. Shutting down as your own brain's attempt to preserve you, to save you, to ensure your own survival - what a thing!

it is important, I think to learn to embrace your survival mechanisms rather than fear them or be ashamed of them. In a very real sense, at one time or another they were the only real 'friend' you had.

[polly87]

You've gotten some great responses here

Yeah I did! Thanks so much everyone   you've helped me so much in my journey to recovery.

in general what I can say is that it's nearly impossible to heal if you don't feel safe. Keeping that in mind, it makes perfects sense that you would only allow the emotions to surface when you're feeling safe like you do with your partner.

Feeling like you're shutting down is actually probably quite common when you're trying to process these intense emotions and memories. You've been through a lot and that (unfortunately) often will also mean that it will take a lot to work through certain issues. It might help to observe yourself and your own thoughts when you feel like you're 'shutting down'. Some questions to ask yourself that might help:

• What goes through your mind when this happens? What kind of thoughts are going through your head right before you feel like you're starting to shut down? Can you pinpoint and describe these thought?



• What are you telling yourself when this happens?



• Are you judging yourself for what you feel is 'shutting down'?



• Would you say that you are deliberately shutting down because you don't want to explore certain things now or more like you are getting overwhelmed by your intense emotions? Either way it's ok, healing takes time as well as commitment and also practice.

Yes, I'd say that I shut down deliberately because I don't feel I'm able to cope with the emotions and/or the memories. Now that I'm considering this, I realise that I spend a rather big part of my daily life suppressing the emotions and memories that are trying to surface in my mind. This becomes harder when I'm tired or stressed and now I realise that I tend to get triggered more easily when I'm tired because my energy is taken up by this suppressing.

I was touched when you said that it makes sense if I'd only allow the emotions to surface when I'm feeling safe with my partner. I've been feeling so guilty (no surprise there   ) because I can only get triggered when I'm alone with him. I've been trying to explain this to him by telling him I don't feel that safe with anyone else in the world and yet I feel like I'm using him for my healing. I can't seem to help it. Sometimes an emotion wants to surface, for example when I was at yoga class this morning, and I nearly break down and cry but then I think of my classmates and I don't want to lose face. As a kid, I was told I should only feel happy   , which is as strange as it sounds. I blame myself when I'm sad, stressed, or anything else other than happy. In fact, sometimes when I'm happy I'm afraid to feel it.

I used to keep a journal as a way of keeping in touch with myself but ever since the big fights with uBPDm, I've reclined from writing because I feel ashamed of myself for myself, if that makes sense. I guess I have to make peace with the fact that all this stuff has happened to me. I have yet to find a way of doing so.

Anyhow, to answer your questions (which I'm glad you asked): when I shut down, I'm thinking that I shouldn't think of the memory or I shoudn't feel the emotion. I'm disgusted by what has happened to me. I don't want to deal with it when I'm alone. I'm scared of what might happen (self-harm because of the guilt and shame, a black-out, or one of those terrible flashbacks in which I only remember a great deal of pain and the fear of dying). In fact none of these things has ever happened when I'm on my own. However I tell myself that they might happen and therefore I need to shut down. I don't judge myself then: I don't feel anything anymore for the time being.

I sometimes wonder if I suppress the actual memory, which is there under the surface, but then it's not really one moment in time but more like a hundred memories at once, for example about "not being good enough". That is actually my biggest trigger. Shame and guilt. Another big one is powerlessness. I wonder if it would help to have a couple of sessions about this with my therapist. I don't think I've told her clearly enough how these emotions affect me. I think she thinks the trouble is in the flashbacks.

I find this part of your post very interesting in which you mention the issue of 'shame and guilt'. This is something many children of BPD parents struggle with. Thoughts such as "not being good enough" are what you can call automatic negative thoughts. They automatically pop up in your head and can have a huge impact on how you feel. Do you experience more of these kind of automatic negative thoughts? And when do you experience them, only when you're doing this deep emotional work or also during the rest of the day?

Oh yes, automatic negative thoughts. They're my close friends, you know.   I mentally know I should kick them out, but they offer me security. The security that the things I learned about the world as a kid were correct. I'm not ready to pick up a new view of the world, at least not entirely yet. I'm so afraid to love myself. I don't know what will happen if I do.

The weekend before Christmas ('14) was the only time I did. The holiday had just started and I was relaxing and chatting with my partner. For a moment, I was convinced that I was a good person and I had done nothing wrong. Within minutes, this led to the scariest flashback of the moment I was raped. I didn't even know I still had access to this memory in my mind. The memory consisted of extreme pain and the fear to die. My partner said I was tuned out of reality for half an hour. It took the longest time to stop me crying and screaming.

I think it's relevant that this memory is linked to the feeling of being a good person. At the moment I was raped, I lost that conviction. I started to believe I was and am not evil but not inherently good either.

The automatic negative thoughts come to me at all times of the day, but especially when there is the possibility of my not being good enough in some way. For example when I'm cooking dinner or when I find out I forgot to pay a bill.

Emotional flashbacks are incredibly debilitating and that is why it's so easy to fear them.

It has been a huge relief to me to identify what they are and to know that they can actually be great opportunities for healing and growth.

it is important, I think to learn to embrace your survival mechanisms rather than fear them or be ashamed of them. In a very real sense, at one time or another they were the only real 'friend' you had.

Thanks for pointing this out Ziggiddy... .I tend to forget that the flashbacks provide me with the information I need to heal... .They sure like to repeat their message 

I'll make a note of this to remind myself that I don't need to feel afraid or ashamed of the flashbacks since they're a survival mechanism and indeed I needed them.

[Kwamina]

Sometimes an emotion wants to surface, for example when I was at yoga class this morning, and I nearly break down and cry but then I think of my classmates and I don't want to lose face.

It might help to ask yourself what it would be like if this would happen to someone else. What if one of your classmates would break down and cry? How would that make you feel? How would you think about that person? Would you consider him/her to be losing face? Would you feel like that person shouldn't be crying but should always be happy? Should that person always be happy even if he or she had been abused?

I used to keep a journal as a way of keeping in touch with myself but ever since the big fights with uBPDm, I've reclined from writing because I feel ashamed of myself for myself, if that makes sense. I guess I have to make peace with the fact that all this stuff has happened to me. I have yet to find a way of doing so.

It makes sense and it is what it is. Perhaps it would help for you to just try and accept the way you're feeling right now including any shame or other negative emotions. It would definitely be more pleasant not to experience these emotions, but that doesn't make them go away. Why do you think that you feel ashamed of yourself for yourself? Is it the negative inner voice talking inside of you bringing you down?

Anyhow, to answer your questions (which I'm glad you asked): when I shut down, I'm thinking that I shouldn't think of the memory or I shoudn't feel the emotion. I'm disgusted by what has happened to me. I don't want to deal with it when I'm alone. I'm scared of what might happen (self-harm because of the guilt and shame, a black-out, or one of those terrible flashbacks in which I only remember a great deal of pain and the fear of dying). In fact none of these things has ever happened when I'm on my own. However I tell myself that they might happen and therefore I need to shut down. I don't judge myself then: I don't feel anything anymore for the time being.

We could also flip this around of course  Considering what you've been through, I think a very strong case could also be made for you feeling exactly the way you do and that it's only normal to feel this way.

When you say you're disgusted by what has happened to you, do you just feel your mother's behavior was disgusting? Or also like those experiences have made you yourself 'disgusting' in some way?

The weekend before Christmas ('14) was the only time I did. The holiday had just started and I was relaxing and chatting with my partner. For a moment, I was convinced that I was a good person and I had done nothing wrong. Within minutes, this led to the scariest flashback of the moment I was raped. I didn't even know I still had access to this memory in my mind. The memory consisted of extreme pain and the fear to die. My partner said I was tuned out of reality for half an hour. It took the longest time to stop me crying and screaming.

I think it's relevant that this memory is linked to the feeling of being a good person. At the moment I was raped, I lost that conviction. I started to believe I was and am not evil but not inherently good either.

Being raped is a horrible thing to have happen to you and I'm very sorry this has been done to you. Have you discussed this recent episode and the rape with a therapist either now or in the past? Rape is a traumatic experience for all people who've been through this and I believe the help of a therapist might be greatly beneficial to you as you try to deal with these difficult memories. Yet I also know from your previous posts that you had some concerns about your current therapist. How do you feel about your therapist now? have you addressed your concerns with him/her?

[Harri]

Hi Polly!  I want to thank you for starting this post!  As I have been responding here and reading posts from everyone, it has helped me to focus (sort of!) on things I have been wanting to work out for myself.   Reading responses here is giving me some direction!  I may be doing some copy and pasting of some of the responses here to work on my own stuff as i do not want to make this thread all about me... .kinda like I just did!  Just trying to explain and say thanks!

You asked why I shut down and it is for a few reasons though they are either outdated given the circumstances of my life right now or have just become habit for me.  For the longest time, it really wasn't safe for me to feel the emotions as I was still living with my parents.  Not only was the abuse ongoing, though the frequency of the sexual abuse did decrease a bit, but I had zero privacy.  My things were searched, including my car, so there was no chance to journal or anything like that and files on the computer were not safe either.  My mother would sneak into my room and try to surprise me at the computer and stuff like that.  The only time away I had was school and then with work.  Those served as my ticket out or were my only refuge so I did not want to screw those up by breaking down.  Then there was the fact that I did not have the skills to help myself through it and I did not trust myself to be able to handle things in such a way that I did not break or would not be able to function at work (especially after I moved and had to support myself).  So lack of internal resources (? correct word here) and no self-trust.  I am very glad to say that none of those apply any more (thanks to this thread I was able to break that down!) and I realize a lot of my shutting down is just habit at this point.  There may be one or more reasons more, but I am not aware of what they are yet so I am not going to worry about them.  The good news is, I did not shut down yesterday or today!  I was struck by the realization that I no longer want to shut down either which makes me very happy.  (and here I go again making this all about me... .apologies)

I do not want to add too much to what you are already working on (Kwamina and Ziggiddy have given very helpful responses here).  I think you are doing a fabulous job BTW and your courage and determination is helping to fuel mine.  Maybe though you can have a mental ToDo list and at the very top of the list start adding things you can do to build trust in yourself to know you truly can handle the emotions and work them through in healthy ways?  I don't really have any specific suggestions for you but maybe that is something we can talk about here or in another thread? 

I will tell you that I already know you and I are more than capable of working through the emotions and dealing with them in a healthy way.  Ziggiddy said to embrace the survival mechanisms we came up with right?  Well, if we could come up with such awesome, effective and stubbornly long-lasting ( ) survival mechanisms, imagine what we can do now that we are aware, in a safe place and have more support than ever before!    I keep telling myself I already got through the hard part, I can do this.  And look at where you are today compared to even two weeks ago?  Pretty amazing right? 

[polly87]

Thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement Harri and Kwamina. I had a hard evening/night yesterday with another failed attempt at not feeling guilty which unfortunately ended with self-harm and my partner being sort of angry with me so I really needed your responses. I just wanted to say thanks before starting my day. I'll reply in more detail later on today.

[Kwamina]

I had a hard evening/night yesterday with another failed attempt at not feeling guilty which unfortunately ended with self-harm and my partner being sort of angry with me so I really needed your responses.

I'm sorry to hear you had such a tough night yesterday. I hope you're feeling better now... .

[polly87]

Thank you Kwamina, I’m feeling better than I was yesterday at least.

I’m going to answer your and Harri’s post in detail so be prepared for a long read . I hope you don’t find it triggering (I don’t describe any details of abuse but some parts are about how I feel and I don’t feel ok today.)

What if one of your classmates would break down and cry? How would that make you feel? How would you think about that person? Would you consider him/her to be losing face? Would you feel like that person shouldn't be crying but should always be happy? Should that person always be happy even if he or she had been abused?

I have double standards. I wouldn’t judge my yoga classmates if they had to cry. In fact, one of them did and she talked to our teacher after class. I had to cry once or twice and I couldn’t stop crying, even when the next people started to drop in for the next class. I don’t want to feel so ashamed again.

If someone else had to cry, though, I wouldn’t feel like they shouldn’t cry. I don’t know about other people’s sense of happiness… I tend to think that other people are able to manage their feelings like a trained dog that listens to their command. I don’t think anything about other people’s sadness except that I feel sorry for them.

I know what you’re going to say….and nope I’m not ready to feel really sorry for myself. When I do, I get so sad and afraid.

Why do you think that you feel ashamed of yourself for yourself? Is it the negative inner voice talking inside of you bringing you down?

I’m ashamed of myself because I’m not ready to accept that I did nothing wrong as a kid and, following from that, that I’m not a bad person. This shift in worldview is too much for me right now.

Yesterday, for the second time in my life, I had a fleeting moment of actually feeling that things weren’t my fault and that I wasn’t such a bad person. This led to a fit of emotions (fear and sadness) and eventually, I felt guilty that I had taken up so much time and energy of my partner. This guilt propelled me back into believing that I was and am bad. He didn’t understand that my view of myself was (and is atm) shifting back and forth, like a car that doesn’t start properly and then the motor dies again for a moment. Man, I feel like I don’t even have started driving lessons and I’m blamed for not having reached my destination, if that makes sense. However, I don’t want to speak bad of my partner in any way because he’s been so good to me all the time. Yesterday was the first time I’ve seen him actually angry with me. I fear it’s becoming too much for him. What with the fleas I picked up when I still lived with uBPDm, I have an irrational fear of being abandoned emotionally and if I feel this way I tend to want to leave to prevent being the one that’s left. I realise this is mean and immature. So what happens then is that I threaten to leave and go to my dad or something and then I hope with all my might that he says something like no of course you don’t have to go, I still love you.

Writing this down makes me feel sick with loathing of myself. I wish I could go back in time and undo everything that has been done to me but hey of course I can’t. I have to deal with the freaking stuff even if this means putting stain after stain on what used to be a loving relationship. I feel like a bag of sh!t.

When you say you're disgusted by what has happened to you, do you just feel your mother's behavior was disgusting? Or also like those experiences have made you yourself 'disgusting' in some way?

Yes, I am disgusted by what my mother has done to me. And yes, I am disgusted by myself. I feel worthless, like an object that has been used and torn. I feel stained, tainted, dirty, low, and not to be respected. I feel like I’m a burden to those who know what I’ve been through. I’m freaking afraid I will turn out to be not worthy of my partner like I’ve always feared.

Being raped is a horrible thing to have happen to you and I'm very sorry this has been done to you. Have you discussed this recent episode and the rape with a therapist either now or in the past? Rape is a traumatic experience for all people who've been through this and I believe the help of a therapist might be greatly beneficial to you as you try to deal with these difficult memories. Yet I also know from your previous posts that you had some concerns about your current therapist. How do you feel about your therapist now? have you addressed your concerns with him/her?

I think I didn’t make myself clear enough... I was talking about when uBPDm raped me as a kid (using an object).  (Incidentally, I was assaulted by a stranger a couple of years ago, but that's another story.)

In today’s therapy session there wasn’t any time to discuss my concerns about the course of therapy. It went rather okayish though. Because I was so raw from yesterday’s trouble, I could access my emotions quite easily. This won’t be the case every time though (at least I hope it won’t!) so I guess I’ll still have to discuss with my T whether it’ll be helpful to address the emotional rather than the visual flashbacks… Or maybe I’ll just see what happens when the visual flashbacks are treated in EMDR. I’m not quite sure atm…

Hi Polly!  I want to thank you for starting this post!  As I have been responding here and reading posts from everyone, it has helped me to focus (sort of!) on things I have been wanting to work out for myself.   Reading responses here is giving me some direction!  I may be doing some copy and pasting of some of the responses here to work on my own stuff as i do not want to make this thread all about me... .kinda like I just did!  Just trying to explain and say thanks!

You’re welcome Harri! I’m very glad I’ve been able to help you. Your posts have also been very helpful to me, so thanks to you too!

You asked why I shut down and it is for a few reasons though they are either outdated given the circumstances of my life right now or have just become habit for me.  For the longest time, it really wasn't safe for me to feel the emotions as I was still living with my parents.  Not only was the abuse ongoing, though the frequency of the sexual abuse did decrease a bit, but I had zero privacy.  

I’m so sorry that you were abused for such a long time. Abuse is in itself terrible, but reading it went on for so long makes me feel so sad for you. I totally understand what you meant in another post when you talked about lost years. I sincerely hope you feel better now.

I know what you mean by zero privacy. When I was made to go on holiday with my mother, for example, I was forced to sleep with her in one bed. I’m pretty sure she read my diary too. About two years ago, she hacked my email account and read all my mail.

Then there was the fact that I did not have the skills to help myself through it and I did not trust myself to be able to handle things in such a way that I did not break or would not be able to function at work (especially after I moved and had to support myself).  So lack of internal resources (? correct word here) and no self-trust.  I am very glad to say that none of those apply any more (thanks to this thread I was able to break that down!) and I realize a lot of my shutting down is just habit at this point.  There may be one or more reasons more, but I am not aware of what they are yet so I am not going to worry about them.  The good news is, I did not shut down yesterday or today!  I was struck by the realization that I no longer want to shut down either which makes me very happy.  (and here I go again making this all about me... .apologies)

Congrats on not shutting down!   I’m happy for you. And I’m impressed by the fact that you managed to build self-trust and internal resources. I can't say I'm that far myself but I keep trying... .

Please don’t apologise for sharing stuff about yourself! I’m interested in your journey. Keep sharing as much as you like.

I think you are doing a fabulous job BTW and your courage and determination is helping to fuel mine.  Maybe though you can have a mental ToDo list and at the very top of the list start adding things you can do to build trust in yourself to know you truly can handle the emotions and work them through in healthy ways?  I don't really have any specific suggestions for you but maybe that is something we can talk about here or in another thread?

 

Wow, I never heard such kind words about my progress. Thank you ma'am . Yes I think it’s a good idea to open a thread on handling emotions in a healthy way. This issue is in the top three of the things I have to learn if not number one.

I will tell you that I already know you and I are more than capable of working through the emotions and dealing with them in a healthy way.  Ziggiddy said to embrace the survival mechanisms we came up with right?  Well, if we could come up with such awesome, effective and stubbornly long-lasting ( ) survival mechanisms, imagine what we can do now that we are aware, in a safe place and have more support than ever before!    I keep telling myself I already got through the hard part, I can do this.  And look at where you are today compared to even two weeks ago?  Pretty amazing right?  

I don’t know what to say….just thanks, thanks so much!