A new twist on them finding a replacement

[rollercoaster24]

Hi everyone, before I start my topic:

Here's a brief history of my long gone relationship with exBP, to save you following the link to another page.

I met BP early 2010 as a friend, he was homeless, jobless (2 years), and the stories I was told about how he ended up that way sounded plausible enough at that time, (even though I still kept my own counsel over this).  Predominantly his brother was copping all the blame for his homelessness,   

At any rate, I offered him a place to crash temporarily whilst he put extra effort into finding employment in his profession, (has a degree in mining).

I myself was working very hard, in a position of responsibility, and had my 2 older teenage children living with me in our rental home, and both BP and I were in our early 40's.

During the early days of BP staying at my home, he seemed to demand a lot of my time, (for a guy who insisted he was only looking for 'friendships' with females).  Like since I was working split shifts, he was always around when I was at home, and would disappear in his car until I arrived back in the evenings, then he would want to sit and talk for ages, asking me lots of questions about my past, relationships, friendships etc. After a month or so, I started to become attracted to him, and decided since he had stated he wasn't interested in relationships, that perhaps we shouldn't see so much of each other, so that my feelings didn't get in the way and muck things up.

Once I announced this, he did a complete turn around, and announced that he had been lying about his feelings towards me, and that he really did want a relationship, and liked me a lot more than he had been letting on. As it was, it had seemed that he had put a lot of effort into making me believe he was this fantastic perfect guy. And ashamedly, I was falling for his guise!

So we tentatively entered into a more intimate relationship, this coincided with him landing 2 job interviews, so I guess we were both feeling positive about things, well I was, that's for sure.

Unfortunately, once he 'had my heart', things started to change pretty quick, and it was a shock, I didn't know what was happening, or who/what I was dealing with. From that point on, I had glimpses into the terror of this man, which began to get more and more frequent as time raced on.

I was subjected to constant verbal abuse, provocations, interrogations, accusations, sleep deprivations, kidnapping type situations, stalking, harrassments, public humiliations, physical abuse, mental emotional and sexual abuse, financial abuse, death threats, attempts on my life, death threats about everyone close to me, attempts to ruin my employment, you name it.

After 2 years of this off and on, interspersed with him being the wonderful man he had convinced me he was at the start, (including constant promises that he knew he needed help and would seek it) he began instigating physical confrontations with other members of my family, (even my children) and I finally had to tell him that he could no longer reside at my home unless he was willing to sit down with my family and resolve his issues with them.

He refused point blank and roared off in his car to his elderly parents, vowing to never see me again.

Less than 2 weeks later he was back on the phone trying to reel me back in, this time saying he knew he needed 'medicating' and would seek that some time in the future. I was lulled into a false sense of security and he said all the right things to take me there once again.

So we began a long distance thing, where I would travel up several times per week to spend time with him and stay overnight, travelling to work in the morning and getting up at 4am to do this.

It all went well for a few months, and then his relationship with his parents started to revert back to dysfunction, he had ideas that they were plotting behind his back, were starving him, etc. This resulted in several physical altercations with his elderly Father and Mother, several temporary restraining orders, and visits from Emergency Mental Health Teams.

Eventually his parents sold up and moved to suitable property for their age, and didn't invite sonBP to stay with them, they had given him plenty of notice (more than 6 months) that they were moving and he had to find alternative arrangements, but BP did nothing about it, and simply slept/lived in his car. He did try to return to my place once again, and was given yet another chance, but within 2 weeks he was back to his usual behaviour and myself and my family couldn't cope with it. So he left.

Last year before his parents moved house, he dumped me, (after assaulting me physically, damaging my property and threatening my life), and did the silent treatment on me for almost 4 months. I was just starting to really feel better, when out of the blue he arrived at my home whilst I was out shopping one day.

Needless to say, I was lulled back into a false sense of security about where he was in life at that point, telling me he had been travelling and putting immense effort into finding employment, and basically had a job lined up to go to.

So once again, I let him back in, and within 2 weeks he was back to his usual behaviour.

By March this year, I had had enough, when he tried to run myself and a member of the public over at my workplace, that was the final straw. I rang the Police, (and of course they did nothing), and I went NC, moving house a month later so he couldn't return to keep pestering me, or stalking me.

My heart is well and truly broken over this man, I know I will never be the same again, the deep love I had felt for him, had been absent for over 20 years, and I had never thought I would feel that way about a man ever again, until I met him.

Over the time since the end in March, he had tried to recycle several times by phone, but I didn't fall into the trap this time, I am boarding with my family, and I know they would never let him in the house or want him anywhere near them after what he did, so that made it easier to stay away from him myself.

Still, I am heartbroken over this guy, and don't feel that the feelings I had for him, will easily be replaced with someone else, no matter how much time goes by. Stupid, but true.

Now and again, BP's Sister-in-law comes to the Shopping Centre I work at, she always tells me the latest news on BP, and she is always nasty about him, as with his behaviour towards his parents etc, there is no love lost amongst his family. Despite all this, his family always invited him to Christmas dinners every year, and other events, but BP never went, and I would have to listen to the raging about them for hours, which eventually turned onto me and my family too.

Just the other day, his Sister-in-law came up behind me at work, seeking me out to tell me the latest news about BP. I had to wonder about her motives for this right from the start, as usually if she sees me there, she wont approach me unless I spot her and say Hi, so her making a point to tell me smelt iffy. Usually she is cynical and nasty about BP, and the news is always the same, he didn't have a job, still living in his car, etc. The time before last, she told me that he had told his parents that he was 'staying with friends' in some suburb 20 minutes drive away, but that it 'wasn't the best environment for him', (coming from him this is amazing!). Since he used to tell people that he was staying 'with friends' when he lived at mine, I have no doubt he had managed to meet and con yet another woman.

Nevertheless, this time the Sister-in-law had good news about BP, I was about to stop her and say that I didn't want to know, but was happy he was doing well, just like every other time she had told me stuff, but she had launched into conversation before I got the chance. She told me that he has been working on a farm stay some 2 hours South from here, for several weeks, and is doing well, earning money again, coming up to pay bills now and again, but didn't visit his parents when he came up.  Then she says, "I think he has met his match (insert my name here)". I said "Hey?", (meaning what are you talking about).

She then says, "She is a Psychiatrist, so she is keeping him in line", and then she says, "I think BP just wanted to get away from everything and everyone". "Well, (insert my name here), have a lovely Xmas to you and your family, bye now".

I say "you too". and sit down feeling hurt and shocked all at the same time. My feeling was, that this Sister-in-law enjoyed telling me that BP had a new girlfriend, and I also knew that BP had passed this on, knowing that she would tell me, enjoying the fact that this would hurt me. From being involved with BP and his family, they all gossip about each other all the time, so I know that her running into me now and again, would be mentioned for sure, and it would find its way back to BP.

How does a guy living in his car, go from having no money, being extremely mentally ill, abusive and dangerous, how does he manage to meet a Psychiatrist and con her into a relationship?

I know I should be happy for him, but I'm not. Yea I'm happy he is working, getting healthier and doing well, but I am not happy he is in another relationship at all, because I know what he is really like, and I shudder to think how he had managed to dupe another woman, infact it makes me angry.

I also have to wonder if it is even true. Like maybe the Psychiatrist owns the Farm stay he is working on, and he is only friends with her, but passed the message on just to hurt me?

Why do I even care anyway? Grrrr, it annoys me that I do, even doing a search later the day I found out, to see if I could find what she looks like, I hate that it does this to me.

What annoys me the most, is that he was soo Narcissistic, that nobody was good enough for him, and I just know that deep down he feels a Psychiatrist is deserving of hanging out with him, since she has had 'an education'.

It probably looks odd that I still love this guy, since it was after all probably a mirage, actually, this is what annoys me the most, is that it was all an act, and I got conned into wasting years of my life and love and heart on someone who wasn't even being real with me.

I also remember him always waxing on lyrically about 'escaping geographically', something he has done his whole life, but I always told him, 'wherever you go, there you are', and he hated that.

Don't get me wrong peoples, I am not going to rush out and try to find another partner, if anything I am shying away from it altogether, it scares me actually, as I feel now I am really damaged goods, and it is a long road to healing from that toxicity with BP. A guy approached me yesterday for a date, and I said Yes, I would go out for dinner with him at some point, but inside? I was shuddering.

What's wrong with me? Why am I still hung up on exBP?. God, I even still fantasise sexually about him, as he got under my skin really well, and I hate that.

Any advice folks?

[patientandclear]

Roller: when you ask how could a guy who is that messed up persuade a psychiatrist to get involved with him ... .Remember how he persuaded you. This is a special skill of his: telling the story that the potential attachment will respond to.

The idea that someone we were devoted to set us aside and chose someone else is so hurtful, and all the more so when you imagine (as we almost all have) that he is making a big effort, changing, committing to this new person. That rarely happens but in our hurt and pain, it seems that the new partner has or is getting something we weren't given.

My ex has been with at least two wonderful women since me. He ruined those relationships and left tremendous damage in his wake. Before it ended each time, though, I was sure he was making all kinds of efforts for them that he wouldn't for me. It just shredded me.

I needed not to know about the next one, if that makes sense. I am now completely fenced off from information about him and his escapades and adventures. I waited to do that till his most recent r/s (that I knew of) ended, so I wouldn't be stuck with this vision of him "making it work" with someone he preferred to me.

The behaviors are cyclical and compulsive. You probably could still be the one if you were willing to put up with his words and actions. You weren't, and he sought out someone who would make him feel good more reliably. At the outset, idealization masks that no one can make someone else feel good all the time. It is still cyclical and compulsive. She isn't getting someone with a different set of skills than the guy you know so well.

I'm so sorry to hear how much you feel this has broken you. I know what you mean. My BPD relationship did a ton of damage too.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi patientandclear

Thanks so much for replying to my post, your words of wisdom were of great help and comfort to my broken heart.

I know what you said is right, and I remember well how charming he was in convincing me how fantastic he was compared to 'most other men', and how badly the world, his family and friends, had treated 'a really good guy like himself', (his words not mine).

When I told my daughter and SonInlaw, (whom I board with) about this news, they both laughed, and said the real truth is probably that he is in a psyche ward, and she is treating him, (the relationship is a fantasy in his mind and just another lie as usual). 

It was very good to let off some steam about the news, and have a laugh, knowing him like we all did, but yes, it still hurts underneath.

When BP first came to stay at mine as a friend, it was my rental, and my daughter and son were boarding with me, my son ended up moving back to his Dads, as he couldn't cope with BP's behaviour at our home, it was embarrassing and humiliating, especially for teenagers, (when public self consciousness is at a high point). My daughter also moved out, with her then boyfriend, but she was back within 5 months, after her boyfriend stole money off her, and treated her very badly. I felt horrible about this, as I felt she had learned how to be treated by a man from her Mother, and it made me realise how much I needed to sit down and have a really good talk with her.

Which I did.

At the very least, I explained to her what to never put up with from any man, (to learn from her Mothers fatal errors) the first instance of abuse should be the last, that goes for lying too. Since her first real mistake, at the tender age of 19, she has never made that error again. Some time later, she met a very nice young man, of whom she has been with for several years and is engaged to, (I call him Soninlaw).

I remember her saying to me in private, at the start, that she thought BP was crazy after she first met him, I said I appreciated her wisdom, and would try to stay alert, but I had been told by BP that he had been a big pot smoker up until the year before, so I put his oddities down to being an ex stoner. I relayed this to my daughter and she agreed but underneath she was always wary of him.

Sadly I ignored her instincts.

This year, in February, my daughter and partner, who had been boarding with me for a few years, (and whom BP hated and was obsessed with at the same time) decided they were moving out after BP returned to my life and home last year. Since my lease was almost up after 5 consecutive years of renewing it, they asked if I wanted to stay or move with them, this time the responsibility would rest on their shoulders and I could have a rest for once.

Initially I said I would stay and renew the lease, but with BP's behaviour reverting back to worse and worse, I decided to leave for good, as I knew I could stay stuck in that horrible cycle forever with him. Him treating me badly, ruining my life, possibly even destroying my job/business, (since he was often trying to humiliate me at my workplace which is at a Shopping Centre as a Commercial Cleaning Business Owner).

So I gave notice, packed up the house and left for good with my family to a new home.

When BP later contacted me by phone out of the blue, he was trying to get info about where my new home was, but I wouldn't budge on that and this enraged him, resulting in a barrage of abuse ending in a slamming down of the phone in my ear.

All the excitement of leaving, packing, cleaning, as well as working every day without a break kept me busy and my mind off BP as much whilst I went NC for the last time.

Our CCTV cameras caught BP going through our rubbish bins again, early one morning before we had moved out, and I believe he was trying to find out where my daughter and partner were moving to, (at that stage he didn't know I was moving also).

I also think (once he realised I had moved out) he followed me home in my car one night, and started to sabotage/damage things at our new house, as well as stalking around and knocking on windows on nights when I was home alone, (family away).  Since this was the behaviour he exhibited when he had temporarily dumped me during our relationship, I have no doubt that he was still up to no good after our final break.

At least until he found new supply to distract him away from me I guess.

Over this past 9 months, I have tried to keep as busy as possible, joining the gym and throwing myself into work, meeting new friends, and trying to forge a new life out of the debris he left me in. It hasn't been easy, and I have had days where I ruminated on him a lot, crying, getting angry, journaling, talking to phone counsellors, reading books about toxic relationships, toxic history, FOO issues etc, and it seemed that just when I was starting to improve, he would contact me again, and I would reverse into destruction mode. Even if I didn't keep the contact up, (his last attempts were in August), it still set me back again, and I really struggle to look after my health and personal needs properly.

What I mean by that, is that I am still overweight, stopped exercising as much, was going good for a while there, but progress is like a curve, steps forward and steps back, just trying not to beat myself up for the times when I reverse things a bit.

Part of my problem has been that I haven't had a day off work now for 15 months, although I am not working 12 hour days or anything, I am still required to be there and complete the work, but recently I have succeeded in finding someone who has a business number of their own, that is experienced, and will be able to provide some relief for me after the Xmas period is over next year.

I am really looking forward to a break, but haven't planned anything of yet.

Worst of all, there are constant reminders of BP at my workplace, mainly because he used to frequent my workplace to come and see me a lot, and even though most his visits were ultimately negative, it is still a painful memory of the times when he apologised and would cuddle me, and be the romantic loving guy I was led to believe he always was.

Another more complex part to triggers is that BP's (brother's friend's wife) works in one of the shops at the Shopping Centre I am based at, and even though I go in there most days to buy my smokes and milk, it is hard. She has seen the pain and destruction BP left me in,

and times when he was acting up at my work/home or elsewhere.

When she first started working there, it coincided with BP returning after 4 months of Silent Treatment last year, I distinctly remember him saying to me that she had started working there, and 'did I feel that the world was closing in on me? '

This really annoyed me somewhat, that he could be so smug about it all.

This lady is also close to the Sister in law that frequents at the Centre too, the one that was always filling me in on all the gossip about BP.

I remember when she first met me at the Centre, (I was with BP) and she said 'finally glad to meet you, have heard soo much about you'. I instantly wondered just what BP had said to her. Of course, she never saw that side of him, but often got told by BP's older brother just how much trouble BP was, to his parents and everyone else in the family.

After we met for the first time, she said to me that she always preferred BP to his older brother, that he was much nicer and more respectable around her.

I thought yea, if only you knew just what he is really like, since he is extra careful to act like a nice laid back guy around you, and even more easy if your drinking alcohol and smoking pot together, kind of puts a rosy tint on everything until the next day.

She soon got to see that what the older brother was telling her about BP was true, and she is always friendly to me, I really like her, but it is still hard as seeing her is like a trigger I cannot escape from in regards to my past with BP.

Well, once again, I have prattled on too long.

Many thanks again for taking the time to read my posts and comment with helpful advice.

Sincerely, Roller

[AwakenedOne]

... .since it was after all probably a mirage... .

Roller, I am sure you are a great person with really wonderful unique qualities of which this guy saw in you something totally real. He wasn't ultimately real though or the deeper "It" wasn't real. The deeper "It" is replaced by a sickness. His disordered mind was destroying your relationship as you sank down in the quicksand with him. I was deep in the quicksand myself. Ultimately these relationships are sort of like a mix between a horror movie and a cartoon as I see it. So look at it like this, the guy was smart to see the great things in you, but on the other hand he is a loon concerning all other things of his warped mind. I know it's hard but don't let the fact that he doesn't care now about you define your self worth. Of course be safe about this guy in the future also. NC and watch your back. I hope you find peace my friend.

[rollercoaster24]

Thanks so much AwakenedOne

Your words of wisdom and kindness helped a great deal.