Does it really matter?

[WhoMe51]

I know it shouldn't really matter, but I can't wrap my mind around something.  I haven't been able to understand something she would do.  I Know about the disorder.  I have read about it after she was diagnosed.  I read every book I could get my hands on and I still couldn't make it work.  The problem I just don't understand is she kept wanting to hurry up and get married.  If things weren't progressing fast enough, she would change the way she would speak about us.  It was no longer us or we, it was I am going to do this or that.  But if I said something like that she would start telling me that I didn't believe in us.  Or I wasn't making plans for a future with her.  It was like my life was supposed to be built around us, while her life was her life.  It's just very confusing for me.  I spent a lot of time and effort working on our relationship.  Going above and beyond the call.  And It's just hard for me to make sense of this crazy time.  I have been out of it for a while.  I guess I'm just still working my way through the fog.  I don't know if any of this will ever make sense. 

[Targeted]

My ex GF Did the exact same thing, she kept saying I just want to be married, I just want to get married and I am going to get married. I think for them in their distorted views Being married means security that they will be loved and never abandoned, it seems as though they've your marriage as a concrete insurance policy, from what I know about my ex she was willing to marry a man that she was not in love with at one point just to be married and when I asked why you would marry somebody that you are not in love with she said I just want to be married and who knows maybe I could have grown to love him.  Also reading about the disorder marriage produces total engulfment which they do not like either and produces the negative attributes of the disorder ultimately leaving them abandoned, it is a lose lose situation,  my ex was married twice in her life and both marriages were only about one year.

And yes of course It was the guys fault

[billypilgrim]

Targeted and WhoMe -

Mine did the same thing in regards to pushing marriage.  I feel we absolutely rushed it (esp now that she left  ).  When I showed my reservations on getting married - it wasn't that I didn't want to marry her, I just didn't want to then - she freaked, said crap like "we weren't on the same page" or "I didn't love her enough."  So I made it to marriage and it doesn't make any more sense to me than it does to you.  I think it just plays into their next happiness fix.  Just one more thing they can look forward to that they can pin all their hopes on that might actually make them happy.  It won't.

The next test, so to speak, was kids.  We were about to start trying  (scary thought  ).  Another big issue that I was a little reserved about - we are 26, we've got plenty of time for kids.  Let's enjoy us for a while, I would say.  Again, not that I didn't want kids, I just didn't want them in the next year (when she first brought this up during our first wedding anniversary).  The first time she mentioned it, I was caught way off guard.  She had never mentioned kids before and when I asked her about the timing, she flipped again.  She thought our relationship wasn't strong, we weren't on the same page, blahdy blahdy blah.  Carbon copy of the marriage conversation, which was a carbon copy of us living together conversation.  And probably hundreds more.  I'll know better to stick to my gut on these issues next time out.  

2 things:  1.) She left.  It sucks in the short term but long term I know this is a get out of jail free card.  With my views on commitment and marriage, I likely would have stuck by her through it all.  And I would have not been happy.  At least now I'm out. 2.)  We didn't have kids.  That would have meant that regardless of whether or not we were together, she would have to be involved in my life in some capacity  .

Look forward to the future, it's a lot brighter than where you've been.  Next time out, you'll know the premature marriage talks (especially their reactions to them) are a big red flag.

[fromheeltoheal]

The problem I just don't understand is she kept wanting to hurry up and get married.

Combination of chasing the fantasy in her head, and moving away from abandonment.  With black and white thinking you are either moving forward or you're not, and if you're not moving forward you're moving backward, which means you're going to abandon her.

If things weren't progressing fast enough, she would change the way she would speak about us.  It was no longer us or we, it was I am going to do this or that.  But if I said something like that she would start telling me that I didn't believe in us.  Or I wasn't making plans for a future with her.  It was like my life was supposed to be built around us, while her life was her life.

 

Borderlines use other people to meet their needs and are need-driven.  It needs to be all her, all the time, mostly because she's in constant pain.  "I am going to do this or that" came out of fear of abandonment; if you're not turning your entire life upside down trying to meet her needs, that meant you were unreliable and were going to leave, so she took matters into her own hands.  Plus, the only way a borderline can be comfortable with the continuous push/pull, fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment is to be in complete control; if you've been relieved of your free will then you can't abandon her and you can't get close enough for her to feel engulfed, she decides how the relationship is going to be.

So there's a turning point.  Once all of this becomes apparent to us, maybe not as clearly as we can now state here because we've educated ourselves, but clear enough when we're in it to know what the rules are, we have a choice to make: accept the conditions or end the relationship.  I never thought her behaviors were anything but ridiculous, but there was a beautiful girl buried under all that crap, and if I could love her enough she'd drop the sht and just show up 'normal'; good plan, but the ridiculous just escalated and I had no choice but to flee, pure self preservation.  The choice some folks make is to accept the terms of the relationship as dictated by someone with a mental illness, adapt to it, and live in it; that's called codependency.  I went there for a while and then bailed.  How far down that rabbit hole did other folks go?

[Raybo48]

Mine was the same way, and I chalk it up to having no impulse control or any rational thought for that matter.  From what I've read and from my own personal experience it is very normal for BPD people to have/want extremely accelerated relationships.  Moving in together extremely soon, engagements, marriage, etc. It's always about them and there isn't any consideration for the other persons feelings about the relationship or if they are ready for the next step.  As soon as there is resistance to their timetable something is wrong with you, or you don't love them enough, etc.  

My ex had been engaged 5 times and married once prior to me meeting her and all that happened before she was 35 years old.  I really wouldn't spend too much time trying to figure it out because it's just part of their disorder.