I could use some validation

[EaglesJuju]

I know we have quite a few threads on here about validation/invalidation.  I did not want to hijack another thread, so I started my own. 

Last night I decided to ask my bf what steps would it take for him to come back here.  I used SET and it backfired on me.  The majority of his responses were, "I am working on myself and putting myself first for the first time in my life."  Throughout his diatribe on "working on himself," he indirectly blamed me for him "putting my needs first before his own." I told him that it is important to work on yourself but, excluding me from certain things hurts my feelings.  Then he told me, "EaglesJuju, feelings are not facts and you are entitled to them."  I told him that I understand that feelings are not facts, but feelings are important too and I feel that you invalidate my feelings.

I sense that his responses were defensive and projection.  I do not understand the connection between working on yourself and excluding me.  All I can think of is  I must have triggered him with my initial question.  I am frustrated that he completely disregarded my feelings.  I am trying to think of how I could have handled this better.


I sure could use some advice or support.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

  It will take some real growth on his part to be ready to offer you validation... .especially with any consistency. He will likely have 'good days' where he is quite self-aware and remorseful about his prior behavior.

Meanwhile... .I find that S.E.T. usually blows up when the "Truth" part is something you are feeling or have decided. It works much better when the "Truth" is imposed by other things, like the laws of physics, or an insurance company that will cancel your policy if you don't pay up.

There are times to state your feelings, and ways to do it. The biggest one is to keep to "I" statements, and avoid any "You" statements as much as possible.

[Ripped Heart]

Hi Eagles,

I'm really sorry to hear about the torment you find find yourself in right now. We all look for validation in one sense or another and it must be really hard on you when you express your feelings, only to be told they don't really matter.

You have every right to feel the way you do and every right to have your feelings acknowledged and validated.

I've had those same frustrations with my gf, where I'm the first person she calls in tears, because she's having a bad day or bad thoughts. I have no problem with this and I'm always there to support her, however over the past few months I've had a couple of issues at work, issues around family where my d14 has lost her grandfather and uncle within a month of each other, major health issues of my own where I've been in hospital and fighting for my life and instead of having a supportive gf, it pushed her further away. In turn that made me frustrated and if I try talk to her about how I feel, she shuts down.

There have been a couple of times I have been able to talk to her and I got from those conversations that she feels responsible for some, in the case of my daughter she was angry and jealous because I was being supportive to my ex (it was her father and brother she lost and we have good communication. She came to me because our daughter needed support and she knew she wasn't in a position to help her so asked if I could) the jealousy then turns to guilt because she is able to rationalise and then she feels she has been unfair on me, then she starts to feel worse. Same with the health issues, she knew she wasn't there for me and has struggled with the guilt so pushes me away so she doesn't have to think about it.

The other side to it is when I deal with my own issues, she gets really upset because I haven't included her and feels that's me pushing her away, it triggers the feelings of abandonment and then I become the enemy. It's a tough line to navigate but there is one thing I've learned from it all. I don't think it's because she can't validate my feelings but more the fact it creates an internal battle inside when she attempts to process them. I think for some, rather than accept the pain it might cause, they do get defensive and project immediately, others are able to listen but then struggle within themselves.

My solution, I leave it all about her and her feelings. I don't think I will ever get validation from her and ask myself whether I'm being fair to expect it. Instead I got myself a Therapist where I can go each week, vent my frustrations, gather some perspective and understanding and learn how to develop myself. The part where it became a concern to me is when I actually apologised to her for having feelings.

Knowing what you have learned from the site, what kind of validation would you want from your bf? Do you think it would ever be possible to achieve and if not, have you looked at alternatives outside, such as friends or family that you can talk to. The best way I could possibly put it. If you had a partner who was paralysed from the waist down and your dreams were to take leisurely walks along the beach, there comes a time where you know that isn't possible. By all means you can adapt and accommodate the situation but eventually you learn that your dreams may never happen. It's not impossible but it is something you have no control over, only they do.

Having our feelings validated seems like the simplest request, it only takes a couple of words but in the mind of a pwBPD it might be the most impossible request ever. It's about learning to adapt with that person but at the same time looking after yourself because you deserve it  

[EaglesJuju]

 It will take some real growth on his part to be ready to offer you validation... .especially with any consistency. He will likely have 'good days' where he is quite self-aware and remorseful about his prior behavior.

Meanwhile... .I find that S.E.T. usually blows up when the "Truth" part is something you are feeling or have decided. It works much better when the "Truth" is imposed by other things, like the laws of physics, or an insurance company that will cancel your policy if you don't pay up.

There are times to state your feelings, and ways to do it. The biggest one is to keep to "I" statements, and avoid any "You" statements as much as possible.

I am slowly getting the inconsistency of his validation.  At the end of the conversation, he did apologize for becoming "upset" and causing me so much hurt and confusion.

You are probably right, I should not have initiated a "feelings" conversation at that moment in time.  He has been really evasive about talking about the steps he needs to take to come back here. I should have known that he was not ready to discuss my feelings associated with his indeterminate time frame of returning.

I think you are absolutely right why SET did not work for me.  

He did tell me the steps he needed to take to return. I felt that was progress.  

It is tough to almost start over again with someone that you shared 4 years of your life with.  I think the toughest part for me is my lack of patience.  

[EaglesJuju]

Ripped Heart, thank you for the reply.

Knowing what you have learned from the site, what kind of validation would you want from your bf?

I would like for him to acknowledge my feelings. I am aware that he may never fully understand, but I am more geared towards him just listening without shutting down or projecting. 

Do you think it would ever be possible to achieve and if not, have you looked at alternatives outside, such as friends or family that you can talk to.

I do think it is possible with him. He has been working on himself and has made some progress.  Although he is working on himself, he believes that "working on himself," almost entails putting me on the backburner.  I know this is one of his defensive mechanisms, but it still hurts.

My family or friends do not understand the dynamics of the relationship.  If I spoke to them about my lack of validation, the first thing that they would suggest is to move on.  That definitely is not something that I want to do.

I spoke to my therapist yesterday about my feelings of his indeterminate time frame.  He suggested that I should talk to my bf about my feelings.   

[Ripped Heart]

Eagles, I believe what you want is perfectly natural and you should be able to accomplish your goals. I guess it's mostly all about timing.

It can be extremely frustrating when things are going along as normal and then suddenly you get shut out or pushed behind a glass wall while they focus on themselves. It must be even more difficult when friends and family can't understand the relationship dynamics and sometimes the advice offered is not helpful. I have a similar issue with my mother, she knows bits because she loves my gf but there have been times she has said something that has triggered her and hasn't understood why.

She was in a long term relationship where my step-father became an alcoholic late on in life eventually taking his own life despite the 8 years she stood by him and tried to get him help. If I mention anything about gf's condition, she keeps reminding me about how she tried to help step-father and the end result so maybe best to get out early. It's perfectly normal for any family to want to protect their own but it sometimes has an element of bias which although the intention is there, isn't always what you need to hear at that moment in time.

As for your therapist, is he aware of bf and BPD? His suggestion is valid too and you have every right to be able to express your feelings, sometimes it helps to know when is the right time to do that and how best to approach it.

[maxsterling]

Eagles - I've experienced this hurt too often.    Unfortunately, tis the nature of a BPD relationship - we can't count on them, so we have to seek our validation elsewhere.  That's tough to do, because your romantic partner should be the one you feel closest to.  You aren't wrong to want him to acknowledge your feelings.  It's just the reality of this illness that he may not be capable of that right now.

[EaglesJuju]

As for your therapist, is he aware of bf and BPD? His suggestion is valid too and you have every right to be able to express your feelings, sometimes it helps to know when is the right time to do that and how best to approach it.

My therapist is aware of my bf's bipolar and BPD traits. My therapist  told me that my bf is one of the most mentally ill people that he ever encountered.  I understand the severity of my bf's condition. Although I understand, the lack of my basic needs is really tough to cope with.     

I know timing is really important when talking to a pwBPD. When he was physically here, it was easier to know when to talk to him, because I could see what kind of mood he was in.  It is difficult now that he is so far away.  It is almost a guessing game.  

[EaglesJuju]

Eagles - I've experienced this hurt too often.    Unfortunately, tis the nature of a BPD relationship - we can't count on them, so we have to seek our validation elsewhere.  That's tough to do, because your romantic partner should be the one you feel closest to.  You aren't wrong to want him to acknowledge your feelings.  It's just the reality of this illness that he may not be capable of that right now.

Maxsterling, I agree that he may not be capable of validating me at this moment in time. It stinks that I cannot talk to him about his indeterminate time frame of returning. The current dynamic of our relationship is a result of a decision he made. Looking back, I think his decision to leave was the best choice for him and myself. I think I misjudged the timing of the conversation.

On the other hand, he gets an A+ for other types of validation.  When it comes to things outside the realm of his leaving/return, he listens and is understanding.    

[Grey Kitty]

It is tough to almost start over again with someone that you shared 4 years of your life with.

I'm up over 20 years of my life shared with my wife... .and feel like we are starting over in some ways, complete with a lot of uncertainty.

  Best of luck to both of you!

[EaglesJuju]

It is tough to almost start over again with someone that you shared 4 years of your life with.

I'm up over 20 years of my life shared with my wife... .and feel like we are starting over in some ways, complete with a lot of uncertainty.

  Best of luck to both of you!

You too.  As always, GK thank you.