How my relationship ended.

[Aussie JJ]

I know my exBPDgf and also the pattern of her previous relationship breakdown.  

In the partner before me, she left him without any reason.  They were in a loveing commited relationship as far as I could tell and she made a choice to have a second, loving commited relationship at the same time... .until he found out as it was fizzling off and he was asking questions of her.  

With myself, the relationship ended because unknowingly back then I draw a boundary when she was physically violent that I wouldnt accept being hit.  I still kept tryign to resolve the relationship while she started a new one within 2 months.  I was accpting all of the projection and blame for a long time and really dug myself into a hole mentally I was a mess.  

She has since left that relationship and entered a new one.  

Either way the thing that stands out is the 'normallacy/comfort' stage of a relationship when the foundations are built, when it is stable and some solid foundations have been laid down is down, it tends to end with my exBPDgf.  That is what I can see occuring as her pattern of behaviour.  One thing is the secrecy around the ending and her story of it always being, "we cried, it was sad, we seperated and grew apart but he is still a good friend, yay!" is something that she told me, told both new BF's since then.  It's only later down the track when not telling the previous BF about the new BF and us still going, What the heck and trying does she implode and split us black as we "dont understand".  This takes about 5 weeks.  

If any other details are required let me know.  


AJJ.  

[HappyNihilist]

My exBPDbf and I were not married, but he left me. He also left both of his ex-wives.

With the first ex-wife, they were both young and dysfunctional, and it ended in a dramatic explosion.

His second marriage, however, was years later and far more stable. For whatever reasons, she did not trigger his BPD much. (He'd also done a lot of therapy in between marriages.) After a few years, he withdrew from her, and after a couple more years of "living like roommates," he left her.

When he left me, the only "reason" he gave was that I was "too special" to "waste my life with an ass like him." He had been acting more distant in the month before, so a part of me was expecting it... .but that didn't make it any easier at the time.

I believe that he justifies a lot of this as "protecting" others from himself -- at least others whom he cares about. He believes that he is ultimately toxic and hurtful to anyone who gets close to him... .so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Infared]

I lived with my ex for 5 years. Loved her to death and was involved with her families. Her Dad divorced her Mom when she was 5years old... took the dog and ran of to another woman, (who he is still with and had two children with).  That is when I believe my ex was damaged emotionally... and why she is the person she is today. Her Dad leaving destroyed her Mom emotionally... .but she eventually remarried ... .but I think she just settled.

 I got along with both families just fine... .but the step mother was just not a nice person... .and she was not nice to my ex.  I intervened gently when I could to stand up for her ... .and talked to my ex when she was treated badly out of concern... and love... .What I saw was that she was afraid to stand up to the "evil step mother" because she would lose her father's love.  Now this is an adult in her 30's I am talking about... .and the step mother would do these things when I was not present. No accident there.  That all being said... any social gatherings that we had were always a lot of fun and I just loved her Mom... .very nice lady. I miss her a lot.

Anyway... .I was friendly from a distance before I dated my ex... .and I knew that she had cheated on someone that she lived with with a married man before I dated her... .I didn't rush in or anything and when I saw that she was interested in me I sat her down and talked to her about her behavior and she seemed repentant and sincere about her behavior... .Although she was acting the victim (even though she did the cheating) and allowing me to rescue her.  

The time that I spent with her was quite wonderful (I think she is a waif)... .I guess she was mirroring me, not sure...

Right before Christmas a few years ago... to me something just did not feel right to me. ( I am not a suspicious or jealous man). ... .but I thought that she might be cheating on me but had no evidence.  About a week or two after I had those feelings she announced to me that she was leaving me... .(about this time of year).  I said I know that I suspected that she was with someone... but she denied it whole heartedly.  She left our home immediately to "stay with her father".  Yeah right. It was just to get free to be with this guy.(I didn't know that then). I was totally devastated and my heart would not believe my head... . So she grabs a bunch of clothes and goes   and from that minute on she was someone that I had never met.  She had new supply and she just painted me black. i.e. everything I ever said or did was wrong. She needed to box me completely out of her life (telling me there was no one)... .but it was so that I would just get lost and not interfere with her new plan.  It was soo abrupt and she became soo mean and nasty it was super psychotic to me.  I have never been thru any thing like it.  I was reeling with pain, confusion, depression and anxiety.  It was THE most horrible time of my life.

She told me that she needed space... .so I loved her so much I decided to give it too her... .trying to believe her lies and all I did was get out of the picture for her plans.  What a fool I was.  Since then is was soo bad... .She announced a month later that she had just started "dating" this guy that I knew she met two years prior.  She, I think, moved right in with him when she left... I will never know... .I was so trusting and hurt.

She has done drive-byes, the two of them act out in public in front of me and are extremely cruel ... .(like 6th graders) This has happened many many times.

Then if she is alone she tries to just walk up to me like nothing ever happened and that I should just hang out and talk to her.  I went into therapy and group therapy and was trying to keep my act together (I think I am extremely codependent, I have learned). I could not believe that I became the guy that I watched her cheat on.  I thought we both really cared about one another.      I decided that I needed to go absolute no contact after about 6 months (advice of my therapist, too). ... and I NEVER talked to her again.  She still will try to "ambush" me in parking lots etc... .but I will not get near her... .The treatment was too horrible and the damage was too great.

She never admitted to anything. Never apologized for anything.  This was a person who had told me repeatedly that she loved me and would NEVER hurt me.

I have never really gotten over that whole situation. I do not date anymore.  I just won't.   It was too traumatic.  I have lots of friends and a passionate hobby... .I have a life... .but that just ended any chance of ever opening up to a woman again for me.  It was just so severe.

[EaglesJuju]

My story is really long but, I will give you the condensed version.

My bf did leave me. The circumstances surrounding my bf's departure were convoluted. He went away for 5 days to attend a family member's wedding.  On the day he arrived home, he was scheduled to see a psychiatrist.  He had been without treatment for the 4 years he lived with me.  He saw the psychiatrist and was very upset that they recommended a mood stabilizer. Medication is something that is a trigger for him because, his parents forced medication on him during his childhood. After the psychiatrist visit, he was very distant.  I instinctively knew that he was going to tell me he was leaving.

He told me he was leaving on another occasions, after he visited his family for a vacation. Every time after he visited them, he essentially threatened me with leaving.  I recognized his pattern and knew.  The next day, I came home from school and he told me that he was moving back home as soon as possible. He said that he needed to get help because, he was feeling suicidal and becoming a "black hole and sucking everything from me through his overly needy behavior. " He has trust issues, so he only felt comfortable working with a psychiatrist that he knew back home.  He was having financial issues so he wanted to save money by moving in with a family member (his family tends to enable him). Also, he said that he feels "unloved and unwanted" by me and as much as I tried to give him the world it "was not enough for him because, this is a problem that he has."

Although he left three months ago, we are still together.  In retrospect, I am glad that he left to get help.  His behavior was really toxic for him and myself the last 6 months that he was here.

If you would like further details, please let me know

   

[Caredverymuch]

I was not married to me expBPD but in a deeply loving r/s for about 1 1/2yrs. We had known one another as friends for a length of time prior to the romantic r/s.  I had no knowledge of BPD while in the r/s.  There were many incidents of splitting quite typical of the timeframe beyond 6 mos of the r/s but no indication he would just up and leave me on day. Which he did.  After a period of the most intensely deepening of our r/s which was beyond loving and warm in every way.  

The shock of being walked out on, with no warning, with so many feelings for the man I loved and cared so deeply for is a pain too deep for words.  Two people who grow as one in trust, who walk together through so much, who grow in love.  He pursued me so  fiercely but he never had to bc I was in love with him, genuinely.  He was so panicked and grief stricken at the thought of ever " losing me."  But he didnt have to be, bc I genuinely respected him and had no intention of ever being less to him or going anywhere.   He wanted so much for us and he had it.  All.  I would have stayed beside him until my last breath.  He was the love of my life.   I wanted to be his love forever.  And he left me and all that we were overnight.   Just left me there with everything we were, with all the incredibly debilitating anguish.  No warning.  No goodbye.  Not one ounce of recognition that I ever existed.   Erased me.  :)iscarded me.  And never looked back.  

Losing the person you genuinely love in that way devastates your heart forever.  

[Panther123]

I left her, but I think it is more common the other way around.  Mine has had three prior marriages and 7 engagements, all of which she broke-off.  That's 10 guys she's left.

According to her I'm the first that has left her.  But then again I wouldn't trust a word out of her mouth even if her tongue was notarized.

[Recooperating]

I dont really know. My dBPDexbf had a extreme push/pull cycle. He would break up with me every week, then turn events around and said I had left him, only to end up in dispair crying and begging me not to leave him. After 2 years like this (and mental and physical abuse, and him cheating) I had set the boundary that if he would break up with me again I would hold him to it.

I was in the shower and he texted me. I didnt respond right away and he experienced it as rejected. I came out of the shower and had a ton of messages telling me how awefull I was and that I was probably cheating on him. In his rant he again broke up with me again. I reminded him of our agreement and asked if that was truely what he wanted. He raged and raged and I told him to think about it. He said he didnt have to, I said ok and that was it. I got the silent treatment for about a day and then he came back with regrets and apologies. He wanted me back, I said NO. I had had enough of the chaos and drama I had allowed in my life. I went NC. So who left who? He left me but didnt mean to, he was dysregulating or manipulating for me to always be available to him. Dont know.

I know he left his previous marriage. He had slept with several women during his marriage. (Ofcourse he said he would never do that to me, i was the one. But I wasnt )

His mother was married 8 times! His father was sleeping with another woman while he was born. His mom kidnapped him, moved to another country and changed his name so his father wouldnt find him. He met his father when he was 12. His mom and his uncle are imo both BPD his father is NPD. He never had an example of a good healthy rs, he was raised like this... .

[Infared]

I dont really know. My dBPDexbf had a extreme push/pull cycle. He would break up with me every week, then turn events around and said I had left him, only to end up in dispair crying and begging me not to leave him. After 2 years like this (and mental and physical abuse, and him cheating) I had set the boundary that if he would break up with me again I would hold him to it.

I was in the shower and he texted me. I didnt respond right away and he experienced it as rejected. I came out of the shower and had a ton of messages telling me how awefull I was and that I was probably cheating on him. In his rant he again broke up with me again. I reminded him of our agreement and asked if that was truely what he wanted. He raged and raged and I told him to think about it. He said he didnt have to, I said ok and that was it. I got the silent treatment for about a day and then he came back with regrets and apologies. He wanted me back, I said NO. I had had enough of the chaos and drama I had allowed in my life. I went NC. So who left who? He left me but didnt mean to, he was dysregulating or manipulating for me to always be available to him. Dont know.

I know he left his previous marriage. He had slept with several women during his marriage. (Ofcourse he said he would never do that to me, i was the one. But I wasnt )

His mother was married 8 times! His father was sleeping with another woman while he was born. His mom kidnapped him, moved to another country and changed his name so his father wouldnt find him. He met his father when he was 12. His mom and his uncle are imo both BPD his father is NPD. He never had an example of a good healthy rs, he was raised like this... .

I am sorry that you had to go thru that... .and really glad that you finally stood up for yourself.  I bet it wasn't easy.

[Infared]

I was not married to me expBPD but in a deeply loving r/s for about 1 1/2yrs. We had known one another as friends for a length of time prior to the romantic r/s.  I had no knowledge of BPD while in the r/s.  There were many incidents of splitting quite typical of the timeframe beyond 6 mos of the r/s but no indication he would just up and leave me on day. Which he did.  After a period of the most intensely deepening of our r/s which was beyond loving and warm in every way.  

The shock of being walked out on, with no warning, with so many feelings for the man I loved and cared so deeply for is a pain too deep for words.  Two people who grow as one in trust, who walk together through so much, who grow in love.  He pursued me so  fiercely but he never had to bc I was in love with him, genuinely.  He was so panicked and grief stricken at the thought of ever " losing me."  But he didnt have to be, bc I genuinely respected him and had no intention of ever being less to him or going anywhere.   He wanted so much for us and he had it.  All.  I would have stayed beside him until my last breath.  He was the love of my life.   I wanted to be his love forever.  And he left me and all that we were overnight.   Just left me there with everything we were, with all the incredibly debilitating anguish.  No warning.  No goodbye.  Not one ounce of recognition that I ever existed.   Erased me.  :)iscarded me.  And never looked back.  

Losing the person you genuinely love in that way devastates your heart forever.  

Amen.

[Infern0]

In my case I had about 4 great months at the start.  :)uring this time was when I was pretty happy and content and although I was having a lot of fun with her and enjoyed her company a great deal I wasn't viewing it as anything too serious.

At this stage she was doing 100% of the perusing,  coming round every night etc etc. She was asking me to run errands for her etc but I didn't do that stuff her friendzoned orbiter (my replacement) was her manservent and I didn't want that role.

Anyway after 5 months or so I told her I loved her after she had told me a few times and that was that,  she went into a dissociated state on the spot started murmuring that it always goes wrong etc.  I was confused beyond belief and the next day she had completely changed.  :)evaluation begun and three weeks later she announced that she was now with the orbiter dude.

My response was goodbye,  but she engaged push pull etc.  I thought she was playing games and lying about being with him so I deployed some game on her but all hell broke loose and it's been that way ever since, push/pull etc.

[downwhim]

"The shock of being walked out on, with no warning, with so many feelings for the man I loved and cared so deeply for is a pain too deep for words.  Two people who grow as one in trust, who walk together through so much, who grow in love.  He pursued me so  fiercely but he never had to bc I was in love with him, genuinely.  He was so panicked and grief stricken at the thought of ever " losing me."  But he didnt have to be, bc I genuinely respected him and had no intention of ever being less to him or going anywhere.   He wanted so much for us and he had it.  All.  I would have stayed beside him until my last breath.  He was the love of my life.   I wanted to be his love forever.  And he left me and all that we were overnight.   Just left me there with everything we were, with all the incredibly debilitating anguish.  No warning.  No goodbye.  Not one ounce of recognition that I ever existed.   Erased me.  Discarded me.  And never looked back. 

Losing the person you genuinely love in that way devastates your heart forever. "

He just left - gone. I am the one stuck with telling people we are through. Engagement off. Some chick called me at 2:30 am drunk saying he said she was my twin. Repulsive. He is so cruel. Replaced before the ring was off. And guess what? I am keeping the ring for all he has put me through. No, this is not a way to get him back. It is because of time spent with someone who was dishonest and undeserving of my love. It is put in a safety deposit box until I heal and can sell it or re-design. So,... .him.

I don't want to date either because this was all so painful and ugly. I took pictures down of us at my sons wedding. He is playing hostage with the video he made for them of their vows. Sick.

8 years of a waste when I could have met a nice guy. Said he would never cheat on me. Liar... .

Where I go from here I do not know. He totally burnt me out with the rages, lies etc... Many times I was afraid of his anger. He is a big guy. Why I miss him is a question that is hard to answer, years together, said he loved me everyday, all of that. Addicted like crack.



 

[parisian]

I am sorry to hear the pain that having them walk out suddenly, or being in something else whilst still with you has caused.

I was probably a little more fortunate in that I was the one who called it off. I wrote her a 'balanced' email explaining there were some things that were upsetting me and I hoped we could work on them. Of course at the time, I had no idea what BPD was. I assumed (so wrong there) she was a normal, healthy adult, and we could resolve issues like normal healthy adults do. That was never going to be possible. She gave me an ultimatum which was that I had to either accept that she couldn't change or think about whether the relationship was right for me. So I did. I called it off on that ultimatum and it was one of the best decisions of my life. I'm glad I only wasted 1.5 years of my life in that rather than ten.

But I do have empathy for those who were suddenly left. I can't really imagine how confusing, painful and hurtful that must have been. Stay strong xx