A vent - can't make decisions for herself.

[maxsterling]

I know I have mentioned this many, many times before, but today that is a particular frustration.  She's in a good mood, and I should be thankful for that.  But - here I was this morning before work, starting to feel extremely overwhelmed and shut down with how far I feel I am behind on nearly everything.  When I feel this far behind, I have a real hard time staying focused and organized and just getting started.  And here I am with weekend approaching, and she is contacting me throughout the day asking me this or that, if she should do this or that, or what I want to do this weekend.  Grr.  What I need is some time alone, time to work on things, time to go shopping ON MY OWN.  I don't know if I can express that in a validating way to her at the moment, given my irritation.  But I know tonight, it will be "what do you want to do about dinner?" I will wind up cooking, because she won't be able to make up her mind about where or what she would want to eat if we go out.  Right now she was just asking me if she bought too many gifts, or if she needs to buy one or two rolls of wrapping paper, or just gift bags.  Again, I need to find a way to just be happy that she is active and out of the house, but GRR, all this asking me of things that I really can't answer and don't want to be bothered with... .

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[jedimaster]

When it comes to some arbitrary rule, they can make a snap decision, set their teeth in it, and heaven help anyone who tries to change their mind, and then the next moment agonize over what to have for breakfast.  My wife will second, third, fourth, and fifth guess the simplest, most insignificant decision.  It's draining to keep giving the same reassurances over and over.  When possible I try to act amused rather than annoyed that she keeps asking the same questions over and over.  It's a balancing act, because too much of that seems like I'm laughing at her.  But when I get it right it seems to finally reassure her that the sky is not going to fall because she bought the green shoelaces, or whatever.  Seems like she thinks if I can smile about it, it's OK for her not to worry.

Like anything else with BPD, what works today may backfire tomorrow, so your mileage may vary.

I've noticed she has the most trouble with decisions that involve others' opinions.  Gift giving is difficult, because in her black-and-white world, everyone is either going to love what she gives them or hate it.  And if they hate it, they must hate her too, so every gift is agony.  My wife is convinced that my father can only play golf with a particular type of Callaway golf ball, because he once mentioned that is his favorite.  She cannot absorb the fact that he saves those for special occasions and for his weekly rounds with his buddies he buys cheap balls.  She gave me holy hell because I got him some cheaper balls a while back and she insists that he's only being nice to me when he says he likes them.  If there's one thing my dad will NOT do, it's tell you a white lie to be polite.  If he doesn't like something he will simply find a way to not say anything.  Yet in her world it's vitally important that I get the "correct" balls or it's a disaster.  My dad thinks it's hilarious, but he doesn't have to live with her 

[Mrs.Mclost]

WOW! Does this indecision making sound soo familiar. I work 4 days a week (friday's off) and not much gets done it seems like if I'm not around to make every little decision. Just tonight I asked my uBPDh to hang a curtain (because i said it was more his" dept" I shopped & picked out what kind I wanted, but after 15 questions, how high, where are the hooks, this way or this way, etc,etc, I may as well have done it myself, it ends up becoming  "our" project not "his". Drives  me crazy, the inefficiency  of it all! If he could have just done that, I could have gone off & done another something, somewhere else, But NOO, he wouldn't let me get far before another question was asked. He's a construction forman mind you, but sometimes I sure don't see that side, but I have often got treated like a worker at the job site! very frustrating!

[maxsterling]

Another one that frustrates me is her asking me how long she should microwave something for.   EVERY TIME.  I wonder what she does when I am not home?  Something so simple - something that she HAS to do on her own when I am not there, something that i have no more knowledge of than her... .I wonder if that tells me something in that the decision making is not the root of the problem... .

[Crumbling]

... .perhaps the root is not wanting to be responsible, not wanting or recognizing that she is in control?

My BPDh likes to ask my permission for things:  e.g. "I'm going to bed now, is that okay?"  After many many years of telling him he does not need my permission, now my response is "Want me to call your mom and ask?"  And he laughs and re-words his statement.

It's really funny in our house because when it's his project, the burden is on me to get things started, keep them going and ensure it gets completed and everything put away.  I need to be giving him my undivided attention, to jump when he asks, to listen to his plans or I'm not "supporting" him.  But when it's my project, he tells me where everything is that I need, how I need to do it, and what tools would be the best to use.  Then he questions my approach or methods, constantly injecting 'tips and hints'.  Even if it's something he has never done before!

It must be about something else, because there is no logic in how things go down at all!

[Ripped Heart]

maxsterling, it's extremely frustrating and draining when one minute they are making decisions and the next even the most basic decisions are being put on your shoulders. Many things in this post resonate with me, my gf is always asking permission to do things which in turn make me feel guilty because I just want her to be herself, do what she wants to when she wants to do it.

We are taking the girls out for the day on Christmas Eve (her girls d17, d20 and my d14) and when I raised this with her last week about if she was still wanting to go, her response back was "Yes, if you want me to come" and that seems to be the basis on a lot of things we do. It also falls between a rock and a hard place at times because when I make plans, I try and include her in the process and the decisions, such as where to go on vacation or if we plan a day out with my d14 what would everybody like to do. It feels at times she gets frustrated at this, perhaps because she fears getting it wrong and at times snaps at me to make the decision and she will go along with it. On the other hand though and what trips me up, if I make a decision without including her, she then gets upset because it's as though I don't consider her worthy enough to include her in the plans. Either way, it's a no win situation.

She has been really cold and distant most of last week with the exception of a couple of things. She contacted me the other night to ask if I could respond to a technical support email she received about a broken product because she said it was too technical for her. They only wanted her contact details and address. Then I got a phone call about what she should do about food for Christmas, should she buy a full turkey or just buy it cooked and sliced. Then I got a text yesterday because she had several missed calls from a number and was scared it might be her ex stalking her. She sent me the number to see if I could find out who it was. We have the same issues around food too over indecision which usually just results in a take out being ordered and even then it's a battle to get her to make a decision on what she wants.

In terms of how you respond (or don't) I'm still trying to figure that out myself too so might not be the best to advise you. How you spend your weekend and taking that time out, have you approached it from the view of just making a statement without reasoning. For example, if she asks what you want to do this week respond with "I'm going to spend the morning in town to do some shopping, what are your plans for the weekend?" I know when I have taken that approach with my gf, it creates the least amount of tension. Sometimes she might respond with "Well I was going to come over and we could maybe do something" and other times she will decide on something she is going to do. If it's the former, I would usually respond with "It would be great to see you and I'm sure we can find something to do. Should be back home around 1pm so let me know what time is best for you" Again, not an exact science, sometimes doesn't work but that is dependent on their moods. Not only are you securing that time for yourself but also letting them know they are still important and that you do want to spend time with them.