Leaving my wBPD on Christmas Eve and scared to death...

[Fly Like An Eagle]

Hello,

I am planning to leave my wBPD on Christmas Eve and I am terrified.  I am also concerned about the way I am planning to do it and how she may react, but I honestly do not know how else to do it:

1.  We are flying to Mexico, where she is from, on Tuesday.

2.  I am faking a business meeting the next day, the morning of the 24th, and instead I am planning to go back to the airport.

3.  At the airport I am planning to cancel her return trip to the U.S.

4.  I will call her from the U.S. once I am back here.

I know this is cruel but I honestly do not know how else to do it.  If I tell her in the U.S. that I want out, she will simply not go back to her home country and make my life high stress and next to impossible.  I am planning to take good care of her long distance through the divorce, but I just don't want her around me due to the abuse!  4 years is enough!  I am however scared that I will feel tremendously guilty afterwards and miserable.  It does not help that I do not have a good support group in the city I live in.  It also really sucks for her that this is happening on Christmas Eve while we are visiting her relatives in Mexico and that I am doing it cold turkey.  She will feel humiliated.  How devastating will this be to her and how will she react?  Could she possible commit suicide?  I also did not plan to leave her on Christmas Eve, it just worked out that way, but I really do not want to back out now that I have made the decision.

Any thoughts about this high-stress event are appreciated.   

Mav.

[Ripped Heart]

Hi Fly Like An Eagle,

My heart goes out to you in your situation and the extremes you are going to in order to escape. I don't know much about your situation to understand the drastic measures you are going to and had a few concerns around your plan. What has been the most difficult part of your relationship to get you to the point where you are looking to flee in this manner?

I will be honest that I was a little taken aback initially because it sounded like your pwBPD was going to be left somewhere on her own, then I read that you are going back to her home where her family are. It's also a very difficult decision to make to cut and run rather than talk it through and explain. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the right thing. You mentioned about not telling her in your home country but what would be the impact if you told her in hers?

Only you can know what decision is the right one to make. I sincerely wish you all the best and please keep us posted as to how you get along.

Your post resonates with me because I was married to pwBPD (amongst others) from a different country and found myself trapped between trying to make things better just to stop the emotional, mental and physical abuse and planning an escape. My out was during one of her rages when she told me to go, didn't even try and reason with her and I got out on a flight the following morning, never looked back since. I didn't have the strength you did to get out before it almost destroyed me as a person which is why I'm inquisitive to your plight.

[Fly Like An Eagle]

Thanks Ripped Heart for your reply.  I am doing it this way because the only time that I try to break up with her in a public place and talking to her about it she basically panicked on me.  She started yelling in public and then ran to my car and locked herself in to the point that she even Peed inside the car just so she could not get out.  If I take the same approach in Mexico I know she's going to try to physically restrain me from leaving.  This is something that I obviously do not want.

However she had another small episode this evening in which she told me that I was nothing to her and had very little to offer her.  She went on to criticize me about all the problems that she is having an blame me for her depression episodes.  She talked it off by saying that I was terrible in bed and that once we got to Mexico she would not come back.  In the end we made things up but these kinds of episodes leave their mark on me.  In addition it is now making it easier for me to justify me abandoning her in Mexico. 

I've pretty much decided that I'm going to go through with this.  I just get into a panic thinking about how I'm going to feel afterwards and how hurt she is going to be.  After all as silly as this might sound I still love her.  I also suspect that I am going through some type of PTSD as I am concerned that she's going to send relatives to my house to beat the crap out of me after I tell her that it's over.  I hope I am just imagining this but it unsettles me a lot to the point that I'm thinking of buying a baseball bat to protect myself.

Thanks for reading this,

Mav

[Skip]

Are you planning to leave a note?  It will be helpful to explain matters to everyone.

Why Christmas Eve? This will stun the entire family. Is it possible to leave on another day?

[Ripped Heart]

In the end we made things up but these kinds of episodes leave their mark on me.  In addition it is now making it easier for me to justify me abandoning her in Mexico. 

Again, this must be a really difficult time for you and I can imagine there are all sorts of emotions going through your head right now. I do have a question around the statement above. Given her treatment towards you and the comments she made, who made up who and also why? Is it out of fear on your behalf or just to try and keep the peace? I ask because I found myself in similar situations in the past where I compromised who I was in return for peace but the hurt was still there.

What I discovered on my journey is that it can also send a message to the other person that it's ok to treat you like that. We tend to take a shortcut from time to time where we validate the invalid in order to keep the peace but it still doesn't make it right within ourselves. How did the whole incident make you feel after you made up? Was there still an element of hurt and anger inside yourself?

It sounds from the argument that you have opportunities to take that step away from the r/s. For example, given what she said, it might have been a good opportunity to let her know you are sorry she feels that way and wish her nothing but happiness. However, the comments are rather hurtful towards you and right now you want to take time away to process what has just been said. Again, much easier to say on the outside than ever it is to do on the inside but you do have to take care of yourself and enforce your boundaries.

In terms of going through with your plan, you do need to be certain that is what you want and gain strength from from the hurt you feel right now. If you waiver on this, there is a good chance it will come back to bite you. The most important thing in all of this is your own well being and your own recovery. Seeing the positive changes you can make to yourself can be your driving force, remembering the pain and suffering will keep you from slipping back.

I also have to echo Skip here and ask why Christmas Eve? This is going to hurt a lot of people, including yourself and each year could be a reminder and a trigger both to them and to you. All of this is about what you are comfortable with and what works best for you. Given the location and the situation, it is going to bring more people into the mix in terms of who this affects. There is always going to be an element of fear regardless, I sincerely wish you all the best with this and again, keep us posted. We can support you the best we can through this difficult period with whatever decision you decide to make.

[Fly Like An Eagle]

To answer the question as to why Christmas Eve, in addition to what I explained that if I do it in the U.S. she just will not leave and make my life miserable, the simple answer is that it just happened that way.  I am not going through this breakup on Christmas Eve to hurt her more or to be vengeful. 

In early December we had a blow up the day before I had to leave for a business trip.  Granted, it had been 5 months since we had a bad fight, but it was still very painful.  She basically got upset at me upon my returning from a gym class which she usually goes with me but this time she could not attend.  She angrily told me that as she was not able to go, she was sure that I was looking at all the hot women in the gym.  I tried to validate and reason with her that she was getting nervous because of my trip, but it was to no avail.  It came to a point where I then started to blow up at her and the next two weeks where basically a cycle of fighting and reconciling, very highs and very lows.  At the end of the two weeks, at the end of yet another fight, after being told that I was worthless, useless, a hypocrite, terrible in bed, selfish, and the worst mistake in her life, I could not stand it anymore and I finally called a couple of very close friends of mine.  They told me that since the beginning of my relationship with my wife they had noticed that she had been abusive against me and that I needed to leave her.  What was striking about my conversation with them was that it was almost identical to one I had with my parents about 6 months ago, and my friends have never talked to them.  We formulated a plan together and it just made sense, at the time, that I come back from Mexico on the 24th.  Hindsight being 20-20, we perhaps could have planned this better, but the problem now is that it will be almost impossible to back out due to financial reasons primarily.

I have tried to rationalize this decision and still struggle to do so, such as "it is better to leave before Christmas instead of doing it afterwards when I have been with her whole family" or "at least she will be with all her family when I leave", but I still struggle to not feel incredibly guilty.  I keep having images in my head of her wailing and eventually fainting from sadness. 

I will also try to answer your questions, Ripped Heart.  In a nutshell, after we fight I feel angry, sad, resentful, and trapped.  A day later or even a few hours later, things seem to go back to normal and she is sweet and loving, but the underlying feeling is that this will happen again and I will once again be assigned most of the blame for our relationship problems.  Since I have been with her, we moved to a new city a couple of years ago to "start afresh", but the result has been that I have no social life, she will not go to church with me, she won't learn English, my family is alienated from me, and I am teetering on bankruptcy.   Lately the question that pops into my head is, "why am I putting up with this when I would not tolerate such treatment from other women?"  It's time to move on, but this step will have its consequences, I am just praying that the positives will outweigh the negatives.

Thank you all for your continued support, please keep helping me.

Mav

[peiper]

Hi Fly Like an Eagle,

What's going to keep her from coming back on her own?  Is she a citizen here ?

[Fly Like An Eagle]

She is not a citizen and the ticket is one way to Mexico only.  She thinks it is round trip.

Mav

[Skip]

I have tried to rationalize this decision and still struggle to do so, such as "it is better to leave before Christmas instead of doing it afterwards when I have been with her whole family" or "at least she will be with all her family when I leave", but I still struggle to not feel incredibly guilty.  I keep having images in my head of her wailing and eventually fainting from sadness.  

It's going to be an emotional nuke for the entire family - not just her - catholics take this holiday very seriously.  They will see it as cowardly, premeditated, evil.

I'm not suggesting what you should do... .but anyone hearing this story (in your future life) will have a hard time seeing this anything other than bad character.  

You may regret this for years.

Tough situation.  Breaking up is never easy or clean.

[Fly Like An Eagle]

Skip, I appreciate the bluntness in your observations.  Let me ask you this:  do you see any positives coming out of this?  The alternative is for me to tell her in Mexico after Christmas, but she will want to come back with me at all costs.  Is your main concern that this is happening on Christmas Eve?

Mav

[Skip]

So doing this on Christmas eve forces her to chose between staying with family on the holiday or going home with you.

I think you have to look at the social mores of breaking up.

A man with character has the strength to sit eye to eye and end a relationship, take a few questions, make some assurances, and then go.

Breaking up via text message is not very cool. Disappearing is not very cool. Breaking up on the holiday isn't cool. Driving someone to a canyon and kicking them out of a car isn't cool.

If there is physical danger, then doing it at via email and changing the locks is OK.  But beyond that... .

A lot of people break up badly. This is at the top of that scale.

What is absolutely necessary?

[Fly Like An Eagle]

If there is physical danger, then doing it at via email and changing the locks is OK.  But beyond that...

Well Skip, as a matter of fact there has been violence in the past when I tried to do this.

In one instance, we were at the beach and we had a blow up.  This is what I had referenced before in a previous posting, where she locked herself in my car and peed in it so she would not come out and give me an opportunity to take off.  In that same night, I got a separate hotel room once she was in the car.  She managed to find my room and started to make a scene outside of it, once I opened, she forced herself in, resulting in a wrestling match.  I finally let her in but called the cops to eventually escort her out of the room.

In another instance, and I have to be honest and neutral here, at the beginning of our relationship we had a blow up on New Year's Eve before we were going to spend the night at a hotel with friends for festivities.  Once I told her I was going to go to the festivities without her as she did want to go anymore due to the fight, it escalated to the point where she hid my keys and wallet, as an attempt to force me to stay with her.  I completely lost it and smacked her.  It was the first and only time I had ever been physically violent with a woman and shocked me into disbelief.  It was after this event when I started to realize something was seriously wrong.

In another instance, this one on Mexico about two years back, another fight, another impulse in my behalf to leave.  She restrained me in the hotel room, when I let loose she punched me straight to my teeth and cut my lip to the point of bleeding.  I restrained myself and did not reciprocate and called hotel security.  No cops involved, but we got a stern reprimand from the hotel manager where he told us he would kick us out if the acrimony continued.

And last but not least, a year ago she got mad at me and after she started to incessantly attack me, I locked myself in a room in the house.  She proceeded to shut off my internet access and bang on my door.  At that point I took several sleeping pills just to "shut down".  She called 911 and it got classified as an attempted suicide and I end up spending the night in the emergency room and later in the city's psych ward.

I am not being facetious when I ask this, and I do realize that what I am describing on these boards is only a snapshot of my overall relationship, but does the above change your perspective at all?

Mav

[Skip]

Mav,

I'm only asking questions - the same questions that others will ask.  I don't know the situation, but I gather it is bad.

I know that you don't want the confrontation.  I'm only suggesting that you realize that you are blowing up a holiday for many people and may be creating damage that will be very hard on you in the long run.

I don't know what the other options are.  :)o you have the ability to confide in a family member in Mexico and have them help?  Get the family to be neutral and encourage her to let go (and not become a target).

We're just asking questions to help you anticipate the ramifications.

Maybe what you are suggesting is it.  Only you know.

Skip

[Fly Like An Eagle]

Skip, thanks a million for your comments, and sorry if I am coming across as confrontational.  Your comments are giving me the right perspective.

At this point, it just feels like another confrontation will suck the life out of me, although it may be necessary.  On the other hand, it just seems like I do not have any other options, although I am going to keep thinking about them.  I am quite literally out of money, so getting another flight out after the 25th is not really an option, as a matter of fact, I have had to ask for a loan for the flight on the 24th.  I do have another return flight already booked for the 1st of January, but really wish not to stay that long.  I could wait to tell her until the 31st, perhaps with the buy-in of her mom and daughter, but this is also high risk as I am not in my home country.  And also I would be telling her on New Year's Eve... is this not the "same difference" with Christmas Eve?  

In the end, these are situations what end up happening with BPD's, aren't they?  Awkward, no win situations caused by abuse, splitting, gas lighting and so forth.  In  the end, who is really responsible for this?  My therapist and others on this board will say that it is both our faults, and there certainly is validity to this; but my problem with this line of thought is, in the end who is the person primarily causing this high stress situation?  I am an enabler, I have accepted that, but I have also accepted that I am the one that needs to end this.  I have often come across the advice that when ending an abusive relationship, prepare first, then act, and finally deal with the repercussions later.    

Lots of thoughts, lots of introspection, lots of venting.  I just hope that in the long term this will not come back to haunt me.

Mav

[Skip]

Skip, thanks a million for your comments, and sorry if I am coming across as confrontational.  

We're good.

Let's see what others say... .

[Rise]

I have often come across the advice that when ending an abusive relationship, prepare first, then act, and finally deal with the repercussions later.

This is sort of true. While you've got to deal with the repercussions later, you've got to be willing to accept them. Which means you also have to think about what the potential repercussions are going to be. I want to make sure you've thought this out fully, and understand what the likely outcome of your actions are.

I'm not judging you here, I just want to make sure you are aware that regardless of your reasons, you are most likely going to come across as the bad guy to a large number of people, including her daughter and the rest of her family. You've got to be willing to deal with that. Also be aware, just because you're leaving her in Mexico, doesn't mean that you've necessarily heard the last of her. It's not like you're dropping an unwanted puppy off at the pound. I'm pretty sure that as long as you are legally married, she still has the right to re-enter the country (although I could be wrong, as I most certainly don't have any sort of experience with immigration law). Are you prepared to deal with the consequences of your actions if and when she does come back?

If you've thought this through fully, accept the potential consequences of your actions, and see absolutely no better way of dealing with this, then you have to do what you have to do.

[GuiltHaunted]

1) I don't know what the rules of US are. But if you are married, doesn't she have a residence permit?

- In that case, who are you to judge if she choses to live in Mexico or USA after you break up.

2) Do you share a home? You are married?

- Is that not her home too? Are you allowed to prevent her access from where she lives?


Sounds like the worst plan ever, in my opinion.

[Mercury2Pluto]

I understand that overwhelming panicky feeling that makes it hard to think things through right now.  In your case, it would be a good idea to consider multiple options.  You do have options.

Do you have a support network?  It would be very helpful if you have someone to call or text before and after the process.  Your T or friend or family member.  I suggest talking through your plans and timelines with those people and asking if they can be available for moral support over the phone on the holiday, or the day that you end up choosing. 

When I told my spouse I wanted a divorce I spoke with my T both immediately before and after.  I had been working toward this in T for some time. 

I was terrified of what she might do based on her behavior on the occasions when she imagined I had abandoned her.  If imagined abandonment led to such extreme behavior, what would real abandonment do?  To my surprise she handled it relatively calmly.  Perhaps she realized that since it was definitely over there was nothing to be gained by histrionics.  I don't know.  I was lucky.  That doesn't mean it will go that smoothly for anyone else and it is wise to be prepared for any possible outcome.

First of all, have you already taken care of or thought through how exactly you will take care of any entanglements?  Any joint property or accounts?  Insurance?  Debts?  Are there any of her belongings at your residence?  Your belongings at hers?  How will you handle the exchange?  Do you have scheduled plans together that you are going to cancel?  What will be the impact?  Does she have a key to your residence or car at home?  What will you do about that?  Have you arranged to change locks?  Does her mail go to your address?  Does she have a key to your mailbox?  Plan this out ahead of time.  I highly recommend planning out everything before breaking up and taking action where you can to disentangle.  For example, you don't have to cancel joint insurance yet, but you can call and find out what is involved in the process.  The timing, the cost, the options.

If you go to the airport and leave the country when she thinks you are at a local meeting, what about your luggage?  Will it remain with her?  Are you ok with giving away anything left behind? 

It seems that the idea of a decoy meeting can be deployed on any day.  The fake meeting can be on the 26th, 27th, or 29th.  These would be much better than the 24th.

Options that are better than a fake meeting:

Tell her in person.  Not on the 24th or 25th, choose one of the other days.  Do not leave the country after the conversation, instead go to a hotel.  Plan out all of the details. Have your keys, wallet, passport with you.  Hotel reservation. Transportation to the hotel.  An additional back up place to stay.  Your friend or T should know your plans.  Have a check in time with them, if they don't hear from you then something is wrong.  What do you want them to do if they don't hear from you on time? 

Explain to her that you wanted her to be with her family for support and that is why you chose the time and location.  You care about her and want her to be supported.  Tell her that you are going to a hotel, not that you are leaving the country.  Stay in the country for at least a day before leaving town.  Be available by phone to a reasonable extent.  You don't have to listen to abuse or listen for hours.  Based on your previous experience, be prepared.  Don't plan on driving a car to which she has keys.  Don't drive a rental that has both of your names on it.  Consider the information she can access in order to find you.  Don't use a credit card from a joint account.  If she has access to your phone account, you should probably change that before the break up.  You do not owe her your travel information.  You are not required to tell her which hotel or the time of your flight.

If it is too hard to say the words out loud, meet in person and hand her a letter to read and stay there while she reads it.  Plan out your boundaries ahead of time.  What if she wants to argue?  Will you?  What if she wants to discuss it calmly?  What if she starts screaming?  What if she threatens to hurt herself?  What will you do if she starts hitting you?   You will get in your car and drive away.  What if she stands in front of the car and prevents you from driving?  Just sit there.  Be prepared to call the police if it becomes necessary.  If you don't have a car and are relying on her family for transportation, then work out alternative transportation ahead of time.  Schedule a cab ahead of time to take you to the hotel.  When the cab driver arrives that can give you a good excuse to cut the conversation short and leave.

If you are unable to handle either telling her in person or giving her a letter in person, then do it over the phone while you are in the country.  At a hotel.  Staying for another day.  For all of these options choose a day that is not a holiday.  After the 25th.

The value of a fake meeting during the trip is to give you some space to breathe and prepare yourself.  Instead of leaving the country during your fake meeting, go somewhere peaceful and breathe.  Talk to your support system.  Prepare.  Then go back to her family's house.

Here is another option: don't go to Mexico.  Unless you are already there.  What would happen if you cancelled the trip?  Would she go anyway?  Her ticket is paid for and she can see her family.  She might choose to go.

[Fly Like An Eagle]

I want to keep thanking everyone for your insight in these boards.  The advice all of you have given me has been tremendous and has made me realize that I do have other options.  I want all of you to know that right now these boards are my primary source of support.  :)espite having family a few hours away, their advice is often very biased and self-serving.  I understand where they are coming from but often it can be ineffective.

After reading these messages and talking to my T, I have decided that the best way to do this is to tell her face-to-face tonight at home that I want out and cross my fingers that she will get on tomorrow's flight to Mexico without me.  The way I see it, currently there are several factors that she cannot use against me to force me into actions I do not want to undertake.  This is my last day of work due to vacation, so if we stay up all night arguing coming into work tomorrow dead tired will not be an issue.  The dogs will be in the kennel starting tonight due to the trip, so that is another variable that is being taken out of this equation, and her daughter, who lives with us here in the U.S., is already in Mexico for the holidays.  Hopefully this will furhter inspire her to get on the plane tomorrow.

I will just have to take my chances with her reaction.  I am hiding the car keys and parking the car a block away so I can have the option to leave if necessary.  I am also ready to call the police if necessary and not reciprocate any violence.  It will be incredibly painful to see her breakdown and cry, but I think this is for the best.  I will still be the bad guy in the eyes of her family, but I will no longer be labelled a coward or a major a-hole.  This method also relieves me from doing it in Mexico where I lose negotiation leverage.  Also at least I am no longer doing it on Christmas Eve.

Thanks to all and I will keep you posted on how this progresses.

Regards, Mav.

[Mercury2Pluto]

Mav,

Good for you for doing it face to face.  You can do this.  Once this part is behind you it will become easier to think clearly.  Stay strong and tell us how it goes.  The family is here for you.

[Ripped Heart]

Fly, again, having in been in a very similar position to you, I do understand all those thoughts, feelings and fears you are having right now. Also again, the most important aspect of all of this is YOU. Your health, safety and well being.

My exBPDw had already shown her true colours even before we got married. On our wedding day, I was alone, isolated and petrified 1000's of miles away from friends and family. On the morning of the wedding I even packed a bag and left. The only reason for that day was because it was the first time I wasn't being watched, up until then I couldn't even step out of the house without being monitored, followed or questioned so it gave me a very small window. On the eve of the planned escape, I made contact with my mother who I had been banned from having any contact with and she was a great help (the support network mentioned below) I didn't want to involve others but given they had been isolated too, there was a level of understanding between us.

However, moral judgement got the better of me. How can you run out on someone on their wedding day and create that kind of drama in front of all THEIR friends and family? So I turned around and went back. To me, enough people had suffered already and I felt if I went through with things it would buy some breathing space and maybe things could be worked out. It was a very abusive (in every aspect of the word) relationship - had my head smashed into a wall for taking the wrong turn at a junction. Had a pot of hot coffee poured over me because I asked her not to scream in my face. Smacked around the head with a glass because I dared to walk away from her when she was in a rage.

If your r/s is bad to the point where you fear for your life or even if there is physical abuse in there, staying and prolonging it is probably not best advisable. Nobody should feel trapped in that kind of r/s and if you feel escape is your best option, then as I've said all along, you have our support.

However, I think a lot of the questions others have asked are a very valuable insight. I will be honest, when I first thought of running, the only thing I wanted was to be away from the abuse. I never considered all the other options, such as how I got back to my own country (she controlled all the money and if I wanted anything, I had to ask, beg and plead)

It's always a very difficult decision to know what to do, when and how but reading your last post, it sounds like you have an amazing opportunity to have closure. I might suggest that if you are going to tell her tonight, maybe go somewhere neutral and public. That way if there is a major reaction, keep your calm and you will have witnesses should she react in a violent way.

I also know how it feels about not wanting to be the bad guy in other peoples eyes. When I finally did manage to get away, I went back simply because of the smear campaign against me. It was all lies and I went back to clear my name and prove that what was being said was not true (another mistake) all that matters is YOU. It doesn't matter what people think about you, they have every right to think what they want to. All that matters is that you know the truth, they aren't the ones who have had to live through it.

I stayed in my marriage until she gave me an out. The usual process was that she would rage, I would get kicked to the street with no money, a different country, no friends or family and her in control of all my possessions. The only logical option was to apologise, accept responsibility for her actions, validate the invalid, beg and plead and I would be allowed back in on her terms. Over time I built up my own support network, found a way to keep in touch with family, had a wonderful therapist and a job income which she wasn't aware about (didn't have a work visa so couldn't work in her country, but was able to find work in my own country and work online) I saved every penny I had to be able to get a flight away. The last time she did the usual rage and throw out on the street, I used that as my out and never looked back. T gave me the strength to keep walking and I knew I had the support when I got home.

As for being the bad guy, look deep inside yourself and keep reminding yourself, you aren't a bad guy. It doesn't matter what others think about you, only what you feel about yourself. You deserve happiness, you deserve a long and healthy life and you deserve to be whoever you want to be.

Again, keep us posted and remember we are here to support you through this.

[Yikes44]

I definitely understand when enough is enough and that sometimes you have to go to drastic measures to get away from it. And it sounds like you are leaving her in a place where she will have a support network to fall back on (but yes, you can probably suspect you will become a villain of legendary proportions within her family, but should that really matter that much?).

It is sometimes necessary to just run. It may feel cowardly, but BPD's learn your vulnerabilities early on and some will stop at nothing (no public demonstration too extreme, no desperate heart wrenching pleading too over the top).

You're not kicking her out of a plane over Siberia. You are leaving her in the arms of her family in her native country. Probably turn your cell off for a week or so?

[felix22]

Wow, just read this whole thread. As an observer, with the limited information I have, I feel like you made the right choice, staying in the U.S. (why make things more complicated by being in another country?). Anyways, it's inspiring that you took other people's advice and thoughts, from the board, into consideration. And, that you are doing what you need to, to take care of yourself!

[Fly Like An Eagle]

Hello all,

I thought I would give an update then just let you all know that it's been tough tonight but I am holding steady.  She keeps insisting that she will change for the better but I'm just not buying it.  I am still not sure if she will get on the plane tomorrow but I am working on it.

Thanks to all,

Joe

[Ripped Heart]

Fly,

One possibility is to tell her that right now things cannot remain as they are. In order to heal, you both need space and that her going to Mexico would give you the space you both need right now. Given the past treatment of you, it's understandable and perfectly reasonable not to buy in to what she is telling you. Words are meaningless without actions and with a bit of space, it may be that she is true to her word and seeks out the help she needs, at the same time it gives you space to work on you and gain your strength back.

I'm really pleased to hear you took your first step forward tonight and hope the future is much brighter and healthier for you 

[Fly Like An Eagle]

Hello all,

In the end, I told her on Monday that I wanted out.  She insisted that I go with her to Mexico anyways which I did, even though I told her that it would be worse if I did and hinted that I would want to come back almost immediately. 

I ended up coming back this morning, leaving the hotel without telling her.  Under the circumstances, I do not know what else I could have done.  I am sure that if I told her I was leaving, she would have barricaded me in the room.  I sent her an email at the airport explaining why I was leaving.  I am back in the states now and to my surprise, there is not a response from her.  Very atypical.  I just hope the worse has not happened.

Mav

[hurting300]

At least you told her. I can applaud you for that much.

[Hope0807]

Hello Fly,

Self preservation must surface! Your self preservation surfaced loud and clear and I'm inspired.  Too many cling to be loved by someone, even these persons they are now fully aware are INCAPABLE of loving in a nurturing and whole way.  It sounds like you exhibited a textbook case of what any abuse counselor would script:  recognize the dangerous pattern, become an observer not an absorber, stay calm, plan plan plan, get out and stay out, don't look back or feel guilty when the abuser continues to make apologies or promises that they NEVER followed through on before.

This post of your plan was one of the most resiliently brave and forthright I have seen on this entire forum.  Yes, it was shocking and a quite a bit concerning to know that it was planned, fell on Christmas, and you essentially deserted her…HOWEVER………

the pain and devastation the disordered persons leave behind buries us deep.  We all hide and hold on in mourning, in wait of their next contact.  I don't!  I don't ever want to hear from mine again and am only bound to him temporarily with some issues over a home that must be sold.  Other than that, my mind and emotions are seriously screwed up from years of manipulation, but I will be heal and whole again.  I thought I was immune to something like this.  I thought I'd see his breed of crazy coming from a mile away.  I didn't.  I suffered…BIG time.  If I had the means of providing my ex with a one way ticket to another planet, I would have!  Seriously.  It's honestly where mine belongs.  He's more ASPD than BPD and I believe his future is a total coin toss.  My ex will either devastate someone else like he did me, or his magic act will carry him through the rest of his life.  Either way, I have to heal enough to not care when news of either comes my way.

You didn't leave her in a far off land without anyone to reach out to.  You put her back in her home, where she is loved and has support and familiarity.  Her behaviors were shredding you of those very things in your own place of "home".

Kudos to your strength and I wish you well tonight, tomorrow, and always.  

[Fly Like An Eagle]

Dear Hope0807 and all,

What a wonderful posting you just left me, it brought me emotional chills.

The fact is that without the input from all here, this would not have gone as smooth as it did today.  It was still painful to leave, I was still having second thoughts before I got on the plane, but once I got back to my home a feeling of calmness started to overcome me.  I am alone tonight this Christmas Eve, which kinda sucks, but I also know that next year's Christmas will be way much better.

I also got word about an hour ago that she is fine given the circumstances, and once I found out that nothing serious had happened to her, I was incredibly relieved.  In addition, just a few minutes ago she sent me some messages wanting to reconcile, and it is now I realize that the long arduous process of little or no contact begins.  But I know this time I will persevere.

All my best to all of you and Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!