Reclaiming my lost self

[flowerpath]

Somewhere along the way, I got off track.  I stopped doing many of the things that I felt good about and drew happiness from.  I started blending in and lost some of myself.  I feel as if I let myself be swallowed alive by this BPD behavior. 

Now I have some answers and am able to put this BPD scenario into perspective.  Thanks, BPD Family.   

I am reclaiming the lost habits that helped me to keep my own personal space better organized and keep my own personal wagon rolling smoother even at the risk of being repeatedly criticized for being “perfect”, doing again some of the activities that I used to enjoy that I stopped because he didn’t like to do them or found some reason for me not to do them, eating the foods that I like even if he complains about the way the kitchen smells when I cook them, and putting to work once again the talents that I enjoy pursuing, feel so good about, and that benefit others even though he complains that I’m doing something for someone else besides him.

To do all of this instead of just survive this behavior from day to day.  That’s the road I’m taking now.  It may be uphill, but I’ve got my hiking boots on.

[Popcorn71]

Somewhere along the way, I got off track.  I stopped doing many of the things that I felt good about and drew happiness from.  I started blending in and lost some of myself.  I feel as if I let myself be swallowed alive by this BPD behavior. 

I am reclaiming the lost habits that helped me to keep my own personal space better organized and keep my own personal wagon rolling smoother even at the risk of being repeatedly criticized for being “perfect”, doing again some of the activities that I used to enjoy that I stopped because he didn’t like to do them or found some reason for me not to do them, eating the foods that I like even if he complains about the way the kitchen smells when I cook them,

Since I was dumped by my xBPDh these are things I have enjoyed.  I realised that I gave up so much to keep him happy.  Simple things like eating the food I enjoy instead of what he liked, makes me so happy.  I love being able to watch what I want on TV or turn it off and enjoy some quiet time instead of watching crappy reality shows that he always watched.  I could list so much more.  As time goes on I discover more and more about myself and see many more ways that I changed to please him.

Doesn't it feel great being YOU again?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey flowerpath and popcorn, I lost myself for a while there, too, after giving up friends, family and the activities that brought me joy, all to avoid getting raged at by my BPDx.  Thing is, those changes didn't stop the explosions.  When I decided to reclaim my life and said "damn the torpedos" it was the beginning of the end of my marriage, but my first step back on the path out of a dark wood, towards being myself again.  Now I strive to be authentic, which is what it's all about, in my view.  LuckyJim

[BorisAcusio]

Somewhere along the way, I got off track.  I stopped doing many of the things that I felt good about and drew happiness from.  I started blending in and lost some of myself.  I feel as if I let myself be swallowed alive by this BPD behavior.  

I am reclaiming the lost habits that helped me to keep my own personal space better organized and keep my own personal wagon rolling smoother even at the risk of being repeatedly criticized for being “perfect”, doing again some of the activities that I used to enjoy that I stopped because he didn’t like to do them or found some reason for me not to do them, eating the foods that I like even if he complains about the way the kitchen smells when I cook them,

Since I was dumped by my xBPDh these are things I have enjoyed.  I realised that I gave up so much to keep him happy.  Simple things like eating the food I enjoy instead of what he liked, makes me so happy.  I love being able to watch what I want on TV or turn it off and enjoy some quiet time instead of watching crappy reality shows that he always watched.  I could list so much more.  As time goes on I discover more and more about myself and see many more ways that I changed to please him.

Doesn't it feel great being YOU again?

Did you even follow the "story lines" of those trash realities, just to be able to discuss with him what happened?:-)

Looking back, it's quite funny:-)

[Popcorn71]

Did you even follow the "story lines" of those trash realities, just to be able to discuss with him what happened?:-)

Looking back, it's quite funny:-)

I didn't even watch them, but sat playing games on my laptop.  This set him off because I 'paid more attention to the computer' than to him.  Never mind that his eyes were glued to the TV and there was no conversation.  He could do what he wanted but I had to do what he wanted too    It never crossed his mind that if he paid me more attention, I wouldn't need to play games on the computer!

[borderdude]

How can people walk that  far down the road and miss all the red lights?

[Crumbling]

 

Hey, flowerpath... .I always want to write 'flowerpower' for your handle instead of ' ath'... .maybe I'm picking up a 'vibe' 

You've got the power!

Seriously tho, I'm with you on this path of self rediscovery.  I don't know if I've really lost myself, but I have certainly put myself on the back shelf, hidden away from real life for a really long time, just fighting thru each day, like you said, just to get through it.  No more.  I need to start weaving purpose into each day, and have a plan that doesn't revolve around not having my BPDh dysregulate daily. 

I may only have a little corner of the house, but it's my corner.  And I will make it what I wish. And so will you!

  Cheers to a Brave New Year,

c.

[Trog]

I think this is the most important issue in our recovery from these relationships. Many of us bent over backwards doing things, watching things, eating things we didn't want to to try to take our vows seriously, we were encouraged to do these things and if not were bad partners and told so.

Any time I attempted to assert myself or put my foot down it ended in guilt on my part up to the point where I was paying for her friends to have fun and eat, not just her! She saw my hard work and built up wealth as nothing I had earned but that i should give it all away but not to my family, which she resented me doing but to her family friends and her. I was an extension of her purse and to this day she owns no part of that I think she fully believes that is totally fine and she even believes I Owe her! She didn't pay any rent/mortgage/bills despite having her own well paid job. My money was her money and her money was her money, probably i owe this just for the very pleasure of sharing her bed. I won't continue that thoight as it triggers anger in myself.

How did we miss the red flags? It doesn't start that way, it starts the opposite way, her never accepting a thing and paying50/50 or saying she liked my likes, that's why I went for her, then the not liking of anything i ever wanted to do crept in over time. It didn't start my eating her diet, the nagging and disapproval meant I would try and 'respect her' opinions on food and I volunteered it not only this but she would shut me down sexually and emotionally if I didn't eat her diet.  She even told me at the end she would divorce me if I wouldn't be vegetarian! Urgh, it ain't love!

But reclaiming all we were and things we enjoyed is a huge part of the healing, I do what I want now, I play games, I cook the food I love, i golf, I go down the pub with friends i go to concerts. The very first thing my T told me was go out an enjoy the things i used to enjoy and at the beginning I couldn't even remember what they were! Radio is tuned to my station, TV too, food in the cupboards, bedtime is mine, clothes are, and I can spend on anything I want! It's beautiful. It would make her angry to know I was spending on myself she is entirely convinced she is entitled to control me. I find it nonsense. I don't understand why anyone would do that.

[flowerpath]

Hey, y’all.   Enjoy that food, that show, that music, the clothes, that little corner that’s all yours, and the other incredibly simple, true-to-yourself things that some others would take for granted! 

The red flags?  I saw most of them, and even though they bothered me, I minimized them, and focused on the positive traits. 

Crumbling, I almost typed flowerpower as my handle, but chose flowerpath instead because the picture in my mind of walking down a quiet, flower-lined path is one of of beauty and peace.  And peace is something I crave.

Oh, yeah.  I recently ate some delicious seaweed!  I got it at Walmart.  Ha!  It’s the little things….