The new guy: is there real evidence that he will receive the same treatment?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Seems to be a common thread on this Board. I wonder the same thing: after eight years of marriage, my XW "fell in love" with a guy she'd been sleeping with for maybe a month. I divorced her and she moved in with him.

My daughter informed me they are getting married. Part of me fears that maybe she indeed is in love, has changed for him, etc.  But part of me is quite confident the same pattern will repeat; she is still in the idealization phase. Looking back on our relationship, I believe I was nothing special, and it would have ended if we hadn't had children--though I did love her very much and was committed for better or worse. Her previous relationships fit a pattern: idealization, devaluation, discard.

She has literally never been alone since she was a teenager. She would have a boyfriend, meet new supply, break her boyfriend's heart, and the cycle would repeat. I seriously doubt this guy is the one to "cure her." Time will tell. In my case it took many years, but all the red flags were there, in hindsight.

Thanks for posting this!

[milo1967]

Seems to be a common thread on this Board. I wonder the same thing: after eight years of marriage, my XW "fell in love" with a guy she'd been sleeping with for maybe a month. I divorced her and she moved in with him.

My daughter informed me they are getting married. Part of me fears that maybe she indeed is in love, has changed for him, etc.  But part of me is quite confident the same pattern will repeat; she is still in the idealization phase. Looking back on our relationship, I believe I was nothing special, and it would have ended if we hadn't had children--though I did love her very much and was committed for better or worse. Her previous relationships fit a pattern: idealization, devaluation, discard.

She has literally never been alone since she was a teenager. She would have a boyfriend, meet new supply, break her boyfriend's heart, and the cycle would repeat. I seriously doubt this guy is the one to "cure her." Time will tell. In my case it took many years, but all the red flags were there, in hindsight.

Thanks for posting this!

[enlighten me]

Milo my exwife and I were together 14 years. She has remarried and had a kid. Its not a good relationship. I spoke to her yesterday as her husband had a massive blow up at my son. She opemly spoke to me about leaving her husband. Her mum has told me she said she was going to leave him the day after the wedding.

It is poosible for them to find a match but highly unlikely. My ex has had moments of self awareness but has buried them. Its so much easier for them to blame everyone else than take responsibility for their part in it.

I dont doubt that your exs marriage will eventually fail.

[CareTaker]

Yip, the new guy will get the same treatment, if your ex suffers from BPD. No doubt about that. Although many of the pics you see on FB, actually show the opposite, that is just smoke and mirrors. But we all know what happens behind closed doors.

The duration of the relationship, depends on how deep the emotional dysfunction of each partner is. According to a book I just read: The Human Magnet Syndrome, why we love people who hurt us by Ross Rosenberg; if one partner is extreme BPD and the other extreme co-dependent the relationship can actually work. Because opposites attract and that is the very reason you got involved in the first place. On paper it works very well, and many of you have been in these relationships for years. Myself, 3 years before I walked out. Although the relationship is totally dysfunctional, the co-dependent finds it difficult to leave and lives with the abuse.

But in most cases there comes a time when the relationship ends, with devastating results.

There are cases where these couples do stay together. Like my parents. They where married for more than 50 years. But that was a different time, and with all the social networking these days I don't think many of these relationships last that long.

If you dated or married someone with BPD, don't blame them for your current situation. You will most probably find the fault in yourself. Correct that so you have an opportunity to experience a loving relationship.

All the best for 2015. I am looking forward to it and the challenges it brings.

[Perfidy]

I tried to post a reply to your thread earlier and for some reason it was moved. I'm not sure why. Directly, and in short, to answer your question of anything real. No. There is no real evidence that the next partner she has will receive the same treatment that you did.  Everything posted in response to your reply has a biased tone. The reality is that, with someone else, the dynamic will be different. Maybe better, maybe not. The question that arises, is, why should you care? and that should be your focus. I'm sorry that you're suffering. I hope it gets better, and I know it will.

[mimmo]

Thanks Guys

You see Perfidy, it is important to me because I still think that I was the crazy one.

This agaist any real evidence I  heard from my close friends, my doughter, some registrations I done of her raging on me etc and the evidence of 4 broken doors under her punches. All told me that she has problem and they asked me how I was able to resist. Well, strange to say but I still think that I was the bad one.

I am thinking that maybe, when she called me with names if I only was a bit different , ie no reacting at her saying that maybe there is a misunderstanding, maybe you have not well explained me etc etc that things can be better. She left me after 13 years of very very intense relationship togheter mixed with very terrible times with switching fast moods and de valuation,

How I cannot suffer ?The new guy told me that he do not fight with her at all and that I should investigate why I was not able to do,like him. Terrible to hear that.

You see , hearing that the same guy has right now the same my treatment give me a sort of value about me and that I was not crazy

By the way, I asked to her old partner before me and he told me that she was crazy and nervous for stupid things

Deep surprise , at the beginning my ex told me that he was a real crazy ass... .le!

Mimmo

[Infern0]

Thanks Guys

You see Perfidy, it is important to me because I still think that I was the crazy one.

This agaist any real evidence I  heard my close friends, my doughter, some registrations I done of her raging on me etc and the evidence of 4 broken doors under her punches

I am thinking that maybe, when she called me with names if I only was a bit different , ie no reacting at her saying that maybe there is a misunderstanding, maybe you have not well explained me etc etc that things can be better. She left me after 13 years of very very intense relationship togheter mixed with very terrible times with switching fast moods and de valuation,

How I cannot suffer ?The new guy told me that he do not fight with her at all and that I should investigate why I was not able to do,like him. Terrible to hear that.

You see , hearing that the same guy has right now the same my treatment give me a sort of value about me and that I was not crazy

By the way, I asked to her old partner before me and he told me that she was crazy and nervous for stupid things

Deep surprise , at the beginning my ex told me that he was a real crazy ass... .le!

Mimmo

Don't belive everything you see and hear.

My replacement tells everyone how happy he is and how great their relationship is.

I know for a fact that he's in counselling for depression,  relapsing on his drug addiction,  being denied sex for over 3 months and his girlfriend is cheating on him.

His life is a horror story

[Perfidy]

Mimmo, what you are experiencing is understandable. Your questioning of your own sanity indicates that you are perfectly normal. Crazy people don't question their sanity. Self examination is the mark of a well grounded person. You're not crazy, just a little shocked. Now is the time to place all of your focus on you. It's hard, I know.