I saw her tonight...

[KeepOnGoing]

... .and I am just fine. I went to church, and she was there. Now mind you, she hasn't spoken to me or seen me in six months. She walked up to me (I was already seated in a pew). I said, "Merry Christmas." She  asked if she could give me a hug. I agreed to it. Kept my boundary up. She sat next to me during the whole service.

When the service was over, I expected to just say "Merry Christmas" again and head out the door. Instead, she asked if I could sit with her. I did. I kept my boundary up high. She asked tons of questions about work, family, my boots. I answered, without giving too much away. I didn't ask her anything about her life. Don't need to know. She did volunteer she's still having trouble with her teeth, needing surgery, (yawn... .did not allow myself to get hooked again by this waif). Only said how sorry I was to hear it. She did say that I had done so much for her during her last episodes with her teeth. (No sht. Thanks for the acknowledgment, at least.)

Then we walked out together, and said good bye. I didn't ask to hug her, and she didn't ask for one either. So we just said good bye and walked to our cars.

In some weird way, this was as close to closure as I know I'm going to get. I'm glad she was gracious. I'm not surprised that she didn't mention the separation, or her needing "time and space apart" or her splitting me, painting me black, never to be heard from again.

I knew there was a chance I might run into her tonight, but I wanted to go to church. I didn't care if she showed up or not. If she did show up, I didn't care if she snubbed me. I only cared about worshiping.

She kept saying she had been wondering when or if she would see me again at this service. The only small thing I did say was that I knew she had asked for time and space apart, but I felt the church was big enough.

I'm really proud of myself. I'm well aware that a call or text may follow. I will deal with that if it does. I will not answer or respond without talking to my therapist and sponsor first.

When I did talk to my sponsor tonight once I got home... .I did start to slip into trying to figure it all out. I found myself a couple of times wanting to say to my BPD friend while sitting there together after the service, WTF? What happened to you? Where did you go?

My sponsor says, "Be grateful you can't figure it out. If you could, it would mean your mind would be as disordered as hers." Good point.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to me. Feels like big healing, big progress, big movement.  

[Deeno02]

Awesome! That will be about the same amount of time till I'm forced to see my ex as volleyball season kicks off. You did what I plan to do. Indifference, not to much info asked or given. I'm not doing the hug thing though. It's been 4 months now and haven't seen or heard from her at all. Weird because she lives 4-5 blocks away from me. Thank god! Anyway, great job!

[KeepOnGoing]

Awesome! That will be about the same amount of time till I'm forced to see my ex as volleyball season kicks off. You did what I plan to do. Indifference, not to much info asked or given. I'm not doing the hug thing though. It's been 4 months now and haven't seen or heard from her at all. Weird because she lives 4-5 blocks away from me. Thank god! Anyway, great job!

Thanks, Deeno. That means a lot coming from you. Hang in there.

[songdog09]

You're stronger than I am right now but my divorce was just final last week.

As far as I can recall the last time I spoke to mt xBPDw was the day I came home from work and all of the locks had been changed. A LOT lead up to this happening but I never expected her to escalate to locking me out of the house! With no warning! I actually had no idea what my ex wife was capable of doing until we got to this point. She has absolutely no boundaries when it comes to hurting others or beating me to the punch and to hurt me first!

Sorry. Still pretty fresh in my mind... .

Back to the relevant point I was making. The last time I talked to my xBPDw was that day and I called her to ask her why my key wasn't working and she told me I would need up get the police if I wanted to come to the house. I did that (having already decided the day before I was going to move out anyway). I thought I better get the police. Anyone crazy enough to lock a person out of their home probably needs to be supervised by a cop... .

I dread the day that I will see her again. Through some manipulative legal wrangling she managed to go through the entire divorce process without ever having to see me or talk to me directly. The scene with the police was in mid October and we were divorced two months later.

Ever feel like you've been totally erased?

I love the way you handled yourself. Very dignified and you took the high road, which has remained my slogan this entire process.

[KeepOnGoing]

Hi Songdog,

Sorry to hear about your troubles, and to hear how horribly you were treated. This disorder is so baffling, isn't it? Can't get too close, and yet BPDs really crave connection. It is such a terrible disorder, it really is, and we are left wondering what the heck just happened.

Hang in there, and keep hanging out here on this site. I have also been in therapy three days a month, and it has helped tremendously. Also, no contact for several months helps a lot.

Hope you have a great holiday, and thanks for your kinds words.