I've always managed to somehow justify staying

[Whitebread]

Since I left him 3 weeks ago.  

It's been a long time coming, I've always managed to somehow justify staying--telling myself he wouldn't be okay without me there to take care of him.  That he needed to have someone who cared about him to rant to about the latest political fiasco, or his distrust of government or whatever the topic du jour was.  Besides, he wasn't yelling AT me, he was just venting.  

He was brilliant.  

He had a unique way of looking at things, a perspective that I'd never considered.  

I was okay with it not being a discussion, frankly the speed at which his brain (and mouth) functioned was dizzying.  

And then one day the inevitable happened: I became the topic of the rants.  My shortcomings.  My  faults.  My family.  My inability to communicate.  And I sat there stunned.  Trying to figure out what brought this on, what did I do?  I was completely blindsided.  

That was the first couple months of our relationship.  I was baffled at his mood swings, I'd never met anyone who was like this.  Former friends who couldn't be around him anymore nodded knowingly saying he was just too intense.  And for Nine years it repeated... I never knew when I was going to be in the hot seat.

And for the next NINE years I stupidly tried to figure it out.  Tried everything I could think of to appease him.  To make life more peaceful.  To make sense out of the bizarre behavior.  All the while on an emotional rollercoaster of being his best friend and love of his life one day, and the devil incarnate the next.  

And along the way, I, my identity, my individuality was lost, replaced by everything him.  I did not know where I ended and he began.  His needs.  His moods.  His projects.  His wants.  His feelings.   It was never ever about me.  (Even when I got cancer... .it was only about how hard it was for HIM to see me sick.  Uh,Yeah.)

And it all happened slowly, so slowly that I didn't notice it.  Until, I was consumed.  

And it took an argument of epic proportions caused by a 3 day manic episode where for the first time in all his rages and violence of the past, he crossed the line and hit me... the physical blow he dealt me finally jarred me back to reality.  It literally was an awakening.  

Today marks 3 wks since I left, 3 wks NC.  I've slept most of 2 weeks.  I've talked to my best girlfriend every morning, thrilled to have the quiet to do so... no one is trying to talk to me while I'm having a phone conversation... .no one is throwing a tantrum that the attention was not on HIM for a whole 20 minutes.  I've done something just for me each and every day.  And I'm slowly remembering how to smile and laugh again.  

It will be a long road of self discovery and finding out why I was in a fog for so long, why I allowed it, but I'm so very grateful for the information provided here.  

[downwhim]

Whitebread,

I am so sorry for all you have been through with your narcissistic ex. He sounds so much like my exBPD they could be the same man. So selfish and egotistic. It was always about him even though before he left he said he was tired of it being all about me...

I wondered many times with his rages if it was ever going to turn physical. His veins would pop out and his eyes turned black and he was a different man within seconds. Many times it was over stupid stuff like why I changed lanes while driving. I felt belittled, rejected, ashamed and frightened all at the same time. My stomach would turn knots.

I spent 8 years trying to appease him. Thinking he was my world. My friends like yours said he was too intense and hard to talk to. They would check in with me to make sure he was not physical with me. He hates the government, everyone is against him and cheating him in some way. When it comes to money he watches every penny. I am not kidding. One gas station would charge him one penny over the amount every time and he blew up, called the manager and then called whoever regulates the gas stations and went into a screaming rage. This was over $0.01!

I hope that you will use this forum to heal and grow. When you read about others experiences and read through the lessons it will prove your not crazy and will fill in those lonely times with knowledge. We all have so much in common. We are all hurting from the effects of this personality disorder. We too have come to know we are flawed and were attracted to these crazies.

I am so sorry about your cancer. He was unsympathetic and you needed a solid rock instead of an all about me guy, immature idoit. Life can be taken from us so quickly at anytime and it is frightening experiencing what you did.

Be strong. He may contact you out of guilt. He may try and reconnect because he is lonely. Do not let him fool you. Stay N/C. It has been 72 days for me. Very hard to do but in the long run I know this is the only way.

My ex set up a replacement before his email calling off our engagement. No class just bam, your gone, she is in and you really meant nothing to me. I could never trust him again.

[Whitebread]

Thank you Downwhim, it is a great comfort to know it really IS them, not us.  I've spent hours reading here and there have literally been similarities to him in every story ( with the exception of infidelity) it's mindboggling.  He was dx.years ago with ADHD, depression and a couple yrs. ago with BiPolar, but I firmly believe he also has BP.  He refused to get treatment for anything but meds for depression.  No therapy.

Freaking out over seemingly minor things was definitely one of his symptoms.  And road rage.  I used to be in knots, hoping we'd make it home alive, and finally the last few yrs refused to go unless I drove.  If someone cut him off, he said they endangered our lives and he HAD to "teach them a lesson".  If I pointed put that by chasing someone down at high speed and forcing them off the road he was endangering our lives, it simply did not compute to him.

I survived the cancer, thank you... .but while in the ER for complications a day after I was dischd from a week after surgery, he was SO out of it, pacing, wound up... .that the staff told him to return to my treatment room to protect the privacy of other patients.  I was concentrating on drinking ct scan contrast medium and keeping it down, apparently the ordeal of having to watch that was too much for the poor thing and he refused.  Long story short, he ended up being tased in the ER by the state police and arrested and taken away. Again, it was about him and his discomfort.  He refused to see how I felt--scared, alone, maybe facing a major problem, and watching that fiasco.  Wow.  How selfish of me!

I'm sorry to learn yours was so cold and hurtful to email you a break up... .it amazes me that they cannot have empathy or compassion.  I guess they look to us to be that which they are not?  Maybe that is part of their attraction to us.  Glad you made it out as well, there is strength in numbers and I'm thankful to be among such strength. 

[downwhim]

I like to call my time in the car with my ex road intensities. He could not stand anyone on the road. He gave dirty looks to people that passed him or people that just did not drive like he wanted them to. I remember one time he said we had to get to his doctor appointment in California even thought it was snowing here and the roads were like a sheet of ice with several inches of snow on top. He does not drive great in this type of weather. We slid all over two lanes and did a one eighty before he finally turned around and we drove slowly back home... .He swore and then made a long distant call to his dad to say how great he did in the maneuvering of the vehicle. He drove like an idiot!

Another time he screamed at me for stopping and allowing a car to make a right turn into a driveway in front of me. He said it was a dumb thing to do and to NEVER do that again when he was in the car!  and many more stories... I got PTSD from him.

[Pingo]

  

Hi Whitebread, I am so sorry for what you have been through.  Like downwhim, I can relate to a lot of what you experienced with your ex.  That must have been so scary being in the ER with your own very difficult thing going on and he's getting tasered.  Wow!  I always worried about what would happen if I got really sick while with my ex.  I couldn't imagine him being able to support me very well. 

I can also relate to the road rage.  It got so ridiculous that on our last vacation together I said I'd never go on another one!  He managed to ruin every trip we went on with the exception of maybe the first one.

Mine also was afraid of the government, had many conspiracy theories and there was no way I could influence him in any way.  It was very exhausting to listen to his negativity as he would go on and on about being the victim of this and that.  Everything and everyone had to revolve around him.

I also feared that one day mine would get physically violent towards me.  And after 4 yrs together he did.  He didn't hit me, he grabbed me and tried to toss me out of the bed.  I threatened to call the police and he stopped.  This is when I knew I had to end our marriage. 

So glad you found this site, keep posting and reading, it helps a lot!  And keep doing those good things for yourself every day!   

[Elpis]

So many things I recognize from what all of you have said!

I still believe that in many ways my uBPDh was simply protecting himself (which is first order of business for someone suffering from BPD, above all else!) but I remember thinking how weird it was when I was in the hospital after I nearly died and had to have emergency surgery, and he would barely ever visit. First of all, with your wife in the hospital touch and go, would you still carpool to work or would you IF you went to work take your own car so you could leave immediately? I mean, I understand that working kept him focused on something, but when they called him saying "we have to operate on your wife today or she'll die" he had to find somebody to get him back home 45 minutes away. And after the surgery, yes I know he was walking funny and had a sore back, but visit me! Lots of other friends did.

And a week or two after my sister died and I was a thorough mess, he decided to work overtime on the weekend, leaving me alone.

It's just so puzzling.

And the negativity, oh the negativity! I used to tell him his negativity was going to kill me one day, but as it turned out I just left instead. I've been gone 10 months and I just did an art project for my grandkids for Christmas and it was pure joy! I felt so squished mentally and emotionally at home that I couldn't be creative, and the feel of a brush and paint was amazing... .

Here's to us getting our lives back!   

[Elpis]

And i'm really sorry Whitebread about the cancer and all, but the mental picture of your husband getting tazed and taken away by the police is just too much for me... .it did make me giggle! It's like a really terrible movie, yunno?

[Whitebread]

LOL... .Elpis!  At the time it was far from funny obviously... .but I will admit to a certain satisfaction watching them cart him off... .I remember thinking "there you s.o.b... .finally!"

They had to zap him twice, first time he really didnt react, very bizarre.

If you think that was funny, the two officers involved were then of course "on the list" and fodder for many many rants about authority and how they abused him, he was a victim, blah blah blah ad nauseum... .He HATES these guys, and given they both lived in our small town, he would periodically run into them and glare at them. 

Well, when I left 3 weeks ago he was in a pretty enraged state, and I phoned his adult son to say I'd left, here's why, I have the dogs, and you might want to check on your Dad.  Three days later I got a text from his son telling me my ex's employer was worried that he hadn't gone to work... .hadnt called in... .so they called the police to do a welfare check on him.  Guess which two officers went to the house?  To his house!  His domain!  WOW!

Now THAT is funny!

[Elpis]

I had to laugh out loud that time! BAHAHAHAAAA!

[whythisgirl]

I sorry you went through so much pain but glad that you are now experiencing happiness. This happiness will help you find your true self. Your story sounds like mine but I was in for less than a year. His crazy rants about other things then led to my communication was bad, then calling me liars/cheater, then not doing anything right in his eyes. Now his gaslighting is portraying me as being crazy/psycho. I then started calling him out on being mentally unstable and this upsethhim and he got worst each week. He knows something isn't right with himself, iinthe beginning he always ask me is he normal and what is normal. So he knows deep down he isn't normal and I hope one day he decides to get help. Its been 1 week NC and he reaches out every now and then but we end up back to NC.

[Whitebread]

Whythisgirl, I'm sorry you had to endure one minute of this kind of craziness... .I believe they do know something is wrong, that their reactions are not what is considered normal.  And I can imagine that must be a horrible realization for them... but not enough to delve into the hows and whys.  No one wants to look into their own dark side.

Early in our relationship during a tender moment my ex looked at me very earnestly and said " be careful, I'm not right"

I had no idea what he meant, I'd yet to have any indication of his true self at that time.  But it became very clear eventually.

He isn't right. 

I hope you too are having more happiness than sorrow in your life now, NC is hard, especially now, but the only way we can protect ourselves and heal.   And maybe they too will figure it out... .i hold hope that mine will, and have a happier life.  I just know I can't be a part of it.

[Faith1520]

He had a unique way of looking at things, a perspective that I'd never considered.  

I was okay with it not being a discussion, frankly the speed at which his brain (and mouth) functioned was dizzying.  

My ex would think and speak extremely fast. I couldn't keep up. Especially when things got heated because he would go even faster, firing things off carelessly. and moving from one thing to another before I could even get a word in, let alone a thought. And there was no choice whether it was a discussion - it was always a discussion. He could beat a dead horse like no other.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through and I'm glad you're here with us!

[Faith1520]

Freaking out over seemingly minor things was definitely one of his symptoms.  And road rage.  I used to be in knots, hoping we'd make it home alive, and finally the last few yrs refused to go unless I drove.  If someone cut him off, he said they endangered our lives and he HAD to "teach them a lesson".  If I pointed put that by chasing someone down at high speed and forcing them off the road he was endangering our lives, it simply did not compute to him.

Mine had a bit of road rage, too. Not to that extent, but if someone cut him off or did something he thought was wrong it would bother him the rest of the day and maybe even the next. I know now that it was due to his right/wrong, black/white thinking. Which also led him to believe that the rest of the world for the most part was bad and does things so wrong. He also felt that he needed to teach the world a lesson. Including me. One of our worst fights started when during a disagreement he told me he was trying to teach me something. The words combined with his tone was so condescending. I pointed out that I didn't need him to teach me anything because he was not my teacher, he was my boyfriend. That set him off in a rage. His words hurt me so bad I actually started bawling right there in a public place. Ugh.

[Elpis]

  He also felt that he needed to teach the world a lesson. Including me. One of our worst fights started when during a disagreement he told me he was trying to teach me something. The words combined with his tone was so condescending. I pointed out that I didn't need him to teach me anything because he was not my teacher, he was my boyfriend. That set him off in a rage. His words hurt me so bad I actually started bawling right there in a public place. Ugh.

My uBPDh's favorite style of communicating with me seems to be condescension!

There really does seem to be a component in many pwBPD of needing to be in the one-up position, having to be the Smarter, the Wiser, the Better In All Ways one. That is my uBPDh for sure. I guess that's why they can't seem to have a reciprocal relationship, they aren't able to see us as their equal.

(And guilting is his second fave. )