3 years out next week. After lots of lies and BS I thought it was finally behind us. We had a great Xmas with GED family and then the lies warred up this time. I hadn't just been played with one guy but two and the second is now her husband, he has bought her the house of her dreams and I understand she is pregnant. I went from pure happiness to hell from Christmas Day to two dates later. Three years on I am in a deep dark depression and barely exist. I loved Xmas. I thought I was about to start a family with her. I do not know how I will get through this week. Three years out I should not be broken but I am.
Really, have you built a new life since your breakup? When I have a difficult time getting over a loss, I really try to understand what I'm upset about specifically and why. I have a tendency to attach my happiness to expectations at times and when things don't pan-out as I hoped, I feel terribly lost and I have to sort out how much of it is bruised ego and how much of the experience opened up old wounds, how much of it is my resistance to change, etc... I'm a woman but I know from experience that men often put so much heart and pride into providing for their mates that they often attach their self worth to those things. Maybe your ego is so bruised that it is preventing you from feeling worthy and happy because she has ' the house' and is pregnant and appears to be happy and secure with this new man. Our perception of others is always relative to how we are feeling in the moment so don't waste time making assumptions about her life. When I'm unhappy, everyone else in the world looks very happy! I think about what it will be like for me if my husband finds a new woman and they are happy, etc... .because truthfully, he has ruined my life to such a degree that I'll be trying to rebuild it for the rest of my life. If another woman comes along who is happy tolerating his childhish and irresponsible behavior, I admit that it will annoy me a bit that once again, he was rescued and is living the high life while I'm still suffering the damage from our relationship. I know that will happen to me because my husband is a very sly shyster and he always finds someone to take care of him. As justified as I may be in resenting his happiness with someone else, I know that it's counter-productive to think that way and that I should be glad that he's out of my life and that someone else is taking care of him. Try to focus on the good in your life and not waste time focused on what you don't have. Is there something you could do for Christmas like volunteering that would fill you with the Christmas spirit? I found the ad for the volunteer chef on Craig's list and ended up volunteering for two days. I loved it.
This is a very difficult holiday season for me. I lost both of my dogs who were my only source of joy and companionship and even though Christmas was always very special for me and I put all of my heart and soul into it for everyone, I haven't done anything this year. I spent Thanksgiving at a Mission as a chef and I'm not sure what I want to do for Christmas. I don't have any family and I don't any friends to spend it with. I'm still trapped in my horrible marriage with my BPD husband who is wearing me down. I had hoped to be a new home with a job by now and I don't seem to be making any progress. Every day that I wake up to my life feels so heavy and unbearable and yet, I get up and just put one foot in front of the other.
