The Cycle continues.

[Targeted]

My uBPDexgf in our last emails 22 days ago now was asking to meet for closure which I declined, she then said that she believes she found somebody who is going to love her! I responded to that with I am happy for you but you staying  in contact with all your exes killed our relationship and I do not want to take part in the destruction of your new one and then I went NC, it is probably wrong of me to do but sometimes curiosity kills the cat and I looked on her dating site this morning and low and behold she was on there with in the last 24 hours! I guess the new love has already ran its course, my guess is her high relationship demands with immediately putting the Financial responsibility of four more children for Christmas on him was a    enough to run and the POA he found on POF was no longer worth it. I'm ok with the seeing her on the site now, it only helps me stay NC but I feel bad for my ex best friend and lover because I really loved her and still do, I would have taken on BPD with her if she made the decision to want help, I feel bad for her also because not only would therapy be very tough, finding a man to support her through that would be even tougher at her age, she threw that guy out!-- ME!  The garbage may have been picked up but I think I hear the recycling truck coming?

[going places]

I recycled many times... .

Today? I look back and say: WOW dumb arce, you wasted THREE YEARS of your life.

Wasted.

Never to return.

GONE.

There is no 'reset button' on life.

DUH

Given the chance to KNOW what I know today... .and take it back with me to 1996?

I would have NEVER recycled the first time... .

25 years and COUNTLESS recycles has spent my youth like a cheap dime.

Draw a firm line in the sand.

DO NOT look at the social media.

RE train your brain to do something positive, productive, and to better YOU.

[Targeted]

Thank you going places,

I do not constantly look, I do have a firm line drawn in the sand but I am happy that I looked today, it reaffirms my belief that I was only part of a cycle not a relationship like I thought. It actually put me in a better place with the reality of it all, I can say that I love her because that is real, her not really being able to allow herself to be loved for any length of time in a healthy way is also a reality, if the recycling truck comes by I will have nothing to add.   I am absolutely not interested in recycling! I have already done that and it did not work. But I have to deal with the reality of myself too and who I am, I know my weak points, she does too.

With all the knowledge I have gained on this site not only about her but myself as well I know my  weak points  that I have left would be if she committed herself to therapy, The other one would be being able to tell if her commitment was real or a manipulation.  So far NC is working best for me.