cautious optimism...

[howcanI?]

Checking in. Had a fabulous discussion about empathy vs. compassion with therapist.  Seems it IS possible for me (us) to be supportive and empathetic WITHOUT encouraging DH's reverting to childhood emotional state!

Also getting better at determining boundaries and being willing/able to maintain them.  But DH is a remarkably smart fellow and has found two NEW triggers for me.  But at least I recognized it instantly!   

One change I am working on, and I hope it helps the rest of you dealing with a profoundly ungrateful B and NPD spouse: whenever I feel myself running out to buy something, or making changes in order to please him, I take a beat and ask myself, "If he were not here, is this something I would buy/do for myself?"  If the answer is "yes", I go for it.  If the answer is no at least I am conscious of the likelihood of a negative reponse and can only blame myself.  As a dear friend says, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me 90 times, shame on me!" 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Checking in. Had a fabulous discussion about empathy vs. compassion with therapist.  Seems it IS possible for me (us) to be supportive and empathetic WITHOUT encouraging DH's reverting to childhood emotional state!

Also getting better at determining boundaries and being willing/able to maintain them.   

I think it's great that you are gathering new insights and finding your way, howcanI?   

I'm curious how you are applying that new knowledge; what happened--or how did you do it--"to be supportive and empathetic WITHOUT encouraging DH's reverting to childhood emotional state!"

What boundaries did you get better at following through with? And how?

Do tell... .Inquiring minds want to know, howcanI? 

[Crumbling]

 

I practice the same technique to what I say when we are in a heated conversation:

"why do I want to say this?  Am I saying this to help me, or to hurt him?"  Seems to work pretty good, if I can stay grounded.   

I love reading about success stories!  Great work!

c.

[believer55]

"If he were not here, is this something I would buy/do for myself?"

Thank you howcanI... .I am soaking up all these bits of advice and trying them all. Also thanks Crumbling

"why do I want to say this?  Am I saying this to help me, or to hurt him?"

Another one I think I will try - so hard tho stop and think these logical things though when your head is pounding and you just want them to go away. Deep breaths!

[Crumbling]

 , Believer.

It is hard, really hard.  That's why we call it a process.  It takes practice and you will not always remember to do it.  But the more you remember, and the more you see how it helps, at the very least keep the situation at a manageable level, then you are more apt to remember to use it.

Merry Wednesday!

c.

[howcanI?]

Dear Rapt, et al:  thanks for the many kind words re my last post! they were greatly appreciated, especially today as I am back to "howcanI LIVE with this!"

I have got to say this, and I KNOW it is vicious and unhelpful, so please save the condemnation (not that any of you would!) My bestie has a sense of humor dark enough to match my own.  He also has a wife who, if not borderline, has a whole raft of diagnoses waiting for the right doctor.  Anyhoo, it goes like this: If our spouse would drive to the grocery store or anywhere else, and after several hours the police would come to the door and somberly announce, "There's been a terrible accident," our response would probably be, "Well, you're HALF right... ."

Sorry.  

As for the empathy thing, I'm trying it on like this:  if (when) he has another moment of profound sadness rooted in childhood, instead of responding as though I am Mom and he is a child, I respond as though we are both adults.  In other words, if my previously-mentioned bestie were very sad I might touch his hand, let him know that I am sad because he is sad, and sit quietly if that's want he wants/needs.  I would NOT cradle his head, wipe away his tears, and otherwise treat him like a three-year-old.  It's insulting to both of us, as well as a real boundary violation.  So, I am looking to apply that to DH.  Warmth, support, love, but as ADULT spouse to ADULT spouse.  Does that make sense?

[Cat Familiar]

I have got to say this, and I KNOW it is vicious and unhelpful, so please save the condemnation (not that any of you would!) My bestie has a sense of humor dark enough to match my own.  He also has a wife who, if not borderline, has a whole raft of diagnoses waiting for the right doctor.  Anyhoo, it goes like this: If our spouse would drive to the grocery store or anywhere else, and after several hours the police would come to the door and somberly announce, "There's been a terrible accident," our response would probably be, "Well, you're HALF right... ."

... .Warmth, support, love, but as ADULT spouse to ADULT spouse.  Does that make sense?

Thanks for the laugh. I'm right there with you!   

Yes, my BPDh wants me to mother him and comfort him like a child. Hey, he picked ice woman for a reason. Ain't gonna happen.