Thoughts/plans for the New Year

[jedimaster]

I'm not usually one to put much stock in New Year's resolutions, but since I've started down this path of reclaiming myself and my life from my pwBPD, I think it may be a good time to start out the year by getting some of my thoughts and goals in order.  Hence the following list, subject to change/addition/alteration/clarification as needed:

1.  I am going to open up more to those around me.  That includes T, support group, talking to old friends and making new ones.

2.  I am making plans to move my career forward again.  I am in a bit of a holding pattern right now, but there are new opportunities opening up in our business that will be more available to me in the next 1-2 years.  I plan to be ready.

3.  I plan to work harder on my physical fitness.  I eat a pretty healthy diet now and run/workout twice a week.  I want to increase that to at least 3 times a week and tackle those 7-8 pesky pounds that have come back the last few months.  I may experiment with a mostly vegetarian diet, not for any ethical reason but because I like a plant-based diet and it helps me lose weight.

4.  I plan to do some things that I enjoy, and focus on hobbies and interests that I have let slide the last several years.  Most importantly I am NOT going to feel guilty for taking time to do so.

5.  I am going to finish the construction of our house, which has been stalled for about 3 years.

6.  I am going to finish selling off the remaining livestock and get out of farming except for a handful of chickens and a backyard garden.  Hopefully the time this summer that was going to that work can be used to make the yard look nice.

7.  I am going to continue to work on learning more about pwBPD and using the tools on here to hopefully improve our r/s.

8.  I am going to focus more on my spiritual and mental wellbeing.  I have resumed my church attendance and personal devotional time, and meditate a few days a week.  I want to make sure I meditate every day and add back yoga to my spiritual/physical workout.

=== Those are the positive ones, but there is one big one that is as much negative as positive.

-- I have to make mental, physical, and financial preparations for the very real possibility that my marriage may not survive 2015.  I have begun some of the research, but unfortunately I need to make some concrete preparations so that if that occurs I am not blindsided.  So unfortunately the following items have to be added to my New Year's resolutions:

1.  Get as close an estimate as possible of the total costs of a divorce, both contested and uncontested.  Legal fees, support, alimony, etc.

2.  Find out the costs/process of setting up a special needs trust for my son with disabilities, so child support will not affect his SSI.

3.  Make a plan for temporary and permanent living arrangements.

4.  Start putting money in a private account for a legal defense fund.

5.  Spend time on the Leaving and Legal boards on here to better understand what to expect.

6.  Get our house completed and have a good handle on what our joint assets/liabilities are, and how they might be liquidated/divided/disposed of.

7.  Get myself mentally, physically, and spiritually prepared to handle whatever comes.


I truly hope that the second set of resolutions are never needed, but as of today I'd estimate the odds at 50/50.  So I can't afford not to work on them along with the others.

It looks like 2015 is going to be an interesting year for me, one way or the other.  Anybody else have a list for next year?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[flowerpath]

Hi, jedimaster.  I have some thoughts and plans for the new year and called it “reclaiming my lost self” over on the Taking Personal Inventory board.  Mine is a simple list of goals, but each one includes multiple ways that I’ve stopped living true to myself.

1. Put into order the tangible things that are out of order.  That will reduce my stress level and make a clear space in my mind for better things. I know that I will encounter resistance (and have already been told "But I don't want that cleaned up!", but I'm going to keep at it because I know that the results will be good not just for me, but for our family as a whole.

2. Go back to doing the things that I used to do – outdoor activities, church, activities with friends, quiet time. I'll encounter resistance on the outdoor activities too, but I can find safe places where there are lots of people around enjoying the same activities.   

3. Cook food that I like to eat even if he doesn't like the way it smells. 

4. Spend time further developing my talents for the purpose of encouraging other people even if he resents how I am doing something for someone else.  To do this, I will need a quiet heart so I can concentrate. 

I can understand how you are making alternative plans.  The quality of life here has improved through boundaries and by way of not making things worse, so it's almost as if there is a “false peace” in our home. Sticking with it may be a matter of how well I can continue to enforce my boundaries, how much I am willing to bite my tongue rather than tell it like it is, and how well I can accept and live with the fact that this probably won’t ever be a “normal” relationship. 

[believer55]

Thank you both for sharing these lists - I am going to adopt lots of them into my new approach to 2015. I totally understand the notion of "false peace". I find myself saying "it's better at the moment" then I realise its just me biting my tongue and being compliant and his "good" modd will only last a day or two anyway. I am still hoping that we can work on the r/s so am not making alternative plans, but now I am also accepting that his mental health may never improve and that is the way it will be. I hope the new year brings positive changes for you both.

[Yaffle]

I'm just hoping to get some modicum of control back over my life.

Last year I set the target of sorting my relationship out one way or the other.  I've not achived that but I 've at least heard about BPD and concluded that its what she suffers from.  That gives me something to work with in the new year.

Things I need to do include possibly speaking to the police to see how I can gain evidence of her hacking my phone without breaking the law myself!

I also need to set a few more boundaries and enforce them properly.  Included in this is making sure I get me time.  I don't think I'm going to be able to just get this on a whim when I feel like it.  I'm going to have to enlist the support of friends to ensure I make arrangements in advance. 

Onwards and upwards!

And Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year