My Sick Fantasy

[NYMike]

Since I started T and been on here I have found my sick fantasy.After many talks in T and with Friends I want to share my sick fantasy.This kept me involved with her longer than I should of.

I wanted her to ''own'' what her behaviors were doing to me and us.I so badley wanted her to say ''I am Sorry''.I waited and some days I still am stuck on this fact.

I wanted her to be sincere about the Lies,The Leading me on,the manipulation and the deceptions.I wanted her to ''own'' the way she was able to discard me and abandone me at drop of a hat.

I wanted her to see the push/pull was killing me and causing me torment.I wanted her to see that manipulating money from me,based on all Lie's was hurtful.

I wanted her to see what she was doing and just apologize and get the help she needs.But it was always NYMIKE'S FAULT.

So today I am 100% to blame and I may never get that ''I am Sorry Mike'',I was Wrong for the way I did you and caused you a lot of pain.

She has her family,friends and now the courts all against me.She is on the trail to destroy me and this life I worked so hard for.She is very angry at me and told people I destroyed her whole life... This hurts a lot because I gave her a new life.Her life was destroyed before I met her.I tried to help her so very much.

I think I may have to give up on any personal responsibility on her part.

Now here is the weird part.How is it I am willing to sit down like a mature adult and discuss these things?.How is it I am willing to ''own'' my part and say I am sorry?.How is it I am willing to make amends and pay any and all restitution.?How come I was always the one wanting to go to councling and make this all better.?

Does this say a lot about me and the kind of man I am.?

[NonAverageJoe]

You're self aware and still growing on the inside. I echo your sentiments nearly exactly though I have made a clean split with only one recycle though we fought a lot.

I too imagine an apology but if it were to come it would be years from now when all of the enablers and BSers get tired of her etc.

Today I'm focused on me. I'll stay focused on me and I'll be ok. I think that I may have succeeded in being so direct that I'm painted black forever. I half hope for this and I half hope to be love bombed so I can reject her again and tell her I think she needs help.

[Seriously?]

If a pwBPD could fulfill this fantasy you have that probably most of us here have, then they would not be a pwBPD.  For me, that's honestly my fantasy: that he is really who I thought he was, and the past 6 months could be erased.  I am thankful for my personal growth that came out of this, but I've endured a lot in life and never felt as miserable and broken as I have over this experience.

[willtimeheal]

Mike,

I would love that apology too. I feel your pain and hurt. I am willing to take my responsibility in the whole mess and after all her cheating, abuse, and lying... .if she was willing to work on herself and us I would  probably go back to her. I am 72 days NC and I can't believe I am saying that. She hurt me like no one ever has but yet I can't get her out of my head.

[myself]

Don't beat yourself up over it, let it go. It's not sick. You were just trying to find a logical and positive way through a deeply difficult situation. We've all felt those things, and wanted those answers, our variations of them, and more. We're encouraged in life to do our best and work hard. Then we'll meet our goals and be more than successful! BPD throws up too much resistance to that. The freer the better, now. Reality, with less fantasy?

[Turkish]

Is your fantasy really "sick?" or just some kind of closure by she acknowledging your pain?

I pushed mine (verbally, I never touched her in anger), and I finally got a weak apology for her "mistake" which was cheating. Yet she proceeded to throw her juvenile r/s in my face for almost 4 months until she moved out, often neglecting our little kids (or verbally abusing them) all the while. I was depressed, anxious, lost 25 lbs due to stress and not eating. I got a "sorry for not being a better mom" as she left one night (she left a lot of nights) to supposedly go meet her gf. That was the only admission I got over her "teen mom" behaviors. I think stuff like that pissed me off more.

So my fantasy is that she is whole. That she'll stick with therapy instead of abandoning it when she feels better. That she'll realize that she's Parentifying the kids by making them often responsible for her feelings.

I'm still angry, 10 months after she moved out. I still get depressed,.and was feeling anxiety today at work (the holidays, perhaps). I have a right to feel like this, and you have a right to desire your fantasy. Who wouldn't want validation of one's pain? My T shared something with me earlier in the year, "I sense that a lot of your anger stems from you expecting her to be someone she is not." I still struggle with this, and that's ok, too.

Can you accept, NYMike, that your Ex is who she is?

[.cup.car]

This is hardly a sick fantasy. Owning up to your behavior is something responsible people do.

People with BPD are incapable of this.

[NYMike]

This is hardly a sick fantasy. Owning up to your behavior is something responsible people do.

People with BPD are incapable of this.

I am stuck on this.I am so Angry she can't and won't see what she has done.I am working on Letting go of this fantasy.

I am starting to see she has never said she is sorry for anything she has done to me or in her life.So I am sure this is fantasy on my part.

I want her to see the wreckage left,the lies,manipulation,conning me,and the leading me on a dark road to pain and betrayal.

I hope someday my anger in my guts goes away.Right now I appear cool but I am riddled with resentment and anger towards her.If she did call I would not be able to be calm at this point.I am so F-----G MAD and HURT TOWARDS HER it's scary.

[.cup.car]

I am stuck on this.I am so Angry she can't and won't see what she has done.I am working on Letting go of this fantasy.

I am starting to see she has never said she is sorry for anything she has done to me or in her life.So I am sure this is fantasy on my part.

I want her to see the wreckage left,the lies,manipulation,conning me,and the leading me on a dark road to pain and betrayal.

I hope someday my anger in my guts goes away.Right now I appear cool but I am riddled with resentment and anger towards her.If she did call I would not be able to be calm at this point.I am so F-----G MAD and HURT TOWARDS HER it's scary.

She definitely sees it - that's what causes the extreme damage control. In your case (I read some of your other posts), the legal stuff and extreme exaggerations are her deploying what younger folk call "damage control." Older folk call it "shifting the blame" - but it means the same thing. People with BPD know they f****d up bad, it's a personality disorder, not a mental disorder. Your average person will take responsibility for their end of things, someone with BPD will simply throw s**t at you.

I'd say you got royally screwed by the legal stuff though.