The Island of Misfit Toys

[Cole]

We got to do it again. Screaming over things that happened years ago, things that most people would get over and forget about by the next day. Said there is something wrong with her and accused me of not helping her years ago, though I am not a medical professional and did not even know what bipolar or BPD was at the time. Some of the loudest, most out of control screaming I have heard from her. The bad part is the kids do not even get scared anymore, they are used to it.

Culminated in the standard threat to pack up and leave this very minute. I said, "That's fine. Let me know if you need any help." and walked away. 5 minutes later I went to check on her and she was calmly sitting in bed reading a book on Catholicism and asked me some questions about our faith and our Church.  

Then came the tears. "I'm a horrible mom." (She is. She puts her needs for validation and acceptance by others in front of the needs of our kids) "The best thing we can do is just divorce." (She cannot make it a week on her own) "I cannot make you happy." (I used to be, but not since this disease manifested itself.) "There is something wrong with me." (Yes, so go get some #$&% help!) "No one can fix me, I should just go somewhere where I cannot hurt you and the kids anymore." (Thus the title of this post.)  

She needs help, knows she needs help, but will not go get it. She sees a Pdoc quarterly for meds for bipolar. Personally, I think that is a misdiagnosis, or at least Pdoc is missing the co-morbidity with BPD. We have seen T's together and she on her own, but it never last. She cries uncontrollably, gets defensive, and quits going. I should note several of the T's we saw together were absolutely positive she is BPD and needs treatment specific to that dx.    

So, when a loved BPD spouse needs help, knows they need help, but will not get it or stay with it, what can you do?  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Crumbling]

I hate those screaming matches, nothing ever good comes out of them.  It's even harder when kids see it all.  Sounds like when you reminded her she was in control to leave, she gained control of her emotions... .?... .

Such a big question... .

So, when a loved BPD spouse needs help, knows they need help, but will not get it or stay with it, what can you do?   

I pray.  That may or not apply for you, I'm just saying, it helps me a lot.

Perhaps she doesn't believe she really deserves the help?  You can't help them change, that's for sure. 

But you can help build a loving, nurturing, comfortable place for them to want to change.  An example to follow.  The best thing you can do, is do whatever you have to to make life better for YOU, and to help her understand how deep your love for her is.  Learn what belongs in the BPD folder, and what belongs in the 'her true heart' folder, and live life accordingly.

Merry Tuesday and good intentions to you, Cole!

c.

[Cole]

I pray.  That may or not apply for you, I'm just saying, it helps me a lot.

Good advice, Crumbling. Years ago, she had a full-blown affair. The guilt has about killed her. The one person who helped her the most after that was a wonderful elderly priest who I have known since a child and who she really respected. Unfortunately, he has since passed on. She has been away from the church and faith for a couple years and now wants to rejoin the children and me at mass. In typical BPD fashion, the return has to be over the top, with full blown immersion in every aspect. I am hoping that return to the faith will help her understand that she is a worthy individual deserving of the love I and our kids have for her, it did have a stabilizing effect for her in the past.

     

[Crumbling]

That sounds hopeful.  It's a good place for the kids to find some comfort, too. 

Hope you both get some recoup time, after your blow out.

c