Alarm Bells ringing and brain cells clicking

[Ripped Heart]

A few months ago I came back to my apartment to a distraught and very down gf. It turns out that whilst I was at work, she made a decision to clear out my store room and make it into a guest bedroom. It's a conversation we always had as she has always seen herself as a home maker and likes to make things nice. I had no issues around what she did so this wasn't a concern.

Tucked away inside one of the boxes in the store room though, she found a photograph of my ex wife and was taken back at how pretty she was. There was an immediate comparison but to be honest I find my gf far more attractive, only she doesn't see herself that way. I immediately held my hands up, as it wasn't intentional and it's not like I was keeping the photo for anything so I put it in the bin and apologised again. She was highly critical towards me for having it in the first place and that she wouldn't dream of doing anything like that to me.

I didn't think it was the right time to tell her that her facebook photos and locations are full of her ex boyfriends. There are pics of gifts with the status of "having the best boyfriend ever" linked to several different people. There is even a place map of many different mens beds she has slept in with over 7 different ones in 2013. So in a sense, compared to 1 pic that I was unaware of having, I did find this quite an OTT reaction. Needless to say, I didn't raise the issue with her as this was her past, just as I apologised for the photo and the situation was diffused.

Then it occurred to me, just how many of these people she still has on facebook. Some have removed themselves along the way, but it's like a collection ready to recycle at a moments notice. The one I find hardest to get my head around is that she has an ex boyfriend who was a bit of a psychopath and a definite stalker (not just her words but I've seen it too) who earlier in the year terrified the life out of her that she finally went to the police and after a long story, managed to get a restraining order against him last month. So you can imagine my surprise to find out that she still has him as a friend on facebook, despite all that has gone on.

I have since tried to approach the subject of pics after she brought it up again during one of her outbursts. At first she denied such a picture existed and wanted me to prove it, when I did she got very defensive. I only approached one picture rather than the entire suitcase she is dragging behind her. Even still, I told her it wasn't a concern to me because that's her past and if she wants to keep memories, that's her choice and decision to make. I'm just a little concerned about her having her psycho stalker with a restraining order as a friend on facebook. Do pwBPD really go to these extremes?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[workinprogress]

Ripped, this is all about control.  She is attempting to whittle your life down to her, meanwhile, she will have a multitude of ex-bfs around on the side for her.

Don't fall for it.  Don't let her control you.

Call her out on her hypocrisy.  Do it for the sake of your own manhood.

[Crumbling]

Maybe it's a control thing.  Or maybe it's a self esteem thing.  For you to have a pic of your ex-wife is threatening to her, and to her self worth.  Having other men at the tip of her fingers would add to her esteem, 'I've been loved this much'.  I guess knowing what is at the root of the issue would help to guide the conversations you need to have.

And I think you do need to have them, like workinprogress says, for your own self esteem.  My BPDh has been understanding of having pics of my ex around because he is my kids' dad, but for the sake of being fair, I have given all those photos to the kids.  They were for them anyways, and I could not bare the thoughts of having anything connected with any of my BPDh's exes around us.  It just seemed right to apply the rules to both sides. 

Hope this helps,

c.

[Ripped Heart]

Many thanks crumbling, it has helped a great deal.

As I say, the photo I had wasn't for my benefit, it just happened to be tucked away in a box and forgotten about. Gf has already talked about having extreme jealousy issues, where as I on the other hand have sometimes felt pangs of jealousy but never anything more than that. If they come, I just remember that was the past, this is the present and everybody has a past. In your case, I think it's entirely reasonable if there is a connection there through children but if there isn't, aside from that it was once a romantic relationship then that's a very different story and I would agree with you in regard to having any connection within your house.

As for having other men, they are the ones who ran away and abandoned her. Some (including her childrens father) cut her out completely and went NC and others just moved on with their lives. I think for her, it's more about still having that connection however, she gets overtly jealous at the fact I have a good relationship with my daughters mother and her partner. We didn't work as a couple and separated 12 years ago but we do work as friends and we all support each other for the sake of our daughter. Gf doesn't grasp that given that her ex went NC and won't even give her the time of day so to her, that's how relationships with ex partners should be, but then doesn't explain the photos, statuses etc...

For me, I don't care too much for Facebook, it creates it's own issues and adds an extra dimension of trouble in some cases.

workinprogress, it is all about control but I don't think it was on purpose. It's not like she put things up or added people simply because she found a photo. These things were there prior to me, it's about her own viewpoint and not being able to understand the other side. I don't react the same way to it as she does, I just find it confusing how the rules only seem to go one way. I've tried so hard to help build her self esteem up over the past year and it's exhausting because just as it gets back up, it comes crashing back down again.

Amazing things happen when you step away from the situation though. I've had phonecalls from her recently about some of the things she "couldn't do" previously and "needed" me to step in and sort out for her. She's now calling to tell me she has sorted some things out, and other times taken a more logical approach to a problem. Each time, I remind her that I'm proud of her and praise her for her efforts. Maybe, it's about helping to build her self esteem that way.

As for control, I haven't let it get that far. I do lower boundaries from time to time but it's not my first rodeo. When she wanted to walk a few weeks ago, I held the door open for her. Told her it wasn't what I wanted but cared enough about her happiness to let her make the decisions she wanted to. She didn't walk. She knows now that if she tries pulling anything like that, I wouldn't stand in her way so that element of control isn't there, while at the same time reminding her that I do love her and I do care.

[Crumbling]

Great understanding of your gf, ripped.  That's so sad that she keeps them close, as if they are reminders of the scars she carries.

I'm lucky that my BPDh is basically computer illiterate, so no facebook dramas in this house!  Having a connection to 'the rest of the world' that your SO can't control is likely very intimidating for them.  I know I have had to tell h about this site.  Nothing about the actual site, not my name, or even the address of the site, just that I have a support network I go to, when I feel I need to and when I feel I need to give back.  I explained it in parallel to having a T, something I don't yet have and he does. Or a support group. 

I just had to ease his fears of what I was doing behind his back on the computer, because he has caught me closing the page up fast when he comes in the room and things like that.  He is too proud to mention anything, but retains the fear of what it is I'm doing, until it explodes.  So I told him what I was doing before it got to that point.  He's okay with it.  I would not have told him a year ago, he could not have handled it then, but now he is stronger and more focused than he has ever been, and so am I.   Sorry, that was a bunny trail... .

[notdownyet]

I didn't think it was the right time to tell her that her facebook photos and locations are full of her ex boyfriends. There are pics of gifts with the status of "having the best boyfriend ever" linked to several different people. There is even a place map of many different mens beds she has slept in with over 7 different ones in 2013. So in a sense, compared to 1 pic that I was unaware of having, I did find this quite an OTT reaction. Needless to say, I didn't raise the issue with her as this was her past, just as I apologised for the photo and the situation was diffused.

You're far more disciplined than I am.  I'm afraid I'd have jumped on this straight away.  It sounds like you dealt with it well.

This kind of double standard, really makes me angry.

In 2013, my wife and I had on-going rows over a female work colleague that I have a good (platonic) relationship with.  The out-come angle of her argument, is always the same thing, “you’re always putting her feelings in front of mine!”

Bearing in mind, that I have zero contact with this person outside of work. 

During this period of time, an ex/one night stand of hers, contacted her through FB, asking her directly if she wanted her to have an affair.  At the time she told me about this, and that she’d declined the offer.  I did see the messages.

However, several weeks later, she contacted him (without my knowledge) to enquire about the cost of shooting lessons (he runs a shooting range).  The message its self, was very sycophantic; flattering him  about his achievements, which are detailed on his website.

I felt that this contact was highly in-appropriate, and didn’t hold back in telling her that.

Later in the year, she went on to have an affair during a manic episode (she’s BPD and bipolar).  This was with a different person.

To this very day (today in fact), she still goes on about the friendship that I have with this person, repeating the same line again and again, of how I put this person above her.  Once more, I’ve reminded her, of her hypocrisy.

[Cole]

Ripped, You are not alone on this one. My wife is always flirting with someone to get there attention, but rages at me over my ex-wife who I have not seen since 1998 or my high school girlfriend, who I last spoke to in 1986.

It is a very one-way street with her. She will do anything for attention from the opposite sex, while maintaining a high level of jealousy over non-existent or ancient relationships I have had. She likes to talk about every boyfriend she has ever had. When she does, I get up and walk away, only to be accused of not paying attention to her.     

I think there is truth in the thought that garnering attention from the opposite sex and hanging onto exBF's are esteem builders, while anyone from the significant other's past (no matter how long ago) is a threat.

[workinprogress]

Ripped, You are not alone on this one. My wife is always flirting with someone to get there attention, but rages at me over my ex-wife who I have not seen since 1998 or my high school girlfriend, who I last spoke to in 1986.

It is a very one-way street with her. She will do anything for attention from the opposite sex, while maintaining a high level of jealousy over non-existent or ancient relationships I have had. She likes to talk about every boyfriend she has ever had. When she does, I get up and walk away, only to be accused of not paying attention to her.     

I think there is truth in the thought that garnering attention from the opposite sex and hanging onto exBF's are esteem builders, while anyone from the significant other's past (no matter how long ago) is a threat.

Basically, they want us to play by their rules.  It is about control and building their self-esteem.  If they don't build their self-esteem with real building materials, like values, their self-esteem will easily crumble.

So, when you no longer meet the requirements to build their self-esteem, and a bigger, better deal comes along, you will be left with nothing while she has taken everything from you.

That's why boundaries and standing your ground is so important.

Trust me, I have learned from my mistakes.