BPDs and Hoarding

[clydegriffith]

Did the pwBPD you were involved with hoard things?

The BPDx never wanted to throw anything out. I was the replacement for her x-husband and before we moved into our place i came to find out she had rented out a storage unit filled with mostly junk that she didn't want to throw out. I also remember she once went into a rage because after one christmas, i was going to throw out some door decorations that we had picked up at the 99 cent store and she went completley bezerk about how we couldn't afford to throw things out and this and that. This coming from a woman that would go to the mall and spend $10-15 on a cupcake and fancy tea.

[Splitblack4good]

Did the pwBPD you were involved with hoard things?

The BPDx never wanted to throw anything out. I was the replacement for her x-husband and before we moved into our place i came to find out she had rented out a storage unit filled with mostly junk that she didn't want to throw out. I also remember she once went into a rage because after one christmas, i was going to throw out some door decorations that we had picked up at the 99 cent store and she went completley bezerk about how we couldn't afford to throw things out and this and that. This coming from a woman that would go to the mall and spend $10-15 on a cupcake and fancy tea.

It makes no sense does it ? My ex had a room in the house was a dining room ! Not anymore it's filled with junk ! She had been saying she would sort through it and clear it for 6 months! I no longer live ther but can bet it's still like it now !

[hergestridge]

I think it makes sense that anything emotionally challenging will be a problem for a pwBPD. Going through old stuff and deciding what to keep and what to throw away can be difficult and can stir up much emotion, epsecially guilt (money spent, things you should have done etc).

My exwife also kept stuff but she did not hoard. She had an idea that she would sell things on the internet or give it away to someone in need. Most of the time this meant all things had to be stored around the houes until she found the time and energy to do that.

When she moved out I spent weeks getting rid of things she had stored around the house that was basically junk.

The most frustrating part when we were together was that she would not let me do the work for her, even though she knew that would have solved the problem. I was "stupid" for wanting to throw things away. She was "smart" for piling up on trash that she imagined she would sell some day. I don't think she belived this herself. She just knew she couldn't do it and prefered to turn the tables as usual.

[Turkish]

My uBPDx was not at all, and almost a clean freak. My BPD Hermit-Waif mom, however, is a massive hoarder, so much so that I've thought about contacting Hoarders the tv show.

My T said that hoarding denotes "fear of loss."

There are a few of us on the Coping and Healing Board who have hoarder BPD parents.

[HappyNihilist]

My uBPDx was not at all, and almost a clean freak.

Same with my exBPDbf. He really is a clean freak; everything is spare, neat, and organized.

[Targeted]

Mine was a hoarder and so were her parents!  She had a basement full of stuff along with construction Debris, you had to walk over all of the stuff to do a load of laundry,The house was cluttered with things and she would not even throwaway junk mail or receipts! I understand it is normal to hold onto receipts for awhile but to have your bedroom floor lined with Receipts and junk mail I think is a little overboard! Clean laundry was thrown on chairs or couches and dirty laundry was thrown on the floor, when there was enough dirty laundry on the floor and the pile was high enough clean laundry could sometimes be thrown on top of that because it was never folded and put away. When I started cleaning the room of all the junk mail and receipts and old things such as phones and cables to old devices that were probably in the basement I could not throw any of it out, it all had to be boxed or a bagged so she could go through it which she never did.

[billypilgrim]

Mine saved tons of stuff.  Not hoarder per se, but she struggled getting rid of stuff.  Especially her previous relationship stuff.  Had no idea until she left.  She had kept tons of stuff for 6 years with me through 3 moves.  But in her hurry to get out of the house, she left a lot of it for me to find.  Very odd.

[clydegriffith]

My uBPDx was not at all, and almost a clean freak.

Same with my exBPDbf. He really is a clean freak; everything is spare, neat, and organized.

The BPDx liked to give the impression she was a neat freak but anyone that came to the house could clearly see that wasn't the case. The place was usually trashed mostly because she wasn't very good at picking up after the kids.

[Targeted]

I even found flat out trash in closets, I mean French fries and pieces of burgers from fast-food restaurants, I also think she had a major obsession and love of dirty dishes. 

[hergestridge]

My uBPDx was not at all, and almost a clean freak.

Same with my exBPDbf. He really is a clean freak; everything is spare, neat, and organized.

The BPDx liked to give the impression she was a neat freak but anyone that came to the house could clearly see that wasn't the case. The place was usually trashed mostly because she wasn't very good at picking up after the kids.

I had this problem too. The problem could never be adressed because my wife's version was that she was the organizer and I was the slob when the reality was exactly the opposite. It was very important for her that the house was tidied once a week, but it was becoming impossible to do it properly because of all the stuff that got in the way.

Same thing with money. She lived in a dream world where I ruined her economy, even though we had separate accounts. She could spend all the money in the joint account without any worries and then ask me to fill it up with more money. When I questioned her spending so much (i e ALL) of our joint money her conclusion was that I must have spent so much of MY money that I couldn't afford to fill up the joint account, so the problem must be mine. The mind___ is total I tell you.

[clydegriffith]

My uBPDx was not at all, and almost a clean freak.

Same with my exBPDbf. He really is a clean freak; everything is spare, neat, and organized.

The BPDx liked to give the impression she was a neat freak but anyone that came to the house could clearly see that wasn't the case. The place was usually trashed mostly because she wasn't very good at picking up after the kids.

I had this problem too. The problem could never be adressed because my wife's version was that she was the organizer and I was the slob when the reality was exactly the opposite. It was very important for her that the house was tidied once a week, but it was becoming impossible to do it properly because of all the stuff that got in the way.

Same thing with money. She lived in a dream world where I ruined her economy, even though we had separate accounts. She could spend all the money in the joint account without any worries and then ask me to fill it up with more money. When I questioned her spending so much (i e ALL) of our joint money her conclusion was that I must have spent so much of MY money that I couldn't afford to fill up the joint account, so the problem must be mine. The mind___ is total I tell you.

I had the money problem with the BPDx as well. "our" money (meaning mine) she had no problem spending but she was a penny pincher with her own.

[enlighten me]

My ex had boxs of old leters and cards from friends and exs. Apart from that she had no real attachment to things. She would throw everything out.when she moved out she threw out most of her kids toys but made sure her old letters went with her.

[Whitebread]

Interesting topic... .a resounding yes on the hoarding of stuff.  Big plans to sell it, but unless I did it, it wasn't sold. 

Over the years he would ask for help with Craigslist or Ebay listings so I would take photos, write descriptions and deal with the calls or emails BUT he outright refused to talk to anyone if they called, or he would not answer emails about specifics.  Now these are things like car parts, I know more than most women I suppose, but really, it's his gig, and he threw a fit if I asked him to respond to questions posed.  To the degree that he would let a very interested buyer hang there and not respond, period.  I invested countless hours of time on this, but my "help"was never even recognized.

Then there was the issue of asking price.  He thought things were worth waaaay more than they were.  I'd research what like items were selling for and tell him, and he refused to lower his price.  After playing this game several times I finally said no to helping.  And was ranted at for not helping.

This past summer he got on a kick about cleaning out, and since I don't do anything all day 

i was told to just walk in the shed, or garage and start listing stuff.  Oh boy, imagine the set up I saw this was leading to! 

He didnt want to walk around with me and point out what to sell and what not to, he didnt want to tell me how much to ask or discuss any of it... I was to just to get rid of it.  Uh, nope.  How about nope?

It was a glaring neon lighted horns blazing trap in my eyes that meant nothing but long torturous rants about what I had done.  He has furious I wouldn't help.  And refused to understand why.  I guess that really was the beginning of not taking on his responsibilities which ultimately lead to the blow out and me leaving.  It's your crap, physical and emotional, and I'm done taking responsibility for it.

[fred6]

My T said that hoarding denotes "fear of loss."

That kind of makes sense Turkish. My ex had a big plastic tub with a lid on it filled with 100's of notes and letters dating back to elementary school. Clothes from 20 years back that she never wore (or could even attempt to fit into) filled the closet and drawers. When I moved in, out of a dresser and chest of drawers, she cleaned out one drawer for me and gave me 20% of the closet space. Looking back, it almost seems like she wasn't expecting me to be there long term, .

The dining room table was covered in clutter. The kitchen counters were filled with clutter. Basically there was $hit everywhere. When I moved in, she attempted to clean some stuff out and cleaned up more. But I imagine that since I left, the house has become a total mess again. I will give her credit though. I always make the bed in the morning and she mirrored that pretty good. She was still making the bed when I went back for my last few things. But I'm not even sure if she's doing that anymore though.

[Panda39]

My SO has told me many stories about having to smuggle things out on his way to work so he could throw things away... .do we really need hundreds of socks with no mates?

The sock monster at his house had a field day 

Stacks of magazines, flyers, newspapers, 6 large boxes of her deceased mothers clothes from 20 years ago, clothes their daughters had outgrown... .you name it she kept it... .would not let him throw anything away.

[Turkish]

My SO has told me many stories about having to smuggle things out on his way to work so he could throw things away... .do we really need hundreds of socks with no mates?

The sock monster at his house had a field day 

Stacks of magazines, flyers, newspapers, 6 large boxes of her deceased mothers clothes from 20 years ago, clothes their daughters had outgrown... .you name it she kept it... .would not let him throw anything away.

Maybe I'm using my mother as an extreme comparison, but this reminds me that I cleared out a dozen pairs of shoes and boots that my Ex left in my house, rudely. She has a borderline shopping addiction. Last week she asked me if i got (her favorite online clothing store) coupons. I said I did, in addition to those from a local department store. I always throw them out. She asked why, and I replied in a very nice tone that I wasn't going to enable her shopping addiction. "Save them! I can use them to save money buying clothes for the kids."

I saw her later in the week and she asked, "any coupons?" I replied truthfully, no. It's been 10 months since she moved out. Change your freaking mailing address, I said to myself, these things aren't too difficult.