Proof that my ex didn't love me and the relationship was all about her.

[Xidion]

I was with my exBPd for 20 months. Plenty of time to really get to know someone (if they aren't faking it). I was doing some thinking and i realize that here are a few signs that i think prove she never loved ME. She loved the idea of being with someone who worshiped her.

For example: I knew a lot of little facts about her. Her likes and dislikes on several different things, such as Tv shows, food, drinks, animals... etc etc. However, she could never remember any of these things about me, not ONE. She didn't even get me anything for my birthday... .twice. I take that back, she did... she got me something a couple months later, and it was the wrong size, even after I told her what size to get.

When you really love someone, you pay attention to a lot of there quirks, as I did with her. She didn't know any of mine. The only thing she knew was our anniversary, which was on Valentine's Day.

Onto another topic, did your ex constantly mess things up? as in, they couldn't do anything right? Honestly, my ex would always say "I can't do anything right". But really, she couldn't. She always managed to mess something up, get the wrong thing, forget something... .ALWAYS. Maybe this was on purpose for drama, I don't know. Anyhow, just some food for thought.

[parisian]

Know what you mean Xid.

I spent hours searching the internet to buy her really unique gifts that reflected very personal things that she liked. I will say she wasn't stingy on gifts, but one year she gave me my birthday present and said 'you're hard to buy for - you don't like anything'. Wow. I felt like saying if she had bothered to get to know me or actually listened to my conversation, it wouldn't be that hard.

We never celebrated any anniversary date. It just came and went without even so much as a comment. I think I tried the first year to pass comment and got told I had the wrong date by 'angry parent' voice so was not a conversation I continued or ever considered again. Mine hated valentine's day so we didn't celebrate it. I understand now. Love was obviously such a painful thing no point celebrating it.

No, mine had Narcisstic tendencies too so (in her view), it was always me who messed things up. Silly little things though like I wasn't opening the cookie box the correct way, or how to use a kettle or wasn't driving properly.

[Xidion]

Sometimes I can't believe what I just went through. I've been in a few relationships, but nothing even close to this. I was with a bipolar girl for 2 years, and this girl takes the cake over her as well. She was always testing me. Always judging me. It's like the entire relationship was some sort of mind f'cking game.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Yes my ex missed my birthday as well.  She really was the Queen type - would have been a complete disaster if I had missed hers.  She did make amends and get me something later.  For some reason I am missing Mrs Crazy.  Must be the time of year.

[Xidion]

Yes my ex missed my birthday as well.  She really was the Queen type - would have been a complete disaster if I had missed hers.  She did make amends and get me something later.  For some reason I am missing Mrs Crazy.  Must be the time of year.

I'm missing mine as well. She was cute as a button and sweet as can be when her mask was on. But good Lord, when the mask was off, she was a demon.

[Hadlee]

I am sorry you guys went through all of that with your ex partners.  Reading your comments have given me a real moment regarding my BPDx friend and her relationship with her bf she recently broke up with.

parisian - I also spent hours searching online for special gifts for her, which were unique to her likes.  Not once did she ever buy me a birthday gift.  One year I did get a Christmas gift, but that was it.  Last year on my birthday she told me she knew what she wanted to get me, but it was a work in progress due to lack of funds.  Two weeks later I saw her bf post on Facebook about her new $3000 laptop!  Well, I never did receive that birthday gift

Her and her ex never celebrated any special occasions.  She claimed to have spent the evening of her birthday this year sitting on the floor crying due to getting home from work to be confronted with a pigsty of a house.  Also claimed her ex didn't buy her anything.  I know he always bought her little gifts, but all she was interested in was portraying him as an abuser.  

What I have now come to realize is that it was after they moved in together they stopped going out and became pretty much hermits.  She said she had bad social anxiety and also put the lack of social activity down to having no money, and down to the fact her bf was a drug addict.  Yes he is, but I'm sure she drove him to it!  He also didn't work.  This was never an issue for her - probably cause she was in control.

From bits and pieces I've read, it seems common that the BPD will isolate their partner.  I always thought it was due to his issues, but now I believe it was her all along.  Is this as common as I think?

[Blimblam]

Well xideon

In my rs my ex knew all my little quirks she put a lot of effort in the begining to do extremely sentimental things for me.  She would plan for sometimes weeks or more of things to surprise me with.  The thing is I did this kind of stuff for her also.  She introjected that ino her personality and she was in many ways already like this but she was used to people that didn't reciprocate. My ex was perhaps the most thoughtful and sentimental person I ever knew well.  This was all before the split.  After the split she was using me and I was in denial. The main thing that had happened is I lost her trust and never was able to gain it back.

[Xidion]

Well xideon

In my rs my ex knew all my little quirks she put a lot of effort in the begining to do extremely sentimental things for me.  She would plan for sometimes weeks or more of things to surprise me with.  The thing is I did this kind of stuff for her also.  She introjected that ino her personality and she was in many ways already like this but she was used to people that didn't reciprocate. My ex was perhaps the most thoughtful and sentimental person I ever knew well.  This was all before the split.  After the split she was using me and I was in denial. The main thing that had happened is I lost her trust and never was able to gain it back.

It seems as if it's so easy to lose their trust.  It's already fragile entering the relationship,  and only takes something miniscule to lose it.  Plus,  they don't know how to forgive.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I spent hours searching the internet to buy her really unique gifts that reflected very personal things that she liked. I will say she wasn't stingy on gifts, but one year she gave me my birthday present and said 'you're hard to buy for - you don't like anything'. Wow. I felt like saying if she had bothered to get to know me or actually listened to my conversation, it wouldn't be that hard.

We never celebrated any anniversary date. It just came and went without even so much as a comment. I think I tried the first year to pass comment and got told I had the wrong date by 'angry parent' voice so was not a conversation I continued or ever considered again. Mine hated valentine's day so we didn't celebrate it. I understand now. Love was obviously such a painful thing no point celebrating it.

Wow. I could have written this. I'm actually thinking back to last year and can't even remember if she gave me a Christmas gift or not! The last few years we were together it always came down to her having to spend her money on her kids for gifts so she didn't have any left over for me.

Valentines? Forget it. One time she reminded me I had done nothing for her on the day, and when I reminded her of what I did do, she went, "oh yeah." She had forgotten. I assure you I got no gift. A card, but no gift.  And as for our anniversary. It was 10 years last week. I guarantee you she has no idea. She's got her head stuck too far up someone else's ___ to think about that. Unless that's what those hangup calls were about at the beginning of Dec.

[whythisgirl]

My ex would give me gifts that others gave to him. He bought me a gift in the beginning of our r/s which was a journal. But I think this is so I can write down my thoughts and he could read it.

[billypilgrim]

Preach.  All of this.  She struggled with my birthday.  Even had to come up with some little formula to remember the date.  6 years together and she still struggled to remember one day.  I really can't remember anything she really did for me on my birthday.  Or even Christmas that was something actually about me.  Maybe one gift that really was a good gift that was truly a gift for me.

Yet she had a birthday week.  Valentine's had to be an ordeal.  I remember one year I didn't nab a reservation somewhere nice enough.  There was no making the best of it or enjoying a night out with just the two of us.  I learned to never not have something planned again.  Christmas was usually too expensive.  I grew to be anxious around gift giving times - they were always stressful times.  

It wasn't just me either.  She would always be disappointed in gifts she received from other people.  She was great at feigning it though.  How could anyone really ever know what to give her?   She didn't even know what she wanted.

[vortex of confusion]

Onto another topic, did your ex constantly mess things up? as in, they couldn't do anything right? Honestly, my ex would always say "I can't do anything right". But really, she couldn't. She always managed to mess something up, get the wrong thing, forget something... .ALWAYS. Maybe this was on purpose for drama, I don't know. Anyhow, just some food for thought.

Wow, this is very much what I have experienced. For my birthdays, Christmas, or any other gift giving occasion, I try to make it easy on everyone. All I ever want is help cleaning the house. On my birthday, no clean house, no present, no nothing. I was happy today because he did help me clean the house. The only problem is that when I went to vacuum certain portions, there was still stuff in the way. I went about moving and cleaning and he saw me and said, "I tried my best." It feels so odd to be glad that he helped but be irritated at the same time. Seriously, how difficult is it to fold up and stack a few blankets instead of piling them all up on top of a bunch of toys? Ugh, it was so annoying! He can't do dishes because he doesn't get them clean. He claims to stack up the dishes to help me but his idea of stacking the dishes is a joke at best.

Because he screws up so much, I sit there feeling like I am being a nitpicking jerk to even think such things. Last year, he got me some earrings with a gift card that he was given at work. I was mad because I have spent years saying that I don't care for jewelry. Him getting me earrings was ridiculous. How could he think that I would like them after listening to me complain about not caring for jewelry for so long? After 17 years, you would think that he would know at least a few of my preferences.

And don't get me started on anniversaries! I can't remember the last time he got me anything for an anniversary. One year, all I wanted for our anniversary was for him to hook up the VCR so we could watch our wedding video with our kids.

And he doesn't do anything for me for birthdays either. I think he may have baked a cake with the kids a time or two but for the most part it is nothing in comparison to the things that I have done for him. One year, all I asked for was for him to let me cook my favorite meal for myself and invite my family over. Last year on my birthday, my brother and his wife felt bad for me and threw me a great big birthday party and had a cook out. He did nothing to help them.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Yet she had a birthday week.

Mine threw a party for herself every year. She invited all of her friends to join her for a party to "celebrate" her, and naturally everyone felt obliged to bring a gift! I'd never heard of anyone doing this til I met here. Maybe it's something lots of people do. I found it odd.

[Indyan]

When you really love someone, you pay attention to a lot of there quirks, as I did with her.

Mentally ill people often have a gift at remembering what we like. They thrive on our dreams, our expectations. They are the best chameleons and use these to sneak into our minds, hearts and souls.

Not "caring" about what you like etc could in fact be reassuring

[Popcorn71]

At first my ex appeared to put some thought into gifts for me.  When he went away for a weekend, he brought me a present back.  I had some lovely gifts for our first xmas together (I later found out he had sent his daughter shopping).  For our second xmas together, I got a condolence card!  He liked the picture and hadn't bothered reading it.  After that, any presents for me were a case of 'get something you want and I will pay for it'.  He really didn't want to put any effort in.  One xmas, he even let me choose jewellery in the store, then made me look stupid when he said he couldn't afford it.  What he meant was that he didn't want to pay that much.  It was a stark contrast to when we were first together and he would have bought me anything I wanted.  By this time, he was buying expensive gifts for friends, etc. who he wanted to impress, he didn't need to impress me anymore.

I always put a lot of thought into his gifts.  I made sure that it would be something he would enjoy and remember.  He liked to receive but didn't like to give - well not to me anyway.

[CredoMutwa]

Hey!   Xideon, sorry about your loss, I can truly identify with you.

I can tell you that both pwBPD women I have been with one after the other a year and a half apart were quite methodical and well functioning professionals.  The first one was actually quite thoughtful and considerate initially.  The second seemed a little numb, maybe it was the dope but, she never forgot important dates.  However, I learnt quickly that I best not forget anything.

I hope this helps and best of luck to you.

[fred6]

Christmas 2012, one of my gifts was a $280 watch. She didn't know if I would like it when she bought it and told me that I could return it and get something else or she would give me the money and I could buy my own gift. As it turns out, she has no taste in men's watches and I would have never worn the damn thing. So I decided to return it and add some of my own money and get another guitar.

Since she bought it with her debit card, the store had to refund it back to her debit card. She said that she would just give me the money in a couple days, since it was the weekend. I few days later I told her that I had picked out what guitar that I wanted to buy. She said good, I'll get your money in a couple days. Hahaha, I never saw that money for my gift. I asked about it a few weeks later and she said, "I spent that money, you should have asked for it when I had it". I'm a "nice guy", so I didn't say anything, but I was thinking. What the heck? I have to ask for my gift that you said that you would give me in a couple days?

If it was me, I would have written her a check that weekend. At the time it really didn't matter that much to me, it was just the point of the matter. She simply didn't care, that's the worst part. Eff the watch or the money.