Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 06:59:57 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't afford to ignore
Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts
Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has BPD
My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
89
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: You try to change me-Stating bounderies  (Read 357 times)
icecream
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 92



« on: December 23, 2014, 04:31:32 PM »

I did tried to help her, fix her, save her, create a wonderfull future for us, support her to balance her life into more stability... and yes, i did find the energy by giving her my best efforts in the hope she could give the same to me as she did when we started to fall for each other.

When things got confused, messed up and when i started to state bounderies -mainly about her silent treatments/passive agressive social media-stuff towards me- Thats when she said i wanted to change her.

I was the first to support her in "being yourself", "you are good enough as you are for me" and stuff like that... .you know, to pump up her self-esteem. But by putting a boundery -after i showed my patience- made me suddenly into someone who wanted to change her. Yes, i did wanted to change the outcome of her silent treatments because it is disrespectfull towards me and thats how she felt i wanted to change her roots... .

Trying to change a partner is wrong ofcourse, putting bounderies to try to get along with respect for eachother is something else in my opinion. These are the moments/discussions i really dont miss, but after 3 months of nc these discussions still live in my head, not because we never came to a constructive outcome but because i never came to a point to make my point on values in life!

So can i conclude her roots didnt had the values of life like i have (respect/trust/honesty/loyalty... )?
Logged

Infern0
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1520


« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2014, 04:42:22 PM »

Trying to change people is wrong,  of course.

But when your loving,  caring partner suddenly turns into a monster I think it's pretty normal reaction to try and get them to change back
Logged
HappyNihilist
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1012



WWW
« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2014, 06:13:01 PM »

When things got confused, messed up and when i started to state bounderies -mainly about her silent treatments/passive agressive social media-stuff towards me- Thats when she said i wanted to change her.

This reaction isn't uncommon with pwBPD. They will often respond to a partner setting limits or enforcing boundaries by accusing the partner of being "controlling."

It's very good that you were taking care of yourself in this way.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I was the first to support her in "being yourself", "you are good enough as you are for me" and stuff like that... .you know, to pump up her self-esteem.

I did tried to help her, fix her, save her, 

If she was "good enough as she was," then why were you trying to "fix" and "save" her?

Do you see the contradiction? pwBPD see it, even when we don't.

Just as every human is, a pwBPD is the sum of all his/her parts. BPD is a personality disorder. This is their personality. This is who they are. All of it.

There's a tendency to focus on the "good person inside" -- this, after all, is who you're so desperately trying to "save" -- at the exclusion of everything else that makes them who they are. This isn't fair to either party, as it can only lead to expectations that can never be met.

Trying to change a partner is wrong ofcourse, putting bounderies to try to get along with respect for eachother is something else in my opinion.



Trying to change a partner isn't necessarily "wrong." Yes, it's unfair to both of you, and it's an exercise in futility, but it isn't wrong. We're human, it happens.

Having boundaries to protect yourself is vital. But helping, fixing, saving -- these are all ways of controlling. They're intrusive... .sort of the opposite of boundaries, actually.

If you don't address the core issues of wanting to fix and save, then it will be hard for you to establish and enforce healthy boundaries in relationships.

i never came to a point to make my point on values in life!

So can i conclude her roots didnt had the values of life like i have (respect/trust/honesty/loyalty... )?

I would think that's a likely conclusion. 

You're doing good work. Take this opportunity to truly learn all about yourself.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged
icecream
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 92



« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2014, 07:20:01 AM »

Thank you for your clear reply  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  HappyNihilist.

Exactly, this is were the contradiction does its work and keeps the unlogical events running around in my head to hope to find an explanation or the state of letting go what cant be explained.

The months before the confusion started and before i got dumped, thats when i wasnt focussed on the bad side. Perhaps she showed me a glimps/red flags/minor details of her "bad side" and like everyone you meet you take the good with the bad because overall when building a bound between two is taking them as they are- all of it. I understand that.

Until that point she didnt exposed her "all".

She was the victim of her past relationship, thats what our first conversations were about.

So i did tried to balance her moodswings/rollercoasters/be her calming harbour/support her when she went into therapy... .this is what i mean with saving/fixing/caring. And building her self-esteem by supporting her.

After the break up and trying to build a friendship is when i realized i got manipulated, lied to and more disrespectful things... basicly being used and being part of an unhealthy ex-partner/friendshipzone.

When putting bounderies at that point was the start of this silence since 3 months. But i'm glad i did!

Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!