Christmas alone - I'm fine with it now.

[fred6]

I know that this goes against what most of this site recommends as far as birthdays and holidays. However, to me doing what's right seems to be more about treating people how you would like to be treated instead of treating people how they treat you. Having said that, I have been mostly NC since September 20, that was 14 weeks ago.

Fast forward to this week. Monday I was out with my biological daughter buying gifts and I got my exBPD's 17 yo son and her 6 yo daughter a few gifts. While we were shopping my daughter asked if I was going to buy exBPD a gift. I wasn't planning on it but I asked my 16yo daughter if she thought that I should. She said, "I don't know". Just so happens that I turned around and there was a nice purple(exBPD favorite color is purple)bible on sale for $20. I immediately asked my daughter, "what about that"? She said, "that's nice, you should get it and have her name put on it for $5". So I bought it and a small small picture frame with a picture of her daughter in it. Threw everyone's gift in a separate box and wrapped them up.

Now the hard part. How to get the gifts to them without any contact with the ex. During the break up in July, I talked to her parents to thank them and say goodbye and they told me to stop by anytime. Because according to them, they've seen their daughter go through these "ups and downs" before. So I called them this morning and asked if it would be OK if I dropped off some gifts. I didn't know what to expect or if my name had been smeared. They said that was fine.

Anyhow, I went to drop off the gifts and much to my surprise. My ex's daughter was there sick while exBPD was at work. She immediacy yelled my name and ran over to me and grabbed me tightly. I wasn't planning on staying and left my car running. But they invited me in and were so very friendly to me. I stayed and caught up with them for about 30 minutes and exBPD's daughter hovered around me the whole time and wouldn't leave my side. She even told me not to leave. The exBPD's name never even came up once. Easy peazy!

Got to spend some time with my daughter, exBPD's daughter, and did the right thing, all with NC with the ex. I don't care if exgf thanks me or not. It's all good. My Christmas is over and I'm fine with being alone, it's just another day.

A funny side note, the get away car was still running and warm. Ready for a quick get away,


     

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Fred6 are you hoping to get back with your ex? I am trying to understand why you would buy a gift for an ex if you really desired to break away and move on?  I am not saying you were wrong to buy the present - it is just that I would rather spend the money on my family or myself.  From what I have read here recycles are never successful.

[fred6]

Fred6 are you hoping to get back with your ex? I am trying to understand why you would buy a gift for an ex if you really desired to break away and move on?  I am not saying you were wrong to buy the present - it is just that I would rather spend the money on my family or myself.  From what I have read here recycles are never successful.

Absolutely not. A relationship/recycle would never work out. I also got my ex wife and her husband a gift. I just think that it's the way to treat people. I don't think that detaching and being nice, civil, and mature are mutually exclusive. I think for everyone this is highly subjective depending on where you are in this process and your personal value system. I could easily be bitter and say to hell with her. And I have in the past. I don't want to be "that" person though.

As far as spending the money. I got a great deal on a new iPad back in May that was going to be one of her Xmas presents. After we broke up I sold it for a profit. So even spending a nominal $20-30 on her for Xmas, I still made money. Not to mention, I don't think that a $20 bible is going to fix the relationship. Believe me, I don't expect anything from her, not even a thank you. For me, giving a gift isn't about getting something in return. I don't even care if she throws it in the garbage. I did what I thought was right and what happens from there reflects on her. I would hate to think that her daughter asked her, "why didn't he get you a present too mommy?"

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Fred6 are you hoping to get back with your ex? I am trying to understand why you would buy a gift for an ex if you really desired to break away and move on?  I am not saying you were wrong to buy the present - it is just that I would rather spend the money on my family or myself.  From what I have read here recycles are never successful.

Absolutely not. A relationship/recycle would never work out. I also got my ex wife and her husband a gift. I just think that it's the way to treat people. I don't think that detaching and being nice, civil, and mature are mutually exclusive. I think for everyone this is highly subjective depending on where you are in this process and your personal value system. I could easily be bitter and say to hell with her. And I have in the past. I don't want to be "that" person though.

I see your point of view and I guess we all detach in our own way.  I guess my concern would be not to trigger her - it's the walking on egg shells thing we all know too well around here.

[HappyNihilist]

I'm glad you were able to do what you felt was right while still remaining NC like you wanted to.  

I just think that it's the way to treat people. I don't think that detaching and being nice, civil, and mature are mutually exclusive. I think for everyone this is highly subjective depending on where you are in this process and your personal value system.

The thing to keep in mind, though, is that the other person is disordered. The way you would want to be treated is not necessarily the way a pwBPD wants or needs to be treated. We can't impose our value systems on others.

It's very difficult (if not impossible) for a pwBPD to detach and be nice, civil, and mature. And because of how they see the world, they project their own interpretations onto others' actions. A polite gesture on your part may become something else in her eyes.

But this gesture is really about you, not her. You felt the need to do it for your own reasons, as you said.

I could easily be bitter and say to hell with her. And I have in the past. I don't want to be "that" person though.

Not buying her a gift would have only been "being bitter" if you did it out of bitterness.

I did what I thought was right and what happens from there reflects on her.

Very true.  All we can ever do is what we feel is right.  

[myself]

I think for everyone this is highly subjective depending on where you are in this process and your personal value system.

That's the spirit! Sounds like happier holidays for you, too.

You're right, there are no set in concrete rules here.

Being yourself, as good as that can be, is the real goal.

[fred6]

The thing to keep in mind, though, is that the other person is disordered. The way you would want to be treated is not necessarily the way a pwBPD wants or needs to be treated. We can't impose our value systems on others.

You are correct HappyN. We can't and shouldn't treat these individuals like we do non disordered people. However, I think on a base level that they should be treated with some amount of respect and dignity. In my opinion, a non romantic nominal gift, card, or well wishes on birthdays, holidays, or special occasions shouldn't automatically be out of the question. But it really depends on the situation with the non and the exBPD. I should stress that NC should and will continue to be employed.

Not buying her a gift would have only been "being bitter" if you did it out of bitterness.

Correct again HappyN. But I see so much bitterness on this site and it's understandable. And most of the time it's warranted. NC should be used to heal ourselves, not to try and punish our ex partners. I believe that there is a happy medium between detaching and healing and being a mature caring adult. Again, it all depends on where we are in this process as individuals. One thing we don't want to do is become like our ex's and/or jaded. Most of us here still love and care about our ex partners. I think that I will always love her to some extent for whatever reason. The tricky part is managing those feelings while understanding that an ongoing day to day personal relationship isn't possible. Was buying her a Christmas gift co-dependent? Maybe. But if the extent of my co-dependance and contact is relegated to wishing her well on her birthday and holidays, I'm OK with that. If she's not, I guess that I'll know tomorrow.

[fred6]

I think for everyone this is highly subjective depending on where you are in this process and your personal value system.

That's the spirit! Sounds like happier holidays for you, too.

You're right, there are no set in concrete rules here.

Being yourself, as good as that can be, is the real goal.

Thanks songbook. I agree with you. There are no set in concrete rules here. We all must evaluate our own situation and make our own decisions. But we must not only step back and detach from our ex's. We also have to step back and detach from our own addiction to them.

I may sound like a hypocrite, but I think that everyone's circumstances are different and we can't all apply a cookie cutter "NC and hate your ex" or "I've got to have her back" strategy. There is a happy medium to live without these people in our lives and still caring about them. We all have needs.

I would also like to stress that this kind of thing takes willpower. If you are less than 60 days out, you should probably give it more time. Showing someone you care doesn't mean you want or need them back. If you were with someone prone to recycling it may not be a good idea for a long time. I know it's a $hit deal, but it's the deal we were dealt. But we cooperated with it, so we were compliant with it.

At the end of the day on Christmas Eve. I got to see my exBPD's 6 yo daughter for 30-40 minutes. And that's the best Christmas present that I could get right now. So yes, being alone on Christmas. I'm fine with it now.