Small Breakthrough He admitted something

[Depression = 72% of members]

My dBPDh last night actually admitted fault. For those who follow my posts, you will recall me talking about my husband accusing me of cheating quite a bit recently. The latest event was him swearing I must be cheating over an online child's facebook game app I play.

After the dysregulated conversation, I was feeling pretty badly yesterday. Logically, I know where his accusations are coming from: He's been upset at himself for not working, constantly tells me I deserve better so in his mind that means I might be or I am going to "trade him in" one day. I tired to pull myself together before I got home, but I was depressed thinking no mater what I do... .it's never enough. He will never trust me, never understand how much I love him, and I don't want anyone else.

Well last night when I got home, I will still sad and he knew it. He tried talking about a few things, but this was just eating at me. Finally, I said to him, "I just want you to know, when you get those feelings when I'm playing my game that I might be talking to someone, or you just feel like I might be cheating, I do not mind at all if you ask me what I am doing and I will show you."

This was a gamble. This statement could have gone either way. Luckily, his answer was a tad bit dysregulation... .defending himself and rehashing the discussion from the day before. What had upset me the night before was his first statement was "You are on there all day talking to people every day. There's a man you like on there isn't there?" I said at the time I do talk to people, but no everyday. That's when that conversation went badly.

When he brought it up again last night, I told him that was the part I didn't agree with. He claims of course that he never said that. He said it A LOT. In response to this, instead of getting stuck in another JADE session, I didn't confirm nor deny. I said "this is what I heard, and that why I felt this"

That really helped. He kept saying he didn't say it... .but I expect that. What I didn't expect was he said "Well, I'm crazy hunny." I said "awww you are my crazy man. I love you. If it makes you feel better you can see what I'm doing anytime if you feel like that again."(He could do this anyway... .he has my passwords and my Ipad is always at home when I'm at work.)

He was silent for a second, and he said "I know you are not doing anything hunny, but I will probably feel it again." And  said that's ok. We talk, you can see... .no problem.

Hearing him say "well i'm crazy" was his way of saying he was wrong. When he was silent for a moment, and said "I will feel IT again", I knew then. He knows it's not right, but sometimes that feeling... .whatever it is at the time... .overpowers him. In not so many words, he admitted that.

Hey, I'll take it. It's progress!

      Merry Christmas Everyone!       

[ColdEthyl]

My dBPDh last night actually admitted fault. For those who follow my posts, you will recall me talking about my husband accusing me of cheating quite a bit recently. The latest event was him swearing I must be cheating over an online child's facebook game app I play.

After the dysregulated conversation, I was feeling pretty badly yesterday. Logically, I know where his accusations are coming from: He's been upset at himself for not working, constantly tells me I deserve better so in his mind that means I might be or I am going to "trade him in" one day. I tired to pull myself together before I got home, but I was depressed thinking no mater what I do... .it's never enough. He will never trust me, never understand how much I love him, and I don't want anyone else.

Well last night when I got home, I will still sad and he knew it. He tried talking about a few things, but this was just eating at me. Finally, I said to him, "I just want you to know, when you get those feelings when I'm playing my game that I might be talking to someone, or you just feel like I might be cheating, I do not mind at all if you ask me what I am doing and I will show you."

This was a gamble. This statement could have gone either way. Luckily, his answer was a tad bit dysregulation... .defending himself and rehashing the discussion from the day before. What had upset me the night before was his first statement was "You are on there all day talking to people every day. There's a man you like on there isn't there?" I said at the time I do talk to people, but no everyday. That's when that conversation went badly.

When he brought it up again last night, I told him that was the part I didn't agree with. He claims of course that he never said that. He said it A LOT. In response to this, instead of getting stuck in another JADE session, I didn't confirm nor deny. I said "this is what I heard, and that why I felt this"

That really helped. He kept saying he didn't say it... .but I expect that. What I didn't expect was he said "Well, I'm crazy hunny." I said "awww you are my crazy man. I love you. If it makes you feel better you can see what I'm doing anytime if you feel like that again."(He could do this anyway... .he has my passwords and my Ipad is always at home when I'm at work.)

He was silent for a second, and he said "I know you are not doing anything hunny, but I will probably feel it again." And  said that's ok. We talk, you can see... .no problem.

Hearing him say "well i'm crazy" was his way of saying he was wrong. When he was silent for a moment, and said "I will feel IT again", I knew then. He knows it's not right, but sometimes that feeling... .whatever it is at the time... .overpowers him. In not so many words, he admitted that.

Hey, I'll take it. It's progress!

      Merry Christmas Everyone!       

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[EaglesJuju]

Good for you CE  It is awesome when our pwBPD admits something. Even the small things are progress.  I hope you have a wonderful holiday.       

[Crumbling]

Holy Christmas Miracle, Coldethyl!  That's so great!  Yeah for you!

Using the various communication techniques can make such a big difference in how the conversations go!  I'm proud of you!  You stuck to your gentle guns, and didn't take his gut responses personally.  Enjoy feeling good about this, you deserve it.

And thanks for sharing,

Merry Christmas,

c.

[Cole]

So happy to hear about the progress. Any step in the right direction is a good one!

[ColdEthyl]

Ty Ty! It's all about getting that language down, isn't it?

[Cat Familiar]

Ty Ty! It's all about getting that language down, isn't it?

Good work, Ethyl!    

[Mie]

That is good to hear. 

I'm trying to work on one obsession my SO has about me living with my mother, 'in a closet' when we met. It comes up every time he wants to point out how much he has done for me and my life is better because of him - and that is technically where every heated conversation ends.

It's ridiculous and irritating because 1) what is wrong with living with one's mother ? 2) it was only for a few months, while planning to build a house (gee, I'm justifying even here.) ? 3) why is it his business? (I'm not critisizing him for how he lived when we met, and if I wanted to, I could certainly point issues that don't match my idea of great life).

He don't seem to get over this. He wants me to admit that my life really is better now.

Fact is that my life is better when it comes to comfort (car works, house is warmer and hinges don't creak, we have new furniture, linen etc). On the other hand, I have never prioritized comfort over freedom of self expression and peace of mind (which is for hippies and artists and therefore worthless).

Maybe I should try to separate these two things and validate his contribution for making our life comfortable, because that is true. But would he then drop the subject... .? 

[Cat Familiar]

He don't seem to get over this. He wants me to admit that my life really is better now.

Fact is that my life is better when it comes to comfort (car works, house is warmer and hinges don't creak, we have new furniture, linen etc). On the other hand, I have never prioritized comfort over freedom of self expression and peace of mind (which is for hippies and artists and therefore worthless).

Maybe I should try to separate these two things and validate his contribution for making our life comfortable, because that is true. But would he then drop the subject... .? 

Probably not. When my husband and I first got together, I used nearly every penny I had to expand the little house I built into a much larger home so that we could live together. Since then, he inherited lots of money, which was really unexpected because his narcissist father had disinherited him, or so he thought.

Though it was my money, for the most part, because since then, he has contributed to improvements, but he's always trying to take credit for everything. I just have to ignore it and agree mindlessly for him to drop it. It used to make my blood boil because I felt he was ignoring how much I contributed, but in his own peculiar BPD way, he's got to take credit for everything.

[ColdEthyl]

Maybe I should try to separate these two things and validate his contribution for making our life comfortable, because that is true. But would he then drop the subject... .? 

We will not drop the subject right away, but there are things that will stop being repeated as often if they feel like they have the validation they are looking for. This is just another example of the black/white thinking they have. I would validate that your life is more comfortable financially, and you appreciate that part. I would not bring up the rest at the time of this particular discussion. I would however, bring it up if it is something you would like to talk about, just at a different time. They cannot separate the two.

I had an issue a few days ago where I actually put my hands on him. The last time I did that was 2 years ago. We were both drinking, and I was asleep for a good 2 hours when I got woken up with him playing loud music. I got up to pee, I was still I bit hazy, and he starts saying little snippy comments like "best Christmas ever!" (He's been depressed for months due to weather and BPD) and something else... .I am not sure. I pushed him back on the bed and started yelling about how tired I was of trying so hard to make everything as less stress for him as possible, and nothing I do is enough.

Now, the last time I put my hands on him, I was also drunk. I'm not proud of that... .not even a little bit. It's not an excuse for poor behavior. But the man really knows how to push my buttons sometimes.

After I did that and I calmed down I felt horrible. I still do I am very angry at myself for losing control and committing domestic violence. He was yelling that I pushed him in the throat and his throat hurts so bad he can't breathe, which last night he admitted he put some stank on that. He said I didn't even hit him in the throat, but he admitted to saying it at the time. About knocked me out of my chair!

The weird thing is he spent an hour last night telling me how I shouldn't feel bad because he knows he cuts people deeply with his words, and he knows he can push people enough to do things like this. He said he isn't angry at me about it, so I shouldn't be angry at myself about it. He said he knows if I wasn't drunk I would never have done it, which I wouldn't. So stop beating myself up about it. It's over, it's done, and no one is angry about it.

I told him last night that I understand all of this, but it doesn't change how I feel about me. I was still angry at me for that mistake. I told him then... .don't you realize you do the same thing? When he says to me he hates himself and how useless he is, and I tell him the things I love about him, he will say he knows that but his feelings about himself are still there.

He just sat there in silence for a second, then playfully said shut up. rofl

It's really weird to have them give you the exact same advice they should take.

[Grey Kitty]

Geez, they sure are good at pushing buttons, aren't they? 

I'm wondering... .is he a safe person for you to get drunk in the company of?

Twice in two years you've been drunk, and done something you regret. (You haven't mentioned how many times you've gotten that drunk and NOT been pushed to a point you regretted.)

[Cat Familiar]

Geez, they sure are good at pushing buttons, aren't they? 

My husband seems to like when he gets me agitated and upset. So often he accuses me of "being on your high horse" which is a phrase that makes no sense to me whatsoever.

I think what he means is that I stay calm and rational while he dysregulates. In a previous post where I describe getting so upset that I started beating the mattress and crying, he got this weird little smile on his face. It made him happy in a peculiar way to see me dysregulate.

It must truly be embarrassing for them to always be the one who comes unglued and therefore your husband got some props for being the one to comfort you about your behavior.

[MaybeSo]

I had two incidents long ago where I threw stuff at my ex, and one where I smacked him on his chest in anger.

He was being provocative both times, but the buttons that were pushed belong to me, not him.

My ex also tried to convince me that hitting him was no big deal, even said it showed how much I care.  This is sad, frightening, trauma-based talk in my opinion.  No, it’s not okay, under any circumstances (other than self defense of course).

I could see how his mind was equating being abused with love.  So sad.

That was the last time I ever allowed myself to indulge my ‘triggers’ in that way.  That included not just mindlessly drinking around him, as in all circumstances where I lost it with him, alcohol was involved.  Alcohol has not played that kind of a role in any other area of my life, but the fact remains….he is a person I cannot just mindlessly drink around, or mindlessly engage with, b/c he CAN be very provocative (of course he can, he has a trauma background so that’s what he does) …and I have to be very on top of myself and my own reactions when around him.

In a previous post where I describe getting so upset that I started beating the mattress and crying, he got this weird little smile on his face. It made him happy in a peculiar way to see me dysregulate.

They understand and can relate to dysregulated emotional states.

or he was just dissociating…be careful about assumptions…

[Cat Familiar]

I had two incidents long ago where I threw stuff at my ex, and one where I smacked him on his chest in anger.

He was being provocative both times, but the buttons that were pushed belong to me, not him.

My ex also tried to convince me that hitting him was no big deal, even said it showed how much I care.  This is sad, frightening, trauma-based talk in my opinion.  No, it’s not okay, under any circumstances (other than self defense of course).

I could see how his mind was equating being abused with love.  So sad.

That was the last time I ever allowed myself to indulge my ‘triggers’ in that way.  That included not just mindlessly drinking around him, as in all circumstances where I lost it with him, alcohol was involved.  Alcohol has not played that kind of a role in any other area of my life, but the fact remains….he is a person I cannot just mindlessly drink around, or mindlessly engage with, b/c he CAN be very provocative (of course he can, he has a trauma background so that’s what he does) …and I have to be very on top of myself and my own reactions when around him.

In a previous post where I describe getting so upset that I started beating the mattress and crying, he got this weird little smile on his face. It made him happy in a peculiar way to see me dysregulate.

They understand and can relate to dysregulated emotional states.

or he was just dissociating…be careful about assumptions…

I'm pretty sure that my husband felt comforted by the thought that now he was the calm rational one, while I was freaking out. It's behavior that he has almost never seen from me in the ten years we've been together.

The irony is that he was a lawyer for over thirty years and that he had to be supremely in control. That is who I thought I had married. What a surprise to discover who he really is... .

And you make a good point--I was drinking when my dysregulation happened.

[ColdEthyl]

I had two incidents long ago where I threw stuff at my ex, and one where I smacked him on his chest in anger.

He was being provocative both times, but the buttons that were pushed belong to me, not him.

My ex also tried to convince me that hitting him was no big deal, even said it showed how much I care.  This is sad, frightening, trauma-based talk in my opinion.  No, it’s not okay, under any circumstances (other than self defense of course).

I could see how his mind was equating being abused with love.  So sad.

That was the last time I ever allowed myself to indulge my ‘triggers’ in that way.  That included not just mindlessly drinking around him, as in all circumstances where I lost it with him, alcohol was involved.  Alcohol has not played that kind of a role in any other area of my life, but the fact remains….he is a person I cannot just mindlessly drink around, or mindlessly engage with, b/c he CAN be very provocative (of course he can, he has a trauma background so that’s what he does) …and I have to be very on top of myself and my own reactions when around him.

In a previous post where I describe getting so upset that I started beating the mattress and crying, he got this weird little smile on his face. It made him happy in a peculiar way to see me dysregulate.

They understand and can relate to dysregulated emotional states.

or he was just dissociating…be careful about assumptions…

Nope he's not a good person for me to be drinking around. In fact, I honestly never... and I mean NEVER drank until I met him. I have picked up his bad habit.

@greykitty I have thought about that, and I admit it's all on me. It's not HIS fault I chose to drank anymore than it's his fault I snapped in mid-sleep. I have decided to not drink anymore, or at least try not to. He drinks, so it's easy for me to sometimes want to drink with him.

[Grey Kitty]

Nope he's not a good person for me to be drinking around. In fact, I honestly never... and I mean NEVER drank until I met him. I have picked up his bad habit.

@greykitty I have thought about that, and I admit it's all on me. It's not HIS fault I chose to drank anymore than it's his fault I snapped in mid-sleep. I have decided to not drink anymore, or at least try not to. He drinks, so it's easy for me to sometimes want to drink with him.

Sounds like you are learning something good about yourself and are making the right choice.

I'd suggest that the specific lesson is making sure you are in a safe environment, with safe people before drinking. (And that your husband isn't one of those)

The result will still be about the same as not drinking anymore. I'd guess you seldom find yourself in a socially appropriate place with people other than your husband who are safe to get drunk with! (I won't offer to introduce you to single malt scotch! )

[ColdEthyl]

Nope he's not a good person for me to be drinking around. In fact, I honestly never... and I mean NEVER drank until I met him. I have picked up his bad habit.

@greykitty I have thought about that, and I admit it's all on me. It's not HIS fault I chose to drank anymore than it's his fault I snapped in mid-sleep. I have decided to not drink anymore, or at least try not to. He drinks, so it's easy for me to sometimes want to drink with him.

Sounds like you are learning something good about yourself and are making the right choice.

I'd suggest that the specific lesson is making sure you are in a safe environment, with safe people before drinking. (And that your husband isn't one of those)

The result will still be about the same as not drinking anymore. I'd guess you seldom find yourself in a socially appropriate place with people other than your husband who are safe to get drunk with! (I won't offer to introduce you to single malt scotch! )

I do not find myself in that sort of environment, and honestly I don't wish to. I drink with him sometimes, and 90% of the time this doesn't happen. But if I lose my head that 10%, then best not to partake