Christmas Eve thread - Post how you're feeling

[Depression = 72% of members]

Holidays can be a lonely. If you're alone, bored, have questions, or just plain need to vent. There is no particular point of this thread except for members to support each other on this holiday. I'll be around for a couple hours. Post away!

[fred6]

Holidays can be a lonely. If you're alone, bored, have questions, or just plain need to vent. There is no particular point of this thread except for members to support each other on this holiday. I'll be around for a couple hours. Post away!

[Hope0807]

Hey Fred,

I'm finding peace, lots of it.  Months ago and this summer I thought I would never stop shattering and crying.  I thought I would never smile or feel joy again.  All I wanted to do was read and learn about the personality disordered person that had just discarded me so cruelly.

I'm starting to smile again, and laugh on my own - either something on tv, something I've read, or just life in general.  I've even made a few home cooked meals recently and for me, that was monumental healing.  I'm sitting here next to my snoring, farting dog with a blanket keeping my toes warm.  I remember my exBPD being so sweetly always willing to keep my toes warm…but I also remember finding him in bed with another woman, the years of lies, the giant bag full of illegal drugs and the list goes on and on and on.

I'm alone…but at peace…and feeling extremely grateful…for you…this bpdfamily.    

[Infern0]

It's actually Christmas day where I am.

I'm on my own today but feeling alright,  just been working out a nutrition plan and workout schedule which is productive.

I've caught myself ruminating a little bit.  I'm kind of frustrated that she's likely enjoying Christmas day with the replacement she was cheating on with me a month ago (he doesn't know) It just annoys me a little bit how she's likely putting on her act enjoying herself while not even that long ago we were planning our Christmas together and were going to go overseas and visit my relatives.

But alas ruminating is not healthy

[Left broken and confused]

I have my sister and niece over tonight and l still feel very lonely.  I am missing my ex alot and keep thinking of him with my replacement opening presents in the morning with his son. I know in my head it was not all the great but I guess I am remembering it better then it was I texted him earlier to say Merry Christmas and he answer pleasantly but to the point

[ShadowIntheNight]

I've already cried once. It hit me yesterday she hadn't sent me the Xmas picture card of her and her kids this year, the first time in 9 years. I bit my sister's head off earlier today and had to apologize. I don't mask my feelings well, but I've got to do it tomorrow. Don't want to ruin everyone else's day.

And I'm wondering if she's thinking about me and remembering our times together in the past. We always celebrated after Christmas. New Years was our big deal. I suspect she'll be with the new guy this year with her kids. And just a year ago she was a lesbian. Merry Christmas to me... .

[Targeted]

Feeling down,  feeling like I failed my best friend that I fell in love with,  feel like I have been used, feel lied to and cheated on,  feel like even though I am with family that I know loves me I can't feel it,  I feel stronger that it's over,  I feel like I still want to help her,  I feel like I need to stay away from her, I feel like I want to be with her, I feel like all I should focus on is my children, I feel like I am healing slowly, I feel like pushing forward and do not have the energy to do so, but most of all I feel happy I know why I have my feelings.

[fred6]

Hey Fred,

I'm finding peace, lots of it.  Months ago and this summer I thought I would never stop shattering and crying.  I thought I would never smile or feel joy again.  All I wanted to do was read and learn about the personality disordered person that had just discarded me so cruelly.

I'm starting to smile again, and laugh on my own - either something on tv, something I've read, or just life in general.  I've even made a few home cooked meals recently and for me, that was monumental healing.  I'm sitting here next to my snoring, farting dog with a blanket keeping my toes warm.  I remember my exBPD being so sweetly always willing to keep my toes warm…but I also remember finding him in bed with another woman, the years of lies, the giant bag full of illegal drugs and the list goes on and on and on.

I'm alone…but at peace…and feeling extremely grateful…for you…this bpdfamily.    

Well, you're not alone Hope0807, even on Christmas Eve. You have this community. There are so many members that are alone right now. We're all in this together, regardless of our personal circumstances. I'm so glad that you are doing better. Keep working and it will get easier and easier.

[fred6]

It's actually Christmas day where I am.

I'm on my own today but feeling alright,  just been working out a nutrition plan and workout schedule which is productive.

I've caught myself ruminating a little bit.  I'm kind of frustrated that she's likely enjoying Christmas day with the replacement she was cheating on with me a month ago (he doesn't know) It just annoys me a little bit how she's likely putting on her act enjoying herself while not even that long ago we were planning our Christmas together and were going to go overseas and visit my relatives.

But alas ruminating is not healthy

Hey my old buddy Infern0. Hope you been doing well. Yeah, the ruminating will get ya. But it's normal for us. I'm right there with ya, I do it too. But realize that the way forward is in you. You're here, and and we all have your back.

I'm central time US. Where are you?

Merry Christmas Infern0       

[fred6]

I have my sister and niece over tonight and l still feel very lonely.  I am missing my ex alot and keep thinking of him with my replacement opening presents in the morning with his son. I know in my head it was not all the great but I guess I am remembering it better then it was I texted him earlier to say Merry Christmas and he answer pleasantly but to the point

In my opinion, you did the right thing wishing him a Merry Christmas. It's the right thing to do. But now deal with yourself. I know it's lonely, but you're strong and you'll be OK. Take care of yourself.

[mrshambles]

I'm full of anxiety right now as my expwBPD invited me to come over on Xmas eve to spend time with my son and her two girls I raised for years. I haven't really hung with her since the b/u buts it's like being around a total stranger. It makes me sad. I keep catching crap as well about the replacement and how happy she is. *sigh I came for the kids and I'll leave with more shame put on me.

[fred6]

Feeling down,  feeling like I failed my best friend that I fell in love with,  feel like I have been used, feel lied to and cheated on,  feel like even though I am with family that I know loves me I can't feel it,  I feel stronger that it's over,  I feel like I still want to help her,  I feel like I need to stay away from her, I feel like I want to be with her, I feel like all I should focus on is my children, I feel like I am healing slowly, I feel like pushing forward and do not have the energy to do so, but most of all I feel happy I know why I have my feelings.

Confusing isn't it? I completely understand what you are conveying. Your feelings are completely normal. Step back and understand that your ex is wired differently than you. You haven't failed anyone except yourself. You're on the Leaving board. The thing that we all have to realize is that it's over. Gotta move forward as hard as it may be.

It may show my age, but I'll leave you with this. I was born in 1972. This song was released in 1973. Not to trigger you. Just to let it set in. We have to deal with it. SHE'S GONE, BETTER LEARN HOW TO FACE IT. Great song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVUOtH8feoI

She's Gone She's Gone

Oh why? Oh why?

I better learn how to face it

She's Gone She's Gone

Oh why? Oh why?

I'd pay the devil to replace her

She's Gone She's Gone

Oh why? Oh why?

What went wrong?

Take care of yourself Targeted. You are a great person. Believe it  

[fred6]

I'm full of anxiety right now as my expwBPD invited me to come over on Xmas eve to spend time with my son and her two girls I raised for years. I haven't really hung with her since the b/u buts it's like being around a total stranger. It makes me sad. I keep catching crap as well about the replacement and how happy she is. *sigh I came for the kids and I'll leave with more shame put on me.

I know it's hard mrshambles. When kids are involved it makes it complicated. Maybe you can see the kids away from your ex. How long are you post breakup?

[Hope0807]

"Make your mess your message"

I just heard this from someone I consider an inspiration.  I LOVE it! 

[billypilgrim]

I'm feeling weird.  I don't think it's a bad weird.  I think it's an unfamiliar weird.  Tomorrow (Christmas) will be 2 months since she left and roughly 6 weeks no contact.  Things have been much calmer.  And much more peaceful since she left.  I've also come a long way with my personal gains.  I still have some issues with loneliness.  I still have moments of sadness.  But I'm out.  And that's about the best Christmas gift I could have asked for this year.

It's just very strange to think that not 2 months ago, I would have done anything for this person I called my wife.  Now I honestly hope I never really have to deal with her ever again.  From married, planning kids, and living together one minute to 2 months later completely moved out, out of my life, and replaced.  That all seems way too fast.  But I think it's just indicative of how the relationship was in general.  Intense and fast paced from start to finish. 

[fred6]

I'm feeling weird.  I don't think it's a bad weird.  I think it's an unfamiliar weird.  Tomorrow (Christmas) will be 2 months since she left and roughly 6 weeks no contact.  Things have been much calmer.  And much more peaceful since she left.  I've also come a long way with my personal gains.  I still have some issues with loneliness.  I still have moments of sadness.  But I'm out.  And that's about the best Christmas gift I could have asked for this year.

It's just very strange to think that not 2 months ago, I would have done anything for this person I called my wife.  Now I honestly hope I never really have to deal with her ever again.  From married, planning kids, and living together one minute to 2 months later completely moved out, out of my life, and replaced.  That all seems way too fast.  But I think it's just indicative of how the relationship was in general.  Intense and fast paced from start to finish. 

billypilgrim, I remember that I was your first reply on the new members forum. I recommended you to the staying or leaving forum. Sorry for the misdirection, but your found your place. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year billypilgrim. You're on your journey. Take care or yourself!

[mrshambles]

A little over a month. We were together for 4 1/2 years. A lot of make up and break ups. They are in bed and it's so far away im just sitting here in the room with Her. She's already mirroring the replacement. Makes things super awkward.

[billypilgrim]

billypilgrim, I remember that I was your first reply on the new members forum. I recommended you to the staying or leaving forum. Sorry for the misdirection, but your found your place.

When I first started posting, I didn't know what board to post to.  I didn't even fully understand what was going on.  My T pointed me in this direction and up until her mentioning it, I had no idea what BPD/ClusterB disorders even were.  Let alone did I think I could have married one.  And at that time, I honestly thought there could be a possibility of reconciliation.  But as I continued to meet with my T and the fog continued to lift, I realized just how bad things were.  I educated myself on the disorder.  I applied it to my relationship and even what I know about my ex's previous relationships and finally.  Something to explain all of those gut instincts and feelings that something isn't quite right.  All of those red flag moments I ignored or explained away.  There's no way I could go back to that, even if she shows as that girl that she pretended to be 6 years ago.  The one I thought I married.  That person does not exist.

But thanks for responding the first time and Merry Christmas to you as well.  I'm glad I found my journey, I hope everyone else finds peace as well.

[downwhim]

I am losing it right now. Just took an anxiety pill. I had a nice Christmas Eve dinner with my sister and her boyfriend at a beautiful restaurant overlooking the river. I sat alone on my side listening to them and their plans. Ruminating about ex. I got home and realized I left my phone in my sisters car so can't call a friend. Thank God for all of you.

He is with replacement tonight and that pisses me off. 2 1/2 months ago we were together talking a wedding. Hate him. Went to my office to call my sister about the phone and picked up his clothes etc. he made such a fuss over but never picked up. I threw them in a dumpster. It felt good. It has been bothering me that here they sat at my office reception desk on the floor for 2 1/2 months. Got home smashed the two perfect silver dollars found on the beach that were suppose to represent him and I. Threw them in the garbage. Two items that triggered me are now gone.

Tomorrow is time with my kids for Christmas. They are at their dad's tonight.  I need to get a hold of myself. I am angry, alone, and sad. I hate what he did to me. I want the pain to go away.

[fred6]

A little over a month. We were together for 4 1/2 years. A lot of make up and break ups. They are in bed and it's so far away im just sitting here in the room with Her. She's already mirroring the replacement. Makes things super awkward.

Been there, done that. We were together for 38 months officially. It wasn't fun.

Are you still living with her?

[Xidion]

Honestly, I'm absolutely torn. I had a breakdown as soon as I got home from work (15 minutes ago). There should be a Christmas tree in my apartment with her waiting for me to get home. So we could spend our first Christmas together as a couple in our own home. Instead, there's just me, dirty dishes in the sink, and laundry to be done.

I miss her so much, but I don't want to be anywhere near her. I love her so much, but I hate her. I mourn my loss, and wipe away the tears telling myself I'm better off. I want to hold her and kiss her cheeks like I used to, but I want to forget about her. I want that innocent person that I fell in love with, but she doesn't exist. I want the first 6 months of our relationship back and for it to last forever, but I don't want to live forever. I want to erase her from my memory, but I don't want to forget about her. I wanted to love her forever, but forever isn't a word that she understands. I wanted to take care of her, but my efforts were futile. I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm lonely. I can't stop crying.

[mrshambles]

No. Just came to her house for the kids.

[fred6]

I am losing it right now. Just took an anxiety pill. I had a nice Christmas Eve dinner with my sister and her boyfriend at a beautiful restaurant overlooking the river. I sat alone on my side listening to them and their plans. Ruminating about ex. I got home and realized I left my phone in my sisters car so can't call a friend. Thank God for all of you.

He is with replacement tonight and that pisses me off. 2 1/2 months ago we were together talking a wedding. Hate him. Went to my office to call my sister about the phone and picked up his clothes etc. he made such a fuss over but never picked up. I threw them in a dumpster. It felt good. It has been bothering me that here they sat at my office reception desk on the floor for 2 1/2 months. Got home smashed the two perfect silver dollars found on the beach that were suppose to represent him and I. Threw them in the garbage. Two items that triggered me are now gone.

Tomorrow is time with my kids for Christmas. They are at their dad's tonight.  I need to get a hold of myself. I am angry, alone, and sad. I hate what he did to me. I want the pain to go away.

downwhim, I started this thread for all of us. You seem like a strong person. Are you?

I know it's hard. I've been there. I'm still there somewhat. I want you to know that you're not alone. Merry Christmas sweetheart.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Dont have my daughter this xmas so that is hard... .but just got a smart tv and wireless internet... . good distraction. have a decent new job. respectable and pays decent. i am 110% better off since i lefg him but its a struggle not to contact him tonight. would like to cuddle and watch netflix. probable less to do with him tho. well who he actually is anyway. the good person he pretends to be at first. yea that guy. the real guy... no thanks

[fred6]

Honestly, I'm absolutely torn. I had a breakdown as soon as I got home from work (15 minutes ago). There should be a Christmas tree in my apartment with her waiting for me to get home. So we could spend our first Christmas together as a couple in our own home. Instead, there's just me, dirty dishes in the sink, and laundry to be done.

I miss her so much, but I don't want to be anywhere near her. I love her so much, but I hate her. I mourn my loss, and wipe away the tears telling myself I'm better off. I want to hold her and kiss her cheeks like I used to, but I want to forget about her. I want that innocent person that I fell in love with, but she doesn't exist. I want the first 6 months of our relationship back and for it to last forever, but I don't want to live forever. I want to erase her from my memory, but I don't want to forget about her. I wanted to love her forever, but forever isn't a word that she understands. I wanted to take care of her, but my efforts were futile. I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm lonely. I can't stop crying.

So on Xmas eve, what do you want to do?

[downwhim]

Fred, thank you. Thanks for listening. Thanks for saying Merry Christmas and thanks for just being here. I am strong but it still hurts... .I pray 2015 brings happiness.

[Targeted]

Feeling down,  feeling like I failed my best friend that I fell in love with,  feel like I have been used, feel lied to and cheated on,  feel like even though I am with family that I know loves me I can't feel it,  I feel stronger that it's over,  I feel like I still want to help her,  I feel like I need to stay away from her, I feel like I want to be with her, I feel like all I should focus on is my children, I feel like I am healing slowly, I feel like pushing forward and do not have the energy to do so, but most of all I feel happy I know why I have my feelings.

Confusing isn't it? I completely understand what you are conveying. Your feelings are completely normal. Step back and understand that your ex is wired differently than you. You haven't failed anyone except yourself. You're on the Leaving board. The thing that we all have to realize is that it's over. Gotta move forward as hard as it may be.

It may show my age, but I'll leave you with this. I was born in 1972. This song was released in 1973. Not to trigger you. Just to let it set in. We have to deal with it. SHE'S GONE, BETTER LEARN HOW TO FACE IT. Great song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVUOtH8feoI

She's Gone She's Gone

Oh why? Oh why?

I better learn how to face it

She's Gone She's Gone

Oh why? Oh why?

I'd pay the devil to replace her

She's Gone She's Gone

Oh why? Oh why?

What went wrong?

Take care of yourself Targeted. You are a great person. Believe it  


[/quote

Lol,   I was born in 71!     This family is beautiful'

[fred6]

Fred, thank you. Thanks for listening. Thanks for saying Merry Christmas and thanks for just being here. I am strong but it still hurts... .I pray 2015 brings happiness.

I know it hurts. I hurt. But we have to be strong this time of the year. downwhim, I sent my ex a Christmas gift. U have have to find your middle ground. I can't tell you what to do. Just take care of yourself

[TheDude]

I hope there's room for a good one here... .I'm absolutely ecstatic!

I haven't done a Christmas Eve with my family in 9 years, and had never met my 5 great nieces and nephews (from 3 months to 5 years old). I was actually a bit nervous, still with remnants of my ex insinuating that I hated her kids, not to mention being somewhat isolated from my family throughout the 'relationship'.

Today was the best day I've had in years. Tears of joy as I drove away. Best therapy ever.

My best wishes to you who are hurting. It can and will get better.

[ShadowIntheNight]

So this is some new fun. I went outside about 2 hours ago to bring my elderly dog inside. Looked in his house, not there. Walked to the gate, and it was standing wide open. That gate is never open unless I open it. The only thing I can figure is when the guy appraised the house 2 weeks ago he didn't latch it back properly, we had high winds this evening and it must have blown it open. So I've just spent the last 1.5 hours walking and driving around my neighborhood looking for my dog, who is elderly and deaf. He's only gotten out one other time in the 16 years I've had him. That was when I went and met my uexBPDgf for the first time exactly 10 years ago. I'll have to wait til daylight to do more searching. All prayers for him will be greatly appreciated... .

[Splitblack4good]

No. Just came to her house for the kids.

My replacement I'm sure will be at my exBPDgf house today they only been together 6 weeks I'm sat here on my own while he opens the presents with her kids he's taken my place within 6 lousy weeks ! I don't normaly enjoy Xmas as it is more for the kids now it's even worse ! I'm sure my ex will be thinking and feeling pretty crap to tho ! Got a call from her yesturday crying feeling regret ! Her new little world is slowly crumbling .As all we did was talk about today for the last few months and what we were gona get the kids Im suffering abit right now but I hope her shame , guilt , regret get the better of her !