checked her instagram. ... so angry

[Infern0]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I did.

Sure enough there she is,  all cuddled up with my replacement (when will it end)

I can't stand it that she gets away with everything she has done,  to me, to the guys before me, to my replacement who just one month ago she was cheating on with me and calling him an abuser and that she didn't love him and he was making her sick.

And there she is surrounded by presents her gaslit replacement has bought her,  with all the no nothing aquaintances of theirs telling them what a perfect couple they are.

It's all i can do to not publish all the texts,  all the nude selfies,  all the voicemails,  all the Facebook messages.  I just want to unleash it all and watch her world come crashing down.

It's not fair that I'm alone on Christmas,  depressed and she's having the time of her life.  It is not fair.

[Elpis]

I'm sure it feels unfair--but don't you feel so much more sane without her?

So much of what a pwBPD shows the world is bravado and show anyway. And it's time for us to take care of ourselves, something we couldn't do when we were with them because we were too busy taking care of them, right?

Hang in there, the holiday will soon be over, and STEP AWAY FROM THE INSTAGRAM. 

[NonAverageJoe]

I deleted and blocked from FB instantly when I dumped my Ex.

I have not checked anything and won't. I have been in the STRICTEST of NC since she can't even do a simple stuff exchange (the only time I broke NC uninitiated by her).

She had to go out of her with to rub it in my face.

Get like me. Respect yourself. I don't want to be with anybody that doesn't want to be with me.

[Infern0]

I deleted and blocked from FB instantly when I dumped my Ex.

I have not checked anything and won't. I have been in the STRICTEST of NC since she can't even do a simple stuff exchange (the only time I broke NC uninitiated by her).

She had to go out of her with to rub it in my face.

Get like me. Respect yourself. I don't want to be with anybody that doesn't want to be with me.

Yeah it was a stupid mistake,  her instagram came up in the auto fill on my phone and I just clicked without thinking.  Deleted it now.

I don't want to be with her bro I just want some justice,  after everything she's done this year it's just bull___.

Ah well

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

It's all i can do to not publish all the texts,  all the nude selfies,  all the voicemails,  all the Facebook messages.  I just want to unleash it all and watch her world come crashing down.

Instead of publishing them why don't you delete them all?  Publishing them will only bring shame onto your character - and may get you into serious legal trouble. Radio Silence is your best friend.  :)etach and move on.  

[Infern0]

It's all i can do to not publish all the texts,  all the nude selfies,  all the voicemails,  all the Facebook messages.  I just want to unleash it all and watch her world come crashing down.

Instead of publishing them why don't you delete them all?  Publishing them will only bring shame onto your character - and may get you into serious legal trouble. Radio Silence is your best friend.  :)etach and move on.  

I have tossed up deleting them. I am holding onto them because I walked away and went NC and she has been trying to break the NC and I'm concerned as to what lengths she might go to to drag me back in. I kind of loosely threatened to forward the pictures on to her boyfriend if she tried to screw with me so hope that keeps her at bay.

[NonAverageJoe]

Karma is not a cosmological revenge system... .

But... .There is good karma and bad karma and without getting into the philosophical aspects. My understanding of it is this: the karma of a good gardener is a healthy garden. The karma of a dishonest person is a dishonest life. Men age like wine, women age like milk. For you the best is yet to come.

We have all learned lessons from these interactions. Powerful lessons. For me, the lesson is very complex. I have learned how to maintain attraction throughout a relationship but I have also learned that too much avoidance leads to resentment.

The flip side of all this is that these people were not emotionally healthy and boundaries are war.

Frequently BPD relationships end with NONs after 1.5-2.5-3 years because the NON enforces boundaries. They last about fifteen years when the NON is completely codependent is a caretaker and allows the BPD to walk all over them, cheat, run their life etc.

An untreated BPD is not a good candidate for a partner no matter how good they look on paper.

My ex was a hard worker but she was a compulsive spender and she proved herself to be a pathological liar.

What about your Ex BPD or not disqualifies her from being a good partner? Focus on that.

[patientandclear]

Men age like wine, women age like milk.

What a ridiculous comment.  Joe, did you consider that maybe half the people posting and reading here are women?  It's true that everything about our society is set up to marginalize women as they age, but it would be nice if members of a supportive community could counterbalance that rather than contributing to it.

[ScotisGone74]

I dont believe that statement was meant to marginalize anyone Patient, so dont take it as a   personal insult please.   Unfortunately from my time spent on her the majority of us appear to be men, that , in many cases have been emotionally and mentally raped.    We do appreciate everyone s perspective.   

[Recooperating]

Hey Inferno,

I know exactly how you feel and Im so sorry you had to see this, especially in these already difficult season... .Ive had the same    -reactions to my exBPDbf pictures and the woman he cheated on with, completely trashed everything about her to me and now they "seem" to live happily ever after. They've been together 2 weeks after b/u.   

But in reality; what you saw on Instagram was nothing more then a scene out of her personal soap opera fake ass sh!tty life. Its a life episode of "the bold and the beautifull". (Or in this case maybe "the bald and the beautifull" ? )

Rise up Inferno, see it for what it is... .Absolute nonsense! No revenge needed, she has to live with this sh!tty disorder, she will never be truely happy, she will have to live like this for the rest of her life (unless she gets some serious help). There is nothing you can inflict, no revenge that will cause her more pain then she's already in. Nothing!

You on the other hand can live without that BS, you have the opportunity to work on yourself and find happiness! So the joke is on her!

Remember: Silence is better then Bullsh!t and the best revenge is being happy without her!

Hope you'll feel better!

Warm X-mas greetings 

[Blimblam]

I decided to stay off social media for at least 6 months. Just too painfull.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's not fair that I'm alone on Christmas,  depressed and she's having the time of her life.  It is not fair.

You know her pretty well Inferno; is she really having the time of her life?  For borderlines it's either engulfment or abandonment, idealization or devaluation.  And really, be honest, would you rather be where you are or where the other guy is?

Anyway, looking at social media is a good way to check in with yourself and see how you're doing with your detachment.  What if perfect detachment was looking at something like that and having zero emotional response, like it didn't mean anything?  You've come a long way, and since your response wasn't zero, how can you use this moving forward?  What can you make this mean that serves you?  Christmas is as Merry as you decide to make it, and I wish you a Merry one.

[jhkbuzz]

Quick background:  a little over 4 months out from the breakup, a little over 2 months n/c.  She lied ongoingly and was repeatedly unfaithful; my FOG lifted only very recently.

I can hear in your post you are in a tremendous amount of pain, and very angry.  If you are not familiar with the 5 stages of grief, do a little reading - you are clearly in the anger stage, which was one of my personal favorites.  It deadens pain to some degree, if only for a little while.

Having moved through that stage, I can tell you that one of the things I'm happiest about is that, although I had some of the exact same revenge fantasies as you - I never acted on any of them.  As I move forward in my healing I find it comforting that I didn't betray myself or my core values based on her (awful) behavior.  I am proud that I remained a person of integrity and don't have anything to be ashamed of or regret (in terms of my own behavior).  

Go strict no contact and do your best to resist the urge for revenge.  It will pass and you will begin to heal.

[Elpis]

Men age like wine, women age like milk. For you the best is yet to come.

Please don't lump us all together like that--there are plenty of great women out there, and character is way more important in the long run than trying to look like you're 20 when you're... .not. Know that right now we all may be quite jaded, because we've been dealing with someone with a PD and that colors everything! Once we get into the pure clean light again we'll be able to see people more truly for who they are, men and women. I still like men, but I know it's gonna be a while before I trust them again.

(but yes, nonaveragejoe, that's an insulting remark that says women have less value than men. And that's what we women who have been hurt by a man with a PD are trying to get away from, someone who doesn't value us.)

[willtimeheal]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I did.

Sure enough there she is,  all cuddled up with my replacement (when will it end)

I can't stand it that she gets away with everything she has done,  to me, to the guys before me, to my replacement who just one month ago she was cheating on with me and calling him an abuser and that she didn't love him and he was making her sick.

And there she is surrounded by presents her gaslit replacement has bought her,  with all the no nothing aquaintances of theirs telling them what a perfect couple they are.

It's all i can do to not publish all the texts,  all the nude selfies,  all the voicemails,  all the Facebook messages.  I just want to unleash it all and watch her world come crashing down.

It's not fair that I'm alone on Christmas,  depressed and she's having the time of her life.  It is not fair.

Go easy on yourself inferno. It is a tough time of year. I check my exes FB page today. I am waiting  the engagement announcement or the what an incredible life I have post. I feel that if I check for it and don't hear it from her or a friend the shock to my system will be lessened. We all do crazy things to get us through ... .cut your self some slack.

[maric]

Hey Inferno,

I know exactly what you feel. The impotence I feel from the injustice I suffered is huge. This is what I would like to see: justice. Two days ago I checked ex FB and saw things I shouldn't... .replacement + ex totally happy, partying, while I'm so alone and with no perspective.

In another three important relationships I had in the past, "karma" came, and they all crashed and burned. I think it's just another aspect of life, having this bad times. We are on it now, but of course the bad times will come for them somehow, it's the way life unfolds. It's just a matter of time... .

[Infern0]

Hey Inferno,

I know exactly what you feel. The impotence I feel from the injustice I suffered is huge. This is what I would like to see: justice. Two days ago I checked ex FB and saw things I shouldn't... .replacement + ex totally happy, partying, while I'm so alone and with no perspective.

In another three important relationships I had in the past, "karma" came, and they all crashed and burned. I think it's just another aspect of life, having this bad times. We are on it now, but of course the bad times will come for them somehow, it's the way life unfolds. It's just a matter of time... .

I don't know if I'm bad for wanting it. But I just want it to end between them. It's almost like while they are still together I still feel ripped off.  If she replaced him I think I'd feel less attatched?

Dunno if that makes sense

[Xidion]

Hey Inferno,

I know exactly what you feel. The impotence I feel from the injustice I suffered is huge. This is what I would like to see: justice. Two days ago I checked ex FB and saw things I shouldn't... .replacement + ex totally happy, partying, while I'm so alone and with no perspective.

In another three important relationships I had in the past, "karma" came, and they all crashed and burned. I think it's just another aspect of life, having this bad times. We are on it now, but of course the bad times will come for them somehow, it's the way life unfolds. It's just a matter of time... .

I don't know if I'm bad for wanting it. But I just want it to end between them. It's almost like while they are still together I still feel ripped off.  If she replaced him I think I'd feel less attatched?

Dunno if that makes sense

The day will come,  my friend. Have patience. Don't dwell on wanting it,  they are in thy honeymoon phase,  which is all smoke and mirrors. Give it some time. You already know how the story goes. I'm waiting for the same thing. Our justice lies in the future.

[HappyNihilist]

Infern0, I'm sorry you were triggered and are having a rough time.  

It certainly doesn't seem fair when we are hurting and our exes seem to be doing well in their lives.

The impotence I feel from the injustice I suffered is huge.

I think this is an important point. We feel powerless in such situations. We can't control things and pull them into alignment with our sense of what's "fair."

The truth is, this is a fallacy of a Just World. And life is much more peaceful when we give up these ideas of "fairness" and accept reality for what it is. There is no inherent fairness in life. You can't control your ex, the breakup, or her new relationship... .but you can control how you let those things affect you. You can control your perspective.

Men age like wine, women age like milk.

What a ridiculous comment.  Joe, did you consider that maybe half the people posting and reading here are women?  It's true that everything about our society is set up to marginalize women as they age, but it would be nice if members of a supportive community could counterbalance that rather than contributing to it.

For real. It's hard enough in our society... .I can actually see my "value" decrease every year. I'm in my mid-30s, so I guess I'm starting to curdle now.  

(but yes, nonaveragejoe, that's an insulting remark that says women have less value than men. And that's what we women who have been hurt by a man with a PD are trying to get away from, someone who doesn't value us.)

Great point, Elpis. Not to mention that people who have low self-esteem are much more vulnerable to abusive and/or toxic relationships. And feeling like you're automatically losing value and attractiveness as you age can do a number on a person's self-esteem.

[nowwhatz]

I am sorry this is happening to you. I know how painful the social media crapola can be post breakup with a BPDgf. A couple of years ago I was in a similiar position. I put myself through weeks of total hell and almost had a complete breakdown because of the social media replacement parade.

2 recycles and 2 years later and after 1 year of a continuous r/s I expect the exgf to get out there asap on social media with replacements or other nonsense. This is how they do.

Brother all I can say is I feel for you and please try to distance yourself from social media and the ex.  Don't do what I did and beat yourself up and go nuclear.  I think I fried my emotions 2 years ago by doing just that and am not sure I can ever love again. Not worth it.

[Elpis]

And how much of what we see on FaceBook is for show anyway? It's not like most people are happy 24/7, it's the smiling moments that we record for the world to see. And now I wonder how much of the charm I saw at the beginning with my uBPDh was "real" or put on.

[nowwhatz]

And how much of what we see on FaceBook is for show anyway? It's not like most people are happy 24/7, it's the smiling moments that we record for the world to see. And now I wonder how much of the charm I saw at the beginning with my uBPDh was "real" or put on.

Ain't that the truth!

I don't go on FB a lot but now that I am "single" I got bored and logged in... .posted a pic of my kitten.   Noticed FB just put up some holiday motif with my smiling pic with some kind of 2014 Your Year in Review BS.     Noticed several "friends" reposted their's with their BS "another great year!" taglines.

I was tempted to share my 2014 pre-fab Year pic with something like a "A totally crappy year filled with negativity. Just sayin"   

Maybe will do it... .a little humor in the face of darkness can be medicine.

Every effin FB post by my now ex for good BPDgf is total smiley faced BS.  Maybe there is a FB paralell universe out there somewhere.

[Elpis]

Every effin FB post by my now ex for good BPDgf is total smiley faced BS.  Maybe there is a FB paralell universe out there somewhere.

And in that universe we can post "Another great year!"

Since I left in mid February, maybe mine should say "finally a great year! Didn't have to watch a 61 year old man have tantrums!"