If I called, why would ex care if she's indifferent?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Wow... .all of these posts... .it really tears me up to see what kind of devastation BPD's have caused.

Mine left when I was on a business trip... .got a nasty text that 'its over' with not so much as a disagreement to precede the notification. She blocked me from contacting her at all via cell, email and social media (she unfriended all of my friends and somehow compelled all of hers to do the same - I can only imagine what she is saying!).

Its been 3 months since she disappeared and I decided to call her from my hotel room while on vacation so that I could solicit closure. She answered and hung up when I said hello. An hour later, I received a call from the local cops insisting that I was harassing her!

I have read that this splitting and cold treatment is a power grab for BPD's (she is a waif type). But power supposes some sort of continuum I think. Doesn't it? I mean, if she were indifferent, ,I don't think that she would care less if I called or not. What do you suppose gives? As I understand them now, they seem to return like boomerrangs be it 3 months or 24 months. Should I be expecting a knock on my door sometime next year?

This was a huge struggle for me to deal with. but her calling the cops was exactly what I needed to turn around as far as she is concerned. It is clear that has has little regard of the impact that her actions have exacted upon myself and my daughter, but has corresponding little concern if her ends are met if she also besmirches me legally. I don't need sociopaths in my life.

The more I learn about these types, the more I realizes what vermin that they can be.

[JRT]

Wow... .all of these posts... .it really tears me up to see what kind of devastation BPD's have caused.

Mine left when I was on a business trip... .got a nasty text that 'its over' with not so much as a disagreement to precede the notification. She blocked me from contacting her at all via cell, email and social media (she unfriended all of my friends and somehow compelled all of hers to do the same - I can only imagine what she is saying!).

Its been 3 months since she disappeared and I decided to call her from my hotel room while on vacation so that I could solicit closure. She answered and hung up when I said hello. An hour later, I received a call from the local cops insisting that I was harassing her!

I have read that this splitting and cold treatment is a power grab for BPD's (she is a waif type). But power supposes some sort of continuum I think. Doesn't it? I mean, if she were indifferent, ,I don't think that she would care less if I called or not. What do you suppose gives? As I understand them now, they seem to return like boomerrangs be it 3 months or 24 months. Should I be expecting a knock on my door sometime next year?

This was a huge struggle for me to deal with. but her calling the cops was exactly what I needed to turn around as far as she is concerned. It is clear that has has little regard of the impact that her actions have exacted upon myself and my daughter, but has corresponding little concern if her ends are met if she also besmirches me legally. I don't need sociopaths in my life.

The more I learn about these types, the more I realizes what vermin that they can be.

[jammo1989]

Hey JRT, im not really allowed to give advice, so ill keep it as simple as possible, BPD is an attachment disorder, they attach to people to avoid the feeling of be alone, but the what they lack is the bonding needed to sustain relationahips.  If the BPD had narcsisstic parents or had an abusive childhood the bonding between the mother and child never existed.  They will attach not through love but through the survival of their inner own fears of abandonment.  

P.s im in exactly the same position, was blocked off FB, mobile, whats app, and was replaced instantly so i know the feeling, but remember, knowledge is power!

[hurting300]

Mine did about the same thing. She just disappeared and never broke up with me. She deactivated her Facebook and changed her number. She does do the drive by's and cyber stalking. I've read a ton on cluster b personality disorders. One thing that seems to stand out is they don't detach fully, meaning they could come back a week later or a decade later. I think you should work on yourself and heal. Trying to figure out a mentally ill person will drive you crazy.

[neverloveagain]

The waif is the deadliest siren by far, and the coldest, put a full stop behind you never look back. Tommorow is going to bring you a new day embrace it the best you can. Its for you alone now. I read the posts on rageing witches and queens but the waif is covert and stealthy like an un known enemy.

[hurting300]

The waif is the deadliest siren by far, and the coldest, put a full stop behind you never look back. Tommorow is going to bring you a new day embrace it the best you can. Its for you alone now. I read the posts on rageing witches and queens but the waif is covert and stealthy like an un known enemy.

I've read they do the most inappropriate things and by far the most damage.

[HappyNihilist]

JRT, I'm sorry you've been going through this.   Being left so coldly by someone we love is horribly painful and confusing. We crave closure, and unfortunately disordered people are not able to give that to us. We have to find closure for ourselves.

For her to call the police like that... .well, I completely understand why that would be the last straw for you. You have to do what you feel is best for you and your daughter. 

I have read that this splitting and cold treatment is a power grab for BPD's (she is a waif type). But power supposes some sort of continuum I think. Doesn't it?

Splitting is not a power grab. It is not conscious. It's a cognitive distortion used as a defense mechanism. Splitting is how the pwBPD sees the world, as "all or nothing," black or white with no grey area.

It doesn't make sense to us because we don't see the world that way (at least not on a regular basis; it's only human to have cognitive distortions on occasion).

One of the DSM IV-TR criteria for this disorder is a description of splitting: "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation". In psychoanalytic theory, people with borderline personality disorder are not able to integrate the good and bad images of both self and others, resulting in a bad representation which dominates the good representation. (link)

Splitting is an example of Dissociation - or "Feelings Create Facts" - where a Personality Disordered person's feelings take priority over what the facts actually tell them. If they experience a mood swing and suddenly feel good or bad about a particular person or situation, they can instantly modify their opinions, memories or attitudes to be consistent those feelings, regardless of any apparent contradictions. (link)

I mean, if she were indifferent, ,I don't think that she would care less if I called or not. What do you suppose gives? As I understand them now, they seem to return like boomerrangs be it 3 months or 24 months. Should I be expecting a knock on my door sometime next year?

Some pwBPD never try to re-engage; others do. I would say that most of them will at least attempt contact after a while.

It can be helpful to prepare for an eventual "reaching out" on her part.

The waif is the deadliest siren by far, and the coldest, put a full stop behind you never look back. Tommorow is going to bring you a new day embrace it the best you can. Its for you alone now. I read the posts on rageing witches and queens but the waif is covert and stealthy like an un known enemy.

I've read they do the most inappropriate things and by far the most damage.

Every person and situation is different, of course. But I have to say that -- after a lot of reading, coming these boards, and talking with people who've been in BPD r/s's -- I'm actually quite grateful that my exBPDbf is more "outward-acting" (like a female witch/queen) than "inward-acting" (like a waif/hermit).

[JRT]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, I really appreciate all of your posts. If you would have told me that anything like this exists just 3 months ago, I probably would have laughed at you. The entire episode still blows my mind: she had just moved in 3 weeks earlier and we began to finally plan our wedding. If aliens jumped out of my computer screen I would be less surprised! There was NO sign of this last episode thought there we some other previous 'cycles' (but not with this much scorched earth associated or of this duration. She usually circled back within a couple of hours or 30 days at the most).

It also surprising to hear of all of the similar accounts. When I began to research this, I thought that this was just some random something or other. We of course know that it is anything but. I am sorry to hear that you all are going through this. For me, this past incident of calling the cops did a LOT to paint her as a horribly bad person with little regard for what pain that they had caused. I became angry and that was all that I really needed after 9 weeks of hoping to salvage this thing.

At the same time, there is a part of me that wants to mess with her. Although she blocked me in FB and now cannot 'see' me, I made all of my posts 'public' and anyone with a browser can see them.  I would guess that part of her anger is associated with the fact that my posts went on as if nothing happened (in fact, every thing except this break up has been fantastically good), I am certain that this bothers her. I don't think that she has stalked my house as some do but I am pretty sure that she has found me on an online dating site and visits regularly. If cutting me out or going cold is about power, I really wish that with what little cards I have left to play, make her realize what little power she has any longer.


PS Anyone have any idea why she would leave a TON of stuff including her sons baby memorabilia, family heirloom jewelry, sentimental cards, etc. The kind of stuff that you go into a burning building to rescue. Or why she took cards off of the fridge that she gave to me that were sappy? Or why she keep the place holder engagement ring (we had not had a chance to get the permanent one made, the one I gave her was a virtually worthless silver band). Or why she NEVER called me by my first name.

[Infern0]

Funnily enough if they hate you / split you it means that you were important to them. Funny how it works.

As for them coming back,  mine has every single time she has split me. I have usually always given in except for this time when I held firm no contact despite her best efforts and wanting to talk (after she'd split me and told me she never wanted to talk to me again)

So she's given it a rest but I'm sure she will try again,  I'm dreading it ending with her replacement on that score because I imagine I'll be love bombed again.

[JRT]

Funnily enough if they hate you / split you it means that you were important to them. Funny how it works.

As for them coming back,  mine has every single time she has split me. I have usually always given in except for this time when I held firm no contact despite her best efforts and wanting to talk (after she'd split me and told me she never wanted to talk to me again)

So she's given it a rest but I'm sure she will try again,  I'm dreading it ending with her replacement on that score because I imagine I'll be love bombed again.

[/quot

wow, IT sure IS! She had a spate of complimenting me and telling me how great she thought, her family thought, her co workers thought and her freinds thought how wonderful that I was JSUT before the episode... .what was the longest that yours 'disappeared'?

[Infern0]

Funnily enough if they hate you / split you it means that you were important to them. Funny how it works.

As for them coming back,  mine has every single time she has split me. I have usually always given in except for this time when I held firm no contact despite her best efforts and wanting to talk (after she'd split me and told me she never wanted to talk to me again)

So she's given it a rest but I'm sure she will try again,  I'm dreading it ending with her replacement on that score because I imagine I'll be love bombed again.

[/quot

wow, IT sure IS! She had a spate of complimenting me and telling me how great she thought, her family thought, her co workers thought and her freinds thought how wonderful that I was JSUT before the episode... .what was the longest that yours 'disappeared'?

I think about two months.  The last message she sent me was "don't ever talk to me again" and then after like 2 months "I don't understand why you hate me,  I thought I meant something to you"

It's mental.

Oh BTW they apparently have some 6th sense where as soon as you are "over" them they come back like the ___ing terminator looking for another round.

[Gaslit]

JRT, my 2 cents.

Making your profile "public" after she blocked you, was a huge win for her. There are a couple women in my FB feed who have also done this, and they post stuff aimed at their ex's. It is really obvious, even for casual friends. I had to hide them.

I'm not saying you do that, but you did make your posts public after she blocked you. Once she notices, she wins.

And she doesn't need to do drive-bys, or text you, or anything, because she only needs to read your public wall, and she gets to know everything she needs to know. No mystery. It's just all right there. And many people like her like to know what is going on with an ex, and you have bought into it by giving her everything about you.

Set your wall to private. Do yourself a favor, and stop supplying her.

Ironically the best way to move on is also the best revenge, and that is to do nothing. Zero. Stop giving her attention. Make your posts private. And if your goal is her stalking you, which it shouldn't be, but if it is, taking away her front row stage into your life, is your best bet. But really, do it just to stop supplying her, and to move on.

Stop writing your posts with her in mind, wondering what she will "think." Go private.

[hurting300]

JRT, my 2 cents.

Making your profile "public" after she blocked you, was a huge win for her. There are a couple women in my FB feed who have also done this, and they post stuff aimed at their ex's. It is really obvious, even for casual friends. I had to hide them.

I'm not saying you do that, but you did make your posts public after she blocked you. Once she notices, she wins.

And she doesn't need to do drive-bys, or text you, or anything, because she only needs to read your public wall, and she gets to know everything she needs to know. No mystery. It's just all right there. And many people like her like to know what is going on with an ex, and you have bought into it by giving her everything about you.

Set your wall to private. Do yourself a favor, and stop supplying her.

Ironically the best way to move on is also the best revenge, and that is to do nothing. Zero. Stop giving her attention. Make your posts private. And if your goal is her stalking you, which it shouldn't be, but if it is, taking away her front row stage into your life, is your best bet. But really, do it just to stop supplying her, and to move on.

Stop writing your posts with her in mind, wondering what she will "think." Go private.

so true! Block her dude seriously. I made the mistake of making my Facebook public and she stopped the drive by's. Now she is completely blocked from contacting me should she try. If you want her to come out, block her. They crave control, or mine does at least. Block and private bud.

[Blimblam]

Jet

A pwBPD has extremely deep seeded trust issues.  Typically what happened is at some point they go from putting you up on a pedestal to actually breaking through to the deeper layer of themself but this triggered the disorder and it's like all of a sudden this wall goes up within them and they don't understand by but they just don't love you the same anymore.  They feel bad about this and it causes them shame.  From that point on they may still be in the relationship with you but the fact you are still in life with them and all of a sudden they no longer are causes resentment to slowly build.  Pretty soon the start acting it out in way to unload this inner shame.  They become aware that they do it and it may cause them more shame and or they may use the defense mechenism of cognitive dissonance to avoid te shame and justify that you must deserve to be treated this way at which point they may become sadistic and you will see the smirk.

Sometimes a pwBPD knows that they fall into this pattern and they don't know how to stop it except to make sure their is distance between the two of you untill it can subside.  We become reminders of their failure of love.  They usually really wanted it to work and feel ashamed about the entire or ordeal and may or may not justify how it was our fault to avoid feelin this shame they may find people to enable them to feel that it wasn't their fault becuase deep down they feel ashamed about the failure of the relationship, how we were able to continue loving them and that their is something wrong with them because they all of a sudden one day just felt sort of indifferent about us when it came to love.  How they split internally and lost access to that part of themselves they so desperately crave the part they had attached to you.

[JRT]

Thanks as always for your remarks and observations. The decision to make my profile was conscious AND because of her. Although she has me blocked, I am 99.99% certain that she stalks me from a profile other than her own. I do and have not nor will I make any references to her on my page. In fact, I have carried on as if nothing had ever happened to the extent that friends close to my situation had noticed. They were unanimous in noting that my life looks like one of envy. While offline, I initially felt like an elephant sat on my soul, I feel great since she called the cops on me. It released the anger that I really needed to properly demonize her.

My offense at what she did is profound and I am fairly certain that her continued anger is as a result of my online indifference. I hope that she never cycles back, but if she does, I have a few things that I would like to say that tie up a few loose ends nicely for me. Although, I still have questions that I have that I need to help make sense of all this... .what an ordeal!

[Infared]

The waif is the deadliest siren by far, and the coldest, put a full stop behind you never look back. Tommorow is going to bring you a new day embrace it the best you can. Its for you alone now. I read the posts on rageing witches and queens but the waif is covert and stealthy like an un known enemy.

Soo, soo true. Very selfish. very smart and very very dishonest and cruel.

It takes time,(if you are a decent, honest person)... to truly wrap your head around the very horrible way that you have been treated and deceived. ... .and then you have to grieve that fully to move forward.    

It's not for the meek!

[myself]

make sure their is distance between the two of you untill it can subside.

Really great post, Blimblam. Sums up what many of us are going through as far as where the pwBPD are coming from and how and why it effects us.

The part I quoted above stirred up memories of a time when I was a kid and kicked my ball into the river. I was momentarily upset about something, overreacted, and ended up watching something that was positive in my life float away. I even ran along the riverbank hoping for another chance, but off into the lake it went never to be seen again. That was just a rubber ball and I still remember it. Imagine if it was someone I was in love with. Or many people in my lifetime, myself too. Avoiding why it was really happening.

[Alf17]

Kind of same here.
We had a perfect relationship, we always loved and supported each other, we barely argued and we solved those arguments quickly... .
And then one day she got mad at me bc I dnd´t answer her a message (she wrote me saying that she wasn crying feeling horrible because she did an exam an she didn´t do it well). When I saw the message I wrote her and called her, to cheer her up as always, but she wasn´t answering. Then she told me that I failed her, that I wasn´t there for her when she needed me... .( after supperting her with her competitive exam so much always... .I just couldn´t believe what was happening).
Then we met couple of days after, seh told me that she dind´t know if our relationship was going anywhere bc she got angry and she wasn´t feeling the need to fix it.
She then cried, ask me not to leave her, that all of that was because she was ver stressed... .but few days after, out of the blue she broke up, and painting me all black... .
then we talked a couple of times bc she asked me to give her some money from sthing she wanted to pay for me during our  hollidays, and she wasn´t able to be reasonable, she insulted me and blocked me. Haven´t heard from her again.

I wrote the complete story here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=320587.0

I still can´t believe this has happened... .that someone who loves you can change suddenly, dump you and feel nothing at all... .and even act in such a mean way as she did... .this kind of stuff just leaves you shattered.

[Maxpax2011]

I understand your pain, I have lived it myself, After my last relationship with a BPD person I realized that all three of my relationships were with a PD person of some kind, I come to believe that my ex-wife is a narcissist, my second relationship was with a low functioning BPD woman, and my most recent probably one of my most heartbreaking was with a high functioning BPD person. All three of my exes went berserk after the break up, multiple calls to cops, false accusations, triangulation, very vindictive and hurtful behavior. My divorce was a nightmare, parental alienation was abundant. It was not until my last relationship did I realize what exactly was wrong with these women. Like you I wanted to hate them, vermin as you say. But as I researched and discovered therapy, I can't hate them for what they did, I only feel pity for them. You see, Borderline, Narcissist, etc. come from a traumatic childhood, abuse, neglectful parents. They were never taught how to love or care in a healthy way. It's the childhood trauma that drives their emotions, a deep psychological wound that never healed and would always reopen when they are stressed, and it is even worse during a break up or a divorce. They basically have the emotional state of a child, no impulse control, so when they act out or hurt us, how can we expect them to understand it hurts us immensely. To have empathy and compassion comes with maturity which they lack in a huge way. Sure they do in some ways, but when they split you black all that is gone. It's a horrible experience and it hurts like nothing anyone can imagine. Some of them get over it and move on and are never seen or heard from again then there are others who go out of their way to hurt you, it is a projection to escape the shame and guilt of the relationship failing, they know deep down they are the main cause, but they have a mental illness, psychosis takes over and they live in a fantasy world, they all handle it differently. With my most recent ex, I can't blame it all on her, even when I knew how mentally unstable she was I still stayed, because I loved her and her daughter. They are not vermin, they are tragic creatures of the human race, without treatment they will never know what true love feels like, they will never know true happiness, they will always have an emptiness in their soul. Without treatment they will never have a stable life, they will end up in a mental hospital, jail, rehab, or worse: all alone because they drove everyone away. My ex-wife has had five relationships since our divorce and a second marriage, all failed, my ex after her is a drug addict living in Virginia with another drug addict, she has been arrested several times since the break up, my most recent ex became an alcoholic since I left, and she is with a man who cheats on her and abuses her. There is no happy ending for them. We can only pity them and be happy they we are free to live our own lives and find a healthy loving relationship with someone who can love us in a healthy way. Your best option is to go no contact, change your number and pretend she doesn't exist, move on, and that's all you can do. Just take yourself out of the equation, do not react to anything they do.

[truthbeknown]

Maxpax,

I agree with you not to paint them black as they do for us.  Otherwise i think we just take on the infection or their projection. However,  I don't know if it's strange but I actually hope and pray that the new guy takes care of her and doesn't abuse her.  I realized how much i loved her when i think of this. I was in a parent role for her and i realized her child qualities.  Just as a parent wishes the best for their child there is a part of me that wishes that if i couldn't help her that someone else can.  I think she will probably find someone who doesn't love her that much because then she will have less shame.  I admit i loved her and adored her much more then she could handle but i couldn't help myself.  In some ways, my experience with borderlines has taught me alot about love even though it has been a painful experience.  Oh and btw i have friends who are very loving parents and their daughter still has BPD.  They have had her in/out of clinics and love her to pieces but she is still broken inside. So it's not always the fault of unloving parents but my exgf does have a very narcissistic mother who triangulates and manipulates her very badly even though the mother is in her 80's and my ex is 51.