My sister feels like my stalker and I am alone and paranoid.

[freedom2lv]

My sister is younger that me and has made the last 45 years of my life so hard.  As if our childhood wasn't hard enough.  She has interfered with nearly every friendship or relationship for eternity, spread vicious rumors and spent her life alienating me from my family.  My family, of course, did what ever she wanted because they were terrified of her.  And then would call me and want me to save them from her spending all their money, taking of the house, bossing them around etc.  My brother and I kept our mouths shut about everything all these years to save my mother from my Dad and sister's bullying, so nobody knows anything about us except the filthy lies my sister and Dad have told.  I am afraid to speak to anybody about anything because I know that every word I say, no matter how innocent, will be twisted and used against me.  I feel paranoid writing this post: is she coming after me?  She hasn't be diagnosed but she just is BPD.  I feel so helpless.  I've been in therapy for decades and taken all the steps outlined on this board.  Things will die down for awhile and off we go. 

Thanks for letting me vent.  Just reading the bpdfamily boards and articles helped my get my head on straight tonight.   I am not crazy... .I am not crazy... .I am not crazy.

[Kwamina]

Hi there freedom2lv

I agree, you are not crazy!  But dealing with a BPD family-member can definitely at times be described as crazy-making  Like you, many of our members have family-members with BPD and know how difficult this can be.

Do any of your other family-members recognize that there might be something wrong with your sister? You mention your family did whatever she wanted because they were terrified of her but do you also feel like they suspect there's something wrong with her on a deeper level mentally and emotionally?

You mention your fear of speaking about these things because everything you say will be twisted and used against you. Have you (in the past) ever discussed your suspicions of BPD with your brother or mother? At what point did you become aware of the existence of this disorder and that it seems to fit your sister's behavior?

Taking care of your own mental and emotional well-being is very important when dealing with a BPD relative so I think it's good that you're reaching out for support and understanding here. You say that you've been in therapy for decades, for what exactly and do you feel like the therapy has helped you?

Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

[freedom2lv]

Oh yes.  The immediate family, her children and close friends.  A close relative is a mental health professional who feels BPD is the problem.  We been trying for decades to get her to get help.  It won't happen.  She has absolutely no insight and will not listen to anyone.  We  have been supportive, validating and loving.  Our mantra is ":)O NOT ESCALATE". 

I started therapy to deal with depression, abusive issues from childhood and a previous marriage and PTSD from both.  I started taking care of my mother when I was very little; my father had a substance abuse problem.  We had a roof over our head, meals and the police never came.  But emotionally, the damage is very, very severe for all the siblings. 

As far as therapy helping me, I wouldn't be here without it, wouldn't be able to have a healthy relationship with my current husband.  And I've worked so hard to get here.  Still lots of work to do.

But it's time for me to re-direct my energy into taking care of myself.  I also have serious health problems.

I am so emotionally exhausted.

[goingtostopthis]

Freedom,

      I can relate to what youre talking about 100%.  The only difference is, I'm the youngest and Im having problems with my oldest sister and mother who live together and gang up together.  I too, have sought therapy and I dont think there would be any way I could get through this with out it.  Like you, my sister distorts things and loves to go tell it on the mountain to my father who has had the tendency for the last year I think, to believe her story double fold over mine.

I know this by the way he has treated me. I sense my sister has been recentful of me because Ive in the past have had a closer relationship with my dad then she has. I have also been pegged growing up by her as being the selfish spoiled brat in the family. It's taken me years to figure out how false this has been by realizing any time she doesnt get her way this tag appears.  This is how she deals with her insecurities about herself but regardless of this knowledge,  it doesnt help with the effects it has had on me growing up with her. I'm still dealing with it and Ive just about have had enough. She makes me paranoid too. This is one thing Im going to focus on at my next therapy appointment because Ive realized how intimidated Ive been being around her. Ive spent a lot time going through mental duels in my head wondering if it's me?  Do I just have a neurotic problem or is this real with her,  meaning: Am I being bullied or is this my imagination?  Finally it hit me that I was in denial and didnt want to see the truth of this situation because it has seemed too awful to endure. 

          So, anyways.  I faced this situation head on with myself and accepted the truth.  She has been bullying me big time and yes!  she has a problem.  I felt relieved to finally see this for what it is and with that a lot weight came off my shoulders, enough for me to begin now to set about solving this problem. This is important because as long as I took on being the one with the problem, (which she wants when it serves her) the more Im going to keep reacting the way she wants me to,  and so the cycle will go on.  Im learning to distance myself now emotionally and the first step to this is getting help with this.  It takes time but things are getting better and they can for you too.     

                 

           

[freedom2lv]

Yes, goingtostoptis, your story sounds very familiar too.  I've always felt confused, off-balance and not quite sure if I knew who I was.  It's an awful way to feel isn't it?  The bullying is even more harmful because I feel I can't retaliate.  I look at my sister in anger and all I see in the sad little unloved girl that was abused in the same way I was.  How can I make it worse.  So I just quietly slink away and isolate.

Have you found ANYBODY else who can grasp this situation?  I sure haven't. 

Normally, I keep a pretty level head and stay calm in the midst of complete recent circumstances lead me to completely loose control over the paranoia.  I was so thankful I found this site.

Every day I fantasize about moving across the country, changing my name and starting a new life where nobody knows me and my life belongs to me.

[goingtostopthis]

Yes, goingtostoptis, your story sounds very familiar too.  I've always felt confused, off-balance and not quite sure if I knew who I was.  It's an awful way to feel isn't it?  The bullying is even more harmful because I feel I can't retaliate.  I look at my sister in anger and all I see in the sad little unloved girl that was abused in the same way I was.  How can I make it worse.  So I just quietly slink away and isolate.

Have you found ANYBODY else who can grasp this situation?  I sure haven't.  

Normally, I keep a pretty level head and stay calm in the midst of complete recent circumstances lead me to completely loose control over the paranoia.  I was so thankful I found this site.

Every day I fantasize about moving across the country, changing my name and starting a new life where nobody knows me and my life belongs to me.

       Yes,  It is an awful way to feel.  Ive been afraid of my sister mainly because she keeps doing these weird things that dont make any sense to me. The last thing that happened I clearly was upset with my dad for a good reason and I was expressing this as I was walking inside the door. Well, two minutes after this I get a phone call from my dad, right as I had my finger on the phone to call him to work out this situation we have been working on, that has to do with me, not my sister, and he gets all mad at me claiming that my sister just called him and told him I was yelling at her and he was believing her! Instantly Im a terrible ,terrible person, shame on me.  I totally lost it!  and got really upset with him kept saying all most in tears,  You dont believe me, YOu dont believe me,  You dont believe me,   and I hung up on him. I havent spoken with him since and I dont want to. Right after that call I went out side to find my sister and by this time I made myself change my demeaner. Ranting at her is what I wanted to do, but instead I calmly walked up to her and said, Did you think I was yelling at you? Because I thought is very clear that I was mad at dad.  and  she just looked me and said , Oh I know,  I knew you were mad at him. I know you werent yelling at me. and at that point I wanted to say , then why did you tell him I was yelling at you?  I didnt go there. It would have started a fight or something so I continue to be nice to her and then dropped it.

                                 I lost it because stuff like this with her happens all the time. The last time we were  in a fight if you could call it that. I panicked because of her irrationality and my mothers too, and called my dad about it. Well, they got wind of this and so they had to call him too. There story of the event was "Not" what happened at all! but I know my father bought it because of the stupid long lecture I got after wards about it all. I was pretty out raged. It took me along time to calm down over this one. It was making me hysterical I was so angry and no one to talk to but my cats and the bed room mirror. There has been nothing I can do.  I'd say about 75% of the time they are both ok , and I can be around them just fine, but then something will happen and one of them or both together go totally off kilter and become abusive, ya! Irrational and abusive. Enough to set alarms off in your head, you know, like something isnt right here.  I tried to get this across to my dad earlier but he doesnt want to listen. I dont feel he wants to believe me because of the ramifications of what this really means.  Like we have a serious, serious problem here Houston. He was playing it down to me and treating me like this is happening because I'm a part of the problem too by my behavior and I have to change too, bla bla bla.   He can not conceptionalize the idea that my sister is... .lying.           And lying she is.    I told my mother she was bullying me and later on I find out she told my sister everything I said which made it even worse! Then my mother turned on me and told me that everything I have said about my sister was something I was just making up.  That I was making it all up because I wanted to split up the family. Split up the family? I dont know where she got that from, but I have a good guess.

               My theory is I think they both freaked out on me at that time because they were afraid I was going to tell my dad everything that's been going on up here with them, with the way I was being treated, like the truth! And so the lies flew.  They are both very convincing on the phone. The whole thought of it makes me sick. Things have calmed down since that time because I got some helped and stopped reacting to them, but my dad is still acting like he believes everything my sister says and because of this has become very patronizing to me, its been really belittleing and really unsensitive of him.  It's so unnecessary.   He wants us to work together on helping me to care take this farm where I live. I dont need! her help. Im doing just fine. He thinks I do need her help because she's lying!   Ive gotten more done here in a mouth then she could do in a year, but of course this reality is ignored. She has got to have some issue against me she's making up so she can look good to my dad. This is the honest to God truth of what she's doing.  It isnt going to go too far I can tell you that much.  She's not my boss and she never will be. I cant help but to think that this is really stupid of my dad to not see what he's doing,  what he's doing to me. Its like hes trying to humiliate me over a reality that doesnt even exsist, oh but Im suppose to feel like it does, all because my sister really has some huge problems.  Im sorry,  I got lost ranting a bit.   So Ill sum this up with: ya. I can relate.                  

[goingtostopthis]

 I feel the need to sum this up even further by saying that getting a therapist is a good idea because for me, the next time something happens,  I wont feel so lost and desperate with no one to tell or talk to. This is why I ended up telling my dad about all this because I had no one else. I was so alone and terrified by the way they were acting. Sometimes it's like they have split personalities and secret sinsiter manipulative ways only designed to control me and put me down and fill me up with their fear base BS, all because I refuse to become emeshed with them in their mentally unhealthy ways.   

               If I have had a therapist to talk to before all this happened,  this would not have happened. This triangle thing of every body talking behind each other backs. I know,  I told my mother what was going on with my sister because I needed her help. I think its a parents job to not side with their children but to objectively look at the situation, and to "not"  show favortism. The problem I have is that my mother is like a sister to my sister because they are living together and very co-dependant.  My mother is not doing her job as a mother should. If one child is beating up on another, as a parent she needs to make this stop by confronting the child who is doing it. Ahhhh , but this has been going on since I was 12. Both my mom and dad missed the boat here as far as good parenting is concerned. My sister is the one who needs the lectures and the straightening up, but it's not going to happen.

               I wish I had known that I couldnt trust my mother to help me. It hurts, its a lot to accept. I dont have a mother. I have two sisters.  But the point is that I know now. I can not trust my mother in reference to my sister , ever!  And so from now on any issues I have I cant handle directly with either one of them goes to a 4th party out side this family circle. No more serious SOS calls to my father. Its proven a waist of my time and extra strife and anger I dont need.  I dont want to be a part of this phone game anymore.

[freedom2lv]

Boy, I really feel for you.  Sounds word for word like and interaction with my family.  That is exactly what it's like with my family, or was, until I figured out I couldn't share anything with them.  It so sad and lonely to have a family that you can't treat like a family.  I always feel alone, really alone.  My family knows nothing about me, never asks and the only way I know how to survive is to keep them away from me emotionally.  After 30 years of therapy, I've never figured our any other solution.  It is only safe to walk among them like a ghost of a person.

I can't talk to anyone else about my family because most people have never seen this severity of dysfunction.   They think I'm being mean for setting boundaries or having times when I have to set NC. Sometimes, the only person I can talk to is my therapist.

So, you have create a family outside your family.  Also, about your family calling you selfish, .  As the years go by, I 've noticed that usually it's the most selfish, narcissist people who call you selfish and generally because you won't do what THEY want.  Hum.