Same old Feelings, Patterns after breakup

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Ok so 1 week ago I felt completley unnatracted to my now exBPDgf and almost broke it off.  I expected to feel some disappointment but no strong feelings.  I let a week pass, didn't pay much attention to the gf, then tried a last ditch re-committment to each other (which seemed to go well)... .then 2 days later on xmas eve we dumped each other.

Now, like before after a recycle breakup, I have the same crappy feelings and am barely functioning.  I could not get to sleep until very late and wake up very early with my stomach in knots. 

Some things she said during the breakup apparently had a delayed effect on me and hurt me pretty badly. When they were said I kind of shrugged them off but now feel the sting.

Especially her saying that I am worse than her mentally.  And there were excuses about little things that bothered her.  While these little things bothered her for months it seems she had no problem taking money from me to where I am now in financial jeopardy.

I accept that I let it happen but these things just hurt.   My earlier expectation was that I would be relieved and thankful that the bleeding would stop.

Indeed yesterday for a while I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me but I can' t ignore the fact that I have been obsessing about this breakup almost non-stop since.

I didn't think I would be angry but I am angry.

I didn't think I would be resentful but I am resentful.

I didn't think I would be hurt but I feel badly used and abused.

I miss her and if she were here right now we would have nothing to talk about unless she needed something.  In esscence what I am missing is NOTHING.   I got nothing out of it so why do I miss her?

I am also thinking about telling her off and burning the bridge in a negative way.  The only thing preventing me from doing so is the pain it would cause me to think about it all.

[nowwhatz]

Ok so 1 week ago I felt completley unnatracted to my now exBPDgf and almost broke it off.  I expected to feel some disappointment but no strong feelings.  I let a week pass, didn't pay much attention to the gf, then tried a last ditch re-committment to each other (which seemed to go well)... .then 2 days later on xmas eve we dumped each other.

Now, like before after a recycle breakup, I have the same crappy feelings and am barely functioning.  I could not get to sleep until very late and wake up very early with my stomach in knots. 

Some things she said during the breakup apparently had a delayed effect on me and hurt me pretty badly. When they were said I kind of shrugged them off but now feel the sting.

Especially her saying that I am worse than her mentally.  And there were excuses about little things that bothered her.  While these little things bothered her for months it seems she had no problem taking money from me to where I am now in financial jeopardy.

I accept that I let it happen but these things just hurt.   My earlier expectation was that I would be relieved and thankful that the bleeding would stop.

Indeed yesterday for a while I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me but I can' t ignore the fact that I have been obsessing about this breakup almost non-stop since.

I didn't think I would be angry but I am angry.

I didn't think I would be resentful but I am resentful.

I didn't think I would be hurt but I feel badly used and abused.

I miss her and if she were here right now we would have nothing to talk about unless she needed something.  In esscence what I am missing is NOTHING.   I got nothing out of it so why do I miss her?

I am also thinking about telling her off and burning the bridge in a negative way.  The only thing preventing me from doing so is the pain it would cause me to think about it all.

[Elpis]

Nowwhatz,

I think all those things you're feeling are normal! Most of us have a mix of the logic and the feelings where one dominates more at one time than another.

What I've learned from others here in the community is that each successive recycle and breakup is worse than the last one. More stuff is said, more dysregulating is done, and a bit more of our "shiny" gets rubbed off.

I too have that delayed reaction to words. my uBPDh has been smearing me to my kids, but the only one who has been truly affected is the one who is married and lives in a different country. They have bought in entirely to his bs. If my h's words haven't been hurtful enough, now I get these poisonous awful text messages from my daughter sometimes. I've learned to not react or respond, and that i'm proud of, but that doesn't mean those horrible feelings don't come. We're human after all.

Even if the hole left in your heart when the r/s broke up was a pain filled one, there's still a hole. There's still a reason we feel empty.

And hell yeh we feel resentful and angry and hurt and sad! We thought we had something that we didn't--an adult, reciprocal relationship. That's cause for a lot of emotional upset.

So go easy on yourself, it's a process. My therapist told me after I left that I needed to take care of myself as if I had just had surgery, that self-care was really important. I think we react in a bit of shock initially at the breakup so we aren't feeling as much stuff, but then as the shock wears off we start feeling every little thing... .and all that is just a part of the detaching process.

You're gonna be fine, you really will be. Just hang in, keep posting, read the info in the sidebar about the stages of detachment and the lessons, and you'll see that you're gonna be okay in time. 

[nowwhatz]

Nowwhatz,

I think all those things you're feeling are normal! Most of us have a mix of the logic and the feelings where one dominates more at one time than another.

What I've learned from others here in the community is that each successive recycle and breakup is worse than the last one. More stuff is said, more dysregulating is done, and a bit more of our "shiny" gets rubbed off.

I too have that delayed reaction to words. my uBPDh has been smearing me to my kids, but the only one who has been truly affected is the one who is married and lives in a different country. They have bought in entirely to his bs. If my h's words haven't been hurtful enough, now I get these poisonous awful text messages from my daughter sometimes. I've learned to not react or respond, and that i'm proud of, but that doesn't mean those horrible feelings don't come. We're human after all.

Even if the hole left in your heart when the r/s broke up was a pain filled one, there's still a hole. There's still a reason we feel empty.

And hell yeh we feel resentful and angry and hurt and sad! We thought we had something that we didn't--an adult, reciprocal relationship. That's cause for a lot of emotional upset.

So go easy on yourself, it's a process. My therapist told me after I left that I needed to take care of myself as if I had just had surgery, that self-care was really important. I think we react in a bit of shock initially at the breakup so we aren't feeling as much stuff, but then as the shock wears off we start feeling every little thing... .and all that is just a part of the detaching process.

You're gonna be fine, you really will be. Just hang in, keep posting, read the info in the sidebar about the stages of detachment and the lessons, and you'll see that you're gonna be okay in time. 

Thanks Elpis for your help.

For me after the worst recycle breakup of 2 years ago the subsequant breakups were actually easier. This breakup may be tougher on me because unlike the other breakups... .I feel strongly that this is the end for sure.  The last 2 recycles I was not real excited about taking her back.   There is no doubt in time she will try again but I can't see myself taking her back ever again.

Our r/s over the last 6 mos has really been lackluster, no passion, no interest. There should not be much to miss.  I will just have to manage the daily changes in feelings and consider what you said - it is normal.

A stark reality which may end up being a blessing in disguise and help me focus on myself is the fact that my financial condition and general life is in a shambles, but it is not irrepairable. I have a chance, maybe my last, to fix it.  It is so bad I may not have the luxery of worrying about her or missing her too much.  Only one friend knows how bad it is and this friend is supportive of me to get things in order.

Another thread discusses the problems with social media after these breakups with a BPDer. Believe it or not since extracting the incredible smartphone from my exgf I have gotten into fb and instagram. I am even appreciating the phony fb affirmations.

Today I went hiking in an absolutely spectacular place and share some amazing pics with "friends."   

I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I hope I can hang in there.

[Infern0]

It's only been a week,  the obsessive thinking takes a lot longer than that to stop,  and you will keep having it pop in and out of your mind for a while.  It's perfectly normal how you are feeling right now.

Trust me though you will start feeling better and better.

[nowwhatz]

It's only been a week,  the obsessive thinking takes a lot longer than that to stop,  and you will keep having it pop in and out of your mind for a while.  It's perfectly normal how you are feeling right now.

Trust me though you will start feeling better and better.

Thanks for your support!

I hate this feeling. I am going to try to remain "friends" with this exBPDgf... .try to take the high road and break the pattern of NC return NC return.   Hope that will help me through this.

But not help her with squat.

I am optimistic I can get through this one better than the last ones. and no more recycles. i feel pretty good about that.

[Elpis]

I do hope you can keep yourself safe from further devaluation and such! It's rather soul-killing, isn't it?

My therapist and my brother-in-law both talked about "taking the high road" and my initial response was "where the heck do I find that?" but as time goes on I am seeing that road more clearly where I am no longer drawn into the painful interchanges with my uBPDh or my children and I only trust to share with certain people who allow me to have my feelings and know I am in process.

The high road is slowly showing itself to me!

[nowwhatz]

I do hope you can keep yourself safe from further devaluation and such! It's rather soul-killing, isn't it?

My therapist and my brother-in-law both talked about "taking the high road" and my initial response was "where the heck do I find that?" but as time goes on I am seeing that road more clearly where I am no longer drawn into the painful interchanges with my uBPDh or my children and I only trust to share with certain people who allow me to have my feelings and know I am in process.

The high road is slowly showing itself to me!

Elpis

Thanks for reminding me to watch out for the devaluation. Soul-killing is exactly what it is and it is a torturous, slow kill.

Well, believe it or not I had my "high-road" pow wow today with the exBPDgf and I am surprised to say it was productive.  I was able to invite myself to her place through fb (she has no phone... .I have it, YES!), and ended up hashing it out with her and speaking very frankly about the r/s including the devaluing incidents.

It started off like before with her stone faced, defensive and devoid of normal human emotion.

She did not welcome my trip down memory lane and questions and lashed out but I was able to let it roll off.

Her number one reason for wanting to end the r/s is a stroke of genius devaluation and total BS projection:  "I have a mental illness so I can't be with someone who has a mental illness."

I admitted having natural compulsive tendencies and depression brought on by circumstances.  The circumstances causing my depression is the r/s with her!  3 years of recycles followed by 1 year of steady r/s with a person who regularly said she doesn't want to live, threatened to hurt herself, and oh yeah got convicted of felony theft, almost deported and contributed nothing to the r/s would depress Mary Poppins and Walt Disney if they were in my situation.

I told her I am committed to ending my situational depression through whatever it takes. She said she won't go to any type of therapy because she "doesn't believe in it"... .but she uses her 20 year old son as her counselor... .tells him eveything.   What got to her was my concern that her son would end of depressed (like me) or get tired of her, reject her or abandon her, or end up in the same type of relationships like his mom.

After much histrionics, tears by her, and apologies she did an adult thing and offered friendship and agreed to no more recycles.

For the first time I am feeling some relief and strange but true closure to this debacle. There is a strong spark between us (especially now that the air is cleared and we are just friends) which will need to be kept in check or minimized.

But I finally feel that there will be no more recycles, no more blood letting and I can move on.

[Elpis]

It sounds like you won't be ALLOWING any more recycles, since it takes 2 to participate in one. So you're learning to put better boundaries in place! THAT'S THE MAGIC!   

Mind your boundaries, and maybe write down some things that will remind you of the hardship and the blood-letting of the relationship, and then you will gain the closure you desire. That closure has to be on our end and in our understanding since most of us in a r/s with a pwBPD will never get words of closure from them. Sounds like you are really truly working that direction in your own head! YAAAAYYYY

[Infern0]

It's only been a week,  the obsessive thinking takes a lot longer than that to stop,  and you will keep having it pop in and out of your mind for a while.  It's perfectly normal how you are feeling right now.

Trust me though you will start feeling better and better.

Thanks for your support!

I hate this feeling. I am going to try to remain "friends" with this exBPDgf... .try to take the high road and break the pattern of NC return NC return.   Hope that will help me through this.

But not help her with squat.

I am optimistic I can get through this one better than the last ones. and no more recycles. i feel pretty good about that.

Honestly from my own experience being friends doesn't work.

I tried to do the friends thing and it ended up with us sitting in her car with her gazing into my eyes and telling me things. I ended up in triangulation.

What it came down to was she NEEDED me to want her,  needed it. She was jealous of any other females I spent time with and it wasn't because she really wanted me she just wanted me to be there.

To the tune of her saying "if my relationship fails, I'm going to need you"

She also said on many occasions that if things didn't work out with her boyfriend that we could give things another go. She just wanted the security of having a backup.

I realised that and it lead to me going straight ghost on her.  I literally vanished and am not going back

[CloseToFreedom]

I have the exact same patterns man, thats why I got back with her 10 times. I'm a month past the break up now and things feel worse and worse every day, pretty much in a depression. The only cure seems to be contact with her, but thats just your mind making you crazy. We have to get through this, its better on the other side.

[nowwhatz]

It sounds like you won't be ALLOWING any more recycles, since it takes 2 to participate in one. So you're learning to put better boundaries in place! THAT'S THE MAGIC!   

Mind your boundaries, and maybe write down some things that will remind you of the hardship and the blood-letting of the relationship, and then you will gain the closure you desire. That closure has to be on our end and in our understanding since most of us in a r/s with a pwBPD will never get words of closure from them. Sounds like you are really truly working that direction in your own head! YAAAAYYYY

At least the next time she tries to pull anything I can say "remember our discussion?" 

I fully expect her to be in need of me or something and to want to come back, move in, want money or my time just to be with her.  That's when I will be tested. If I can stick to somos amigos and start to repair my own life I have a chance.

While I agree it is helpful I don't want to write down any of the things at this time because I am reminded every moment of the hardship and pray that things don't get worse for me. A couple of years ago I wrote down the things (a long list) and presented them to my therapist. She took the paper and tore it up and told me to delete it from my computer... .that it was beating myself up. At that time I was truly close to a total breakdown and I the list made me feel a lot worse.  it is different today.

I woke up this morning at 4 am with the familiar knot in my stomach but forced myself to go back to sleep for another 90 min to get the rest I will need just to make it through this day.

I have a second knot in my stomach because I a like a ship heading straight for an iceberg in my financial, professional and family life.  Sure I have turned the ship 90 degrees but the iceberg is huge and I have ignored it too long.  It will be a long day and a long week. Thank God at least I have a chance to right things.

A couple of things that were said yesterday might be of help to us here if I share.   I asked her about love. Specifically I asked her if she was capable of just falling out of love in a nanosecond. She answered truthfully with a "yes."   Then I said something like but then a week, a day, a month later you are in love with the person again.  Then I asked her if she could imagine what it would be like for the other person in the r/s whose love is constant.

At that point she started the excuses... ."maybe I love with a different level of intensity than you" and finally the I've heard it before catchphrase "how can I love somebody when I don't love myself?"  I told her she had said that many times but is in love and said "I love you" hundreds of times.  Again I asked her to imagaine what it is like for the other person in the r/s but also to consider her son who is seeing all of this.

I also brought up that I did not care about her trouble this year with the law (she had never been in any trouble before but made a HUGE mistake in 2013 which led to a felony conviction) and how I was willing to overlook that and did not care about it because I know her very well and did love her.

This caused a meltdown like "how can you talk about that when you know how much it hurts me to even think about it. not even my ex-husband ever says anything about it!"  she jumped off the sofa to tell me how terrible it is of me to bring this up and then returned and began crying very dramatically when her head in her hands on a pillow in her lap.  This was right out of a telenovela.

I wasn't trying to make her feel guilty or hurt her but was trying to get her to at least think about what it might be like to be in my position in a r/s with her... .get as much out in the open as possible... .get her to think and feel... .to help break the destructive recycle pattern.

This discussion was more for myself than for her. I am supposed to be the sane one. 

There will be many refer to discussion moments to myself in the future.

Her son and his gf left for mexico for 1 week so she will be totally alone.  At the end of the evening she said "I am scared and have no phone"  ... .she has an old blackberry connected to wifi which is just as good as a phone so that is nonsense.

Then in a somewhat amusing moment for me when I guess she was trying to make me jealous or keep her hooks in me  she said ok if we are just friends what if I go and F... .some other guy?   I said I don't care and my expectation is that she would begin trying to do that immediately.  Then she said oh I am too fat now blah blah and nobody will want me.  I said the same thing about my expectation of what I think she will try to do.

That is pretty much how I left it with her.

[nowwhatz]

It's only been a week,  the obsessive thinking takes a lot longer than that to stop,  and you will keep having it pop in and out of your mind for a while.  It's perfectly normal how you are feeling right now.

Trust me though you will start feeling better and better.

Thanks for your support!

I hate this feeling. I am going to try to remain "friends" with this exBPDgf... .try to take the high road and break the pattern of NC return NC return.   Hope that will help me through this.

But not help her with squat.

I am optimistic I can get through this one better than the last ones. and no more recycles. i feel pretty good about that.

Honestly from my own experience being friends doesn't work.

I tried to do the friends thing and it ended up with us sitting in her car with her gazing into my eyes and telling me things. I ended up in triangulation.

What it came down to was she NEEDED me to want her,  needed it. She was jealous of any other females I spent time with and it wasn't because she really wanted me she just wanted me to be there.

To the tune of her saying "if my relationship fails, I'm going to need you"

She also said on many occasions that if things didn't work out with her boyfriend that we could give things another go. She just wanted the security of having a backup.

I realised that and it lead to me going straight ghost on her.  I literally vanished and am not going back

I have never tried to be friends with her so I don't know what will happen. I know if she goes ghost on me that she will have found somebody else temporarily and then if she resurfaces she will want to recycle.

If the friends thing works out I will be very surprised.

[Elpis]

I do have my doubts about being friends since the other person doesn't see the r/s in the same way we do, not at all.

i'm so sorry you were beating yourself up, Nowwhatz! I guess I was more thinking of how easily I can be drawn back into the idea of my marriage to my uBPDh when he acts nice for once, so for me to be able to look at the reasons why it would be insane for me to go back might be helpful to keep me moving the right direction.

Who ever knew there could be such complicated and unfulfilling relationships? I still find myself surprised even though I can look back at the facts of how he treated me for so many years.

[nowwhatz]

I do have my doubts about being friends since the other person doesn't see the r/s in the same way we do, not at all.

i'm so sorry you were beating yourself up, Nowwhatz! I guess I was more thinking of how easily I can be drawn back into the idea of my marriage to my uBPDh when he acts nice for once, so for me to be able to look at the reasons why it would be insane for me to go back might be helpful to keep me moving the right direction.

Who ever knew there could be such complicated and unfulfilling relationships? I still find myself surprised even though I can look back at the facts of how he treated me for so many years.

For me the list on the negatives was about 3 pages long single spaced and about 6 positives so the end result was like I must be a total idiot to be with this person.

But that was 2 years ago.  The negative list is actually a lot smaller now but she added being a criminal to the negative list.  The positive list is also smaller now... .mainly due to disappearing hotness.   

So I guess I am not as much of an idiot today as I was 2 years ago.

Progress!

[Elpis]

For me the list on the negatives was about 3 pages long single spaced and about 6 positives so the end result was like I must be a total idiot to be with this person.

LAUGHING OUT LOUD LIKE CRAZY! Imagine how I felt when I realized i'd been married several decades and was looking back at several decades of abusive treatment. IDIOT!

Perhaps we shall both make progress.

[nowwhatz]

For me the list on the negatives was about 3 pages long single spaced and about 6 positives so the end result was like I must be a total idiot to be with this person.

LAUGHING OUT LOUD LIKE CRAZY! Imagine how I felt when I realized i'd been married several decades and was looking back at several decades of abusive treatment. IDIOT!

Perhaps we shall both make progress.

My personal negatives list has been growing so maybe it would average out one day!

Well my exBPDgf contacted me on her old broken down blackberry via fb messenger another request. Her meds are ready at the walgreens near my home and she says hasn't had any for about 1 week (blood pressure, anti psychotics, anti depressants, anti anxiety and who knows).

I can't understand how she can run out of all these meds ... .maybe because I took the phone but her son had a phone.  I am bored and have to go out that away so I am going to pick them up and drop them off for her.  I feel pretty good and strong believe it or not so I don't mind and am curious.  The reality might be sinking in so will see if she tries to pull any shenanigans... .somehow I feel safe and am not worried about getting sucked back in.

Will see what happens and will report back.