How do they hide it for so long?

[Hope0807]

My uPDexH (leaning away from BPD and most heavily toward ASPD/Psychopath) seemed to keep most of what overflowed in the last 6-12 months (as complete and utter insanity) neatly under wraps for the better part of 7 years.  Knowing what I know now, I believe all of what I experienced with him could be compared to tiny bits of the mask chipping off, piece by tiny piece OR like a simmer, to a boil, to an overflowing rumbling boil that eventually starts a fire.  Damn did I get burned!

Did yours keep it together for the most part and then surprise you with a form of insanity you truly feel was not witnessed/experienced earlier?

[ShadowIntheNight]

Absolutely. We were together 9.5 years. I noticed she started acting "different" after 6.5 years and then moreso the last 1.5 we were together. I attributed her craziness, moodiness, raging, etc in the last 1.5 yrs as being related to stress from a protracted custody battle for her two children. It wasn't stress. I was stressed. She was crazy. It wasn't even until 2.5 months after she left me  (in a typed note in a birthday card after just fading away) that I even learned what the heck BPD was. And that was only because I googled "exgf scapegoats dumpee." Article after article on narcissism and BPD came up. After I described her behaviors to my T, it's like the veil was lifted. My uBPDexgf is a Therapist herself. The word never came up in 9.5 years... .

[Hawk Ridge]

Mine hid the truly bizarre stuff till the last few months of our relationship.  That's part of the invalidation for me.  She hid it from those outside of the door.  In retrospect, as I get better, much of the controlling started early but I ignored it.   Even in the 9 months since the breakup, it has only been very recently that I remember the bizarre almost psychotic behavior of the last few months.  Time... .recovery... .distance... .helps.  Before I wanted to go back... .lately, most days, i am quite content not to enter the storm clouds again.   One day at a time.

[Hope0807]

ShadowIntheNight,

That's wild! Thanks so much for sharing that!  Love the…"she wasn't stressed…I was stressed…she was crazy" - same here!  Same with the therapist unveiling it for me as well.  Except, I learned my mother is a mild uBPD and my ex is more of an ASPD/Psychopath.  How insane.  I became the care taking enabler for another personality disordered individual because it was familiar and uncomfortably comfortable.  Ugh!

Absolutely. We were together 9.5 years. I noticed she started acting "different" after 6.5 years and then moreso the last 1.5 we were together. I attributed her craziness, moodiness, raging, etc in the last 1.5 yrs as being related to stress from a protracted custody battle for her two children. It wasn't stress. I was stressed. She was crazy. It wasn't even until 2.5 months after she left me  (in a typed note in a birthday card after just fading away) that I even learned what the heck BPD was. And that was only because I googled "exgf scapegoats dumpee." Article after article on narcissism and BPD came up. After I described her behaviors to my T, it's like the veil was lifted. My uBPDexgf is a Therapist herself. The word never came up in 9.5 years... .

[Hope0807]

Wow, thanks for this Hawk Ridge.  I'm glad you no longer want to go back.  The "discard" stage was equally as thick as the idealization phase... .it was mind-numbing.  In the fallout, he would remind me that he worshipped the ground  really I walked on for years and said "I have to be me now" - amongst other things.  When I uncovered he massive stash of prescription and street drugs he was both doing and selling…I realized his "Me" was someone he'd kept hidden VERY VERY well.  Once I found out, I never wanted to go back.  For a brief moment, I worried that he might hurt himself when I saw some stats and some posts on here…then I quickly moved to the place I remain…concerned he may hurt someone else.

Mine hid the truly bizarre stuff till the last few months of our relationship.  That's part of the invalidation for me.  She hid it from those outside of the door.  In retrospect, as I get better, much of the controlling started early but I ignored it.   Even in the 9 months since the breakup, it has only been very recently that I remember the bizarre almost psychotic behavior of the last few months.  Time... .recovery... .distance... .helps.  Before I wanted to go back... .lately, most days, i am quite content not to enter the storm clouds again.   One day at a time.

[ogopogodude]

Yes, ... my wife hid her bizarre behaviour and outright craziness until the ring was on her finger and the nuttiness never came out until years later.  This is why I bought up the concept of an annulment in a different thread.  It just isn't fair for any of us spouses of a BPD diagnosed-after-the-face (of marriage). 

[hergestridge]

Things didn't go haywire until year 18 of our rs. We had a two year old daughter and wife had cheated on me for the first time. Instead of repair work she had began attacking me on a regular basis and was losing it with the girl too. We had many conversations where she confessed what she really had been thinking through the years. Things got destroyed beyond repair. They put her on lithium and seroquel but it didn't help. The mask had dropped and she left me eventually.

[billypilgrim]

I think a lot of it has to do with us nons.  We get so wrapped up in jumping through the hoops and trying to meet our BPD's needs that we can't look up and see what's actually going on around us.  After a while, the crazy just becomes our norm.  We stick around and look beyond the crazy behavior that all of us are familiar with because of the idealization phases.  It's as if we all have blinders on because we want that projection to be them all of the time.

I think it also might have to do with enmeshment.  That's their goal, right?  Two become one, literally.  Until they feel engulfed and push us away.  If we start buying into the enmeshment and begin to lose our identities in our relationship, how can we notice problems?  In order to find fault or issues with our relationship, we would have to find fault in ourselves.  And who wants to do that? 

[Infern0]

There were always obvious signs from day one if I'm honest,  but a real lesson I learned is to watch how people treat others.  She could be nasty as hell to her parents,  about all her exes,  about her friends etc etc.

I witnessed this but for some reason didn't perceive that I'd end up on the receiving end. 

I do wonder how she held herself together in some regards,  for example I'd tease her a lot in the beginning and also I had control of the relationship,  all of that changed at the end.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Billypilgrim I undertand what you're saying, but I can tell you that her behavior was not an enmeshment  and me not being able to distinguish good behavior from bad behavior. Her behavior actually began to change when she went to the job she is at now about 6 years ago. Suddenly she wanted to be seen and heard by everyone at her job from the president down to the cleaning lady. Literally she turned into this "aren't I awesome" thing that she hadn't been before. And I now have come to realize too that my uBPDexgf is triggered by her mother. Without going into private details, my gf has serious issues with her mother that she doesn't recognize. She worships her mom, and it is apparent her mother controls her. So if her mom tells her to fly, she'll go to the moon. My gf called me many times upset about the shaming things her mother had said to her. They are Hispanic but my gf did not identify that way, but limitedly with me. Around her friends and mother she acted culturally correct, for lack of a better way to put it.

Her mother was not so much into her life until the last 4 years, from 2010 on. She's the trigger, my gf's romantic relationships pay the price. And my ex is 46, not a youngster.

[Hope0807]

Yeah I think the annulment is a great point considering the level of outright deceit, BUT the fact remains that pwPDs spin everyone…including law enforcement and courts in their web and all we can do at this point is escape with our soul and sanity in tact.  I fully believe that many (think of all those who HAVEN'T found the "BPD" term or this forum) do not ever recover from having relationships like these or simply go on to repeat the patterns.  I don't know how or when but I have to find a way to use this knowledge and make it into my power.  Criminal Minds, Dateline, Discover ID…shows like these tease at what the vast majority of humans think they know about the garden variety "Creep".  There should much more of an open social dialogue about the messages Dr. Phil (as in his "Life Code" and others have stated.

Yes, ... my wife hid her bizarre behaviour and outright craziness until the ring was on her finger and the nuttiness never came out until years later.  This is why I bought up the concept of an annulment in a different thread.  It just isn't fair for any of us spouses of a BPD diagnosed-after-the-face (of marriage). 

[songdog09]

There were always obvious signs from day one if I'm honest,  but a real lesson I learned is to watch how people treat others.  She could be nasty as hell to her parents,  about all her exes,  about her friends etc etc.

I witnessed this but for some reason didn't perceive that I'd end up on the receiving end. 

I do wonder how she held herself together in some regards,  for example I'd tease her a lot in the beginning and also I had control of the relationship,  all of that changed at the end.

Ditto here on this one.

For so long I talked about our first date with so much nostalgia and near reverence.  My xBPDw and I would discuss it that way frequently.

Now as I analyze it with a little bit of perspective and some knowledge about BPD, I see now that from the first date on she was giving me red flags and grooming me for the near future by doing the following things:

1. Bad mouthing her ex husband and how he treated her and cheated on her.

2. She lied on our first date telling me that she was only married once before.  After we separated I found out that there was an earlier marriage that she just somehow failed to mention... .even when she said the words, "I've only been married one time... ." she failed to mention the other marriage - sorry for the heavy sarcasm... .

3.  She told me about some other intimate details such as her childhood sexual abuse, about how her boyfriend before me sexually assaulted her and she had to get a protective order against him.

4.  She was love bombing me telling me that she was very attracted to me and had a special feeling about us.

(To be honest I actually did have a very special feeling about her.  Even before I heard her say anything.  I thought she was very special, very sweet, very beautiful and smart.  What she was bombing me with was very confirming to me.  I felt like I was having a moment from a romantic movie! Love at first sight was occurring to me!  And from my side of things, it actually was occurring!

Everything felt just right.  My feelings for her in this regard never subsided.  They were always as strong as they were on our first date, but hers faded after our wedding - and as I push myself deeper into thought, her feelings of devaluation began even before our wedding.

5. On our first date telling me some other things that she had done wrong further back in her past, college years, that she felt horrible about, and then she invited me to tell her what was something I had done that I was ashamed of.  I resisted telling her anything quite so revealing on our first date.  It seemed inappropriate for me although I didn't judge her at all for having revealed so much to me.

6. She told me on our first date that when her ex husband (#2) finally confessed to her that he had cheated, she just flipped a switch and she walked away from him.  Never felt a thing.  She said it was easy.  It bothered her how easy it was but she suddenly just didn't feel anything for him.  I pushed her about this because it didn't sound normal to me.  No hurt?  No mourning?  No regrets?  No marriage counseling?  Her answer: No.

She told me that after 12 years of marriage (Also a lie as I found out later. She was maybe married 8 years at the most.) she just walked away.  

During the times I was painted white I said a few times to her, "You really told me a lot about yourself on our first date." to which she would reply, "I know I did.  I just had never felt so comfortable around someone before.  I must have been comfortable because I told you things that very few other people know."

NOW... .if anyone else can beat me out for the sucker of the year award?  Please step forward.  I managed to rationalize all of these red flags and move forward with this beautiful woman rather quickly.

[Hope0807]

    yup yup!  Much of me was terrified to be alone, and it really sucks right now…but all I have to do is remind myself of how alone I felt IN that relationship and how at least now I might be alone, but my soul isn't being eroded by the company I'm keeping.  HOPE!

I think a lot of it has to do with us nons.  We get so wrapped up in jumping through the hoops and trying to meet our BPD's needs that we can't look up and see what's actually going on around us.  After a while, the crazy just becomes our norm.  We stick around and look beyond the crazy behavior that all of us are familiar with because of the idealization phases.  It's as if we all have blinders on because we want that projection to be them all of the time.

I think it also might have to do with enmeshment.  That's their goal, right?  Two become one, literally.  Until they feel engulfed and push us away.  If we start buying into the enmeshment and begin to lose our identities in our relationship, how can we notice problems?  In order to find fault or issues with our relationship, we would have to find fault in ourselves.  And who wants to do that? 

[Hope0807]

  I'm going to give your Sucker of the Year award a run for the money and just call myself a giant sucker, period!

  #1 Had something negative to say about EVERYONE soon after the period ended when he had nice things to say about most

  #2 Said he was a very healthy eater/cook - Found fast food containers & candy wrappers all over the place soon after I moved in

  #3 Told me and everyone who would listen about the caretaker who stole from his dying father - Later learned HE stole from his dying father

  #4 Explained how he did weekend jail time for pot - Found out later he was a complex criminal and trafficked some pretty heavy drugs in the past (and present again)

  #5 Had tons of stories about tons of friends - But all the friends were virtually non-existent once our relationship took off - OR he had awful negative stories about why they were no longer worth his time - they did him wrong somehow

  #6 Home he moved me into received foreclosure papers shortly after I moved in - Lied about how/why that happened

  #7 Intense intense love bombing:  "You're an angel"  "You have to realize you saved my life."  "I would've been dead in a few years if I didn't meet you."  "Promise me you'll never leave me."  "They broke he mold with you."  "Everything about you is perfect."  "I've never met anyone as patient or balanced in their life as you."  ……I can't even type anymore but that list could go on for eternity.  I'm nauseous just thinking about it.

  #8  Cut off people left and right like they never mattered.  Even did it to someone he referred to regularly as "his best friend" and when he heard this friend committed suicide twice…refused to go see him or call him.  When I asked him to think about how he would feel if the friend succeeded the next time and he hadn't reached out…the ex responded "I wouldn't care at all.  Not my problem."  COLD AS ICE!

I could go on and on, but when I looked deeper into the person I swore was full of compassion and warmth, I saw a distinct lack of empathy…time and time again.

Like the quote I will never forget that made it all come together for me:  "10% of them are killers…90% of them will make you want to kill yourself" - - - - I married a friggin' Psychopath! What the heck! 

There were always obvious signs from day one if I'm honest,  but a real lesson I learned is to watch how people treat others.  She could be nasty as hell to her parents,  about all her exes,  about her friends etc etc.

I witnessed this but for some reason didn't perceive that I'd end up on the receiving end. 

I do wonder how she held herself together in some regards,  for example I'd tease her a lot in the beginning and also I had control of the relationship,  all of that changed at the end.

Ditto here on this one.

For so long I talked about our first date with so much nostalgia and near reverence.  My xBPDw and I would discuss it that way frequently.

Now as I analyze it with a little bit of perspective and some knowledge about BPD, I see now that from the first date on she was giving me red flags and grooming me for the near future by doing the following things:

1. Bad mouthing her ex husband and how he treated her and cheated on her.

2. She lied on our first date telling me that she was only married once before.  After we separated I found out that there was an earlier marriage that she just somehow failed to mention... .even when she said the words, "I've only been married one time... ." she failed to mention the other marriage - sorry for the heavy sarcasm... .

3.  She told me about some other intimate details such as her childhood sexual abuse, about how her boyfriend before me sexually assaulted her and she had to get a protective order against him.

4.  She was love bombing me telling me that she was very attracted to me and had a special feeling about us.

(To be honest I actually did have a very special feeling about her.  Even before I heard her say anything.  I thought she was very special, very sweet, very beautiful and smart.  What she was bombing me with was very confirming to me.  I felt like I was having a moment from a romantic movie! Love at first sight was occurring to me!  And from my side of things, it actually was occurring!

Everything felt just right.  My feelings for her in this regard never subsided.  They were always as strong as they were on our first date, but hers faded after our wedding - and as I push myself deeper into thought, her feelings of devaluation began even before our wedding.

5. On our first date telling me some other things that she had done wrong further back in her past, college years, that she felt horrible about, and then she invited me to tell her what was something I had done that I was ashamed of.  I resisted telling her anything quite so revealing on our first date.  It seemed inappropriate for me although I didn't judge her at all for having revealed so much to me.

6. She told me on our first date that when her ex husband (#2) finally confessed to her that he had cheated, she just flipped a switch and she walked away from him.  Never felt a thing.  She said it was easy.  It bothered her how easy it was but she suddenly just didn't feel anything for him.  I pushed her about this because it didn't sound normal to me.  No hurt?  No mourning?  No regrets?  No marriage counseling?  Her answer: No.

She told me that after 12 years of marriage (Also a lie as I found out later. She was maybe married 8 years at the most.) she just walked away.  

During the times I was painted white I said a few times to her, "You really told me a lot about yourself on our first date." to which she would reply, "I know I did.  I just had never felt so comfortable around someone before.  I must have been comfortable because I told you things that very few other people know."

NOW... .if anyone else can beat me out for the sucker of the year award?  Please step forward.  I managed to rationalize all of these red flags and move forward with this beautiful woman rather quickly.

[Tibbles]

I think it was hidden from me for so long because I had co-dependency issues and was OK living my life through him. Also we had kids and I just ignored warning signs, I was so focused on having a happy nuclear family. It came into full blossom as he hit a major health crisis and that coincided with the kids becoming teenagers and wanting independence. Then the BPD came out full bore and totally flatten myself and the kids. Like a cyclone tearing through a town. Total destruction.

[Hope0807]

Tibbles,

I'm so sorry to hear this.  When I learn how many kids are involved in this it makes me grateful and sad both at the same time.  Do you and your children have support with family?

I think it was hidden from me for so long because I had co-dependency issues and was OK living my life through him. Also we had kids and I just ignored warning signs, I was so focused on having a happy nuclear family. It came into full blossom as he hit a major health crisis and that coincided with the kids becoming teenagers and wanting independence. Then the BPD came out full bore and totally flatten myself and the kids. Like a cyclone tearing through a town. Total destruction.

[Tibbles]

Thanks Hopeless 0807. Yes we do have family support. The wonderful family I turned my back on trying to save my marriage were there for me straight away. I am so lucky to have such an accepting caring family behind me. Unfortunately they are on the other side of the country so I only get to see them every 6 months but private messages on FB are wonderful!

It is what it has done to the kids that hurts the most. My poor son has anxiety/panic disorders as well as Bipolar. I put the anxiety/panic disorder down to living in such a stressed explosive house, and I was partly responsible for that as well as my ex. I so wish I could have found my way to leave earlier than I did. My daughter also has issues, not as debilitating as my son but she carries the scares as well. At least now I am giving them a loving calm, peaceful accepting home. That's something at least!

[captainp]

They have a lot of shallow friendships with people they don't see very often -- and they are always "normal" around these people.  It's also how it is so easy to make you look like the a-hole when you break up.

Mine had a pretty fast idealization/devaluation cycle when it came to relationships, which spanned 3 - 4 months -- so I got out fairly quickly. 

[Infared]

I was friendly to my ex for a couple of years during a seasonal job situation, long before we dated. I did have the opportunity to see her cheat on the guy she was living with, with a married man and devalue her BF.

For some reason I thought that those things would not happen with us. I discussed it with her, and she showed remorse... .and I was very, very careful in the beginning. Fast forward 5 years of living together and I was treated similarly... .

The most disturbing part was that she turned into someone that I just did not know. Vindictive, abusive, dishonest, blaming and then would switch to victim... .and just told lie after lie after lie to me and everyone else that mattered in her life.

It's really difficult to have to grasp the change in this person and to cope with the abuse and the loss of what you "thought" that you had.

Of course... .she had shown me this person years before... .but I chose to ignore that, forgave and attached.

So... .you can put me on that list for sucker of the year, as well because all the signs were there to show me what lay ahead in my future! 

I have been absolute NC for a long time... .but I am still occasionally subjected to bizarre behavior.  I never engage... .but the whole experience troubles me deeply.

[going places]

My uPDexH (leaning away from BPD and most heavily toward ASPD/Psychopath) seemed to keep most of what overflowed in the last 6-12 months (as complete and utter insanity) neatly under wraps for the better part of 7 years.  Knowing what I know now, I believe all of what I experienced with him could be compared to tiny bits of the mask chipping off, piece by tiny piece OR like a simmer, to a boil, to an overflowing rumbling boil that eventually starts a fire.  :)amn did I get burned!

Did yours keep it together for the most part and then surprise you with a form of insanity you truly feel was not witnessed/experienced earlier?

A master.

22 years.

Having 3 kids in 4 years kept me busy.

He was insidious... .very very very 'on the down low' kind of guy.

In 1998, I began following Christ... .

By 1999-early 2000, I just 'felt' like something was wrong... .

By 2004 I KNEW something was wrong, and I could not put my finger on it.

His abuse began to escalate because I really started to notice... .(gaslighting, manipulating, etc)

2 weeks after our 20th wedding anniversary I caught him 8 months deep in an affair.

THAT is when the mask fell off.

In the drive way... .when he looked me dead in the eye, with his empty soulless eyes and said:

"I didn't think I'd get caught. I thought I could have my cake and eat it too. ((meaning a wife at home that cooks and cleans and works and pays bills, and a ___ on the side to have porn sex with)).

He then says "Ok, so I want a divorce".

After a week of begging him, he came home.

We saw a 'biblical counselor'... .who was a monster.

After a year of silence I talk to my doc... .PTSD and Depression... .and begged me to get help.

Watching the ex walk around WITHOUT his mask, hurt so much.

I blamed myself for being stupid: Which I was NOT... .it is he that is the monster. I trusted. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Finally after THREE YEARS of living with him without his mask... .I said enough.

Now divorced, and the house just sold... .Praise the Lord... .soon I will be 100% free of him.

His family is the same... .that apple did NOT fall far from the tree.

One red flag I WILL NEVER EVER EVER ignore?

The in-laws.

If the in-laws are out there like Pluto... .yeah, good chances are the person you are with isn't far behind.

[Hawk Ridge]

Can you explain a little about the inlaws? My exes family seemed oblivious to the issues and still do: multiple suicide attempts, depression, many many unstable relationships, substance abuse.  I guess I bypassed it so why wouldn't they?  I assumed it was sort of the love is blind theory but, man, it is lonely when,it is over. I didn't tell them about the emotional abuse, doubt they would believe it but part of me wonders what they do see.  Her dad was much like her so my guess is, like the fact I was blinded because my dad and older sister demonstrate the same behaviors, you are so used to it, you believe it is normal - another reason I am grateful: I recognized it finally - it is not a healthy way to live. 

[going places]

For me in-law "red flags".

1. He could do no wrong... .he was perfect... .and always had been.

2. When you are talking... .they just start talking like you are not even in the room. Right over you... .

3. When they are verbally abusive (your degree is worthless and you need to go back to school)

4. When they blame you for everything (you must have a hormonal imbalance (at age 30... .).

5. When they come to your home, every weekend, eat you out of house and home, trash the place, then leave... .never bringing food, never saying thank you, never asking if it's ok? THEN show up at the oldest childs 10th birthday, and because they are mad at you... .make a big production of NOT talking to you, staying in a different room than you... .making it clear and obvious to EVERYONE that they are mad at you... .((when it was the ex that created the mess... .and all you are guilty of is once again, trying to clean up his mess))

6. When FIL calls the ex by his brothers name... .(no dementia or alzheimers) more than he calls him by his name. ((the brother was always the favorite))

7. When the grandfather had an affair, and his wife literally died of a broken heart, and he married his mistress before the body was cold: when the father, after 25 years dumped his wife for a woman 10 years younger... .GOOD CHANCES ARE this curse runs in the family. RUN AWAY.

Yeah, I will take a LONG HARD LOOK at the 'family and friends' because apples don't fall far from trees and birds of a feather usually flock together... .

[Hope0807]

You're right about those shallow friendships and making me the a-hole to them.  My ex spread so many different stories about me, I couldn't keep up and I didn't waste my time trying.  I'm jealous you got out and surprised with getting out so quickly, you find yourself on this board.  How did you find yourself here?  So curious.

They have a lot of shallow friendships with people they don't see very often -- and they are always "normal" around these people.  It's also how it is so easy to make you look like the a-hole when you break up.

Mine had a pretty fast idealization/devaluation cycle when it came to relationships, which spanned 3 - 4 months -- so I got out fairly quickly. 

[Hope0807]

I'm going to clarify since I started this thread.  In my case, I'm referring mostly to the extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) - who are all fairly close and have always seemed delightful.  My ex has two siblings and both of his parents are deceased.  His siblings are not without issues of their own, but they are clearly NOT personality disordered.

At least one uncle knew of my ex's intense criminal history and drug/alcohol use... .and failed to fill me in when I confided in him YEARS ago about my ex's surprise drinking and verbal abuse in those times.  Other extended family members caught bits and pieces of my struggles with my ex and simply said stuff like, "Wow, you're truly perfect for him, he really NEEDS someone like you."  (I set strong boundaries from the beginning and didn't put up with the negativity and brashness he would toss out…but never in MY direction in the beginning)

The brother and sis in law actually knew I was in tears on more than one occasion and never really pulled me aside to say what they finally said after the fallout…"We know EXACTLY what a piece of garbage he is.  He was ALWAYS drunk and high.  He was vicious.  He was a BAD guy.  We thought he changed when he met you."

They never uttered a WORD of this while I was in the relationship and then had the nerve when I shared some red flags in hindsight to say "Why didn't  you run?"  What the heck?  I wanted to but didn't say "WHY DIDN"T YOU TELL ME HOW AWFUL HE WAS?"

There's so much more, but I'm really disgusted at how a good portion of his family knew he was a crappy human and then when he destroyed me said little more than, "Sorry to hear it didn't work out"  --AFTER SEVEN YEARS!

I had to push and pry for the information I did get.  I can't help but view his family now as crippling enablers.

[letmeout]

I don't think they necessarily hide it, we just don't recognize it once we get used to it.

[ScotisGone74]

Unfortunately Hope, from all the material I have read  it seems that the family of our exBPD s usually fall into one of two categories   1 crippling enablers     2.  Bpd or other mental illness themselves.     Honestly what would you expect from either category?

[billypilgrim]

I'm going to clarify since I started this thread.  In my case, I'm referring mostly to the extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins)

In my case, her mother is a diagnosed bipolar and BPD and doesn't think her issues are her fault (she is also divorcing her husband, nice mother/daughter bonding exercise I guess).  They are of course best friends and who she grew up with when her parents split (and her father was subsequently out of her life for 6 years. Abandonment exhibit A).  Her father has a substance problem as does a close aunt and uncle.  She always pretended to be sweet and innocent to one grandparent and avoided the other side.  Basically the closest family she has is her diagnosed mother.  Her friends are a series of shallow acquaintances that get together for birthday parties and such.  They rarely talk or meet up.  They only see the social and outgoing side. 

Basically no one is close enough to her go really get to know her, except for maybe her mother who is exactly like she is.  And neither one of them think anything is really wrong with them.  I got close enough to see it, I just didn't realize what it was until after she was gone.

[Hope0807]

There were definitely things I was used to and couldn't stand:  rages, negativity, oppositional defiance…

and then were distinct disordered criteria that he absolutely hid, maliciously:  stealing, adultery, drug use, criminal behavior…and then some.

I never got used to him being an addict.  He hid it.  I never got used to him flipping the table and hating me after begging me not to leave for years.  He just did it and was obviously hiding that sickness and much else until it exploded.

I don't think they necessarily hide it, we just don't recognize it once we get used to it.

[Hope0807]

I'm guessing you have a point, but where have you read that?  I haven't read that and would be curious to see more.  For instance, my mother is uBPD and I've seen the large thread of illness in her family.  The patience I learned to have with her no doubt played into the familiarity I found myself stuck to as I grew comfortably uncomfortable with the uBPD/ASPDexH.  It is perfectly understandable that children of mentally ill parents gravitate unknowingly toward mates with similar deficiencies…we repeat patterns until we heal them.  But if it's true that families of PDs are either 1 crippling enablers or 2 mentally ill themselves, I'd love to read more.

Unfortunately Hope, from all the material I have read  it seems that the family of our exBPD s usually fall into one of two categories   1 crippling enablers     2.  Bpd or other mental illness themselves.     Honestly what would you expect from either category?

[ScotisGone74]

Im not a researcher nor am I proving a scientist hypothesis, but rather that is the information that I have gathered in the past couple of years from reading peoples` stories here and some books ive read that touched on it briefly.  In the case of my exBPD I believe her family was both, her father had some issues and her mum and sister were enablers.    Of course I didnt realize at the time, but I brought my own people pleasing  problems to the table.    Each BPD will be different in their own way,  some that have healthy families may not even be on speaking terms or have anything to do with them