Sent uBPDx happy birthday text

[cleverusername]

So my uBPDx's birthday was about a week ago, so I thought I'd try to be friendly and send her a "happy birthday" text, and didn't get a response. I'm totally over ever being with her again romantically, but when we broke up we both agreed that we wanted to try to be friends. Even while we were together she always said that if we don't work out as a couple she would want to be friends, and I agreed and actually meant it.

I would understand her not wanting to talk to someone who hurt her or something like that, but I don't really think that's why she didn't respond (and if anything, she was the one who withdrew from the relationship and caused the breakup, and hurt me). She's the one who moved on to another guy within days of our breakup and is still seeing him as far as I know, so I would have thought that she'd be far enough removed from our relationship that she would at least be friendly with me and thank me for wishing her a happy birthday.

We are Facebook friends at the moment, but I unfollowed her so I wouldn't have to see posts of her and her new bf when I was still hurting from our breakup. When we had the big blowout over text message that caused her to end the relationship she immediately unfriended me on FB, and when we met a couple weeks later to talk about the breakup in person she had no idea she had unfriended me (hardcore dissociation). The a couple weeks later she friended me again, and the most recent contact we've had was when she liked a picture of me from Halloween. Not sure why someone would like pictures of you and then not respond at all when you say happy birthday... .

I guess the reason for my post is that this just bothers me. It's not a feeling of longing for a person romantically, it's just wanting for someone I once had a strong connection with to still be in touch and to know we're on good terms, even if it's just the smallest things like saying happy birthday to one another. I guess I have these feelings because I haven't really had many people in my life who were once friends end up hating me or being indifferent towards me. It's only happened on one other occasion with a friend and I was the cause of it. My guilt over it lasted for years, I really tore myself up over it and thought she hated me. About 5 years after the fact I was randomly pocket dialed by this person... .when I first saw her number come up on my phone I was so excited, only to realize it was a mistake haha. But it gave me a reason to text her, so I sent her a message saying she pocket dialed me and it obviously reminded me of her and she responded well to it and seemed happy to hear from me. I was so relieved, it was like a weight had been lifted and I actually cried. A couple years after that we saw each other for the first time in years at a mutual friends party and I apologized for what I had done to her years past... .and she had totally forgotten about it and I could tell there were no hard feelings.

People tell me they never speak to their exes again after they breakup and I just don't get it. It just makes the loss feel that much bigger to me. Am I the only person that is like this? I really wish there was a good way for me to get my ex and I back on good terms and catching up every once in a while, but even when she responded to my texts a few months ago she would stop responding as soon as I asked how she's doing and what she's been up to. I know a lot of people say that pwBPD can't be good friends to someone but she doesn't really need to be, I just want a little bit of friendly contact here and there (plus I don't know with 100% certainty that she even has BPD).

[CloseToFreedom]

My ex has her birthday tomorrow. This story is a good reminder to NOT wish her a happy birthday. She can choke in a piece of pie.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Why let the exBPD know they still have a claw in you?  Is this co-dependency? Turn away, look within and move on.

[Deeno02]

Its your choice. Not ours. Sounds like your riding the fence. All we can do is relay our experience to you. You do whst you want. I have not talked to my ex in almost 5 months and Im cool with it. Its painful not to have that contact with someone you loved so much, but I have to remember it was her who chose to break me instead of being a partner. It was her who said bad things about my kids, not me. I own what I own in the r/s. I will never put myself in that situation again. Never. Put if you want to, thats your choice.

[JRT]

Nope... .I get it... .I am friends with each and every GF that I have ever had including my ex-wife. These were all people to whom I professed my love and gave it to them on various levels. She, I or both of us decided that we would not pursue a long term relationship together for FUNCTIONAL reasons. For me, I don't see the love as something that I can shut off. Perhaps I have some sort of 'issue' but if I do, I don't see it as a bad thing.

My ex fiance disappeared when I was away on business after she had moved into my house just weeks prior. Without ANY warning of any kind, I received a 'its over' text' and then she blocked my from every conceivable way of contacting her. I called months after the fact on her birthday and just last week at Christmas as you did (from a hotel phone where I was not blocked). She hung up on me when I said hello so I never really had a chance to talk.The calls were returned by a letter from a lawyer friend threatening a protection order and a call from the cops respectively.

This really drove the point home as to what sort of person with whom I was with. It is clear that BPD's have VERY little regard for the person that they are 'splitting' if they had any regard for them at all. It is all about them and their own survival. I wonder if your call to her was likely seen as an intrusion and a very rude or forceful breach of her defenses... .OR, she regards your relationship with you now with no greater regard than the person she passed on the street. These are a really hurtful bunch!

[cleverusername]

Why let the exBPD know they still have a claw in you?  Is this co-dependency? Turn away, look within and move on.

I may have some co-dependency issues but I don't think that's the reason behind me wanting to stay on good terms with my ex. After doing some thinking about it I think the underlying reason I feel this way is very similar to why I am very sentimental and keep items that remind me of certain times/people in my life. Even things like restaurant receipts, movie tickets, etc. I just don't want to feel like a memory, person, experience, etc is completely GONE, and I want to have the option to revisit them at times. It may even have something to do with a fear of mortality I guess? Feeling like I am dead to someone who I really care about just hurts me really badly.

Nope... .I get it... .I am friends with each and every GF that I have ever had including my ex-wife. These were all people to whom I professed my love and gave it to them on various levels. She, I or both of us decided that we would not pursue a long term relationship together for FUNCTIONAL reasons. For me, I don't see the love as something that I can shut off. Perhaps I have some sort of 'issue' but if I do, I don't see it as a bad thing.

My ex fiance disappeared when I was away on business after she had moved into my house just weeks prior. Without ANY warning of any kind, I received a 'its over' text' and then she blocked my from every conceivable way of contacting her. I called months after the fact on her birthday and just last week at Christmas as you did (from a hotel phone where I was not blocked). She hung up on me when I said hello so I never really had a chance to talk.The calls were returned by a letter from a lawyer friend threatening a protection order and a call from the cops respectively.

This really drove the point home as to what sort of person with whom I was with. It is clear that BPD's have VERY little regard for the person that they are 'splitting' if they had any regard for them at all. It is all about them and their own survival. I wonder if your call to her was likely seen as an intrusion and a very rude or forceful breach of her defenses... .OR, she regards your relationship with you now with no greater regard than the person she passed on the street. These are a really hurtful bunch!

I'm so sorry about what happened with your ex fiance, that's horrible. You're right, it is clear that BPD's have very little regard for the person they are "splitting" and it's terrifying. I can't imagine ever considering someone wishing me a happy birthday to be an intrusion, that just baffles me.

Funny thing I just thought of... .I've been talking with a new girl recently and her birthday was yesterday. I asked her how her day was and she said it was weird and one of the things she mentioned that made it weird was that her ex messaged her, presumably just to wish her a happy birthday. I kind of wanted to ask what's so weird about that but didn't, and I assume she didn't respond. I've already been seeing red flags with this girl and this seems like possibly another one. I really don't want to even date someone if they are the type to want zero contact with their exes afterward (and she was with her ex for 6 years). She's a friend of a friend so I've hung out with her before with our friend group, and she was kind of giving me crazy vibes, and then a friend who recently was out with her at bars told me she got trashed and "seems crazy." I seem to attract them... . 

[JRT]

Yeah... .me too... .be careful brother.

[cleverusername]

I'm kind of having the urge to text my ex about the girl I recently met from online dating that happened to be from her hometown and knows her (and they are FB friends). Not in a malicious way like "hey, I went on a date with your old friend, what do you think about that?" but more because I kind of want to know what she thinks of her... .and I think it may actually get a response out of her as opposed to the silent treatment I've been getting. I actually do value her opinion and it's just such a strange coincidence that I feel the urge to share it with her. At the same time if it would paint me even more black that's not the result I want.

I really do think that having her in my life as a friend really would be a net positive. I think our circumstances are different than that of most of the relationships I've read about on this site. She knows things about me that no one else knows (and no else probably will ever know) and was completely accepting and understanding of it all. She really helped me in a huge way by being the first girl to have a relationship with me at age 27, and because of that she will always be really important to me.

I guess I could say something like "Hey ___. So this was kind of weird... .I met a girl online and when we met in person I found out that she's from the same town as you and apparently knows you. Crazy right?" Or I could ask if she's ready to be friends again like Nick and Jess from the show New Girl after they broke up (she loves their characters/relationship haha) and after she hopefully responds I could eventually mention the girl I met.

[JRT]

I know how you feel... .I am friends with virtually everyone that I have ever dated so I am of the same motivation. I think that, if at all, that you approaching her with a competing romantic interest will serve to do anything else but to piss her off (think about it). Second, as BPD's do not have the same approach towards intimate relationships as you and I, having a normal friendly relationship with them is a bit of a pipe dream. I understand man; there is PLENTY that my ex knows about me that no one else knows... .things we did... .said... .places we went to etc... .Its part of the pain; those things meant everything to you and you can never take them back and re-live them with someone else. Meanwhile, she likely cares nothing about those things and and the person they are attached to. I know that this sounds really harsh - I have a hard time accepting this about my ex. It almost feels like your home was burglarized and only the personal things pictures, souvenirs, wall paint (if she chose it), furniture, art work (if she was with you when you bought it) etc. were all stolen or hijacked by a stranger.

Consider yourself lucky and stay away from her for many reasons. At least you have your youth: I am 48 years old. She stole 2 years of my life and whatever time I will need to put my life back on track. You have no idea what kind of a b___ it is to date in midlife. I'll be 50 at the earliest when I will be married again... .if ever.

[Deeno02]

I know how you feel... .I am friends with virtually everyone that I have ever dated so I am of the same motivation. I think that, if at all, that you approaching her with a competing romantic interest will serve to do anything else but to piss her off (think about it). Second, as BPD's do not have the same approach towards intimate relationships as you and I, having a normal friendly relationship with them is a bit of a pipe dream. I understand man; there is PLENTY that my ex knows about me that no one else knows... .things we did... .said... .places we went to etc... .Its part of the pain; those things meant everything to you and you can never take them back and re-live them with someone else. Meanwhile, she likely cares nothing about those things and and the person they are attached to. I know that this sounds really harsh - I have a hard time accepting this about my ex. It almost feels like your home was burglarized and only the personal things pictures, souvenirs, wall paint (if she chose it), furniture, art work (if she was with you when you bought it) etc. were all stolen or hijacked by a stranger.

Consider yourself lucky and stay away from her for many reasons. At least you have your youth: I am 48 years old. She stole 2 years of my life and whatever time I will need to put my life back on track. You have no idea what kind of a b___ it is to date in midlife. I'll be 50 at the earliest when I will be married again... .if ever.

yep, I feel ya. Im 51 and starting over after 16 month BS relationship. Yay me...

[JRT]

I know how you feel... .I am friends with virtually everyone that I have ever dated so I am of the same motivation. I think that, if at all, that you approaching her with a competing romantic interest will serve to do anything else but to piss her off (think about it). Second, as BPD's do not have the same approach towards intimate relationships as you and I, having a normal friendly relationship with them is a bit of a pipe dream. I understand man; there is PLENTY that my ex knows about me that no one else knows... .things we did... .said... .places we went to etc... .Its part of the pain; those things meant everything to you and you can never take them back and re-live them with someone else. Meanwhile, she likely cares nothing about those things and and the person they are attached to. I know that this sounds really harsh - I have a hard time accepting this about my ex. It almost feels like your home was burglarized and only the personal things pictures, souvenirs, wall paint (if she chose it), furniture, art work (if she was with you when you bought it) etc. were all stolen or hijacked by a stranger.

Consider yourself lucky and stay away from her for many reasons. At least you have your youth: I am 48 years old. She stole 2 years of my life and whatever time I will need to put my life back on track. You have no idea what kind of a b___ it is to date in midlife. I'll be 50 at the earliest when I will be married again... .if ever.

yep, I feel ya. Im 51 and starting over after 16 month BS relationship. Yay me...

Uggghhh... .sorry to hear man. The dating sites are like going from one crazy to another. I need to start a site just for that lunacy alone!

[oletimefeelin]

There's a real childlike quality to your post.  Holding onto this "wish" that you and your borderline ex can maintain some sort of relationship, even in the face of her actions clearly telling you she has zero interest in doing as much.  Your own abandonment sensitivity jumps off the page in the way you write.  I am curious what your own back story is.  :)id someone important leave you when you were younger?  Or perhaps was someone important absent in spite of being present?

I also read some very real boundary issues here.  I mean you can write an ex on his/her birthday, but it doesn't mean it's right.  Consider the ambivalence stirred up in your new flame's life when her ex reached out on "her" day.  People leave our lives.  They aren't tangible items like the mementoes you referenced.  They make their own decisions, and we need to respect them.  Also, writing her about the girl from her hometown is an absolutely horrid idea.  You are trying to provoke a response.  I recognize you are grasping for straws to hold onto this person in any way possible, but there has to be a better way than this.    

I am certain much of this stems from her being your "first".  We don't forget those.  It just so happens that yours is memorable for other, less healthy, reasons as well.  The bottom line is that her staying in your life would be a "net positive" only because it wouldn't force you to accept her departure as real.  The sooner you focus on moving forward, not looking back, the sooner you will be out the other side of this.  I am certain the easiest path forward for you is by looking internally, not externally as you are currently doing.

[cleverusername]

There's a real childlike quality to your post.  Holding onto this "wish" that you and your borderline ex can maintain some sort of relationship, even in the face of her actions clearly telling you she has zero interest in doing as much.  Your own abandonment sensitivity jumps off the page in the way you write.  I am curious what your own back story is.  :)id someone important leave you when you were younger?  Or perhaps was someone important absent in spite of being present?

No, no one important left me when I was younger, and I don't recall anyone important being "absent in spite of being present." I really don't remember much about my early childhood though (in a normal way I think), so it's tough to say. I know my dad worked late nights when I was younger but I don't think that was ever a problem for me.

I also read some very real boundary issues here.  I mean you can write an ex on his/her birthday, but it doesn't mean it's right.  Consider the ambivalence stirred up in your new flame's life when her ex reached out on "her" day.  People leave our lives.  They aren't tangible items like the mementoes you referenced.  They make their own decisions, and we need to respect them.  Also, writing her about the girl from her hometown is an absolutely horrid idea.  You are trying to provoke a response.  I recognize you are grasping for straws to hold onto this person in any way possible, but there has to be a better way than this.    

I don't really see what could possibly be wrong about sending an ex a simple happy birthday message. I wasn't trying to upset her or gain anything from it (besides maybe a quick conversation, but a simple "thanks" would have sufficed), I just wanted to show her that I remembered and that I still care about her. Our relationship didn't end on such bad terms that there should be any animosity (if anyone has a right to be angry it's me), and she even said she wanted to remain friends. I know people often say that and don't mean it but I really thought she did, and she said multiple times while we were dating that she would want to be friends if things don't work out romantically. I guess it just doesn't make sense to me for people to leave one another's lives entirely when they are a positive in one another's lives and when the loss feels like a negative. I feel like this is a completely rational way to feel, and that cutting ties with good people just because things didn't work out romantically seems like an overly emotional move.

As far as mentioning the girl from her hometown, the only reason I even considered it is because she's apparently 100% over me, so it shouldn't hurt or anything like that. It's just a crazy coincidence (I've always loved talking about crazy coincidences where you're like "what are the odds?" and asking her about the girl would be my way of showing her that her opinion still matters to me. But yeah, I see how it could come across as a pretty awful thing to say if she really isn't over me, in which case I feel for her current bf because they shouldn't be together.

Now that I think about it, I remember her telling me something when she was upset with me (over basically nothing, as usual) and she had told me that she didn't think things were working out (one of the many times that was always followed by an apology and her acting very in love with me very soon after). It was a little over 3 months into the relationship and she told me that on top of the two of us having issues she had gotten an email from her ex telling her that he was completely over her and regretted ever dating her, and how it made her feel horrible. So I guess she wasn't over him even though they weren't really in touch and she bad mouthed him so much, so she may not be over me right now either. Which is totally dumb, because that just proves that I was a rebound, as is her current bf in all likelihood.

Funny thing is, as much as she bad mouthed her ex before me and the fact that he told her he regretted ever dating her, once we broke up she mentioned that she can't even go back to dating him because he was with a new girl. Recycling and splitting is real haha.

I am certain much of this stems from her being your "first".  We don't forget those.  It just so happens that yours is memorable for other, less healthy, reasons as well.  The bottom line is that her staying in your life would be a "net positive" only because it wouldn't force you to accept her departure as real.  The sooner you focus on moving forward, not looking back, the sooner you will be out the other side of this.  I am certain the easiest path forward for you is by looking internally, not externally as you are currently doing.

Yeah, I just don't get why it needs to even be a "departure." Why can't it just be a period of healing and then continuing the relationship as friends? I'm moving forward and I'm dating, I'd just also like to keep my ex in my life if even in just the smallest amount. I see it all the time with friends of mine, so I guess I just wish my situation could be like that.

[JRT]

There's a real childlike quality to your post.  Holding onto this "wish" that you and your borderline ex can maintain some sort of relationship, even in the face of her actions clearly telling you she has zero interest in doing as much.  Your own abandonment sensitivity jumps off the page in the way you write.  I am curious what your own back story is.  :)id someone important leave you when you were younger?  Or perhaps was someone important absent in spite of being present?

I also read some very real boundary issues here.  I mean you can write an ex on his/her birthday, but it doesn't mean it's right.  Consider the ambivalence stirred up in your new flame's life when her ex reached out on "her" day.  People leave our lives.  They aren't tangible items like the mementoes you referenced.  They make their own decisions, and we need to respect them.  Also, writing her about the girl from her hometown is an absolutely horrid idea.  You are trying to provoke a response.  I recognize you are grasping for straws to hold onto this person in any way possible, but there has to be a better way than this.    

I am certain much of this stems from her being your "first".  We don't forget those.  It just so happens that yours is memorable for other, less healthy, reasons as well.  The bottom line is that her staying in your life would be a "net positive" only because it wouldn't force you to accept her departure as real.  The sooner you focus on moving forward, not looking back, the sooner you will be out the other side of this.  I am certain the easiest path forward for you is by looking internally, not externally as you are currently doing.

Ole... .I felt that your post to clever was a bit insensitive if not abusive. We are all here because we are victims and are hurt, confused and seeking support. Impeaching his past, needs, actions and thoughts are not very supportive.

Be cool man... .

[fred6]

cleverusername,

When my ex was breaking up with me for silly reasons(she was actually cheating on me), I told her that I would just disappear and she wouldn't ever have to worry about me again. She started crying and telling me how she wanted to "still be friends and have something to do with me". I kind of knew at the time that she was doing that to manipulate me and the situation, and to make herself feel better. The proof is in the pudding though. Her actions don't match her words because I haven't heard from her since I moved out.

One thing about some people is that the more you push the more they pull away. She may not want to actually be friends with you regardless of what she said. Is that OK with you?

While it may not be true, she may feel that you are clingy and needy. That may make her hesitant about responding. Regardless of why she doesn't reply, you'll never know what's going in her head.

It seems clear that at this point that she doesn't want to be friends. I don't see a problem with wishing her well on her birthday or major holidays. Other than that, you should probably leave her alone. Don't expect a reply from her though.

[Trog]

You're all far more peaceful than me, I wouldn't wish my ex a happy anything!

[cleverusername]

There's a real childlike quality to your post.  Holding onto this "wish" that you and your borderline ex can maintain some sort of relationship, even in the face of her actions clearly telling you she has zero interest in doing as much.  Your own abandonment sensitivity jumps off the page in the way you write.  I am curious what your own back story is.  :)id someone important leave you when you were younger?  Or perhaps was someone important absent in spite of being present?

I also read some very real boundary issues here.  I mean you can write an ex on his/her birthday, but it doesn't mean it's right.  Consider the ambivalence stirred up in your new flame's life when her ex reached out on "her" day.  People leave our lives.  They aren't tangible items like the mementoes you referenced.  They make their own decisions, and we need to respect them.  Also, writing her about the girl from her hometown is an absolutely horrid idea.  You are trying to provoke a response.  I recognize you are grasping for straws to hold onto this person in any way possible, but there has to be a better way than this.    

I am certain much of this stems from her being your "first".  We don't forget those.  It just so happens that yours is memorable for other, less healthy, reasons as well.  The bottom line is that her staying in your life would be a "net positive" only because it wouldn't force you to accept her departure as real.  The sooner you focus on moving forward, not looking back, the sooner you will be out the other side of this.  I am certain the easiest path forward for you is by looking internally, not externally as you are currently doing.

Ole... .I felt that your post to clever was a bit insensitive if not abusive. We are all here because we are victims and are hurt, confused and seeking support. Impeaching his past, needs, actions and thoughts are not very supportive.

Be cool man... .

Eh, I guess the tone was a little harsh but I kind of see it as tough love, haha. It's always good to try to be introspective and figure out why I feel the way I do and why I don't want to let the friendship go.

[cleverusername]

cleverusername,

When my ex was breaking up with me for silly reasons(she was actually cheating on me), I told her that I would just disappear and she wouldn't ever have to worry about me again. She started crying and telling me how she wanted to "still be friends and have something to do with me". I kind of knew at the time that she was doing that to manipulate me and the situation, and to make herself feel better. The proof is in the pudding though. Her actions don't match her words because I haven't heard from her since I moved out.

One thing about some people is that the more you push the more they pull away. She may not want to actually be friends with you regardless of what she said. Is that OK with you?

While it may not be true, she may feel that you are clingy and needy. That may make her hesitant about responding. Regardless of why she doesn't reply, you'll never know what's going in her head.

It seems clear that at this point that she doesn't want to be friends. I don't see a problem with wishing her well on her birthday or major holidays. Other than that, you should probably leave her alone. Don't expect a reply from her though.

I guess what bugs me about it is I've gotten a lot of mixed signals as far as whether she wants to be friends or not, especially because she has left means of communication open. She was the one who re-friended me on Facebook a couple weeks after the breakup and hasn't unfriended me since. Every so often she likes my pictures and stuff, the most recent time being Halloween. The last time we spoke in depth at all was in October, and it was pretty awkward because she had found out from a friend that my sister had called her crazy... .

Back story: My sister and my ex have some mutual friends because they went to the same college, even though they never actually met one another. One night my sister was at a party hosted by my exes friend and her boyfriend (my sister only knew the boyfriend), and he told her that he had met my ex and I. My sister told him that we had broken up, and he was shocked and told my sister that she had told him and his group of friends one night that she loved me but hadn't told me yet, and he thought she was kind of crazy. My sister agreed, haha, and apparently his gf ended up telling my ex that my sister called her crazy. So, my ex texted me saying that my sister shouldn't be talking ___ about her behind her back when she doesn't even know her. I apologized for it and my sister felt really bad and apologized as well, even though it wasn't really her fault and it was this other guy who initially called her crazy. I asked my ex if we were still on good terms and told her I hoped she wouldn't hold it against me and she said that we were still on good terms. I then asked how she's been and she didn't respond.

I didn't text her again for another month or so, and when I did it was to show her a cool iPhone app I knew she'd like. She responded enthusiastically but when I then asked how she's been she again didn't respond. And then recently I just wished her a happy birthday obviously. So our most recent interactions were two short ones where she just didn't really seem to want to talk about her life, and one where she didn't respond, over the course of over 3 months. Plus she liked a picture of me on FB during this time, so it seemed like she wanted to be friendly.

I don't know, I guess I just want to know where things stand. If she never wants to talk to me again I'd rather know than hold on to thinking that at some point we'll at least be on good enough terms to catch up with one another every once in a while. I'm not looking to be best buds or anything. I'm thinking that at some point I may just ask if she thinks she's ready to be friends and see what she says. I think that could at least give me some final closure, and if she says no or doesn't respond I can fully shut the door and come to terms that she's out of my life entirely.

[JRT]

cleverusername,

When my ex was breaking up with me for silly reasons(she was actually cheating on me), I told her that I would just disappear and she wouldn't ever have to worry about me again. She started crying and telling me how she wanted to "still be friends and have something to do with me". I kind of knew at the time that she was doing that to manipulate me and the situation, and to make herself feel better. The proof is in the pudding though. Her actions don't match her words because I haven't heard from her since I moved out.

One thing about some people is that the more you push the more they pull away. She may not want to actually be friends with you regardless of what she said. Is that OK with you?

While it may not be true, she may feel that you are clingy and needy. That may make her hesitant about responding. Regardless of why she doesn't reply, you'll never know what's going in her head.

It seems clear that at this point that she doesn't want to be friends. I don't see a problem with wishing her well on her birthday or major holidays. Other than that, you should probably leave her alone. Don't expect a reply from her though.

I guess what bugs me about it is I've gotten a lot of mixed signals as far as whether she wants to be friends or not, especially because she has left means of communication open. She was the one who re-friended me on Facebook a couple weeks after the breakup and hasn't unfriended me since. Every so often she likes my pictures and stuff, the most recent time being Halloween. The last time we spoke in depth at all was in October, and it was pretty awkward because she had found out from a friend that my sister had called her crazy... .

Back story: My sister and my ex have some mutual friends because they went to the same college, even though they never actually met one another. One night my sister was at a party hosted by my exes friend and her boyfriend (my sister only knew the boyfriend), and he told her that he had met my ex and I. My sister told him that we had broken up, and he was shocked and told my sister that she had told him and his group of friends one night that she loved me but hadn't told me yet, and he thought she was kind of crazy. My sister agreed, haha, and apparently his gf ended up telling my ex that my sister called her crazy. So, my ex texted me saying that my sister shouldn't be talking ___ about her behind her back when she doesn't even know her. I apologized for it and my sister felt really bad and apologized as well, even though it wasn't really her fault and it was this other guy who initially called her crazy. I asked my ex if we were still on good terms and told her I hoped she wouldn't hold it against me and she said that we were still on good terms. I then asked how she's been and she didn't respond.

I didn't text her again for another month or so, and when I did it was to show her a cool iPhone app I knew she'd like. She responded enthusiastically but when I then asked how she's been she again didn't respond. And then recently I just wished her a happy birthday obviously. So our most recent interactions were two short ones where she just didn't really seem to want to talk about her life, and one where she didn't respond, over the course of over 3 months. Plus she liked a picture of me on FB during this time, so it seemed like she wanted to be friendly.

I don't know, I guess I just want to know where things stand. If she never wants to talk to me again I'd rather know than hold on to thinking that at some point we'll at least be on good enough terms to catch up with one another every once in a while. I'm not looking to be best buds or anything. I'm thinking that at some point I may just ask if she thinks she's ready to be friends and see what she says. I think that could at least give me some final closure, and if she says no or doesn't respond I can fully shut the door and come to terms that she's out of my life entirely.

It's enough to make YOU crazy.

The prevailing wisdom with BPD's seems to be to ignore them. However, if mine were communicating with me as yours is I would welcome her contact (albeit with a tremendous level of guard and distance) and insist that she and I see a therapist together. But that's just me... .

[Perdita]

Mine's birthday is in the near future too.  No way will I have the urge to wish him a happy birthday.  I can't bring myself to be happy about the day he was born.  Sorry, he's caused me too much pain.  I wish I'd never met him.

[cleverusername]

It's enough to make YOU crazy.

The prevailing wisdom with BPD's seems to be to ignore them. However, if mine were communicating with me as yours is I would welcome her contact (albeit with a tremendous level of guard and distance) and insist that she and I see a therapist together. But that's just me... .

Oh I don't see myself ever seeing a therapist with her. I think that requires a level of closeness I don't see myself ever having with her again. Not to mention, as far as I know she's still dating my replacement so he should be going to therapy with her if that relationship is ever going to last. I would be open to us both seeing therapists on our own though, and I probably will see one at some point (I have in the past at times).

Mine's birthday is in the near future too.  No way will I have the urge to wish him a happy birthday.  I can't bring myself to be happy about the day he was born.  Sorry, he's caused me too much pain.  I wish I'd never met him.

I feel your pain. Mine definitely caused me pain but after reading some of the horror stories in these forums I think I got off pretty easy. She definitely had some crazy-making behavior but there was never any physical abuse, and I don't think there was ever any intentional mental abuse. It was mostly just her extreme neediness and fear of abandonment that caused frequent relationship issues, and times where she'd get angry about inconsequential stuff that was more off-putting than hurtful on a personal level. Plus I have a little bit more sympathy knowing that she had a legitimate reason for being the way she was/is.

[JRT]

It's enough to make YOU crazy.

The prevailing wisdom with BPD's seems to be to ignore them. However, if mine were communicating with me as yours is I would welcome her contact (albeit with a tremendous level of guard and distance) and insist that she and I see a therapist together. But that's just me... .

Oh I don't see myself ever seeing a therapist with her. I think that requires a level of closeness I don't see myself ever having with her again. Not to mention, as far as I know she's still dating my replacement so he should be going to therapy with her if that relationship is ever going to last. I would be open to us both seeing therapists on our own though, and I probably will see one at some point (I have in the past at times).

Mine's birthday is in the near future too.  No way will I have the urge to wish him a happy birthday.  I can't bring myself to be happy about the day he was born.  Sorry, he's caused me too much pain.  I wish I'd never met him.

I feel your pain. Mine definitely caused me pain but after reading some of the horror stories in these forums I think I got off pretty easy. She definitely had some crazy-making behavior but there was never any physical abuse, and I don't think there was ever any intentional mental abuse. It was mostly just her extreme neediness and fear of abandonment that caused frequent relationship issues, and times where she'd get angry about inconsequential stuff that was more off-putting than hurtful on a personal level. Plus I have a little bit more sympathy knowing that she had a legitimate reason for being the way she was/is.

Mine is a waif... .sort of sweet and helpless seeming... .I really thing that she wants a solution and help but that does not erase the horrible thing that she did to my daughter and I... .I have been through some incredibly difficult challenges and this one would not be the most difficult... .there is always hope though I have learned that there is some point where one must simply limit their expectations or at least, not bank upon them.