Alone tonight - Another indicator that it's me with the problem?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am feeling more and more like it's me with the problem, not my exBPDh. 

I enjoyed Christmas day with family and that wasn't possible with him because he caused trouble every year.  However, tonight I have been sitting here on my own and feeling lonely.  It seems so unfair that he caused all the trouble and went off with the replacement and gets to do all the family stuff I wanted to do but he wouldn't when he was with me.  I tried for years to get him to spend time with his grown up kids and invited them to spend time with us but they always refused.  Now, it appears that they are one big happy family with the replacement and her grown up kids.

I keep telling myself that it won't last.  The first couple of years I was with him would have appeared to the outside world to have been perfect.  Lots of people were fooled until we split up and said that it looked like we had a great life together.  Reality was somewhat different!

I just feel sad and a bit jealous, that he has not had to spend any time alone or feeling like I do.  He just went off and immediately created a new family without missing a beat.  Almost 2 years later, I'm still trying to make sense of it all and still on my own.  It's really not fair!  I'm back to thinking there must be something wrong with me or I would be loved up with somebody else and he would be miserable and alone.

I guess I just feel a bit sorry for myself tonight.  Usually I'm ok but today has been a long lonely day.

[Popcorn71]

I am feeling more and more like it's me with the problem, not my exBPDh. 

I enjoyed Christmas day with family and that wasn't possible with him because he caused trouble every year.  However, tonight I have been sitting here on my own and feeling lonely.  It seems so unfair that he caused all the trouble and went off with the replacement and gets to do all the family stuff I wanted to do but he wouldn't when he was with me.  I tried for years to get him to spend time with his grown up kids and invited them to spend time with us but they always refused.  Now, it appears that they are one big happy family with the replacement and her grown up kids.

I keep telling myself that it won't last.  The first couple of years I was with him would have appeared to the outside world to have been perfect.  Lots of people were fooled until we split up and said that it looked like we had a great life together.  Reality was somewhat different!

I just feel sad and a bit jealous, that he has not had to spend any time alone or feeling like I do.  He just went off and immediately created a new family without missing a beat.  Almost 2 years later, I'm still trying to make sense of it all and still on my own.  It's really not fair!  I'm back to thinking there must be something wrong with me or I would be loved up with somebody else and he would be miserable and alone.

I guess I just feel a bit sorry for myself tonight.  Usually I'm ok but today has been a long lonely day.

[Seriously?]

I understand your feelings.  I am kind of feeling like that myself. So tired of it, but sometimes it gets really bad. I don't want to call any friends  or family because they're still in the middle of a beautiful Christmas weekend,  and I won't spoil it for anyone

[Popcorn71]

It's awful isn't it, to feel that there is nobody to call.  I have friends and family but nobody 'available'. 

If I really wanted to, I could spend time with several men who are interested in me, but I don't want them so I am really choosing to be alone.  Why can't I be so easily pleased as my xBPDh.  They make life look so easy.

I'm sorry you feel the same, it's not good at all.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[Caredverymuch]

I am feeling more and more like it's me with the problem, not my exBPDh. 

I enjoyed Christmas day with family and that wasn't possible with him because he caused trouble every year.  However, tonight I have been sitting here on my own and feeling lonely.  It seems so unfair that he caused all the trouble and went off with the replacement and gets to do all the family stuff I wanted to do but he wouldn't when he was with me.  I tried for years to get him to spend time with his grown up kids and invited them to spend time with us but they always refused.  Now, it appears that they are one big happy family with the replacement and her grown up kids.

I keep telling myself that it won't last.  The first couple of years I was with him would have appeared to the outside world to have been perfect.  Lots of people were fooled until we split up and said that it looked like we had a great life together.  Reality was somewhat different!

I just feel sad and a bit jealous, that he has not had to spend any time alone or feeling like I do.  He just went off and immediately created a new family without missing a beat.  Almost 2 years later, I'm still trying to make sense of it all and still on my own.  It's really not fair!  I'm back to thinking there must be something wrong with me or I would be loved up with somebody else and he would be miserable and alone.

I guess I just feel a bit sorry for myself tonight.  Usually I'm ok but today has been a long lonely day.

Popcorn, this is a very hard time of year. Traditions bring back memories. We tend to only recall the good ones, as its that time of the year that highlights all that is good.  I am sorry you are feeling lonely.  I have felt this way and I know that this too will pass.

Please try to recall all you know of this disorder when you think real "happiness" can be found seemingly overnight.  It cannot.  Many of us on this board were left. And replaced immediately. And our heart and mind were tricked heavily each time we were triggered by false belief of the facade our ex's live, cycle, and repeat. You lived with this man.  Was he a truly a "happy" person?  Do you recall the roller coaster ride?  The push/pulls, splitting, the love/hate?  The one sided need? The lack of empathy?  Do you believe a disorder that was present and deeply rooted has been eradicated now by a replacement? 

You said it yourself: the first couple of years I was with him would have appeared to the outside world to have been perfect.  Lots of people were fooled until we split up and said that it looked like we had a great life together.  Reality was somewhat different!

Recall this when you feel the way you do. 

There is a difference between being alone and being unlovable.  Coming off a BPD r/s much is skewed and fueled with immense feelings of rejection. We must be unlovable bc we are alone.  And they are not.   They are disordered Popcorn. That is not happiness or a better tipping of the scale. Very, very difficult to depersonalize this experience.  But once you replace those hard emotions with realization that this is a disorder. Nothing about this experience is reflection of our worth.

When we really understand our role in this r/s, we can then begin to really, really heal.  Our codependancy is better understood and in time, replaced with very real self love. Something many of us may have never known.  The kind of love that lets you feel lonely when you are lonely, but still knowing of your immense value.

You begin to open up your spirit and realize that happiness is not anything that is gained in dependency on another person. It is shared with an emotionally available person.  Slowly.  Safely. Consistently. And if you so choose, you can find that. With so much more knowledge and self love.

The BPD r/s was the outlier to what is truly our reality. it does not define us.  It defines them.

[Targeted]

Popcorn, I have the utmost respect for a woman that can chose to be alone after the relationship that I had, that's a woman worth keeping so she's never alone!

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

For the BPD being alone means abandonment - their primal fear.  They cannot be alone and will go to great lengths to ensure they are not alone.  They will bond with anyone to avoid being alone.  Don't believe for one minute their bed will go cold.  The prospect of being alone reveals their inner weakness and the fact they so quickly vacuum someone else in to replace you must be deeply embarrassing to them.  Thus they begin their propaganda whose main aim is to deflect away this shame and hide this weakness in their core.  They will denigrate you and what you stand for.  They will glorify their new supply and the new life they so quickly created. Normal beings will need to recover and rebuild themselves after a break up.  Normal people will spend months as a single coming to terms with their grief.  The BPD is empty inside.  Emptiness such as this cannot tolerate aloneness.  I hope this helps. It helped me to write it.

[Infern0]

Normal people realize that they have been involved in something that was really ___ed up after a BPD relationship.

It takes time to work it all out and decide where to go from here.

PwBPD just latch on, much like a barnacle,  or limpet, to whatever happens to be nearby when abandonment fears kick in. They then construct a fake bull___ reality to live in for a while until abandonment fears kick back in and the whole cycle begins again.

Be greatful you aren't a barnacle

[enlighten me]

I know just how your feeling. Luckily I have my sons this christmas. I live on my own and most of my friends have moved away. The rest have familys so I dont want to bother them. I have my sons every other weekend so not much time for a social life.

Dont feel sorry for me though as I am enjoying my own space.

One thing I have considered though is joining a scuba diving club. Its something I enjoy but havent done since when I got together with my ex gf. I started diving when I split from my ex wife. One thing I liked about it is that it gives you the social interaction but when diving you dont have to make small talk. Plus people are so into it that they dont talk about anything else so your mind is taken away from exs.

I would rather be alone than with either of my exs.

[Xidion]

Normal people realize that they have been involved in something that was really ___ed up after a BPD relationship.

It takes time to work it all out and decide where to go from here.

PwBPD just latch on, much like a barnacle,  or limpet, to whatever happens to be nearby when abandonment fears kick in. They then construct a fake bull___ reality to live in for a while until abandonment fears kick back in and the whole cycle begins again.

Be greatful you aren't a barnacle

It really pisses me off that my xBPD called her new bf an "upgrade". When she said that to me, i said "If you call an upgrade the first person to show you a little attention, then okay, w h o r e".

[Infern0]

Normal people realize that they have been involved in something that was really ___ed up after a BPD relationship.

It takes time to work it all out and decide where to go from here.

PwBPD just latch on, much like a barnacle,  or limpet, to whatever happens to be nearby when abandonment fears kick in. They then construct a fake bull___ reality to live in for a while until abandonment fears kick back in and the whole cycle begins again.

Be greatful you aren't a barnacle

It really pisses me off that my xBPD called her new bf an "upgrade". When she said that to me, i said "If you call an upgrade the first person to show you a little attention, then okay, w h o r e".

Mine left me for a guy who looks like bilbo baggins,  mate.

No word of a lie,  and this guy ducked me for about four months because he's a coward. He works for his parents driving a white van, he's got no future whatsoever, former drug addict (relapsed since getting with her actually)

I took real good care of her,  offered her a bright future together,  offered her my family and friends who are good people.

In the end though,  bilbo baggins is easier to control than I am.  In spite of being codependent I have enough about me to not be a complete pushover.  I did call her out on her bull___,  I did push her to make smarter decisions,  I did recognize she had deep seated issues and encouraged her to get help.

That was my downfall, she left me for a guy with an amoeba for a brain,  him being weaker made him more appealing.

The fact that I manned up during the first recycle and walked away from her ___ proves her "right". She's safer with him, he'll let her live a loser life and let her destroy herself and him,  no questions asked.

That's what a BPD waif wants.

[Popcorn71]

Was he a truly a "happy" person?  Do you recall the roller coaster ride?  The push/pulls, splitting, the love/hate?  The one sided need? The lack of empathy?  Do you believe a disorder that was present and deeply rooted has been eradicated now by a replacement? 

No I don't think he was ever really happy.  He had moments but I think to him, showing other people he was doing well was more important than being happy.  he always liked to brag about what he had, etc.  He could never just relax at home alone.  Yes, it was a roller coaster ride, and very stressful to be with him.  I guess he is still the same but hiding it at the moment.

Thanks for helping me to think more clearly.

[Popcorn71]

For the BPD being alone means abandonment - their primal fear.  They cannot be alone and will go to great lengths to ensure they are not alone.  They will bond with anyone to avoid being alone.  Don't believe for one minute their bed will go cold.  The prospect of being alone reveals their inner weakness and the fact they so quickly vacuum someone else in to replace you must be deeply embarrassing to them.  Thus they begin their propaganda whose main aim is to deflect away this shame and hide this weakness in their core.  They will denigrate you and what you stand for.  They will glorify their new supply and the new life they so quickly created. Normal beings will need to recover and rebuild themselves after a break up.  Normal people will spend months as a single coming to terms with their grief.  The BPD is empty inside.  Emptiness such as this cannot tolerate aloneness.  I hope this helps. It helped me to write it.

Thank you.  I know this but needed reminding of it.  I also know that so many of our mutual friends must see this too but it hurts that they have accepted the replacement so easily and helped my ex to continue with the fake life he has created.

[Popcorn71]

Be greatful you aren't a barnacle

  I am certainly no barnacle!

[Popcorn71]

That was my downfall, she left me for a guy with an amoeba for a brain,  him being weaker made him more appealing.

She's safer with him, he'll let her live a loser life and let her destroy herself and him,  no questions asked.

That's what a BPD waif wants.

My xBPDh left for an illiterate, low class woman with no hope of ever having a home or income of her own.  She will be completely dependent on him.  He will be able to call all the shots and do what he likes.  The only limits will be that he will not be able to abuse her or leave her.  That would be totally unnacceptable in her culture and she has adult sons living there that would no doubt step in to help her.

That's a slight consolation, if she isn't what he wants, I think he will now be stuck with her until she gets fed up of him, which isn't likely as she appears to enjoy spending his money too much!

[Infern0]

That was my downfall, she left me for a guy with an amoeba for a brain,  him being weaker made him more appealing.

She's safer with him, he'll let her live a loser life and let her destroy herself and him,  no questions asked.

That's what a BPD waif wants.

My xBPDh left for an illiterate, low class woman with no hope of ever having a home or income of her own.  She will be completely dependent on him.  He will be able to call all the shots and do what he likes.  The only limits will be that he will not be able to abuse her or leave her.  That would be totally unnacceptable in her culture and she has adult sons living there that would no doubt step in to help her.

That's a slight consolation, if she isn't what he wants, I think he will now be stuck with her until she gets fed up of him, which isn't likely as she appears to enjoy spending his money too much!

Tis a disorder based on fear of abandonment.  Although pwBPD can initially be attracted to strong people they can't keep the abandonment fears at bay. They want their partners to be dependent on them,  they want them weak because it placates their fears.

On the flip side they lose attraction the weaker their partner gets and begin to resent them, so then they cheat and triangulate. 

It's why mine pressed me back into service,  after I'd been away from her and got stronger again suddenly she wanted me for sex etc. But she wouldn't get rid of bilbo baggins even though she talks mad trash about him and honestly it doesn't seem like she can stand him. But he's not going anywhere so he placates that abandonment fear.

It's a sad thing but the nature of the disorder is really self defeating and tragic.  As nons we need to understand just how deep it all goes and that pwBPD handcuff themselves from true happiness.  They just can't have it.