So confused... is this normal?

[Ceruleanblue]

My husband who I believe with diagnosed with BPD(previous diagnosis was Intermittent Explosive Disorder), asked for a divorce on Nov. 11th, and moved out. I've been a mess since then, but have recently been feeling slightly better. I get panic attacks, and was having situational depression. I had panic attacks in the relationship, due to the chaos, constant threats, and abuse.

I filed, but I really didn't want the divorce, and he knows this. He asked for the divorce, and he moved out, I just filed, because I'd spent three years begging him to stay, and that last time, I could tell he was serious. Plus, he had just started seeing a psychiatrist, got diagnosed, and was put on meds that actually seemed to make him more depressed, his thinking became even more skewed, and he overall just got worse. Worst possible time to make huge decisions, I'd say, but I couldn't talk him out of it, or into marriage therapy(which he'd promised to attend with me).


He basically stop contacting me for a month, but we started talking, and had a couple decent conversations. He's now saying he "isn't sure he is doing the right thing", "why did I file if I still wanted to be married"(he was adamant about the divorce, and I got sick of daily divorce threats), "he still loves me and misses me".

We were both going to be alone on Christmas, so my Mom suggested I invite him for dinner(which is odd because my parents were relieved when he left me due to his volatility), and he agreed to come. I was shocked. He obviously still wants me, but before dinner, he confessed he'd looked up the girl he dated before me and had sex with her twice, and she's since changed her number and wants nothing to do with him(she did this disappearing thing to him before, guess he learns slow). I was so hurt, even though we are separated. I gave him the "break" he was always wanting a few months back, and HE begged to come back, and promised we'd do marriage therapy. When he came for dinner, because he'd been saying all these things to make me think he's maybe having second thoughts, I told him I think a specialized marriage therapist, could make a huge difference in our marriage.

Am I wrong to think this? I know he has a mental disorder of some kind, but I feel maybe I could take up the slack? Learn to react, or not react in different ways?  Of course I feel I did try that while with him, but we didn't get professional help. I'm in therapy, and my therapist had once session with us together, and basically said my husband was checked out, and he'd rather just see me. I also tried some of the tools I've read on here, but I either didn't do them effectively, or something.

I was doing much better before I saw him. I did fine after he left last night, but today, I've felt panicky all day. He texted, to see if I got my car started(battery died, and he couldn't get it jumped), but he's being evasive about wanting to spend more time with me. It all feels like a game. He hates that I'm dating, and he doesn't know that I have not so much as kissed this guy. How does he have the right to be upset, when he slept with someone else? I'll probably break off with the guy I'm dating, and just let myself heal, and I did tell the guy all I could give now was friendship. He knows what I've been through.

If my BPDH toying with me, and if so why? Is he likely to give me the six months therapy? I'm betting not... .but I know if it ended THEN, I'd have a lot less regrets. We saw each other last night on Christmas. He spent most of the day with me, now tonight he is picking me up to go do something. He keeps saying he "doesn't want to hurt me"... .but I hurt either way. Is this common BPD type behavior?

[Clearmind]

I think in any relationship,it's important to give yourself time and space to decide what you want in life and love rather than another person deciding your fate for you.

Where do you see yourself in a years time? What would need to happen for you to consider/reconsider your marriage with him? And what boundaries can set for yourself going forward?

Be mindful that words must equal actions. Decide what is just lip service and what is fact.

[Ceruleanblue]

I would like a stable marriage in a year, and to be happy in my own right(which outside this marriage, I pretty much am). I always judge on actions, not just words. Which is why he and I have had huge issues. He will say one thing, but doesn't do it, or make changes. Maybe he can't due to his disorder, or whatever else is going on, or maybe he simply doesn't want to.

I'm hurt, but I'm going to survive this, even if it doesn't feel like it. I just know myself very well, and I know I'll always have huge regrets that we didn't get professional help. We did see HIS therapist together for a while, and she was very sympathetic to me, and tried to get BPDh to at least consider how I feel, but it was a lost cause. I really think he needs a different therapist, period. I like his psychiatrist a lot, but I think he needs a different therapist. He's gotten worse in the three years he's gone to her. I think he's always been this way though.

For me to work this out, he needs to agree to marriage therapy. I'll work ten times harder than him, but he can't give zero effort, which has been his past pattern. I'm working on boundaries. It's just hard because as of now, he has the upper hand.

[patientandclear]

How does he have the upper hand?  If your condition for engaging with him is that he do marriage counseling with you, you have the upper hand.  He only has the upper hand if you want him unconditionally.