Close to breaking NC - please stop me

[CloseToFreedom]

What an insightful post, Inside. Please don't feel bothered by writing such long posts - they're therapeutic for me as well. It all helps. Believe me, my mind knows how it works, I know that she is the way she is and why she does the things she does, and I know why I enabled her. I was the perfect person for her to use - from the outside cool and social, but from the inside torn from my previous relationship, with an alcohol and drug habit to sport. She could resque me. I was constantly pulling and pushing, telling her I was not ready for her - or anyone - because I was still struggling with my feelings. The more unavailable I became, the more she wanted to 'get' me. It was like she was hunting for me, she wouldn't let up, until I finally let her in my heart, and it was too late by then. I started to really love her, and after the honeymoon phase she started to hate the things she used to love about me. By then I was so in love, that I kept doing everything in my power to keep us together. For four years. Until I couldn't bring the energy anymore, and we broke up over something stupid. Again and again.

But we always got back together eventually. Well, now its been a month I don't think think its going to happen again. Which is of course a good thing - only it feels so bad. I often though - when I was in the relationship, but especially when I was out of it - that we were meant for each other. Stupid magical thinking. But you start to think that if you get together again and again, and it feels so good. You start to think she is the One.

I dreamed about her last night again. We were on a holiday. These dreams hurt so bad.

I keep trying to get into her head, although that is impossible. I keep wondering if she's thinking about me too, if she's regretting these descisions and the choices we've made. She could have had it so good here, in this house, which would've cost her little money, with a guy who truly loved her. She could've been married in a few years, and could've gotten kids. She was so close. Of course, she's still young so she has all the time in the world.

I mean, I know she won't show the outside world how she feels, but I do wonder if she's feeling the pain inside of her. I've seen some recent pictures of her, with her trying to look all sweet an happy, but she has big black smears under her eyes and her eyes just look... .I dunno, dead to me. She's started to make a lot more selfies these days. Probably to get some supply, I dunno.

I do wonder Inside, if we're really healing by sitting at home, ruminating over our thoughts, while they are out there having fun. I mean, it feels so... .wrong to just sit here and let life pass by. I don't want it, but its the only thing I am able to do right now. I'm still just too weak to really get out there and live life, never mind the problem of being able to bump into her.

And I guess it hurt so bad because of through all the abuse - for me it was abuse anyway - they said such sweet things as well. Like that they loved us, that they cared for us, that they were proud of us, that they wanted to marry and have kids with us. If there was a new 'project' (when we bought the house, an upcoming holiday, something we had to buy) she would be a great person, happy, excited, kind to me. But when we were in the routine of things - the periods I loved just because you're able to just rest and live life normally - it seemed like she felt highly irritated, like she didn't want to be there at all.

I am slowly letting go of the fantasy that she is feeling the same thing as me though. Last night, it felt like I had let go. I thought to myself: she isn't staring at her telephone screen just like you, waiting for a message from you. She's living her sorry ass life and she's never coming back. Today, on a fresh new day, those fantasies do creep up on me again. Sometimes she is online on Whatsapp for an hour straight, just like me, and I can't help but wonder: is she doing and thinking and feeling the same? I need to stop this behaviour, because it isn't constructive in any way.


@Ayreana: very recognisable, and I saw your private message, to which i've responded. Thanks!

[CloseToFreedom]

By the way, so close to breaking NC again... .although I would not know what to say. There is nothing to say. I just want to know if she's feeling the same way, I guess.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

By the way, so close to breaking NC again... .although I would not know what to say. There is nothing to say. I just want to know if she's feeling the same way, I guess.

If you are painted black then she will be busy with her life and you will be like yesterday's newspaper.  You will know when she is thinking about you when she makes contact with you.  Let it go my friend.  I fell for the bait one time post NC and it was like - hey why did I allow myself to fall for that bait and dump trick?  Four to five months now NC and I can feel my self esteem and mental stability returning.  Look after you.

[CloseToFreedom]

By the way, so close to breaking NC again... .although I would not know what to say. There is nothing to say. I just want to know if she's feeling the same way, I guess.

If you are painted black then she will be busy with her life and you will be like yesterday's newspaper.  You will know when she is thinking about you when she makes contact with you.  Let it go my friend.  I fell for the bait one time post NC and it was like - hey why did I allow myself to fall for that bait and dump trick?  Four to five months now NC and I can feel my self esteem and mental stability returning.  Look after you.

I know this. Each time we broke up and I was painted black, it was like I offended her by making contact. Its like they just cant handle it, so they act like you are their worst enemy.

Thing is, its been a month now and by now i usually am painted white again. But you are right, when that happens, they contact you, not the other way around. They only think about themselves.

If I contact her now, I give away all my progress, and make her feel better and more secure in the progress. I can't do it. Nope.