A One Year Update...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

One year ago, my mother nearly destroyed me with her verbal abuse.  She has never apologized and the few times I have tried to reason with her, tried to show her how she is hurting me, she has only added to the long list of her many hostile opinions of my character. (All while professing on fb what a wonderful daughter I am!)  Over the last 365 days, I have changed.  I have  learned to respond differently.  I have little communication with her, maintaining only a very limited relationship on fb.  My answers are now void of all opinion, all ammunition, all resolutions and most of all, all conflict.  I am finally at peace.  For the first time in about 20 years, I did not have my mom and her husband at my home for Christmas.  For the first time in 20 years, I did not have a tightening of my chest, shortness of breath, a sense of perfectionism and chronic failure.  I did not cry through the holiday or wonder which landmine I might trigger with each conversation. Instead, I shared the most amazing holiday with my 3 adult sons.  There was peace.  Lately I am working on seeing the world through my own eyes and I am finding it is quiet beautiful.  Where negativity has been replaced with love, there is joy.  I have never asked for anything for myself.  I have been prone to being a social worker for every suffering person out there. Now that I am allowing those kindnesses and supports to be returned to me,  I think this is the first time I have ever noticed how many truely loving people there are in the world.  (I am 51!).  My mother had convinced me that I was worthless, unlovable and selfish.  She has accused me of being controlling, having a mental illness, being less intelligent than her and functioning in a lower social class than her.  She has spewed these types of toxins for years.  Her Christmas message was that she was home with her husband with no food, no power and in there pajama's enjoying the day.  When I commented that I hope they got their power back soon she replied it had been an inside joke (see my comment about her allusions to my control above).  I started yesterday, my one year anniversary since our argument, with that as her message to me.  Normally we would have been spending this day together, shopping.  I found myself feeling negative and sad, missing what might have existed between Mother and Daughter.  I told my husband about the comment.  He tried to reframe it and realized he couldn't.  Instead we both embraced it.  We didn't justify it, or argue against it.  Knowing how shot my self esteem has been for the past year, my husband did grab me and then he told me how amazing I am to him and what a lucky man he is.  (We have been married 32 years).   He thanked me for the lovely Christmas memories that had been made, the work and effort that I had put in.  In that moment, I leaned in.  I embraced his view of me.  Where one sees control, another sees leadership and strength.  I will no longer give this woman power.  Instead of mourning the anniversary, I spent a lovely day shopping and thinking of my husband and 3 sons, celebrating the many friendships that I am blessed with.  In one short year, I've come a long way.  I am finally at peace.  For those of you going through a difficult time this holiday season, I just want to say there is hope.  Change begins with you.  Merry Christmas to the survivors!

[Legacymaker]

One year ago, my mother nearly destroyed me with her verbal abuse.  She has never apologized and the few times I have tried to reason with her, tried to show her how she is hurting me, she has only added to the long list of her many hostile opinions of my character. (All while professing on fb what a wonderful daughter I am!)  Over the last 365 days, I have changed.  I have  learned to respond differently.  I have little communication with her, maintaining only a very limited relationship on fb.  My answers are now void of all opinion, all ammunition, all resolutions and most of all, all conflict.  I am finally at peace.  For the first time in about 20 years, I did not have my mom and her husband at my home for Christmas.  For the first time in 20 years, I did not have a tightening of my chest, shortness of breath, a sense of perfectionism and chronic failure.  I did not cry through the holiday or wonder which landmine I might trigger with each conversation. Instead, I shared the most amazing holiday with my 3 adult sons.  There was peace.  Lately I am working on seeing the world through my own eyes and I am finding it is quiet beautiful.  Where negativity has been replaced with love, there is joy.  I have never asked for anything for myself.  I have been prone to being a social worker for every suffering person out there. Now that I am allowing those kindnesses and supports to be returned to me,  I think this is the first time I have ever noticed how many truely loving people there are in the world.  (I am 51!).  My mother had convinced me that I was worthless, unlovable and selfish.  She has accused me of being controlling, having a mental illness, being less intelligent than her and functioning in a lower social class than her.  She has spewed these types of toxins for years.  Her Christmas message was that she was home with her husband with no food, no power and in there pajama's enjoying the day.  When I commented that I hope they got their power back soon she replied it had been an inside joke (see my comment about her allusions to my control above).  I started yesterday, my one year anniversary since our argument, with that as her message to me.  Normally we would have been spending this day together, shopping.  I found myself feeling negative and sad, missing what might have existed between Mother and Daughter.  I told my husband about the comment.  He tried to reframe it and realized he couldn't.  Instead we both embraced it.  We didn't justify it, or argue against it.  Knowing how shot my self esteem has been for the past year, my husband did grab me and then he told me how amazing I am to him and what a lucky man he is.  (We have been married 32 years).   He thanked me for the lovely Christmas memories that had been made, the work and effort that I had put in.  In that moment, I leaned in.  I embraced his view of me.  Where one sees control, another sees leadership and strength.  I will no longer give this woman power.  Instead of mourning the anniversary, I spent a lovely day shopping and thinking of my husband and 3 sons, celebrating the many friendships that I am blessed with.  In one short year, I've come a long way.  I am finally at peace.  For those of you going through a difficult time this holiday season, I just want to say there is hope.  Change begins with you.  Merry Christmas to the survivors!

[P.F.Change]

Wow, Legacymaker, what a great update! It sounds like you have learned a lot this year about how to take care of yourself. I'm really happy you are finding joy and beauty and love in the world and that you enjoyed a peaceful holiday. It sounds like you have a really supportive husband, and that is so helpful. It is okay to grieve for the kind of relationship that doesn't exist between you and your mother, accepting the reality of the situation, while at the same time still enjoying your life and living it fully. Well done--keep up the good work.