Staying away from the edge of the black star...

[dancin on glass]

     Hallo there. Lovely to see your work, and realize that I am not alone.   

Checking the facts on BPD has made me realize that quite likely the unexplained behaviours of my husband of 24 years (we have been divorced for 13) tie in with those mentioned. He also is bi polar, and I always blamed all on that, but there were behaviours that did not tie in.

       I observe that my eldest daughter seems to behave in similar ways. This is just the background.

     Eight months ago I met and fell head over heels in love with a man of 56 ( I am a young sixty two)  Looking back now it is astounding to see how our courtship evolved in an almost classic way! It is as if someone was looking over my shoulder. (I'm thinking specifically of the article "The male borderline, surviving the crash after the crush.}

      All my warning bells started ringing early on, but I continued in the relationship, it was so real and intense.

     He was attentive, serving, giving, but with on going ED, demanding touch but not giving it much, ignoring my need for closeness, or falling asleep during intimacy. His tempers and negativity drove me crazy, and the mood swings were exhausting. I tried to support, cajole, cheer up, etc, but being around him truly felt like pouring myself into the abyss.

      I thought for quite a while that he had DID, as he came across in many different ways, with different ideas on people and things depending on his state of mind. Even to the point of often appearing and speaking of being gay.

     He is a violent man who has gotten into trouble for that, and I have not wanted to incur his wrath. He has a filthy mouth, and speaks very badly of past girlfriends, all who have dumped him along the way.

     It all came to a head one night when I stayed over on his request. We woke in the early hours and he (instead of cuddling) told me that he had no desire for me, that he was not relationship material, and did not want me to hang around waiting, as he did not want to be in relationship, and so on.

That morning he finally killed my love for him. I took the opportunity to start walking away, (as I knew I should have done, months before, but did not want to abandon him.)

        At this time his lovely son of 23 was visiting. This boy is highly intelligent, but I could see from his behaviours that he was very angry with his father. He had old scores to settle, and I told my friend that quite likely there would be an argument some time during the visit. After a violent episode one evening, (acting out, breaking cell phone and jumping on keys) I decided to talk to the boy about his father's behaviours, and discussing the possibility of DID. I did it very kindly, with a lot of positive comment on the good behaviours, hoping to help the young man understand his father, and his family. (The boyfriend's sister behaves in the same ways, they have bi polar in the family, and addictions.) It is quite strange that there has never been a diagnosis in the family, as all three the siblings struggle, there was an aunt who had a frontal lobotomy, but the word "eccentric" is used to cover up all weird behaviours.

   The son mentioned our conversation to his father, in fact using it as ammo, along with other accusations etc. and the fight I had anticipated erupted, nearly ending their relationship. ( I hope it was catharsis for the boy.)

My friend then axed me from his life, (via sms) accusing me of telling his family that he is mad.

     I was and am very wounded. I remained forgiving and gentle throughout. I have removed my stuff from his house, and we have made a kind of peace. We have had a couple of meals together, and see each other from time to time. (We live 1k from each other.)

   Underneath the friendly mask he is very hostile, (he is also a true blue Scorpio) and I have a sense that he would take revenge if he can.

       I am also very concerned that he has trashed my reputation in the small town where we live, the way he has done with every other person who "abandoned" him.

      Yes, I do struggle with the thought of "helping" him, and have talked to him about BPD.

      This is tricky. Meanwhile I miss the routine and togetherness that we had, but am so glad that I have saved myself. I should have learned through my marriage, and choosing the same kind of broken again would just be stupid.

I do believe that I have a childhood template that predisposes me to choosing this kind of man, as my stepfather was a severely dysfunctional and abusive man.

Here is to my on going resolve to stay away from the edge of the black star, curb my rescueing, and live to see another healthy day.

ps. Meanwhile I will discuss BPD with my eldest daughter who is in a loving relationship with quite a bewildered and tired man.

[Mutt]

 

Hi dancin on glass,

I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry to hear of the difficulties you have gone though. You had a lengthy marriage with a pwBiPD / BPD traits. You found yourself in a r/s with another man with BPD traits that had violent displays. You've been through alot . It's scary when a person displays disproportionate anger.

I'm glad that you have found us. Many members share similar experiences and can offer guidance and support. It helps to read about the disorder. You'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time.

I have to agree. Taking care of you is important. Don't beat yourself up. I think what's important is you had to courage to remove yourself from the r/s and your doing the work? Are you in T?

You are correct, some and not all pwBPD she they feel a great deal of anxiety and stress will have a distortion campaign and devaluate you to others. I can relate. Not fun!

You are in a small town, have you heard anything from family, friends etc. of bad things said about you? Has he tried to contact you?