Just trying to make sense of it all...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

First of all, I'd like to express my gratitude to BPD family.  I have been reading posts on here for a few months and it has really helped me see the light.  The members on here are extremely insightful and supportive.  It's nice to know places like this exist.


I am a few days out of a tumultuous 3 year r/s with a a suspected uBPD.  I am left confused, angry, and anxiety ridden and I have found trying to understand this disorder to be helpful in getting over her.  Unbeknownst to me when I first met her she was two months out of a several week hospital stay where she was diagnosed with schizophrenia.   Although, I have witnessed distorted thinking and magical thinking on her part, I believe she fits the BPD criteria much more closely.   The push/pull behavior, the lying, gaslighting, projection, triangulating, drug and alcohol abuse is all there.  She refuses to take any responsibility for anything.  She thinks she is totally fine refuses therapy and thinks that I am the one with a problem.

For the first two years of our r/s she told me horrible stories about her family.  All of which I believed because I never got to meet them until just recently.  She told me stories, of sexual, physical, and verbal abuse all at the hands of her family.  She despised them, yet she was so afraid of being abandoned by them.  Well, three years later they are the most wonderful people in the world in her mind.  She admitted that the sexual abuse never occurred and I have since met her family and they seem like pretty nice people.  They are totally painted white and because of it everything she now does revolves around them.  She refused to even spend a couple of hrs over Christmas with me and my family because her family is so important to her and Christmas means so much to them.  We lived together yet every night after work she would go to her parents house and not come home until 9 pm.  But, this went on even when she thought all of those horrible things about them.

She also has sister who is married with kids.  She is obsessed with her sister's children.  She thinks they need her because her sister is mean and they need guidance so they turn out to be happy and healthy.  Her sister is actually a really great mom and the kids are happy and well treated.  She also goes to her sisters home for hours upon hours at a time to see the kids.  It didn't matter if we had plans or what was going on with me, I would get dropped in an instant if she had the opportunity to go to her sister's home.  It made it impossible to ever have a life of our own because she was too consumed with those children.  Which bothered me in a sense, but at the same time, I figured that's what she loves to do and at least she's not out cheating on me or out getting blackout drunk so in a sense I also didn't mind.  Her sister even acknowledges that she is obsessed with her kids, so I know my frustration isn't coming from a place of jealousy.

So my point with this post is... .Is that normal behavior?  Do I even know who this person I spent 3 years of my life is?  Was she a victim or a victimizer?  Does she actually  believe the horrible things she says about people when they are painted black?  Will she accuse me of horrible things? 

Since we broke up this time she has shown no emotion over it and has seemed to have moved on rather quickly.  I suspect she found someone else to rely.  We broke up on Tuesday.

[lost_in_translation]

First of all, I'd like to express my gratitude to BPD family.  I have been reading posts on here for a few months and it has really helped me see the light.  The members on here are extremely insightful and supportive.  It's nice to know places like this exist.


I am a few days out of a tumultuous 3 year r/s with a a suspected uBPD.  I am left confused, angry, and anxiety ridden and I have found trying to understand this disorder to be helpful in getting over her.  Unbeknownst to me when I first met her she was two months out of a several week hospital stay where she was diagnosed with schizophrenia.   Although, I have witnessed distorted thinking and magical thinking on her part, I believe she fits the BPD criteria much more closely.   The push/pull behavior, the lying, gaslighting, projection, triangulating, drug and alcohol abuse is all there.  She refuses to take any responsibility for anything.  She thinks she is totally fine refuses therapy and thinks that I am the one with a problem.

For the first two years of our r/s she told me horrible stories about her family.  All of which I believed because I never got to meet them until just recently.  She told me stories, of sexual, physical, and verbal abuse all at the hands of her family.  She despised them, yet she was so afraid of being abandoned by them.  Well, three years later they are the most wonderful people in the world in her mind.  She admitted that the sexual abuse never occurred and I have since met her family and they seem like pretty nice people.  They are totally painted white and because of it everything she now does revolves around them.  She refused to even spend a couple of hrs over Christmas with me and my family because her family is so important to her and Christmas means so much to them.  We lived together yet every night after work she would go to her parents house and not come home until 9 pm.  But, this went on even when she thought all of those horrible things about them.

She also has sister who is married with kids.  She is obsessed with her sister's children.  She thinks they need her because her sister is mean and they need guidance so they turn out to be happy and healthy.  Her sister is actually a really great mom and the kids are happy and well treated.  She also goes to her sisters home for hours upon hours at a time to see the kids.  It didn't matter if we had plans or what was going on with me, I would get dropped in an instant if she had the opportunity to go to her sister's home.  It made it impossible to ever have a life of our own because she was too consumed with those children.  Which bothered me in a sense, but at the same time, I figured that's what she loves to do and at least she's not out cheating on me or out getting blackout drunk so in a sense I also didn't mind.  Her sister even acknowledges that she is obsessed with her kids, so I know my frustration isn't coming from a place of jealousy.

So my point with this post is... .Is that normal behavior?  Do I even know who this person I spent 3 years of my life is?  Was she a victim or a victimizer?  Does she actually  believe the horrible things she says about people when they are painted black?  Will she accuse me of horrible things? 

Since we broke up this time she has shown no emotion over it and has seemed to have moved on rather quickly.  I suspect she found someone else to rely.  We broke up on Tuesday.

[fromheeltoheal]

So my point with this post is... .Is that normal behavior?

Borderlines are constantly trying to find the balance between engulfment and abandonment and deal with emotions that are too strong and overwhelming, so the 'answer' that allows them to feel good in a relationship is to be in complete control, which has the unfortunate effect of meaning your needs don't matter and how dare you have them.

Was she a victim or a victimizer?

Probably first a victim and then a victimizer, a ripple effect.  And whether or not she was a victim is entirely based on her own interpretation of events, as it is for all of us, although she may legitimately have been abused.

Does she actually  believe the horrible things she says about people when they are painted black?  Will she accuse me of horrible things?

 

Borderlines see things in black and white, the nuances of grey are unavailable to them, so it's a love or hate thing.  The process is usually she will feel great shame over the demise of your relationship and she will deal with it by blaming you for everything and making you the bad guy, a standard defense mechanism we all use, it's just to the extreme with a personality disorder.

It's brand new for you, so the best thing you can do is take very good care of yourself, keep reading and posting, process all that needs to be processed, and try and focus on the future, where you're going instead of where you've been, and it will get better, it takes what it takes, but it will get better.  Take care of you!

[lost_in_translation]

Thank you, fromheeltoheal... .

I realize that moving on is the best thing for me.  That glimmer of hope that I can somehow get through to her and make things better has all but faded.  I need to practice acceptance.  Acceptance that I am not to blame, acceptance that I can't fix her, and acceptance that the kind, loving, fun woman I've seen from time to time isn't someone she is capable of being on a full-time basis.

It just isn't fair that these people are the ones who move on so quickly while we are left to ponder, in a state of confusion, what went wrong.  I believe, for me, what went wrong was when I started to try to get her to confront her issues because I could see the emotional turmoil she lived with on a day to day basis.  It all went downhill from there.  She wants to coddled and told that nothing is wrong with her and that it is all everyone else's fault, but I just couldn't do that any longer.

[Brazil]

acceptance that the kind, loving, fun woman I've seen from time to time isn't someone she is capable of being on a full-time basis.

Lost in translation

I want tell you, that the quote thta you just wrote, about them not being able to be normal full-time is very interesting and resonates with myself.

Best

B.

[lost_in_translation]

I think those glimpses of normalcy are what makes it so difficult for us to detach, Brazil.  I don't know about you but, I always thought if only I could get her to be that good person all the time.  But, that is not possible.

[Indyan]

Although, I have witnessed distorted thinking and magical thinking on her part, I believe she fits the BPD criteria much more closely.   The push/pull behavior, the lying, gaslighting, projection, triangulating, drug and alcohol abuse is all there.  She refuses to take any responsibility for anything.  She thinks she is totally fine refuses therapy and thinks that I am the one with a problem.

A therapist also suggested uBPDx had SZ. In fact today I believe he is Bipolar and BPD.

But SZ and BPD can also coexist.

The reason they think of SZ or Bipolar is the delirious side and the physical symptoms. My BPDx is persecuted and paranoid, and mainly has the following physical symptom:  extremely agitated at times, shaking, very tense and anxious, being agressive for months on, talking very very fast, sometimes confusing words, losing emotions totally for a while etc.

The push.pull etc seems to be common to SZ, Bipolar and BPD disorders (I've read all 3 stories on the internet). SZ has the well known "ambivalence", which is a mix of contradictory feelings, when Bipolar and BPD keep changing their minds I'd say. My BPDx wrote me mails a few months ago that were horribly confusing, one line saying "I'll take car of you all" and the next "stay in your sht you don't deserve more".

The same thing has happened here regarding family.

He suffered abuse from his mother as a kid (confirmed by his sisters, so it is the truth), who was btw diagnosed as bipolar. He told me his younger sister was horrible and that only his dad and his big sister were ok, although he didn't send them much news.

Today, he's lived with them for the last 6 months, when he hasn't he's with them all the time. They came to bother and criticize me at my house, read all our correspondance, encouraged him (his younger sister) to see a lawyer when we were still together and to separate.

And last but not least they deny any mental illness, although they admit of him "having problems".

I hate those people... .

[cehlers55]

Good Job. I think you did right by leaving her. I just left my wife of 2.5 years and it is tough. But living with insanity is like dying a death of 1000 cuts. And I'm done. I'm glad you are too.

[going places]

After his mask fell off I spent 2 years trying to "make it make sense".

I begged him to help me "make sense" of it.

My mind was CONSUMED day and night, in my sleep... .etc with trying to make it make sense.

S-L-O-W-L-Y I came to realize (after seeking counseling from an abuse advocate / reading every book I could get my hands on, including college level Abnormal Psychology and Medical books)... .

It's Not Me.

It will NEVER make sense.

Because it was non-sense.

Lundy Bancroft: "Why does he do that" was a great starting point.

The counsel of an abuse advocate (I always thought abuse was black eyes and broken bones)

And now, books on forgiveness... .

ONCE I told him to leave the home, and never set foot on this property or I would defend myself and kids; then blocked him from everything except email (selling the house, had to communicate) THEN THEN THEN THEN

The FOG began to lift.

I could breathe.

I STOPPED focusing on him, and his issues, and how to "help him"... .

I STARTED focusing on me, healing me, making ME and my health #1 priority.

My adult kids told me "you cannot take care of anyone if you cannot care for yourself".

Truer words were never spoken.

FOR ME... .none of this will make sense to a person with a heart, soul, and conscience.

Therefore, this will NEVER make sense to me.

SO

It is the hand I have been dealt.

My choice was to fold, and walk away from the table... .never to return.

I don't have to have all the answers.

I have enough to know; it was bad, it was abuse, it was not my fault, and I have no control over it.

The nightmares stopped.

The anxiety was cut from 100% to 10%.

I smile.

I look forward to life.

I am so grateful to my Lord, for this Peace.

[jhkbuzz]

I think those glimpses of normalcy are what makes it so difficult for us to detach, Brazil.  I don't know about you but, I always thought if only I could get her to be that good person all the time.  But, that is not possible.

AMEN. It's one of the things that keeps our malignant hope alive, I think... .

[going places]

I think those glimpses of normalcy are what makes it so difficult for us to detach, Brazil.  I don't know about you but, I always thought if only I could get her to be that good person all the time.  But, that is not possible.

AMEN. It's one of the things that keeps our malignant hope alive, I think... .

That's because we are good people.

We have hope, aspirations, dreams, and real love.

Paired with someone who has no concept of the above mentioned, drains us dry.

[jhkbuzz]

I think those glimpses of normalcy are what makes it so difficult for us to detach, Brazil.  I don't know about you but, I always thought if only I could get her to be that good person all the time.  But, that is not possible.

AMEN. It's one of the things that keeps our malignant hope alive, I think... .

That's because we are good people.

We have hope, aspirations, dreams, and real love.

Paired with someone who has no concept of the above mentioned, drains us dry.

I don't think it's a matter of us being "good" and them being "bad"... .although it sure is tempting to get angry and think that way sometimes.  It's a disorder. My exBPDgf was really "good" when she was good, and pretty horrible when she was "bad" - that's the disorder.

[Indyan]

My mind was CONSUMED day and night, in my sleep... .etc with trying to make it make sense.

It's Not Me.

It will NEVER make sense.

Because it was non-sense.

I STOPPED focusing on him, and his issues, and how to "help him"... .

I STARTED focusing on me, healing me, making ME and my health #1 priority.

My adult kids told me "you cannot take care of anyone if you cannot care for yourself".

Truer words were never spoken.

FOR ME... .none of this will make sense to a person with a heart, soul, and conscience.

Therefore, this will NEVER make sense to me.

Oh God, how right you are.

It was my dad who told me to stop focusing on him, but I find it hard still, especially that we have a baby together, and I'm so worried about the dad my baby's gonna have, and the example of parents r/s we will give to him  :'(

[CloseToFreedom]

My parents tell me daily that I should stop focussing on her. But it is so hard. My mind is consumed by thoughts about her. Its a full blown obsession. Its like I am living my life inside of her, forgetting all about my own life.

[Indyan]

My parents tell me daily that I should stop focussing on her. But it is so hard. My mind is consumed by thoughts about her. Its a full blown obsession. Its like I am living my life inside of her, forgetting all about my own life.

The weird thing is that my D10 told me that she was obsessed with all this too.

The situation was too shocking, too violent, to us. My D10 has grown so much in a short time, poor thing.

[rollercoaster24]

Yea, me too!@!

I've been ruminating really badly today, but figure its a combination of things on my mind that is causing this, so am going easy and not judging myself too harshly.

The first one is that I have only had this Xmas Day off work in 15 months, (all whilst dealing with the major stress of BP both in and then out for the last time in March).

Yes, I could have returned to work tonight to complete part of my workload on New Years Eve, however I still have to get up early tomorrow morning and go in, so I figured why not stay home tonight and just go in really early again, (after a morning shift today, its the closest I get to having a day off).

Then there is also the fact that I woke this morning with an extremely painful neck and shoulder, (not sure if I tweaked it yesterday or not) or if sleeping in a funny position has twisted things out of shape severely! So I am having trouble moving quickly, to the side or up and down in general.

About the only thing I can do that is helping is keep it as still as I can until it heals a little. I am hopeful that tomorrows rapid shift and hard work wont be almost impossible, as completing any work tonight seemed that way.

Tonight sucked to be invited to events with people that I couldn't attend, due to work commitments and also my health right now, it seems like everyone else is young, and having a great time of it permanently.

Whilst I sit here at home, partially unable to move, still overweight, (gained 10kg or more during relationship horrors with exBP from his inflicting sleep deprivation), I guess I don't feel like the happiest most fulfilled person right now.

And topping it off, the sheer torture of being informed (albeit smugly) from BP's previously antiBP Sister In-law that BP is doing great in his new job and new relationship.

Geez, I'm 9 months out, but feel like I haven't been given the chance to move on and away from memories of him, what with him bombarding me with calls for a while there, and his SIL filling me in all the time about him.

I look on a camera that he lent off me and finally returned and it is full of photos he took of his interests and things he was trying to sell on the internet. This was months back that I discovered the photos, and I have shoved the camera in the drawer for the meantime because I just don't want to look at them, too painful.

I kinda thought I was angry enough now that it wouldn't hurt so much, but it still resonates deeply. And this sucks big time.

How does he get to move on seemingly with no trouble at all, after all the crap he inflicted on me, and all the promises and pledges of love?  How can he do that?

Wait, he has no heart. That's the answer, its all fake, for he is a true Sociopath as well.

Why did I forget this? Mental Health told me he has a minor record, and it was noted that they thought he was a Sociopath back then.

Shudder, what am I pining over?