Not my first post

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have posted here before. I read the materials, but frankly find it so hard to be a parent in any way at all based on all these rules that I have to follow in order to have any kind of peace. I basically stay in my bedroom and try to avoid my life.

For example, my 18-year-old girl curses in front of my all the time. For the most part, I will calmly say, "Language." or "Really?" or "Can you please watch your language?" But this AM, I made the horrifying mistake of saying, "With that mouth, I guess you'll be marrying a truck driver." (Making a small joke/reference to "truck driver mouth."

She went off on a tangent about what an idiot I am, how she will one day make more money than me, that my part-time personal assistant job (which I took instead of my PR career to try to be around for my kids while they grew up) is so demeaning and embarrassing, that my mother (her grandma) and I are so negative and horrible in our comments to her. Our "comments" to her are usually to help her. But she takes them personally and cannot take advice at all; all she hears is us saying how horrible she is.

She literally has no friends. When she has a friend, they will do the same thing we do. If they say one "negative" comment about anything she does -- even if she is asking for the advice -- she cuts them out of her life. But then she whines how bored and lonely she is. And then hangs out with me and I inevitably I end up being verbally abused by her for whatever slight she believes came out of my mouth. She accuses me of "looking like a blank wall," which is true because there is literally no good way to respond to her, unless your response to her is, "You are right." Even when she isn't. And I don't think telling her she is right when she isn't is good parenting.

Some docs said she had BPD, some said she had Narcissistic Personality, blah blah blah.

While I appreciate the materials available on this site for myself, I feel like any friend or significant other she has will end up leaving her, because who wants to follow a handbook just to deal with a person? She is my daughter and I love her, but I can't wait until she doesn't live with me anymore.

Just venting.

[CeeCee]

I have posted here before. I read the materials, but frankly find it so hard to be a parent in any way at all based on all these rules that I have to follow in order to have any kind of peace. I basically stay in my bedroom and try to avoid my life.

For example, my 18-year-old girl curses in front of my all the time. For the most part, I will calmly say, "Language." or "Really?" or "Can you please watch your language?" But this AM, I made the horrifying mistake of saying, "With that mouth, I guess you'll be marrying a truck driver." (Making a small joke/reference to "truck driver mouth."

She went off on a tangent about what an idiot I am, how she will one day make more money than me, that my part-time personal assistant job (which I took instead of my PR career to try to be around for my kids while they grew up) is so demeaning and embarrassing, that my mother (her grandma) and I are so negative and horrible in our comments to her. Our "comments" to her are usually to help her. But she takes them personally and cannot take advice at all; all she hears is us saying how horrible she is.

She literally has no friends. When she has a friend, they will do the same thing we do. If they say one "negative" comment about anything she does -- even if she is asking for the advice -- she cuts them out of her life. But then she whines how bored and lonely she is. And then hangs out with me and I inevitably I end up being verbally abused by her for whatever slight she believes came out of my mouth. She accuses me of "looking like a blank wall," which is true because there is literally no good way to respond to her, unless your response to her is, "You are right." Even when she isn't. And I don't think telling her she is right when she isn't is good parenting.

Some docs said she had BPD, some said she had Narcissistic Personality, blah blah blah.

While I appreciate the materials available on this site for myself, I feel like any friend or significant other she has will end up leaving her, because who wants to follow a handbook just to deal with a person? She is my daughter and I love her, but I can't wait until she doesn't live with me anymore.

Just venting.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello CeeCee,

I sympathize with how you are feeling, and I understand your hopeful attitude toward the day your daughter is not living with you any more. We all need a peaceful place to live in order to thrive, and you sound like you need a break... .

Is that something you can look forward to in the near future (your daughter moving out)?

This website has a lot of resources that also include the resources on how to protect ourselves. It can be hard work in the beginning, but it is well worth it in the long-run. You have the right to live peacefully. It is not your obligation to sacrifice your peace and sanity to your adult child. Listening to someone badgering us and demeaning us can be very debilitating in the long-run, you don't have the obligation to listen to your daughter's rants... .

How would you like removing yourself from your daughter's presence any time she is becomes abusive?

While I appreciate the materials available on this site for myself, I feel like any friend or significant other she has will end up leaving her, because who wants to follow a handbook just to deal with a person?

You may well be right, and if your daughter wants to keep friends, she will need to be motivated to admit that she has a problem and to work on that... .

I also understand your exasperation over your daughter not taking any advice even if she asks for it. You are a good mother, trying to help, and it is only backfiring. If I were in your shoes, I would probably stop giving advice and just validate her feelings followed by a question on what she thinks would be the best solution or if she already stated what the solution is, I'd ask what she thought would be the result of that, and I'd let her find out if that worked or not.