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Author Topic: What did your pwBPD NEED from you? What did you need from them?  (Read 1439 times)
Loveofhislife
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« on: December 26, 2014, 03:47:23 PM »

From the beginning, my best girl friend (who demonstrates some BPD traits after suffering a very abusive childhood) tried to explain to me that for a pwBPD love = NEED. When she told me that, I felt like she was trying to say, "... .he's just using you."  And that was unthinkable. "He NEEDS you, and when he doesn't... .well, things will change," she said.

Prophetically, she added, "... .And if you stay with him, he will take you for everything you have $$$."  

Other than my very young children, I never had anyone NEED to be with me; NEED to see me; NEED to hear my voice; NEED to be with me everywhere I went. Weeks into the relationship, when I urged him to spend time with his sons (who he hadn't seen during his three years in prison); he BEGGED me to stay in his apartment (not go ANYWHERE) until he returned.    It's the only way he would go fulfill his commitment to the two boys. I reluctantly obliged.

When I met exbfBPD, I was recently divorced; had crashed and burned in my first post-divorce relationship; and had my youngest child turning 18 and graduating from high school.  I was soon to be an empty nester.  I had taken care of both of my parents who I had lost to Alzheimers.  My older kids understandably didn't want to hang out with their mom, and here was this man who couldn't let me out of his sight.  He filled A NEED: one that I never expressed--one I never articulated--one that not even I had realized.  PwBPD are gifted at perceiving our NEEDS!  What were your needs?

As a pwBPD, he could understand NEED but seemed incapable of understanding love.  He felt like he loved me, because he NEEDED me.  And he desperately wanted me to NEED him.  He spent the next year trying to identify or create NEED in me:  something I did not fully understand.  I have since learned that (just like Maslow's hierarchy) a human cannot move toward self actualization (love) until their NEEDS are met. PwBPD seem to be constantly in survival mode--they perceive their NEEDS are limitless, never ending, and never met.

My first ST was after 10 months of the R/S when I reminded him that he had committed to repay me a great deal of money that I NEEDED.  He answered me by saying, "But, if I pay you back, you won't NEED me."  Angrily, I replied, "NEED YOU? I don't NEED anyone.  I don't need you.  I want you.  I choose you."  He looked puzzled and very angry--I'm sure my tone wasn't optimal, but I thought expressing choice and free will would let him know I loved him: not because I NEEDED him.  I suppose that was not my exbfBPD's love language.

So today, nearly five months after he abandoned me (following another argument about the ever increasing amount of money he owed), I recognize we both had NEEDS.  He met me at a very low point in my self esteem during a lonely time and a vulnerable time, and he set forth to fill my every NEED.  But there was an unspoken quid pro quo.  I needed to fill his every NEED.

For my exbfBPD, that NEED=MONEY.  Didn't know that when I met him, but he has had a lifetime of arrests, incarcerations, imprisonments, divorces, terminations, and bankruptcies because of a bottomless pit of NEED for money and all that it can buy.  So, I now believe MONEY=LOVE for exbfBPD.

Was I used?  I suppose so. Did he knowingly stalk me and find his mark before we met?  Maybe--he was living in a half way house (unbeknownst to me) when I met him.  As long as he believed I was a bottomless ATM, security blanket, rescuer, and white knight; he felt LOVED.  When I began to vocalize my own NEEDS (such as needing to be paid back), things began to unravel pretty quickly.  Toward the end, his need for money was skyrocketing--debts I didn't know about at the time; threats of termination from work (he is a very highly paid software developer)--so when I said no more money, I'll assume he heard, "I don't love you anymore."  And he ran away--I suppose running away from me must have felt like running away from all his other problems.

As I continue to move toward radical acceptance, I MUST recognize that we were filling each other's NEEDS.  However, he NEEDED to make sure my NEEDS he had identified stayed intact; in doing so, he NEEDED to make sure my children stayed out of my house; my friends stayed away; my brother and sister were split black, etc.  He NEEDED me to NEED him--it was his only insurance policy. And when he no longer felt he NEEDED me, he no longer felt he loved me.

It's all so sad, because, "Money Can't Buy You Love."  And today, I believe, that there is not enough money in the world that will make him feel loved. :'(

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Clearmind
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« Reply #1 on: December 26, 2014, 06:18:18 PM »

Very good thoughts.

My ex needed me to feel whole. I needed him for much the same reasons. We both relied in each other to make us happy. When we showed our real selves, about 2 months into the relationships the cracks appeared. We were not prefect beings and we were disappointed in each other. And instead of recognizing our differences and faints we carried on constantly trying to fix one another to make it perfect again.

Perfection does not exist and it sets us up for failure. I had to let him go to realise my own things I needed to work on.
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Loveofhislife
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« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2014, 08:47:54 PM »

Thank you, Clearmind. Similarly--I think we both were trying to fix all of each other's hurts; make up for lost time; and create a happily ever after--both looking to help and "fix" each other so that we lost sight of taking care of ourselves. I think part of this long recovery has been getting back in touch with myself so that I can figure out what needs to be fixed and how. Even when he would incrementally pay me what he owed, he called it "helping" me. Because he ultimately broke me (financially, physically, spiritually, and mentally) he did help me. He helped  me find me--and that's what I NEEDED!
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Turkish
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« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2014, 03:35:02 PM »

Simply stated, I needed to be treated like a decent human being. Of course, when I realized our r/s was very much father-daughter, I was inwardly horrified, but I sought out such a r/s. The part of her which was the mature woman who wanted the same thing that I did, a family, was more fragile than I thought. She needed a boyfriend more than a husband, and after two kids, I couldn't do it anymore. So she split the r/s (to give her the boyfriend she needed), and kept me as the father, because the very young guy isn't capable of being more than an accessory. So she keeps me split white as a father because she needs me for that.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Pingo
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« Reply #4 on: December 27, 2014, 03:40:36 PM »

What did my pwBPD need from me?  He needed me to take care of him, nurture him, never challenge him or disagree with him, fulfill his every need and become his property, a pretty possession. 

What did I need from my pwBPD?  Validation, love and affection.  He faked the validation long enough to 'get me'.  He was always affectionate, even right up to the end.  But I was never allowed to be anything but perfect so I had to be a fake version of me in order to try to please him.
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felix22
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« Reply #5 on: December 27, 2014, 05:01:05 PM »

Powerful and written with ability. Thanks for sharing!
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #6 on: December 27, 2014, 05:20:56 PM »

What I needed, wanted and expected was a partner and a friend, someone to build a life with, someone to create a relationship full of mutual trust and respect with.  She was all about needs, she was need-driven as borderlines are, her needs, and there was nothing left for mine, although she was so focused on herself and what I could do for her, she wasn't aware of my needs or even that I had any, I was supposed to be enamored that she was paying me any attention at all and would gift me with her body once in a while, how gracious of her, that was supposed to be enough.  

There was nothing for me there, I knew it early, and the pain that followed was my own fault and totally avoidable, the real lesson.
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Turkish
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« Reply #7 on: December 27, 2014, 11:46:44 PM »

There was nothing for me there, I knew it early, and the pain that followed was my own fault and totally avoidable, the real lesson.

I started a family with a person who said in the beginning, "I hate marriage." I thought it was my job to prove her wrong, I guess that is what she needed. Foolish me for thinking that that was healthy.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
myself
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« Reply #8 on: December 27, 2014, 11:59:47 PM »

We were both looking for something that was better than what was.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #9 on: December 28, 2014, 12:12:10 AM »

We were both looking for something that was better than what was.

Doesn't get any cleaner and more succinct than that songbook.
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Tibbles
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« Reply #10 on: December 28, 2014, 02:56:28 AM »

He needed some one to make up for the love he felt he missed out of in his childhood. Some one to provide that love 24/7 and the way that love was shown was through complete connection all the time. Complete agreement, time spent together, no outside support or any friends that could take the focus off togetherness. It had to be all about him all the time.

I  ( I am pleased to say) WAS co-dependent so I needed some one I could attach to, to live my life through. Which is why we worked for so long I guess. NOW I need some one who can give me the space to be me, to accept boundaries, to accept we do not have to do, be everything together, some one who I can disagree with, dare I say even argue with, without it being the end of the world. Some one I can love, listen to and support without having to take on their emotional load. I need some one who likes/loves and enjoys being with me. Some one to share a life with, not control a life through fear.
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CareTaker
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« Reply #11 on: December 28, 2014, 03:12:06 AM »

Excerpt
She was all about needs, she was need-driven as borderlines are, her needs, and there was nothing left for mine, although she was so focused on herself and what I could do for her, she wasn't aware of my needs or even that I had any

I got involved with my ex, (who is 18 years younger than me) for a very good reason. My ex wife couldn't have kids, and it eventually destroyed our marriage. To add fuel to fire, I took my aging parents into my house to take care of them. That was the final nail in the coffin of my marriage.

So after my dad passed away, I went to look for a younger woman on a dating site, with intensions of starting a family. Then I was 50. Initially I thought I found the right one. Wow, it was fireworks.

Sadly, it turned out the opposite. And 3 years later I got to the stage where I was blackmailed into starting a family, and then someday in future get married. I couldn't, and walked out.

There was nothing materialistic I wanted from her. Just devoting, honesty and trust. She couldn't give that. A emotional manipulator will never be able to give that.

I was just a constant supply to her materialistic needs. I funded the lifestyle she couldn't afford, because she only got her first job at age 33. Until then, she had been travelling the world living of others like a parasite.
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ScotisGone74
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« Reply #12 on: December 28, 2014, 05:40:16 AM »

Apparently my exBPD needed  me as a full time sex toy and also as her mentor and bodyguard at work       ive come to realize that I needed her as someone to try to pacify/make happy and stroke my ego- which got shattered in the end, oh boy did it get shattered.   
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Deeno02
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« Reply #13 on: December 28, 2014, 08:03:31 AM »

Funny how hindsight is 20/20. I needed a partner to share life together, to be part of each other's lives, good, bad, boring. To except each other and each other's family dynamics. For awhile we had it. I would take her kids to their games/practices and she would on occasion big my daughter up from college(about an hour away) and joint family dinners. Then something happened, haven't been able to put a finger on it, but poof, I'm the bad guy. It was just weird how I had minimal contact with her friends, never did couples things, started to buy me clothes that were not my style, cutting me out of kids schedules, etc. it hurt. I'm not innocent at all. All relationships include stuff that annoys each other and I claim what I own. What I didn't expect is the woman I love become jealous of my daughter(who moved back home to attend a closer college) and call her vile things like her being a cock block and accusing her of being my wife. It was a vile side I had never seen before. Sure she had been verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive to me, but never towards either of my kids. Until then. And coming from a mother of 1 young daughter, I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate it if it was reversed. She has 5 kids and I never complained once about her kids crawling all over us when we tried to be alone, infact, I treated them like my own. I know it's a good thing she dumped me as I don't think I would have survived it. What she got from me was a door mat. A confidence booster that guys were interested in her. A booster to get back into coaching as a way to make a living after being a stay at home mom, me encouraging her every step of the way to get her certifications, the times I couldn't see her because of weekend long tournaments, private lessons, coaching teams, only to have me pushed further out of her life and then being told numerous times "treat me special or lose me". But I hung on until she grew tired of me. I'm still sad, but so much better off. 
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #14 on: December 28, 2014, 08:10:30 AM »

What did my pwBPD need from me?  He needed me to take care of him, nurture him, never challenge him or disagree with him, fulfill his every need and become his property, a pretty possession. 

What did I need from my pwBPD?  Validation, love and affection.  He faked the validation long enough to 'get me'.  He was always affectionate, even right up to the end.  But I was never allowed to be anything but perfect so I had to be a fake version of me in order to try to please him.

That sounds like NPD, not BPD.  Maybe some comorbidity... .
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Pingo
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« Reply #15 on: December 28, 2014, 10:32:51 AM »

What did my pwBPD need from me?  He needed me to take care of him, nurture him, never challenge him or disagree with him, fulfill his every need and become his property, a pretty possession. 

What did I need from my pwBPD?  Validation, love and affection.  He faked the validation long enough to 'get me'.  He was always affectionate, even right up to the end.  But I was never allowed to be anything but perfect so I had to be a fake version of me in order to try to please him.

That sounds like NPD, not BPD.  Maybe some comorbidity... .

Not sure, I think he actually has paranoid PD... .but he has a brain injury so this is his diagnosis.  Not sure if anyone looked any further than this.
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Ripped Heart
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« Reply #16 on: December 28, 2014, 11:46:26 AM »

At the very beginning of our r/s, my gf laid out what she "needed" from me. Looking back, they were serious red flags but given her limited self awareness and hearing her story, I understood where she was coming from:

1) Needs to see me at least every 4 days otherwise she starts to become unstable

2) When not in physical contact, be available on the phone or at least text back within an hour of her sending a text otherwise she becomes unstable

3) I have to keep the r/s alive because if it starts to take any effort, it means it's not working and we need to break up

4) Has major abandonment issues so please don't abandon her

5) Seems every guy before me didn't take responsibility for their own actions, needs me to take responsibility for mine

6) Offer of safety, stability and security

7) "Adored" me on our first date, "Loved" me before the week was out but demanded I say it first, wanted to get married within 3 weeks.

These were just a few at the very beginning and I met every single one, however the list got even bigger as time went on. Number 5 especially, I took responsibility for my actions and hers. Number 7 should have been a huge clue - All she has ever wanted to do is get married because she never has been and she is 44.

So what did I "Need" from her? Validation, trust, honesty and love.
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wanttoknowmore
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« Reply #17 on: December 28, 2014, 06:24:06 PM »

She said... ."I need a friend... .dependable and wise like you... .who is available whenever I need... .I don't want to hate all men... .and you keep me from hating all men... as you create doubt in my head as some men possibly... .can be trusted " She needs me to be approachable on text/phone every 1 to 2 days or immediately if she has a crisis to vent her issues. She wants to have coffee with me and talk about life,people and problems.
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