Doesn't take compliments

[Depression = 72% of members]

Does anyone else have the trouble of their pwBPD not taking compliments? My dBPDw is gorgeous. She gets hit on and viewed and drooled on literally everywhere we go. Strangers tell her how pretty is she is and she just says thank you. When I tell her, she says no I'm not, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm gross yada yada. What can I say to this horrible perception of herself?

[blueeyes567]

Does anyone else have the trouble of their pwBPD not taking compliments? My dBPDw is gorgeous. She gets hit on and viewed and drooled on literally everywhere we go. Strangers tell her how pretty is she is and she just says thank you. When I tell her, she says no I'm not, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm gross yada yada. What can I say to this horrible perception of herself?

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[EaglesJuju]

My bf rarely takes a compliment. I would tell him that he is attractive, smart, funny, etc. He would say that he is not.  Then I would try to convince him otherwise.  I found that it was almost invalidating to him.

Then one time I asked him why he does not take a compliment.  He told me that he is a bad person who is undeserving of good comments.

Have you tried asking her why she feels that way?

[Hawk Ridge]

My ex was offended if I complimented her.  At one point, she responded, "how would you feel if I complimented you?"  It surprised me but I said "I love it when you compliment me.  It feels good."   Interesting.  I thought it was just me who experienced that. Wow!

[Ripped Heart]

It seems to say a lot about self perception and for many pwBPD, it can be very difficult to take and almost come across as insulting to them. After all Feelings = Facts.

My gf is similar in that the more you compliment her, the more uncomfortable she feels, especially when he self esteem is really low. She can be very touchy as though you are making fun of her.

I have to admit, I'm not a fan of having my photo taken and sometimes compliments can take me back a little, mostly because I'm not used to receiving them or if it's work related, my view is that I'm only doing what I'm being paid to do, so not a big deal at the time.

I must admit though, when you get compliments especially from someone you love and care about it does feel special.

[vortex of confusion]

I will admit that I sometimes have a problem with receiving compliments especially if it seems insincere. There are some people that give others compliments all the time. I am trying to think of an example. Ah, I know one. If my dad pays me a compliment, I take notice and it feels good. If my husband pays me a compliment, it seems shallow and insincere. The reason is that my dad doesn't go around handing out praise like candy. My husband, on the other hand, seems to give me compliments that are rooted in telling me what he thinks I want to hear. Same way with my mother and my mother in law, there compliments sometimes come across as insulting because of the tone and the context. One time, I told my mother in law that I had spent the day doing laundry. Her response was something like "Good for you" which was a compliment but it came across more as, "Oh wow, I am surprised that you did your laundry." The tone was so unbelievably condescending.

My husband craves compliments and praise. He wants to be thanked and praised and complimented for the tiniest of things. I, personally, have a difficult time giving him sincere compliments at times. I am certain that some of my compliments come across as condescending. So, I have gotten in the habit of trying to check myself.

[Verbena]

Hawk Ridge, the "how would you feel if I complimented you?" response is really bizarre.  It's as if compliments are automatically bad to your ex.  I don't understand that.

My H does not like to be complimented and has no idea how to respond to a compliment.  He struggles with knowing how to respond to most of what I say to him and often does not respond at all. 

I like to be complimented.  I have told my H this and have spent over three decades wanting his approval and to be complimented.   He can always think of something negative or critical to shoot me down, but he will not ever pay me a compliment. 

I noticed something interesting recently when we were around several other people at a funeral home visitation.  He was putting up his "I'm pleasant and normal" front which he usually does around other people.  (At home with me he is miserable, angry, and ULTRA negative.) A friend of his paid me a compliment and my H looked like he wanted to crawl under a rock.  He was very uncomfortable with this friend being pleasant and complimentary to me.  So I guess he is not only unwilling to compliment me, but also does not want other people to either. 

[Cole]

BPDw complains I do not compliment her enough then gets mad when I do. Will not accept a compliment from anyone, really.

The exception is complements about her looks from other men. She lives for those.

 

[blueeyes567]

I have never asked but I may. She loves to take selfies and post them on Facebook and have all her "friends" say stuff though.  She also sentpeople during this last dysregulation very risque photos which doesn't seem like low esteem but I know she does have low esteem

[Hawk Ridge]

My xpwBPD is a waif.  Do you think that plays a role in her dislike of compliments?

[Cole]

I have never asked but I may. She loves to take selfies and post them on Facebook and have all her "friends" say stuff though.  She also sentpeople during this last dysregulation very risque photos which doesn't seem like low esteem but I know she does have low esteem

That is a low self esteem trait. My wife is a remarkably stunning woman with low self esteem. She has always tied her self esteem to her looks, so anything she can do to get a man's attention is an ego boost. I will say it has improved since she went back to college and earned her degree. She is slowly tying her self esteem to her educational and employment accomplishments rather than her looks.     

[blueeyes567]

My xpwBPD is a waif.  Do you think that plays a role in her dislike of compliments?

I'm not sure what a waif is. I did compliment her today and she said no I'm not like I expected amd asked why do you think that and she just said because it's fat and so forth went on the back and forth and finally ending with her "I don't know and don't believe anyone not just you"

[startrekuser]

Whenever I tell my wife how pretty or beautiful she is, she says "I'm ugly" or "my hair is gray", etc.