How do I resist the urges reconcile with the "good" version of BPD spouse?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all, I have found great solace and strength thru this forum and decided to share.  So here goes: didn't realize my wife was BPD until seeking T for my wife's infidelity with a co-worker. Now that I do, i better understand the transformations from the I love you's, most amazing, soulmate and lover to the never able to satisfy me, not willing to "change" for me (always with the need to change -read be thinner, richer, funnier... .better) waste of my "best" years rages that have alternated from day to day. And, of course, how can I forget the constant accusations of cheating and questioning my interactions with women, any woman even if less attractive but god forbid if she is beautiful... .wow the hell and price to pay!  Anyway, I had been checking up ever since she mistakenly allowed me to see that she was interested in outside relationships... .the final fatal cut was the flying to meet this guy at a hotel on a weekend for a "work" meeting... .needless to say I have detached and she has gone to stay with family, but has been on better/best behavior and wants to reconcile pulling out all the stops to guilt me into moving forward.  Of course, any non-compliance with her wishes is still met with rage-outs and insults but I have stayed strong. Lately it is getting more difficult as she persists and one recalls all the tender amazing moments and fades the bad things. So, how have those resisted the "back-slide"?  Is it a matter of going no contact and what then of the suicidal blackmail?  Any thoughts help... .Thanks

[Marriagedeathbybpd]

Hi all, I have found great solace and strength thru this forum and decided to share.  So here goes: didn't realize my wife was BPD until seeking T for my wife's infidelity with a co-worker. Now that I do, i better understand the transformations from the I love you's, most amazing, soulmate and lover to the never able to satisfy me, not willing to "change" for me (always with the need to change -read be thinner, richer, funnier... .better) waste of my "best" years rages that have alternated from day to day. And, of course, how can I forget the constant accusations of cheating and questioning my interactions with women, any woman even if less attractive but god forbid if she is beautiful... .wow the hell and price to pay!  Anyway, I had been checking up ever since she mistakenly allowed me to see that she was interested in outside relationships... .the final fatal cut was the flying to meet this guy at a hotel on a weekend for a "work" meeting... .needless to say I have detached and she has gone to stay with family, but has been on better/best behavior and wants to reconcile pulling out all the stops to guilt me into moving forward.  Of course, any non-compliance with her wishes is still met with rage-outs and insults but I have stayed strong. Lately it is getting more difficult as she persists and one recalls all the tender amazing moments and fades the bad things. So, how have those resisted the "back-slide"?  Is it a matter of going no contact and what then of the suicidal blackmail?  Any thoughts help... .Thanks

[Lucky Jim]

Hey marriagedeath, Welcome!  Usually the "tender amazing moments" -- as you put it -- only comprise a thin slice of the total experience in a BPD r/s.  Remind yourself of the outrageous behavior.  Don't get caught up in the FOG -- fear, obligation & guilt -- which is often how a pwBPD will attempt to manipulate you into a recycle.  Try to observe your feelings when the FOG rolls in, and you may be able to resist the urge to respond.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[deux soeurs]

I just started a journal that goes something like this:  I knew it was time to go when I think about himt and it makes me sad and anxious instead of happy.  There is a lot more... .I am writing down all the negative things he has done and how I am feeling.  You must never forget the bad because that is who they are.  The good part is not real... .

[Marriagedeathbybpd]

I think a journal to identify and recall the negatives could be beneficial.  I love how this has been turned around onto me to make the decision to stay or go from the marriage. Any time I start to consider reconciling I consider her "hey baby" and "I need you" "miss you" and "I loved kissing you" text she sent the OM.  Why can't she simply act as cool and involved as she was when she was spending trips with him -- now it's he is nothing to me and why can't you forgive this "one thing"?  Really, one thing... .Uh, no this is the third emotional/physical affair in the last 6 months... .

[Marriagedeathbybpd]

Luckyjim, thanks - sometimes the FOG can be overwhelming and it is easy to remember the extreme closeness even if it is entangled in up/down love/hate daily dramas... .peace and love!

[EaglesJuju]

Hi MDBBPD,

Welcome.  I am sorry you are going through such a difficult situation.  I understand how frustrating it is to cope with a pwBPD's erratic behavior.

Maintaining or ceasing contact is totally reliant on your needs and healing process.  What would be easier for you to heal?  What would you like to do for yourself?

Being in the FOG really is overwhelming.  My experience of being in the FOG was a constant internal struggle.  I found this article to be really helpful.  Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

Have you had a chance to read the lessons on the right?