Feeling huge grief that I can't get over

[Josterberry]

Hello, I'm a 60 year old man, a craftsman/artist, known and respected as an 'elder' in my field (I think this last might be relevant to the situation). I'm here because I ended a friendship/relationship with someone who, out of instinct, I kept at arm's length but whom a few months ago I finally fell in love with. At this point my emotional life became a rollercoaster where I was subjected to increasing 'splitting', 'manipulative nurturation' ('Thank You so much, you see I have no-one who cares for me' and an emotional manipulation which felt like sadism. I also recognized that I was being set up and pushed to limits (as a kind of testing) to see how much she could get away with.  I'm here because I feel a deep grieving pain about this which I can't seem to get over.

My tip off was in asking a homeopath for help with my distress. When I described my SO's behaviour she suddenly sat up and said 'WOW, this woman's BPD - go and look it up'  I've read a lot before taking the plunge of being here and understand that the boundaries of definition aren't fixed. I'd guess that there's about 50/50 HPD/BPD in my SO. This has also led me to have a long look at myself and question my deep, almost obsessive need to care. I relate this distinctly to being the child of an unstable (infantile) struggling single Mum and know that I need to take the responsibility of seeking therapy to unpack and resolve this.

Despite friends, I’ve been feeling very very alone

I don’t know how brief ‘brief’ is so I’ll stop here but am ready to give a description (as briefly as I can) of the ‘transit’ of the relationship

[DreamGirl]

Hi Josterberry,

This has also led me to have a long look at myself and question my deep, almost obsessive need to care. I relate this distinctly to being the child of an unstable (infantile) struggling single Mum and know that I need to take the responsibility of seeking therapy to unpack and resolve this.

Glad you found us and I think it's safe to say that you're amongst friends in this --- a lot of us know that "baggage" we seem to carry around with us from our childhoods. (Daughter of an NPD-traited dad over here)

It's interesting that you said you kept her at an arm's length but then decided to take the "plunge". Sometimes that's good, I think; sometimes not so much when it's with the "wrong" person. Hopefully we learn to take the lessons with us though. You've definitely come to the right place.

Have you started therapy yet?

Where does your relationship stand now?

Despite friends, I’ve been feeling very very alone

I'm sorry to hear this is how you feel in this - I undeniably and unequivocally understand that feeling. I think you'll find, though, that there's a lot of us who really know just how you feel. Knowing there are those who understand really does help you feel less alone. 

Welcome to our family. 

~DreamGirl

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Josterberry

May I congratulate you on such a clear and honest description of the events that led you here.

It's amazing to me that you have already had the insight to connect your strong reaction of grief to events of your past rather than attributing them all to current events.

It seems very likely that you have tapped into an old grief by this new circumstance. As such you may want to take the opportunity to fully grieve out this old pain if you are able. I try and think of these events as an opportunity to get closer to myself and gain more self insight.

Like DreamGirl I am curious as to the fact you kept her at arm's length at first  -do you know the reason for that?

As far as your need to care, are you aware of repetition compulsions? They are attempts at times to recreate certain old problems in order to solve them this time in a way we weren't able to solve them in the past. Is it possible that something like this is happening for you?

By all means please describe in further detail the transit you spoke of. the more detail you give the better able we are to provide you with the right type of support and educational material.

And like DreamGirl said, we really get how alone it can feel to have these situations.

You are most welcome here 

Ziggiddy