Did your ex leave for a better life?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm asking because mine left our life for what I find the worst of lives.

We were together for only a year and a half, and already with a baby, born beginning of this year.

BPD really got on well with my D10 too.

Ok, he complained a lot about his working conditions because he had to travel to the capital and that was exhausting. I kept encouraging him to apply nearer but he missed all the opportunies I found for him.

Apart from that, and apart from his ups and downs, our life was good. We loved each other (or so I thought), a healthy and gorgeous baby was born, we found a fantastic house near the countryside.

We were planning for our holidays in July, so my family could see us together for the first time, and see the baby of course.

My family never got the "chance" to see us as a couple  :'(

I went there alone, with the kids.

And now what?

After spending a few months at his parents', self pitying and telling them crap, he now lives alone, near the station.

That allows him to save a lot of time on transport... .about 30 min in the morning and the same in the evening.

OK, but... .all this FOR THIS?

He hardly sees his son nowadays, only one day per week-end.

He used to love his garden, no more garden.

Not to mention our family life and me... .but he seems not to care at all about that.

Yes it hurts deeply, but beyond the pain, I don't understand.

What's the point of all this? Living a life on his own?

He used to say that living for work, alone, was the worst of lives... .

I really don't get it. I read a lot of people here who mention "their replacement". I can imagine the pain, but at least it makes sense, kind of.

But leaving me and the kids... .for NOTHING?

That idea really drives me crazy, I can't get it out of my mind.

[Indyan]

I'm asking because mine left our life for what I find the worst of lives.

We were together for only a year and a half, and already with a baby, born beginning of this year.

BPD really got on well with my D10 too.

Ok, he complained a lot about his working conditions because he had to travel to the capital and that was exhausting. I kept encouraging him to apply nearer but he missed all the opportunies I found for him.

Apart from that, and apart from his ups and downs, our life was good. We loved each other (or so I thought), a healthy and gorgeous baby was born, we found a fantastic house near the countryside.

We were planning for our holidays in July, so my family could see us together for the first time, and see the baby of course.

My family never got the "chance" to see us as a couple  :'(

I went there alone, with the kids.

And now what?

After spending a few months at his parents', self pitying and telling them crap, he now lives alone, near the station.

That allows him to save a lot of time on transport... .about 30 min in the morning and the same in the evening.

OK, but... .all this FOR THIS?

He hardly sees his son nowadays, only one day per week-end.

He used to love his garden, no more garden.

Not to mention our family life and me... .but he seems not to care at all about that.

Yes it hurts deeply, but beyond the pain, I don't understand.

What's the point of all this? Living a life on his own?

He used to say that living for work, alone, was the worst of lives... .

I really don't get it. I read a lot of people here who mention "their replacement". I can imagine the pain, but at least it makes sense, kind of.

But leaving me and the kids... .for NOTHING?

That idea really drives me crazy, I can't get it out of my mind.

[nowwhatz]

My ex doesn't have a better life.

She is on probation. She just got a good job using her social skills (was able to get the job even though she has a felony). I am happy for her really. But her probation officer came to her apt yesterday unexpectedly and told her she needs to get a letter from the company where she has a job verifying they know of her felony.  The supervisor who hired her will probably have to notify her bosses and the ex is understandably worried about getting fired.

Before she got the job she threatened to go to Mexico and never come back. I advised against that because I believe the family of the victim she stole from will track her down and make her face justice here in a us prison or worse make her pay through some sort of Mexican justice.

She has always been very thin and is super attractive but she gained a bunch of weight over the last year due to inactivity. I am sure she can work it off if she can keep her job. But it won't be easy to recycle any other past bfs for short-term support, if she has any.

She has no car and no phone. Apt is leased to her son's gf.  Her son is an A college student but usually if the guy is not working and the girl is wearing the pants they get tired of it so that may not work out.  She depends on the son's gf and her son for transportation and will have to start riding the bus (something she was too good to do in the past).

I have the phone... .it is awesome and helping me get through the pain of detachment.

I don't think they make enough money to pay for the apt and expenses and think she was counting on me for continued financial support.  She is supposed to maybe get some extra money from the state for having a serious mental illness. Apparently here in my state if you have a felony and a serious mental illness you can get free medical, dental, food stamps, and extra money for being crazy.

My life is not rainbows and unicorns but hers is not better.  I will probably get contacted for help in the future.

[ajr5679]

My ex left me because she stated that she needed her own place because the place she was living was my home . I never made her feel like this was only my place, she moved 25 miles into the country were she can`t afford to live . the last thing I heard  she is back with her ex now , that she told me horrible thing able. it is all crazy making . we will never get closers . we will never understand why they do the things they do.

[billypilgrim]

The answer to this type of question depends on theangle at which you are looking at it.  I'm sure from my ex's perspective, she thinks she has a better life.  Or she is taking the necessary steps in order to get to that better life.  Always looking for that next thing to fill that empty void.

But from our perspectives, I doubt we see that our exes have moved on to something better.  From my vantage point, I don't see a better life, though I am biased.

From an emotional standpoint: She lost her (in her words a few weeks before she left) "best friend."  She no longer sees a dog that she loved.  She is no longer going to have a family with me - which is a loss for her, I'm going to be an awesome dad.  She no longer has the most patient, loving, and consistent relationship she's ever had in her life.  She no longer has someone willing to do anything for her.  She no longer has a husband who took his vows very seriously and truly did try to make her life the best it could be.

From a financial standpoint:  She's on her own, no more joint income.  She moved out of our home (the one she wanted, no less) and rented an apartment that is more than our monthly mortgage.  She now has inherited her own car payment (though I had gotten us a year ahead).  She  is now responsible for all utilities.  She is now solely responsible for her student loans.  We'll see how long that one time payment I gave her to go away lasts.

From her perspective:  Billypilgrim is the source of *my* unhappiness.  *I* need to leave him and find someone better that can truly make *me* happy.  Someone who really understands *me*.  Someone who really loves *me*.  Someone who can make *me* feel whole.  *I* don't want to wake up lonely anymore.  *I* deserve to be happy.

So yeah, I think she thinks she's leaving/left for a better life.  But from where I sit, I have a hard time seeing what exactly is better other than the fact that she can do whatever or whoever she wants.  

For me things are better, things are calm.  I'm struggling with the loneliness and I'm mourning the loss of what I thought was real.  But I'm not doting on a 26 year old child struggling with a clusterB cocktail.  And that's definitely better for my life.

[Indyan]

So yeah, I think she thinks she's leaving/left for a better life.  But from where I sit, I have a hard time seeing what exactly is better other than the fact that she can do whatever or whoever she wants.  

For me things are better, things are calm.

Oh yes, I forgot that: "he can do whaever he wants". Play video games almost all week-end (when baby's not there), or sleep, or make a horrible mess or... .whatever.

So yeah, that's great.

And yes, here things are calm. Or they are getting calm, as they haven't been really for the last few months (he showed up unexpectedly), and my D10 often reminds me of that.

[Deeno02]

I know nothing of the new guy other than he looks like a dork and is an old college buddy. I also know nothing about whats going on since she dumped me 4 months ago. I do know she gets a bunch of money from her ex for her 5 kids and was getting coaching gigs and such for volleyball. I also know that her house is in foreclosure and has been for along while, over a year now. Wouldnt let me help at all. So I dont think her life is a box of crackers yet, but damn it, thank god she got that new guy instead of handling her life... .what a dumb ass.

[going places]

Did the ex leave for a better life?

I don't know.

I don't know what his definition of "better life is"?

He is free to come and go as he pleases, he has no responsibilities (claims he is living with a friend, and sleeping on the floor).

He doesn't have to do any home maintenance, car maintenance (borrowing his brothers because he let someone borrow his and they wrecked it and never fixed it).

He can spend uninterrupted time on the internet with his picture friends.

He can eat whatever he wants when ever he wants.

He can stay up all night playing video games if he wants.

He can get drunk and act stupid if he wants.

He can buy whatever he wants for himself whenever he wants.

He switched jobs, again. (5 job in 5 years)

He doesn't have to hide his phone, or password protect his computer or worry about anyone finding him out.

SO I guess in his eyes, yes he has a better life... .he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants WITH WHO EVER he wants... .with no consequences.

He had it all. It wasn't enough.

So the above life is what he chose.

His loss.

[hurting300]

Lol, they may leave for a better life but bet money they'll screw it up.

[Deeno02]

Lol, they may leave for a better life but bet money they'll screw it up.

yeah, new guy week after dumping me. That never bodes well... .

[hurting300]

Lol, they may leave for a better life but bet money they'll screw it up.

yeah, new guy week after dumping me. That never bodes well... .

he'll be joining us soon pal.

[peiper]

Lol, they may leave for a better life but bet money they'll screw it up.

yeah, new guy week after dumping me. That never bodes well... .

he'll be joining us soon pal.

Mine dumped me for the guy she was cheating with and moved out of my house into his motorhome. They broke up once that I know of but their back together now. It actually gave me some validation because with her recycling him it shows her cycle continues.

[Tibbles]

Mine wanted a better life, a better family, better wife, better kids. Apparently they are all out there just waiting for him. Does he have that - nope! He was so caught up in his own pain he couldn't see what he was throwing away. Still can't. Sad really.

[Deeno02]

Lol, they may leave for a better life but bet money they'll screw it up.

yeah, new guy week after dumping me. That never bodes well... .

he'll be joining us soon pal.

Old college buddy. Sorry dude, stuff changes after 25 years... .

[Seriously?]

My husband said he would rather live under a bridge than live with me. When I met him, he was 38 and renting a room in a house and had no car. I believed in the great lies of potential and true love conquers all. From what I see in the court paperwork,  he is still very low income. We had a fairly comfortable life, although I was always robbing Peter to pay Paul, the lights, heat, and phones stayed on. I don't feel he has a better life, but I am sure he feels like he does. I have not tried to see what he is up to except for looking to see if he has an active dating profile. He does and it's so phony. I screen shot it to use in the divorce proceedings.  What a mess this all is. If I could wish the last 6 months away, I would. I loved how we used to be before he got paranoid and abusive.  

[Indyan]

Did the ex leave for a better life?

I don't know.

I don't know what his definition of "better life is"?

He is free to come and go as he pleases, he has no responsibilities (claims he is living with a friend, and sleeping on the floor).

He doesn't have to do any home maintenance, car maintenance (borrowing his brothers because he let someone borrow his and they wrecked it and never fixed it).

He can spend uninterrupted time on the internet with his picture friends.

He can eat whatever he wants when ever he wants.

He can stay up all night playing video games if he wants.

He can get drunk and act stupid if he wants.

He can buy whatever he wants for himself whenever he wants.

He switched jobs, again. (5 job in 5 years)

He doesn't have to hide his phone, or password protect his computer or worry about anyone finding him out.

SO I guess in his eyes, yes he has a better life... .he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants WITH WHO EVER he wants... .with no consequences.

He had it all. It wasn't enough.

So the above life is what he chose.

His loss.

Yep, the same.

It felt weird reading your message, I could picture him in your description.

Yes, he couldn't handle responsabilities. Too many, too soon. When we started dating he was alone, living in his parents' summer house, no kids, no job, no driving licence, no money, no gf.

He got it all but that was too much I guess.

[Indyan]

He does and it's so phony. I screen shot it to use in the divorce proceedings.  What a mess this all is. If I could wish the last 6 months away, I would. I loved how we used to be before he got paranoid and abusive.  

He chased me on a dating site, and when I read his profile I felt sick. He described himself as "reliable, trustworthy, wanting a r/s based on trust and sharing of feelings, looking for a woman who has small faults and doesn't think she's perfect (?), and went on describing the things he did sometimes: cooking sushies, gardening, going to a concert. He said "he was told he's rather good looking and a good lover."

He used to say that I was "too good looking" to be with a man like him, but I found him really attractive and told him. Our sex life was 100% dependant on his moods, about once a month, but yes it was great. Although I didn't say it much, he used to say it a lot.

Paranoid and abusive, same here. He started getting totally crazy in July. According to my last psychologist his attitude looks bipolar, he thinks he's persecuted.

[Aussie JJ]

This resonates with me.  Thing is what are we goign to make of this life.  

I am in mourning about not being able to see my son every day.  So many things that hurt so much there.  I think the hardest thing is when defining what we want from life, stability, companionship and a partner who will support us.  All of us in some way or another thought we had found that, it wasnt growing apart it was over, no reason, no ryhme just over.  

Now its trying to find that again, espessially with kids involved and make the most of the future.  Mine is the opposite where she is saying I am all evil and tryign to cut me out of my sons life.  

One thing I have got out of this is, I want to be a father in my sons life.  I want to be that person who will always be there for him and she wont prevent me from being that person.  I cant control her actions however nothing will stop me being their for him.  

Everything my exBPD said she was, she wasnt.  That is what hurts the most. 


AJJ.  

[peiper]

This resonates with me.  Thing is what are we goign to make of this life.  

I am in mourning about not being able to see my son every day.  So many things that hurt so much there.  I think the hardest thing is when defining what we want from life, stability, companionship and a partner who will support us.  All of us in some way or another thought we had found that, it wasnt growing apart it was over, no reason, no ryhme just over.  

Now its trying to find that again, espessially with kids involved and make the most of the future.  Mine is the opposite where she is saying I am all evil and tryign to cut me out of my sons life.  

One thing I have got out of this is, I want to be a father in my sons life.  I want to be that person who will always be there for him and she wont prevent me from being that person.  I cant control her actions however nothing will stop me being their for him.  

Everything my exBPD said she was, she wasnt.  That is what hurts the most. 


AJJ.  That's exactly it. Everything she portrayed was just a lie and that did hurt.

[Indyan]

This resonates with me.  Thing is what are we goign to make of this life.  

I am in mourning about not being able to see my son every day.  

Sorry to hear this. I'm aware that, although my situation has been extremely stressful with the kids, had I been a man and my baby would be at his parents full time, and I would be struggling to see him. No doubt about this.

How old is your son?

[Indyan]

AJJ.  That's exactly it. Everything she portrayed was just a lie and that did hurt.

Yes, but what I don't get is that lots of the things he said that were my thing too came from him. Or maybe they are really good at picking up hints we send in the beginning?

For example saying "I dream to live one day in the mountains" and 3 weeks later he's talk about "his dream house that should be in the country and have a large garden".

Today, I have no idea what was true and what was mirrored.

All I see is that now that he only sees his FOO, he behaves in a highly materialistic way. Is he mirroring them, or just showing his true self?

I'm starting to doubt he has a "true self"... .

[peiper]

I'm a big history buff. When we first got together I was watching battlefield tours of Europe on YouTube she almost was sitting on my lap. I found that interesting as most women could care less. She told me she loved that stuff. I told her I'd love to go on one of those tours, she said she would too and we would. Within months she could care less about history. I see now it was all mirroring.  She had me believing I'd found the perfect woman for me.

[myself]

Did she leave me for a life, or a therapist (or friend, or lover, or... .) where she's going to be deeply honest, working on herself to overcome her disordered ways of personally interacting with people (especially the ones she's closest with) so she doesn't continue hurting herself and others? No. So, not better.

[Deeno02]

Read my post "My Fault". I think this is about as much closure as Im going to get. Maybe she has temporarily as her old college buddy she got with a week after dumping me, seems to be doing all the superficial stuff she douched on me about. So, shes in her happy place 4 months in to her new r/s...

[rollercoaster24]

Hi everyone

Right now I am sure my ex thinks he left for a 'better life' since he was always persecuting me that he couldn't ever have that if he stayed with me!

Yea, I got used to blame, 4 years of blame actually. When he wasn't blaming me he was blaming my family, his family and the world.

His whole life has been one big series of Geographical 'escapes', from West State to East State and back again several times, then South, North and all over the country too.

Presently, (not that I really wanted to be told by his Sister Inlaw thanks!) he is now actually working on a farm stay several hours South of the city he lived in with me, (and where I still am). Since he hasn't worked in 6 years, and has been on full victim act the whole time, I am sure now that having a new job, new relationship, new life, will be helping him feel on top of the world, (for a little while).

Until the façade wears off. 

[Indyan]

Did she leave me for a life, or a therapist (or friend, or lover, or... .) where she's going to be deeply honest, working on herself to overcome her disordered ways of personally interacting with people (especially the ones she's closest with) so she doesn't continue hurting herself and others? No. So, not better.

Good point