2 months post b/u. 30 Days NC. I talked to her face to face tonight.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My exuBPDgf of 20 months just left my house. She was here for 1 hour and 45 minutes. This started by her texting me today with the text of "Why do you think I have BPD?" Here are the texts that followed:

ME:

Did you research any of it?

Her:

No not really.

Me:

Ok. To tell you why I think so, it would take a bit. There are a lot of factors involved.

Her:

Oh ok.

Me:

I'm open to telling you when you have tme. Up to you.

Her:

Yeah, I wouldn't mind.

Her:

Well you tell me when.

Me: I have a few things to do, then I can text more.

Her:

Ok

Me:

Are you sure you want to hear this from me? I'm not a medical professional.

Her:

You know me best.

Me:

First of all, I want you to know that none of this is an attack on you or your character, and if you were to have it, it wouldn't make you a bad person.

Her:

I know. I'm not mad at you, not upset with you. I'm open minded right now.

Me:

To really determine if it's true, you have to understand what it is and how it happens. It stems from childhood. It also doesn't have anything to do with something you've done, but what has happened to you at a young age. Some of the symptoms are: anadonment in childhood, not receiving adequate love from a parent or both, poor communication in the family, and sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. Do any of these describe anything you experienced growing up?

Her:

Yes.

Me:

Some of the symptoms are: intense fear of being abandoned, cannot tolerate being alone, frequent feelings of emptiness or boredom, impulsiveness, self-injury... such as cutting. Do any of these patterns pertain to you?

Her:

Yes.


There is a lot longer log of texts that I won't bother typing out. As the conversation went on, she asked if it would be easier to talk about in person. I said yes. I agreed to see her tonight via her coming over to my place.

While she was here, I acted completely indifferent. Polite, respectful, and friendly. As did she. We sat on my couch, on seperate couches and talked further about her BPD. I did not try to convince her that she has it. I simply told her the facts that I know based on research that I've done. She did asked me why I researched it. I told her that after the relationship between her and I, I was looking for something to explain what I just went through. When I found out about BPD, I just related to her childhood and everything I knew about her and what I know about her relationship. She seemed indifferent. It wasn't awkward... we shared some laughs. To show my indifference, I asked her how her new boyfriend is. She said "he drives me nuts". She also said that she went to his parents house and got bit by fleas. I just laughed, it didn't phase me at all. She asked how I am, I told her about my 2015 goals of weight loss, being alone and working on myself, and focusing on my job. She talked about wanting to move away from here. She admitted to not knowing who she is and that she needs to find herself.

I answered any questions she had, which weren't very many.

I told her that if she ever had any questions, I would answer them for her. Again, I remained completely indifferent. we smoked some weed that she had, she told me it was Cody's, which is my replacement. I told her a story of an ex girlfriend I had that she hated. She seemed indifferent to it, but didn't laugh much. She said that she's been getting harrassed at work again. I told her that if she feels like she should do something about it, then to do it. She told me that this guy is coming on really strong. Said that he told her he loved her after 2 weeks. She said she asked him to stop posting all over facebook about him. I don't know if she is in devaluation or not. I asked her how her Christmas was, she said, "It was whatever".

She really didn't look good. Bags under her eyes, she looked tired, she was sick. She said the medicine she is on numbs her depression, but she feels like she can't think for herself while on it. When she stopped taking it, her depression got really bad, so she started taking it again. I mentioned therapy to her and if she would ever considered getting it. I told her about the specific therapy for BPD if she was in fact get diagnosed.

In all conversation I stayed completely indifferent and offered advice. I gave her the rest of the clothes I had in the bag along with a picture of us together that was framed in our kitchen.

I wanted to make it clear that I don't want her back in my life, but I would offer a wise word. She left, didn't ask for a hug of any sort, nor did. I told her to drive safe, and she left.

I was nervous. I was first contact in 30 days. I will continue no contact. I'm sure I will hear from her again.

[Xidion]

My exuBPDgf of 20 months just left my house. She was here for 1 hour and 45 minutes. This started by her texting me today with the text of "Why do you think I have BPD?" Here are the texts that followed:

ME:

Did you research any of it?

Her:

No not really.

Me:

Ok. To tell you why I think so, it would take a bit. There are a lot of factors involved.

Her:

Oh ok.

Me:

I'm open to telling you when you have tme. Up to you.

Her:

Yeah, I wouldn't mind.

Her:

Well you tell me when.

Me: I have a few things to do, then I can text more.

Her:

Ok

Me:

Are you sure you want to hear this from me? I'm not a medical professional.

Her:

You know me best.

Me:

First of all, I want you to know that none of this is an attack on you or your character, and if you were to have it, it wouldn't make you a bad person.

Her:

I know. I'm not mad at you, not upset with you. I'm open minded right now.

Me:

To really determine if it's true, you have to understand what it is and how it happens. It stems from childhood. It also doesn't have anything to do with something you've done, but what has happened to you at a young age. Some of the symptoms are: anadonment in childhood, not receiving adequate love from a parent or both, poor communication in the family, and sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. Do any of these describe anything you experienced growing up?

Her:

Yes.

Me:

Some of the symptoms are: intense fear of being abandoned, cannot tolerate being alone, frequent feelings of emptiness or boredom, impulsiveness, self-injury... such as cutting. Do any of these patterns pertain to you?

Her:

Yes.


There is a lot longer log of texts that I won't bother typing out. As the conversation went on, she asked if it would be easier to talk about in person. I said yes. I agreed to see her tonight via her coming over to my place.

While she was here, I acted completely indifferent. Polite, respectful, and friendly. As did she. We sat on my couch, on seperate couches and talked further about her BPD. I did not try to convince her that she has it. I simply told her the facts that I know based on research that I've done. She did asked me why I researched it. I told her that after the relationship between her and I, I was looking for something to explain what I just went through. When I found out about BPD, I just related to her childhood and everything I knew about her and what I know about her relationship. She seemed indifferent. It wasn't awkward... we shared some laughs. To show my indifference, I asked her how her new boyfriend is. She said "he drives me nuts". She also said that she went to his parents house and got bit by fleas. I just laughed, it didn't phase me at all. She asked how I am, I told her about my 2015 goals of weight loss, being alone and working on myself, and focusing on my job. She talked about wanting to move away from here. She admitted to not knowing who she is and that she needs to find herself.

I answered any questions she had, which weren't very many.

I told her that if she ever had any questions, I would answer them for her. Again, I remained completely indifferent. we smoked some weed that she had, she told me it was Cody's, which is my replacement. I told her a story of an ex girlfriend I had that she hated. She seemed indifferent to it, but didn't laugh much. She said that she's been getting harrassed at work again. I told her that if she feels like she should do something about it, then to do it. She told me that this guy is coming on really strong. Said that he told her he loved her after 2 weeks. She said she asked him to stop posting all over facebook about him. I don't know if she is in devaluation or not. I asked her how her Christmas was, she said, "It was whatever".

She really didn't look good. Bags under her eyes, she looked tired, she was sick. She said the medicine she is on numbs her depression, but she feels like she can't think for herself while on it. When she stopped taking it, her depression got really bad, so she started taking it again. I mentioned therapy to her and if she would ever considered getting it. I told her about the specific therapy for BPD if she was in fact get diagnosed.

In all conversation I stayed completely indifferent and offered advice. I gave her the rest of the clothes I had in the bag along with a picture of us together that was framed in our kitchen.

I wanted to make it clear that I don't want her back in my life, but I would offer a wise word. She left, didn't ask for a hug of any sort, nor did. I told her to drive safe, and she left.

I was nervous. I was first contact in 30 days. I will continue no contact. I'm sure I will hear from her again.

[NonAverageJoe]

How do you feel?

[Xidion]

How do you feel?

I feel fine. I hope I'm not judged for this, but I smiled on the inside for a second when I realized her life is in shambles and the happy faces on facebook are, in fact, smoke and mirrors. But also, I feel for her as a person in that she feels lost and admits to having no direction in life. She feels lost, empty, and out of place.

I can honestly say, there is a tick in the back of my mind wondering if she will continue to contact me, as I'm not 100% detached. However, I'm detached enough that I don't feel set back by this.

[Blimblam]

If you didn't come across as needy or hurt there is a very strong chance she will reach out to contact you again.  It's kinda twisted like that.

[Xidion]

If you didn't come across as needy or hurt there is a very strong chance she will reach out to contact you again.  It's kinda twisted like that.

I was completely indifferent. Didn't even ask for a hug.

[NonAverageJoe]

You did better than I in that respect.

[Blimblam]

It's why pwBPD end up with people with npd or aspd often.

[Joshuaua]

It's why pwBPD end up with people with npd or aspd often.

that's awesome of you man. I'm going through a similar thing with my ex where she's become aware of her BPD because of me. It's tough to think "wow maybe they'll change now that they're aware of it" but you still need

To be very cautious.    ALSO... What does NPD, and ASPD mean?

[Blimblam]

It's why pwBPD end up with people with npd or aspd often.

that's awesome of you man. I'm going through a similar thing with my ex where she's become aware of her BPD because of me. It's tough to think "wow maybe they'll change now that they're aware of it" but you still need

To be very cautious.    ALSO... What does NPD, and ASPD mean?

Ahh ok I think you misunderstood I used acronyms. 

A pwBPD tend to want to chase something out of reach such as a emotionally unavailable person to validate them. It is very common for a pwBPD to end up with someone with narcisistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder.  They provide the pwBPD with the drama they crave and are indifferent to a pwBPDs little statemts about other guys and what not.  The lack of true intimicy feels safe vs true intimicy which can potentially trigger the disorder because they don't trust it. 

She mentioned others guys and you were indifferent so when she devalues a someone else your stock goes up. 

The more someone is loving and nurturing to the pwBPD this eventually triggers the pwBPDs engulfment and abandonment fears. They don't trust it and they will test the attachments security.  If someone is indifferent to the pwBPD this feels like stability even though it could just be becAuse somone just does not trully care. 

I'm not sure if that was very clear.  Sorry if it's not.

[Xidion]

She texted 2 hours after leaving and said "thanks for talking with me"

[peiper]

If you didn't come across as needy or hurt there is a very strong chance she will reach out to contact you again.  It's kinda twisted like that.

I agree with this completely. It gives their wounded ego validation of actually being wanted if they can get us to show interest. As you know mine filed a bogus restraining order and put me through heck in court. I remember telling my T at least with that RO in place I won't be hearing from her. He told me I was wrong because when she hit a rough spot it would give her more validation she was loved and desirable if she could get me to show interest. He was right by the way.

[Xidion]

It's hard to tell whether she really wanted help or she was here for other reasons. She kept acting like she wanted to saying something,  then would stop herself.