We suspect our 26 year old daughter has BPD

[mountainmama]

Our daughter is recently starting the process of divorce from her husband. She is 26 years old and they have an almost two year old son together. This is our daughter's second marriage and she is very discouraged about the entire thing. We recognize that both her and her husband have some issues ( possible BPD/NPD)that really require some counseling. Christmas was absolutely awful this year, she is the oldest of five and all her siblings were frustrated about how our holiday was hijacked by divorce drama for an entire week. She also remembers past events as completely different or not true at all. Her reaction to a situation can vary dramatically based on her emotions at the time. Comments or situations are interpreted completely out of left field at times and leave us befuddled at why she is reacting volatilviy to non-volatile issues (i.e. Making huge deals out of nothing). We had her watch a video on your site and she recognizes some of her symptoms (poking herself with needles to relieve stress; some cutting in High School; etc), but thinks only her husband has BPD.

We have raised all of our other four children the same way and don't see these same characteristics or outbursts that we see in her. My husband (her father) and I feel overwhelmed and unsure about what to do. She is in incredible denial that any issues are hers. She does recognize that her soon to be ex probably has BPD. He recently has made suicide threats and frankly we are worried about her safety as well as his. All of her problems are his fault and all of her prior problems were our fault. It's hard to reason with someone that does not take responsibility for any of her actions and is very explosive.

We need suggestions on how to keep the cause and effect from her choices from affecting the rest of our family. We are starting to see her drama causing stress on the other four kids and her son. We want to be responsible to our grandson (we watch him almost daily), but want to shield our other kids from the stressful situations and outbursts. We worry that our grandson is being mildly neglected by both parents (i.e diaper not changed frequently; not fed on schedule;etc). We want to help, but are afraid we are enabling her. We also want the best for her, but after about 10 years of these same struggles we're not sure what to do. We have been researching her symptoms and just this year feel she may have BPD. We have not discussed any of this with her.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[donnab]

Hi mountainmama sorry to hear of the turmoil you and your family are in. I am in a similar situation my dd was diagnosed with BPD a few months ago, but I suspected she had BPD for a few years. Our lives were in turmoil for years. She has an 18 month old dd, which 6 months ago we took custody of and are going through the court process to formally get custody.

I can only say from my experience that it is very hard to get someone with BPD to acknowledge it. Possibly because of their deep fear something is wrong with them they can't acknowledge it as they are afraid of the shame. The only thing I have been able to do is protect myself and learn to change my responses, it's not easy and I have been very damaged by the things that we have gone through. But then I try to be compassionate and understand however difficult it is for me, it is worse for her.

It's not easy but by looking after myself, trying to detach from her to some degree, being more compassionate, trying to apply the communication tools, not rising to the bait & drama things have improved. I can't stop her reactions, but by changing how I respond to them, validating her feelings (not always easy!) & not taking the bait her triggers have not turned into full blown rages for sometime now. I do struggle with being able to deal with how she is with her daughter and it is a touchy subject, one that I have to address at some point.

I wish you all the best x

[formflier]

 

Donnab

I'm glad you have found us.  Sorry you are having such a time with your adult daughter.

I believe that if you are consistent spending time on BPD Family that you will learn skills that will help you cope with your daughter.  After a time I believe that you will then learn skills that will help you actually help your daughter.

Please head over to the parenting board.  I've provided a link below. 


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0

I've also provided a link below to "the lessons"... .I think you will find them to be valuable.  Please post questions about how to apply those lessons to the parenting board.



https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206