Examining why I didn't walk away even though I knew better

[InATimeLapse]

I realize now there were many instances during the beginning (first 2 months) of my relationship with my uBPDexgf that I knew I should have broke it off and cut my ties.  I had been through a similar experience in the previous relationship and had spent 6 months single, emotionally preparing myself to never accept childish, dramatic crap in my life again and to walk away at the first glimpse of it.

I have to acknowledge now that, despite those strong intentions and how confident and comfortable I was being single before I met her, when that rational voice within my head had at times told me:

“This isn’t good!  Not a good sign!”

“Something’s really off here!”

“She’s emotionally manipulating you!”

“You have to get out of this relationship now!  Now Damnit!  NOW DAMNIT!”


But instead of following my rational mind I started down the road of these delusional thoughts:

“This might not be as bad as you’re making it out to be.”

“In the beginning of relationships, when people fall in love they sometimes do and say crazy things because it’s INTENSE.  It’s part of it.  I’m sure this will pass and she’ll look back at it in embarrassment someday.”

“Ok, so she’s a little bit unstable.  But you don’t have to throw the baby out with the bathwater.  Love is patient, remember?  And just because things are this way now doesn’t mean they’ll always be this way.  Maybe she just needs to talk things through with a therapist and iron out a couple issues.  And don’t forget how stable she was, and how happy you were, only yesterday!  I’m sure that stable person I was laughing with yesterday is the Real Her, she just needs the time/space to heal.  And don’t we all need that at some point in our lives?  It doesn’t mean we can’t build a good thing in the interim.”


There were several times when I knew I had to walk away and my mind went on auto-pilot and I kind of detached from the situation while asking her to leave.  But here’s the really strange thing:  while she was packing her stuff up I couldn’t hold my resolve.  It felt like I was asking myself to cut off my arm to save my body.  Intellectually I knew it had to happen but when it came down to actually doing it, I just couldn’t.  Instead, weirdly, I got angry with her for doing exactly what I asked her to do: packing her things into her car.  I got angry that she’d actually hold on to the manipulative games she was playing - to the point of actually leaving.  I got angry that she wouldn’t meet me in the middle.  And then, as she was putting her last remaining items in her car, I’d surrender and take the “high road” and ask her to please take a moment to sit down with me before throwing everything away.  And then we’d slowly cycle back to good again.

I’m still pulling the pieces together and trying to figure out what I need to change in myself to be able to follow through on actually, permanently, breaking up with someone I’m emotionally attached to.  Or, better yet, how to avoid getting involved with these types of people from the start.  Obviously the way I feel *before* the relationship starts is irrelevant. 

[Trog]

It's better not to get into these relationships than learn how to handle them, they are absolutely not worth handling, not for the grey hairs, worry and years off your life (not kidding).

I did the same, they weren't red flags they were toreador sized red rags, she was off the hook crazy and I absolutely knew this was not going to work but boundaries became weaker and weaker as she flattered, love bombed and have me sex on a plate. That all went bad pretty quickly and then the guilt kept me there. I think we are attracted to these high maintenance ego massagers they give us intense highs, but the lows are just ridiculous and mich longer lasting. Give me the steady life any day. I'll take a girl who cares for me is kind and thoughtful over a sex siren any day of the week.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey InaTL, we've all done it so you have plenty of company!  Virtually everyone who gets into a BPD r/s has to ask that question of themselves after the b/u.  For some of us (read: me), we stayed in a long-term marriage to a pwBPD (16 years in my case), so be grateful that you got out at an earlier stage.  And next time, listen to your gut feelings; I didn't and it got me into a lot of trouble.  LuckyJim 

[reig]

Maybe I am not doing as badly as I thought. It's only been 3 years and it may be over. I can't imagine marrying or doing anything serious or requiring responsibility with these girls.

I also fell into this trap; I kept/keep trying to figure out how to handle it.

Maybe now with some experience if it happens to us again we could recognize it and exit right after idealization ends. Some kind of band-aid solution... .not too healthy either.

I think idealization is so fun that it's impossible for most people to resist. esp in younger hot girl/middle aged vulnerable guy e.g. after a divorce. There is no way this can be resisted no matter how dangerous it seems to the rational mind. Dopamine overload from sex... .forget it. Very powerful addictive drug

[borderdude]

What about... .i thought my love, and her love for me, and my knowledge would make her think twice a0... .

[BorisAcusio]

There is no way this can be resisted no matter how dangerous it seems to the rational mind. Dopamine overload from sex... .forget it. Very powerful addictive drug

You may be surprised at how often you give yourself self-destructive messages subconsiously. Remember, these "interactions" usually take away years of your productive life, as time goes on, we can't afford to lose any more.

[toomanyeggshells]

I can certainly understand this.  I've left overnight a number of times and last month I left for 5 nights.  And then I went back.  Partly because I felt bad for uBPDbf,  partly because we own a house and it requires my contribution to stay afloat.  Lots of people are disappointed in me and I'm disappointed in myself for worrying more about his feelings than mine.  At this point, I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop again. 

[Tim300]

“Something’s really off here!”

. . .

I’m still pulling the pieces together and trying to figure out what I need to change in myself to be able to follow through on actually, permanently, breaking up with someone I’m emotionally attached to.  Or, better yet, how to avoid getting involved with these types of people from the start.  Obviously the way I feel *before* the relationship starts is irrelevant. 

I feel like if you didn't know about the concept of BPD, you are being a bit to hard on yourself.  Sure, you could see that something seemed off, but how would you have known "BPD" and that the other person would ultimately act in such self destructive ways.

I got similarly blindsided by a pwBPD, but I am not worried about my ability to exit one of these relationships going forward.  I am sure that there will be bumps in the road in my future relationships, and I plan to work through them; however, if I suspect BPD, knowing what I know now, I am immediately out -- no problem.

[waverider]

We are blinded by individual dramas. This is because they think short term so they blame all their problems on the immediate issues. Immediate issues appear surmountable to get back to calm water on the other side.

The immediate issue is not the issue. It is the repetitive behavior that is the real issue and we dont realize this until we are out of sight of saneland.

Even when you know the real BPD story, real improvement takes years not a couple of reasuring words and it will all be fine in the morning.

Another reason we override or better judgement is that we believe in mantras and grand statements. "I will not do this", "I wont stand for that'. These are often superficial wants, they are not ingrained.

In order to be properly protected against dysfunctionality we need our Wants, Needs and Values firmly entrenched at our core to a point that it is subconscious and we have difficulty overriding them.

If these statements are simply a backlash from a previous RS, they may not be ingrained yet. For some people it is natural, for others it is not and we keep messing up.

[Lucky Jim]

they think short term so they blame all their problems on the immediate issues. Immediate issues appear surmountable to get back to calm water on the other side.

The immediate issue is not the issue. It is the repetitive behavior that is the real issue and we dont realize this until we are out of sight of saneland.

Like how you put that, waverider.  Agree, the calm water appears attainable in a r/s with a pwBPD, yet it turns out that the calm water is just a mirage because you never get there.  And you are out of sight of "saneland."  LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

But instead of following my rational mind I started down the road of these delusional thoughts:

... .

I’m still pulling the pieces together and trying to figure out what I need to change in myself to be able to follow through on actually, permanently, breaking up with someone I’m emotionally attached to.  Or, better yet, how to avoid getting involved with these types of people from the start.

Asking these questions is huge.

It comes down to the tough work of really getting to know yourself.

One really good question is: "How is this serving me?"

Getting into a r/s like this and staying through a lot of drama clearly does SOMETHING for you, or you wouldn't be overruling your 'better judgement' to stay in it.

If you don't understand what you are getting out of it when you do it... .your chances of stopping aren't good.